Strange comment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're all acting like she gave him 100 bucks and it's no big deal. This is clearly a big deal to them.
What if she gave the birthday boy a check for $10000? Should the wife still smile and say "Have fun spending it honey."

She isn't required to say anything when he gets it. She doesn't need to say "have fun spending it" any more than she needs to earmark it for something else out loud as soon as she sees it. All of that is for after MIL leaves. Some of you really struggle in social situations don't you? Never seem to know what to say or how to behave.

then the MIL struggles equally because Ms Manners would have told her to hold her tongue!

But the point is if Ms
But then OP doubled down and gave the MIL a condescending speech. So she really went for it then. No impulse control whatsoever.[/

But if MIL kept her mouth shut which has already been stated up thread nothing would have gotten escalated.

All she had to do was bite her tongue in the first place and vent to her partner when she gets home or her sibling or another friend like most normal people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had (keyword, HAD) a SIL who was all about "all money gifts are MUTUAL money", same went for gift cards. She would determine how money would be spent and it drove my brother bonkers. No fun whatsoever. Thank God they had no kids; he divorced her after 5 years.

I have a strong suspicion that if your SIL at the time received a gift money wise you wouldn't have the same response if she say spent it on a girl's weekend get away or a spa day for herself. You would be on DCUM complaining thsr your poor poor brother is working so hard for his family and how his wife/ your SIL at the time doesn't have the decency to share any of the money she received with him and how she isn't being a true partner in the marriage by not sharing.

Also why was your brother running and tattling on his wife at the time to his sister? Maybe involving his family in his marital issues contributed to his divorce? I dunno just a thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're all acting like she gave him 100 bucks and it's no big deal. This is clearly a big deal to them.
What if she gave the birthday boy a check for $10000? Should the wife still smile and say "Have fun spending it honey."

She isn't required to say anything when he gets it. She doesn't need to say "have fun spending it" any more than she needs to earmark it for something else out loud as soon as she sees it. All of that is for after MIL leaves. Some of you really struggle in social situations don't you? Never seem to know what to say or how to behave.

then the MIL struggles equally because Ms Manners would have told her to hold her tongue!

But the point is if Ms
But then OP doubled down and gave the MIL a condescending speech. So she really went for it then. No impulse control whatsoever.[/

But if MIL kept her mouth shut which has already been stated up thread nothing would have gotten escalated.

All she had to do was bite her tongue in the first place and vent to her partner when she gets home or her sibling or another friend like most normal people.

All OP had to do was save the conversation for later. She didn't have to respond, did she? It works both ways. MIL did something nice, and then had a questionable comment. OP made a questionable comment then went raging a-hole with her stupid speech. Sorry, OP behaved worse. At least MIL did something nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're all acting like she gave him 100 bucks and it's no big deal. This is clearly a big deal to them.
What if she gave the birthday boy a check for $10000? Should the wife still smile and say "Have fun spending it honey."

Yes. Absolutely.

So you think it's acceptable for one spouse to be given $10,000 which is a lot of money and to say blow it all on something just for them and not think of their spouse at all. I mean yes technically it is "their" birthday money but c'mon your spouse is supposed to be your life partner why wouldn't you want to share with the person you made vows to? I just think it's shitty to be like, "oh well you're my husband/wife but too bad you aren't seeing a dime of this money."

Even if you know your spouse is possibly suffering financially you would really let them go without? It's kind of like an unspoken rule that large sums of money while it's technically "yours" you should still consider your spouse because they are they other member of your team.

I think it's super weird to still have a "mine" vs "yours" in a marriage with large sums of money. It all comes out in the ash anyways..

If it's unspoken, why did OP need to say it out loud? Sounds like she doesn't trust her spouse and is insecure in her marriage and that's where all the angst is coming from. She has trust issues and should probably work on that rather stress over how $1000 will be spent. There are bigger fish to fry than trying to coerce MIL in to giving her an unnecessary apology for a stink OP made.

[Anonymous]

Several pages ago, in one of her follow up posts, OP herself admitted that it is up to the recipient to decide how to spend gift money.

Look, it is clear that OP knows what the rules are about gifts. She also knows the rules of courtesy since she is so butt hurt about the MIL comment to OP.

What is key to recognize is that OP sincerely believes that all those rules apply to other people, but not to her.

There is no confusion no misunderstanding.

OP wants to know why the rules for everyone else should apply to her.

Doesn't everyone get it?

OP is a very special person. She can claim another person's gift money, but she does not owe him the respect of asking him first before she claims it. She is special. She can behave like a jackass in front of MIL, but a special snowflake jackass that feels shame when called out for being what she is, a jackass.

MIL simply held a mirror up to OPs face and OP was ashamed of what she saw reflected.

[Anonymous]

Self hater are the worst at lashing out at other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're all acting like she gave him 100 bucks and it's no big deal. This is clearly a big deal to them.
What if she gave the birthday boy a check for $10000? Should the wife still smile and say "Have fun spending it honey."

