Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Idk what's happening to me. I'm basically in a catatonic state. I can't even think how to pack our bags and get us home.

OP your husband needs to take the lead on packing the bags and handling travel logistics. You're having a normal reaction to intense trauma. Tell him he has to do this as you are simply unable to handle it right now.

Just get home, OP. That's all you need to do right now.

Intense trauma is from surviving a natural disaster, fighting in a war, medical problem etc. NOT your husband texting someone else.

This is completely wrong from a medical and psychological perspective. Yes, those events are traumatic and survivors often have a trauma response, but trauma is about the lasting impact that an experience has on you. With complex trauma it can even be an ongoing experience or lack of a type of an experience (think emotional or physical neglect of a child for years etc).

Sorry, but you'll never get me to feel as much compassion for a well-off woman traveling overseas on holiday with her family who finds out, to her great surprise, that her husband, who has apparently been very loving and treated her well, has been briefly unfaithful to her, as for a war refugee. Those are different levels of "trauma," an overused word. Next we will be hearing that OP has been "gaslit."

PP here. Wow, first of all, you are right in the sense that these are different levels or types of trauma. Categorically, not all illness, diagnosis, experiences are the same, and some are more severe in terms of the damage or impact etc…

That being said, compassion is not a zero sum exercise. It can exist wholly and separately on its own for each life experience or individual. When I read your comment what comes up for me is that there is judgment, scarcity and a lack of compassion.

There is exactly extensive literature on trauma. Maybe mainstream wise you have found it to be “overused” as a term, but it is fascinating and trauma can be scientifically tracked in numerous places in peoples body from epigenetics in dna from children of trauma survivors (who amazingly never had the trauma themselves but their parents trauma and ensuing ptsd actually left a marker on their dna! Cite Dr. Rachel Yehuda and children of Holocaust surivivors), to amygdala over function adults who experienced neglect as children.

Anyway, your comment is ignorant and judgmental at best.

I have read a lot about this too and it totally fascinates me. It is crazy how that trauma imprints on DNA and is passed down...and I have an advanced degree in Molecular Biology and never would have thought that could happen.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP! How you doing? Been thinking of you and wishing you strength. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

OP I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I discovered my now ex-spouse’s infidelity over 2 years ago (I knew immediately I would divorce him) and it’s still staggering to read things like this.

Be careful and strategic in protecting yourself and your children. Divorce can get very ugly especially when infidelity is involved and the person’s image as a loving spouse has been blown. Don’t expect his family to side with you. It’s possible that they would but be prepared for them to turn their backs on you.

[Anonymous]

* triggering, not staggering

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, hoping being at 30,000 feet brings you some clarity. Thinking of you. You will get through this.

[Anonymous]

Op here. We have landed.

Currently in the car with my MIL and FIL who picked us up from the airport. This sucks.

[Anonymous]

Welcome back, OP. You are surviving. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have landed.

Currently in the car with my MIL and FIL who picked us up from the airport. This sucks.

Wow--lots of time with both sets of parents. Just noting it as you evaluate the marriage.

He's a bastard and I am team OP. Just sayin'--wow, vacay with one set and then come home to the other? I would die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have landed.

Currently in the car with my MIL and FIL who picked us up from the airport. This sucks.

Wow--lots of time with both sets of parents. Just noting it as you evaluate the marriage.

He's a bastard and I am team OP. Just sayin'--wow, vacay with one set and then come home to the other? I would die.

Yep. We've been together since we were 18, live 15 minutes from all of our parents. Very much enmeshed in each other's families and even out families without us- my brothers hang out with DHs brother, our moms plan joint activities and outings for our kids. Our dads fish and work on old cars together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have landed.

Currently in the car with my MIL and FIL who picked us up from the airport. This sucks.

Wow--lots of time with both sets of parents. Just noting it as you evaluate the marriage.

He's a bastard and I am team OP. Just sayin'--wow, vacay with one set and then come home to the other? I would die.

Yep. We've been together since we were 18, live 15 minutes from all of our parents. Very much enmeshed in each other's families and even out families without us- my brothers hang out with DHs brother, our moms plan joint activities and outings for our kids. Our dads fish and work on old cars together.

Makes sense he cheated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have landed.

Currently in the car with my MIL and FIL who picked us up from the airport. This sucks.

Wow--lots of time with both sets of parents. Just noting it as you evaluate the marriage.

He's a bastard and I am team OP. Just sayin'--wow, vacay with one set and then come home to the other? I would die.

Yep. We've been together since we were 18, live 15 minutes from all of our parents. Very much enmeshed in each other's families and even out families without us- my brothers hang out with DHs brother, our moms plan joint activities and outings for our kids. Our dads fish and work on old cars together.

Makes sense he cheated.

Horribly, I completely agree. He was never an adult on his own, hooking up, dating whomever, going wherever. Also, talk about a crap-ton of expectations and pressure. I feel smothered just reading the description of how enmeshed the families are.

I’m not saying you should forgive him, OP. Just that I think it’s very hard to sustain, over the long-term, relationships that began at such a young age and which have SO much extended family involvement without any breaks or issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have landed.

Currently in the car with my MIL and FIL who picked us up from the airport. This sucks.

Wow--lots of time with both sets of parents. Just noting it as you evaluate the marriage.

He's a bastard and I am team OP. Just sayin'--wow, vacay with one set and then come home to the other? I would die.

Yep. We've been together since we were 18, live 15 minutes from all of our parents. Very much enmeshed in each other's families and even out families without us- my brothers hang out with DHs brother, our moms plan joint activities and outings for our kids. Our dads fish and work on old cars together.

Makes sense he cheated.

Why?

[Anonymous]

Explains the blubbering tears from him. He knows how many will be hurt should this get out. He wants you to help protect his image here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have landed.

Currently in the car with my MIL and FIL who picked us up from the airport. This sucks.

Wow--lots of time with both sets of parents. Just noting it as you evaluate the marriage.

He's a bastard and I am team OP. Just sayin'--wow, vacay with one set and then come home to the other? I would die.

Yep. We've been together since we were 18, live 15 minutes from all of our parents. Very much enmeshed in each other's families and even out families without us- my brothers hang out with DHs brother, our moms plan joint activities and outings for our kids. Our dads fish and work on old cars together.

OP, I'm so sorry -- this is an awful, tangled sh!tshow for you, and I'm so glad you're home safe. Take your time, think things through. Drink water and walk outside when you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have landed.

Currently in the car with my MIL and FIL who picked us up from the airport. This sucks.

Wow--lots of time with both sets of parents. Just noting it as you evaluate the marriage.

He's a bastard and I am team OP. Just sayin'--wow, vacay with one set and then come home to the other? I would die.

Yep. We've been together since we were 18, live 15 minutes from all of our parents. Very much enmeshed in each other's families and even out families without us- my brothers hang out with DHs brother, our moms plan joint activities and outings for our kids. Our dads fish and work on old cars together.

Makes sense he cheated.

Stop making excuses. He’s a full grown adult in control of his pants and his phone. He could have walked away. I hate the excuse making. We can all come up with excuses. Someone else can say I was damaged because I had distant parents and I need constant attention and affirmation. At the end of the day, we are all grown ups. Keep it in your pants or pay the consequences.
Horribly, I completely agree. He was never an adult on his own, hooking up, dating whomever, going wherever. Also, talk about a crap-ton of expectations and pressure. I feel smothered just reading the description of how enmeshed the families are.

I’m not saying you should forgive him, OP. Just that I think it’s very hard to sustain, over the long-term, relationships that began at such a young age and which have SO much extended family involvement without any breaks or issues.