Strange comment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did some self reflection over the last couple of days and I came up with why I reacted incredibly childish and immaturely when my husband got a $1,000 birthday gift from his mother.

It seems from the fact she never acknowledges my birthday despite the fact we have been married many years and my MIL and I are close. I would feel differently if MIL and I barely saw each other or didn't get along but I will admit on here that it does hurt my feelings that every year my husband gets a card with cash and I don't get anything. Usually my husband gets around $100 and this year he got a $1000 and I'm like wbh the sudden jump in cash?

Let me preface that it's not about the cash it's about that I wasn't even thought of it's the principle for me it's not about being entitled to money. I just find it hard to believe that you couldn't spare $50 for your DILs birthday or a small gift card for somewhere when you clearly can afford extravagant birthday gifts for others.

I always get her a nice gift on her birthday, mother's day, Christmas. When we go out for dinner treat her occasionally. It's not about tit for tat but as human beings it is nice once in a while to have your kindness reciprocated. To have people think you know what she always acknowledges me on everything important holiday and she treats me here and there let me acknowledge her in a small way when her important day comes around.

I do acknowledge this is more of a DH problem than a MIL problem as he should have brought up to his mother years ago why she continuously ignores my birthday when he gets this huge acknowledgement so I will talk to him about that.

All this to say I realize I shouldn't have "staked claim" to my husband's birthday gift especially not in from of my MIL and I did apologize to my husband and told him of course the $1000 is for him and him alone to decide what to do with.

I also plan on calling MIL up today and apologizing for taking her fun and special moment away from her by jumping in to spend it so quickly. I will explain that in no way does this justify what I did at all but that we have been getting so many renovations done to the house that I just got so excited but that of course I understand that it's my husband's money to do with as he pleases and I won't stand in the way of that.

Op, you were not in the wrong for wanting to spend the money, but for stating it in front of her. And then the hurt attitude afterwards. You don’t need to explain to mil that you are dong renovations, she knows that.

Also, I’d personally not worry about her not giving you anything for your birthday as long as she’s generally treating you the same as her other dils or sils. Parents give gift money as part of estate planning. It would be nice to get something small, but I’m sure a $25 gg or gift would equally annoy you.

[Anonymous]

Why are people suddenly "but we're family" when it comes time for the gifts? I doubt they feel that way in 99% of the other interactions with their in-laws. Where is your mom in this OP? What does she give you and your husband for birthdays? My MIL is not and will never be my mother and I don't expect her to treat me the same as her son. We're not the same, and I don't even really pay attention to the size of the birthday check she gives me vs him. Go buy yourself something nice and call it a day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did some self reflection over the last couple of days and I came up with why I reacted incredibly childish and immaturely when my husband got a $1,000 birthday gift from his mother.

It seems from the fact she never acknowledges my birthday despite the fact we have been married many years and my MIL and I are close. I would feel differently if MIL and I barely saw each other or didn't get along but I will admit on here that it does hurt my feelings that every year my husband gets a card with cash and I don't get anything. Usually my husband gets around $100 and this year he got a $1000 and I'm like wbh the sudden jump in cash?

Let me preface that it's not about the cash it's about that I wasn't even thought of it's the principle for me it's not about being entitled to money. I just find it hard to believe that you couldn't spare $50 for your DILs birthday or a small gift card for somewhere when you clearly can afford extravagant birthday gifts for others.

I always get her a nice gift on her birthday, mother's day, Christmas. When we go out for dinner treat her occasionally. It's not about tit for tat but as human beings it is nice once in a while to have your kindness reciprocated. To have people think you know what she always acknowledges me on everything important holiday and she treats me here and there let me acknowledge her in a small way when her important day comes around.

I do acknowledge this is more of a DH problem than a MIL problem as he should have brought up to his mother years ago why she continuously ignores my birthday when he gets this huge acknowledgement so I will talk to him about that.

All this to say I realize I shouldn't have "staked claim" to my husband's birthday gift especially not in from of my MIL and I did apologize to my husband and told him of course the $1000 is for him and him alone to decide what to do with.

I also plan on calling MIL up today and apologizing for taking her fun and special moment away from her by jumping in to spend it so quickly. I will explain that in no way does this justify what I did at all but that we have been getting so many renovations done to the house that I just got so excited but that of course I understand that it's my husband's money to do with as he pleases and I won't stand in the way of that.

Op, you were not in the wrong for wanting to spend the money, but for stating it in front of her. And then the hurt attitude afterwards. You don’t need to explain to mil that you are dong renovations, she knows that.

Also, I’d personally not worry about her not giving you anything for your birthday as long as she’s generally treating you the same as her other dils or sils. Parents give gift money as part of estate planning. It would be nice to get something small, but I’m sure a $25 gg or gift would equally annoy you.

Oh I totally get that my MIL knows I'm doing renovations. I just meant in terms of my apology to her explaining where my mindset was even though it was a completely wrong mindset.

No a $25 gift card would certainly be better than no acknowledgement. My point in giving $25 as an example is to say I just want at least some acknowledgement. I certainly don't expect a $1,000 but just a hey your my DIL close family and I know your birthday is important to you and you always make an effort to give for all of my important events and holidays let me just give a small token of acknowledgement or appreciation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are people suddenly "but we're family" when it comes time for the gifts? I doubt they feel that way in 99% of the other interactions with their in-laws. Where is your mom in this OP? What does she give you and your husband for birthdays? My MIL is not and will never be my mother and I don't expect her to treat me the same as her son. We're not the same, and I don't even really pay attention to the size of the birthday check she gives me vs him. Go buy yourself something nice and call it a day.