Yes. Absolutely.

So you think it's acceptable for one spouse to be given $10,000 which is a lot of money and to say blow it all on something just for them and not think of their spouse at all. I mean yes technically it is "their" birthday money but c'mon your spouse is supposed to be your life partner why wouldn't you want to share with the person you made vows to? I just think it's shitty to be like, "oh well you're my husband/wife but too bad you aren't seeing a dime of this money."

Even if you know your spouse is possibly suffering financially you would really let them go without? It's kind of like an unspoken rule that large sums of money while it's technically "yours" you should still consider your spouse because they are they other member of your team.

I think it's super weird to still have a "mine" vs "yours" in a marriage with large sums of money. It all comes out in the ash anyways..

That's not what people are saying at all. A lot of people have norms within a marriage. I wouldn't blow $10,000 on something random, whether a gift or a bonus or just my income in my bank acct. But the point is that you don't announce what the other person's gift will be spent on at the time it is being received, and in front of the giver. You can discuss with your spouse afterward. It is a celebratory moment and just a time to say Thank You.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're all acting like she gave him 100 bucks and it's no big deal. This is clearly a big deal to them.
What if she gave the birthday boy a check for $10000? Should the wife still smile and say "Have fun spending it honey."

No of course not. When someone is that generous to you or your spouse, especially a close relative whose feelings you supposedly care about (even if only for your husband's sake), you act with class. And dignity.

You say: "Oh you are so generous, MIL!! What a great mom you are! Thank you so much!" Then you shut your big fat mouth and hope that when your own birthday rolls around, MIL chooses to be equally generous with you. Yes, it does happen.

But not for OP. This stuff can be a self fulfilling prophecy. OP is actually deliberately destroying what she claims had been a pretty good relationship with MIL up until this incident. Only she knows why, but her life is probably littered with a trail of difficult relationships.

You know what class is, don't you, PP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're all acting like she gave him 100 bucks and it's no big deal. This is clearly a big deal to them.
What if she gave the birthday boy a check for $10000? Should the wife still smile and say "Have fun spending it honey."

Yes. Absolutely.

So you think it's acceptable for one spouse to be given $10,000 which is a lot of money and to say blow it all on something just for them and not think of their spouse at all. I mean yes technically it is "their" birthday money but c'mon your spouse is supposed to be your life partner why wouldn't you want to share with the person you made vows to? I just think it's shitty to be like, "oh well you're my husband/wife but too bad you aren't seeing a dime of this money."

Even if you know your spouse is possibly suffering financially you would really let them go without? It's kind of like an unspoken rule that large sums of money while it's technically "yours" you should still consider your spouse because they are they other member of your team.

I think it's super weird to still have a "mine" vs "yours" in a marriage with large sums of money. It all comes out in the ash anyways..

That's not what people are saying at all. A lot of people have norms within a marriage. I wouldn't blow $10,000 on something random, whether a gift or a bonus or just my income in my bank acct. But the point is that you don't announce what the other person's gift will be spent on at the time it is being received, and in front of the giver. You can discuss with your spouse afterward. It is a celebratory moment and just a time to say Thank You.

No, it is really simply that OP's initial reaction is understandable.

It is really her subsequent reaction when MIL reminded her that it was not OP's place to unilaterally and preemptively decide how to spend her husband's gift, without first making even a pretense of consideration for her husband's wishes.

That shows immense disrespect and lack of consideration for her husband. Which is obviously whst MIL took issue with.

OF COURSE MIL knows they will probably discuss how to spend the windfall outside of her presence. That is not really the point of this whole thing at all.

It is that MIL sees OP as a person so lacking in respect for her spiuse, that she would steamroll his rights in front of his own mother who just gave the gift. Anyone as obtuse as the OP is probably showing lack of consideration for her spouse in many other ways too. The MIL was letting her know that not everyone is as passive and compliant as her son, and that OP is wrong to assume it us her place to take advantage of that.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I did some self reflection over the last couple of days and I came up with why I reacted incredibly childish and immaturely when my husband got a $1,000 birthday gift from his mother.

It seems from the fact she never acknowledges my birthday despite the fact we have been married many years and my MIL and I are close. I would feel differently if MIL and I barely saw each other or didn't get along but I will admit on here that it does hurt my feelings that every year my husband gets a card with cash and I don't get anything. Usually my husband gets around $100 and this year he got a $1000 and I'm like wbh the sudden jump in cash?

Let me preface that it's not about the cash it's about that I wasn't even thought of it's the principle for me it's not about being entitled to money. I just find it hard to believe that you couldn't spare $50 for your DILs birthday or a small gift card for somewhere when you clearly can afford extravagant birthday gifts for others.

I always get her a nice gift on her birthday, mother's day, Christmas. When we go out for dinner treat her occasionally. It's not about tit for tat but as human beings it is nice once in a while to have your kindness reciprocated. To have people think you know what she always acknowledges me on everything important holiday and she treats me here and there let me acknowledge her in a small way when her important day comes around.

