Strange comment

Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Agree that you were rude and MIL does not owe you an apology. I can understand what you blurted out when DH opened the envelope because it was impulsive- even though it was wrong. Your MIL correctly responded, and your response to her was flat-out rude, even if true. And I say all this as someone who agrees generally that marital funds are shared, but thinks a birthday gift is just that - a gift to the recipient and not the couple. Just because it’s cash doesn’t change that.

Now the real question - posters almost unanimously are telling you that you were wrong. Will you own it and apologize to your MIL, since you clearly believe someone in this scenario deserves an apology?


I don't understand why I have to apologize to MIL for a comment I made to my HUSBAND. Even if I was wrong MIL has no business getting involved in a comment I made to my husband. It's not her job to correct me.

And yes of course a gift is up to the receiver is for the receiver. But for our marriage our money is always shared whether it's given to me or to him. But MIL doesn't know that so therefore shouldn't comment on it.

Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:YATA. Your comment was rude. You don’t lay claim to someone’s birthday money even your spouses. Then you browbeat your dh into getting his mom to apologize to you. You sound like an abusive controlling spouse. Go Get some therapy,


I'm browbeating my husband for asking him to talk to his mom?? Wow extreme much??
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I understand why you are annoyed and I understand why MIL responded the way she did. Your comment was unnecessary and awkward in the moment. That could have been a private suggestion to your husband later on.

(And it should be left to him to decide how he wanted to use the money. If my parents give me money for my birthday, they would expect me to use it to treat myself to something nice/fun, not for household expenses. I could see them being upset if my husband made a comment like you did in front of them.)


If I'm going to make the comment to my husband what difference does it make if I wait 5 seconds or 5 hours later?
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I understand why you are annoyed and I understand why MIL responded the way she did. Your comment was unnecessary and awkward in the moment. That could have been a private suggestion to your husband later on.

(And it should be left to him to decide how he wanted to use the money. If my parents give me money for my birthday, they would expect me to use it to treat myself to something nice/fun, not for household expenses. I could see them being upset if my husband made a comment like you did in front of them.)


If I'm going to make the comment to my husband what difference does it make if I wait 5 seconds or 5 hours later?


The difference is avoiding scenarios like this one.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I understand why you are annoyed and I understand why MIL responded the way she did. Your comment was unnecessary and awkward in the moment. That could have been a private suggestion to your husband later on.

(And it should be left to him to decide how he wanted to use the money. If my parents give me money for my birthday, they would expect me to use it to treat myself to something nice/fun, not for household expenses. I could see them being upset if my husband made a comment like you did in front of them.)


If I'm going to make the comment to my husband what difference does it make if I wait 5 seconds or 5 hours later?


Because it is very rude to direct how the funds will be spent when it isn’t your money and the gift giver is sitting there. So rude.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Yikes OP. Agree with everyone that in a nice moment between mother and son, you jumped in with a greedy comment having already decided what to do with your husbands gift before he had the chance. Then doubled down!

What would your mil even apologize for?her comment was just factual. Not nasty. You should apologize or at very least tell your husband not to raise it with his mom.

Even when spouses share things, come on - if your mil had given him a slice of cake would you have jumped forward and bitten it immediately before he had a chance?


Because it was a comment I made to my husband and not her therefore she doesn't get an opinion on it or commentary. She doesn't know what my husband and I have discussed extra money being used towards or what our financial agreement is. A lot of married couples do share finances. We have a what's yours is mine attitude. I don't think our finances and the comments I make to my husband are for MIL to comment on.

And yes if I got $1000 for my birthday from my mother I would expect that I would share it with my husband.

I am aware that a lot of women expect their husbands to share their money while they themselves don't do share but I do share in our marriage.


Ok - you’re definitely the problem
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:She wanted to treat just him to something special. Has he seemed stressed lately?


Just him? Why would she want to leave his wife out? Her DIL?
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:He is not likely to get any other nice gifts if he asks her to apologize


Why would you say that
Anonymous
I really think your comment was rude and greedy sounding. You don't watch someone else open a birthday gift and declare how you are going to use it.

A family member of mine does this all the time around her inlaws. She just can't stop talking and it makes her seem like a boor when she really isn't.

Just because you're married doesn't mean you need to speak up about how money is shared. My inlaws like to talk about their inheritance and how it's going to be split, their will. I know to just keep my mouth shut. That's between DH and his sibling. Any opinions I have on their inheritance plan (or retirement plans!) are for me to state to my husband when we're alone. Even if they ask for my opinion, they aren't really.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She wanted to treat just him to something special. Has he seemed stressed lately?


Just him? Why would she want to leave his wife out? Her DIL?


Because it is his birthday.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I also think your comment was rude. When my mom gives me money she always makes a big deal about me spending on myself. Now, I may use it for bills or household stuff, but I wouldn't say that to her face. I think you comment was rude in two ways: you announced what someone else would be doing with their birthday present and you dampened the joy of the gift giver who should be able to maintain the illusion that the recipient is spending the funds on something fun.


But isn't it not up to the giver what and who the receiver spends their money on?
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I understand why you are annoyed and I understand why MIL responded the way she did. Your comment was unnecessary and awkward in the moment. That could have been a private suggestion to your husband later on.

(And it should be left to him to decide how he wanted to use the money. If my parents give me money for my birthday, they would expect me to use it to treat myself to something nice/fun, not for household expenses. I could see them being upset if my husband made a comment like you did in front of them.)


What's wrong though if you wanted to spend it on your husband? That's your daughter's spouse not just a friend
Anonymous
The good news is MIl has now learned her lesson and will almost certainly give her son physical gifts that her DIL can’t co-opt rather than cash for future occasions.
Anonymous
Do you often feel like people look down on your behaviors? I'm assuming so, from your defensiveness and sticking to the tiny point that she commented on your side conversation as the most offensive thing here. You just have bad manners.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:YATA. Your comment was rude. You don’t lay claim to someone’s birthday money even your spouses. Then you browbeat your dh into getting his mom to apologize to you. You sound like an abusive controlling spouse. Go Get some therapy,


I'm browbeating my husband for asking him to talk to his mom?? Wow extreme much??


NP- YES! Your spouse doesn't need to talk to his mom about this. You were rude. You should apologize to him for making his freaking birthday tense. It's not all about you. You sounded crass when you said it and now you're digging your heels in and not listening. You really are ill mannered.
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