I know I'm not the same to her as her son of course. But you still get something on your birthday from your MIL. I get nothing. It's about the thought. I mean I have had BOSSES and CO WORKERS give me a birthday gift. On the list of important people in your life they certainly aren't high up people and if they even send me a card then close family should definitely do something.

My mom acknowledges both my husband and I on our birthdays by calling us and getting us a nice gift when our birthdays roll around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are people suddenly "but we're family" when it comes time for the gifts? I doubt they feel that way in 99% of the other interactions with their in-laws. Where is your mom in this OP? What does she give you and your husband for birthdays? My MIL is not and will never be my mother and I don't expect her to treat me the same as her son. We're not the same, and I don't even really pay attention to the size of the birthday check she gives me vs him. Go buy yourself something nice and call it a day.

I know I'm not the same to her as her son of course. But you still get something on your birthday from your MIL. I get nothing. It's about the thought. I mean I have had BOSSES and CO WORKERS give me a birthday gift. On the list of important people in your life they certainly aren't high up people and if they even send me a card then close family should definitely do something.

My mom acknowledges both my husband and I on our birthdays by calling us and getting us a nice gift when our birthdays roll around.

I really don't care if my MIL acknowledges my birthday. I actually don't acknowledge hers, I expect my husband to take care of that. And I don't get a gift for Christmas, she sends us a joint check. I guess you can have your husband guilt trip your mom into giving you something for your birthday if a $50 gift card means that much. She can check that box then. Why do you need your birthday acknowledged are you the type who makes a really big deal out if it every year so that it's noticeable that your MIL ignores it? Most people don't even know when my bday is because I never mention it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did some self reflection over the last couple of days and I came up with why I reacted incredibly childish and immaturely when my husband got a $1,000 birthday gift from his mother.

It seems from the fact she never acknowledges my birthday despite the fact we have been married many years and my MIL and I are close. I would feel differently if MIL and I barely saw each other or didn't get along but I will admit on here that it does hurt my feelings that every year my husband gets a card with cash and I don't get anything. Usually my husband gets around $100 and this year he got a $1000 and I'm like wbh the sudden jump in cash?

Let me preface that it's not about the cash it's about that I wasn't even thought of it's the principle for me it's not about being entitled to money. I just find it hard to believe that you couldn't spare $50 for your DILs birthday or a small gift card for somewhere when you clearly can afford extravagant birthday gifts for others.

I always get her a nice gift on her birthday, mother's day, Christmas. When we go out for dinner treat her occasionally. It's not about tit for tat but as human beings it is nice once in a while to have your kindness reciprocated. To have people think you know what she always acknowledges me on everything important holiday and she treats me here and there let me acknowledge her in a small way when her important day comes around.

I do acknowledge this is more of a DH problem than a MIL problem as he should have brought up to his mother years ago why she continuously ignores my birthday when he gets this huge acknowledgement so I will talk to him about that.

All this to say I realize I shouldn't have "staked claim" to my husband's birthday gift especially not in from of my MIL and I did apologize to my husband and told him of course the $1000 is for him and him alone to decide what to do with.

I also plan on calling MIL up today and apologizing for taking her fun and special moment away from her by jumping in to spend it so quickly. I will explain that in no way does this justify what I did at all but that we have been getting so many renovations done to the house that I just got so excited but that of course I understand that it's my husband's money to do with as he pleases and I won't stand in the way of that.

Op, you were not in the wrong for wanting to spend the money, but for stating it in front of her. And then the hurt attitude afterwards. You don’t need to explain to mil that you are dong renovations, she knows that.

Also, I’d personally not worry about her not giving you anything for your birthday as long as she’s generally treating you the same as her other dils or sils. Parents give gift money as part of estate planning. It would be nice to get something small, but I’m sure a $25 gg or gift would equally annoy you.

Oh I totally get that my MIL knows I'm doing renovations. I just meant in terms of my apology to her explaining where my mindset was even though it was a completely wrong mindset.

No a $25 gift card would certainly be better than no acknowledgement. My point in giving $25 as an example is to say I just want at least some acknowledgement. I certainly don't expect a $1,000 but just a hey your my DIL close family and I know your birthday is important to you and you always make an effort to give for all of my important events and holidays let me just give a small token of acknowledgement or appreciation.

NP. Op, it seems like you have this habit of expecting others to think like you do. Just because gifts are your love language doesn’t mean that it’s your MIL. Also, keep in your mind your MIL probably has no idea how much importance you tack onto birthday acknowledgements and gifts. She’s not a mind reader. Perhaps you should discuss with her instead of involving your husband.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m super impressed that you were able to do a 180 and see how your comment contributed to the situation. Well done!

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m really glad you updated and that you were able to gain this extra insight into yourself. That is great. I find that when something really bugs me it is usually because there is something deeper.

I also think your explanation makes a lot of sense about the deeper trigger being the total lack of acknowledgement when it is your birthday. I agree with the other poster who said this is a her problem and reflective of some experience she had that has nothing to do with you. I don’t hear you saying at all that you are looking to be treated as an equal. You are looking to be acknowledged verbally or with a small token on special occasions when you are acknowledging her. It is what it is though and I definitely agree it’s not personal. This is an occasion where I think accepting the person as they are and letting go of expectations and/or judgment is really helpful.