I do acknowledge this is more of a DH problem than a MIL problem as he should have brought up to his mother years ago why she continuously ignores my birthday when he gets this huge acknowledgement so I will talk to him about that.

All this to say I realize I shouldn't have "staked claim" to my husband's birthday gift especially not in from of my MIL and I did apologize to my husband and told him of course the $1000 is for him and him alone to decide what to do with.

I also plan on calling MIL up today and apologizing for taking her fun and special moment away from her by jumping in to spend it so quickly. I will explain that in no way does this justify what I did at all but that we have been getting so many renovations done to the house that I just got so excited but that of course I understand that it's my husband's money to do with as he pleases and I won't stand in the way of that.

[Anonymous]

Holy crap OP what happened??? Your entire attitude did a 180. Well it takes a lot of maturity to be able to do that.

Look, you might serve yourself better if you tried not to look at this stuff as a battle for dominance vs. submission.

In other words, try to be practical, not emotional, when addressing financial issues with family members including your MIL, even if MIL might be using her gifting in a manipulative way.

You are not going to improve your marriage or your family finances by engaging in any unnecessary drama with MIL, even if she is the one who tries to start it.

As far as MIL never buying you a birthday gift,that is beyond strange.

I would be hurt too. But then I would decide that she is probably just treating you the way her MIL treated her. Or something else having nothing at all to do with your worth as a person. It is really her issue. It always is when someone behaves in an inexplicable way.


But, remembering Rule #1 about gifts, they are never obligatory and should never be expected. Including birthday cakes and Valentines presents.

The best gift you can give to yourself is to not give her gift giving or failure to give you gifts any power over you.

The fact that you remember her birhday and she does not treat you the same suggests you would be within your rights to stop giving her birthday gifts.

However, looking at the big picture, you are doing it for your husband's sake, and also sets an example for her. Perhaps some day she will change. This is what Scrooge is about. At the tail end of his life, he finally understands what gift giving is really all about: It is a way for the GIVER to express positive feelings. Scrooge being a miser most of his life was not about the people he did not give gifts to.

It was about his own constricted emotional landscape, his inability to express love to others based on romantic disappointments when he was younger.

Only when he had an emotional breakthhrough was he able to express generosity and he finally realized that he was lovable and could love others.

Your MIL could have had emotionally traumatic things in her past that even your husband does not know about which comes out as jealousy of your claim on her son's affection. You do not have to like it, but you should try to understand it so as not to fall into the same trap she did.
Yes, I am saying when it comes to things like birthday and holiday gifting, decide to be the bigger person. You don't have to fit intonthe box your MIL may be trying to squeeze you into.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I suggest you take a step back and really try to understand the need for boundaries.

[Anonymous]

I don't find it strange that MIL doesn't give her a birthday gift? It's her son so of course he is going to get a gift. Why do people expect an in law to be treated equal to their actual child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes OP. Agree with everyone that in a nice moment between mother and son, you jumped in with a greedy comment having already decided what to do with your husbands gift before he had the chance. Then doubled down!

What would your mil even apologize for?her comment was just factual. Not nasty. You should apologize or at very least tell your husband not to raise it with his mom.

Even when spouses share things, come on - if your mil had given him a slice of cake would you have jumped forward and bitten it immediately before he had a chance?

Because it was a comment I made to my husband and not her therefore she doesn't get an opinion on it or commentary. She doesn't know what my husband and I have discussed extra money being used towards or what our financial agreement is. A lot of married couples do share finances. We have a what's yours is mine attitude. I don't think our finances and the comments I make to my husband are for MIL to comment on.

And yes if I got $1000 for my birthday from my mother I would expect that I would share it with my husband.

I am aware that a lot of women expect their husbands to share their money while they themselves don't do share but I do share in our marriage.

I get where you're coming from and it sounds like 99% your husband would have wanted to spend the money on your house but, you absolutely shouldn't have made that comment earmarking the money in front of your MIL. You stole her joy in gift giving. It was presumptuous and of course, annoyed her. The fact that your husband is siding with you is a positive overall but do not make him
apologize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're all acting like she gave him 100 bucks and it's no big deal. This is clearly a big deal to them.
What if she gave the birthday boy a check for $10000? Should the wife still smile and say "Have fun spending it honey."

No of course not. When someone is that generous to you or your spouse, especially a close relative whose feelings you supposedly care about (even if only for your husband's sake), you act with class. And dignity.

You say: "Oh you are so generous, MIL!! What a great mom you are! Thank you so much!" Then you shut your big fat mouth and hope that when your own birthday rolls around, MIL chooses to be equally generous with you. Yes, it does happen.

But not for OP. This stuff can be a self fulfilling prophecy. OP is actually deliberately destroying what she claims had been a pretty good relationship with MIL up until this incident. Only she knows why, but her life is probably littered with a trail of difficult relationships.

You know what class is, don't you, PP?

+1