How to talk to teenage DD about her father chasing women in their early 20s?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean 59 chasing a 22 yo is gross, but not a predator.

And regarding the cheating, ALL my friends whose parents divorced because of cheating found out about it later. Some were furious and the fact that both parents covered up the cheating landed them in therapy. My best friend was so furious with her one parent for cheating, but equally furious with the other parent for making the cheater not responsible for breaking up her parents and household. This was while we were in college and her parents had divorced in middle school. I'm not sure what the answer is though and I also don't think you should tell her.

His comeuppance is coming.

Disagree, and this sounds made up. Kids don’t care WHY parents are divorcing, and frankly, emotionally mature parents won’t be confiding in their minor kids and talking about infidelity. It is YOUR problem not theirs. And very rare is cheating the only cause of divorce- cheating is a manifestation from a problematic marriage or problems within one person. It’s a symptom, not a cause. Marital problems shouldn’t be discussed with children. My mother used to tell me about my father’s cheating and a child. Guess who I don’t talk to anymore?

You are wrong about this. Maybe YOU put the cheating dirtbag above your mother and didn’t care, but plenty of kids see parental cheating as a betrayal of the family. It’s the cheating that breaks up the family, and kids see that and feel that.
It’s good that OPs daughter knows how disgusting her father is. I doubt she will be bringing any of her friends around him, hed probably try to proposition them 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP of the following thread in the relationship forum:
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1277224.page

The issue has become one more suitable for the Tweens and Teens forum.

My husband and I have lived separately for more than three years. He always cheated, sometimes with several women at the same time.
DD doesn't know about the cheating part, and I do not plan to every discuss it with her.

However, a recent event has rocked her childhood: her 59 y.o. dad is chasing a 22 y.o. woman whom he found on a tutoring website about four weeks ago. They have done two tutoring sessions, DD is excited. STBXH has invited the young woman to his home and made it sound safe by proposing cultural outings with DD.

I have handled things poorly with DD and I don't know how to make it better. I asked her if it would be OK for her if we choose another math tutor. She asked why, and I told her because daddy considers himself to be an appropriate romantic partner for the tutor and I don't want to put DD in the middle of that situation.

I feel like this is a turning point in DD's childhood. She has asked questions and labeled her dad a "predator." She is distancing herself from her dad. I should have
made something up or I should have asked the tutor to
announce that she quits.

I feel like I just destroyed her childhood, when my goal was to protect her. I feel terrible.

Let your daughter have the right to an opinion. She is seeing him for what he is. Please honor her choice to distance herself.

I agree with this. There are emotional consequences when fathers decide to cheat on, abandon, or divorce mothers. The child will make their own assessment of the whys.

A 15 year old girl is close enough to sexual maturity to figure out that her dad is a skirt chaser. I'm sure this girl is smart. There's no way she would miss the situation once it was onsite. In fact it would have been more dishonest and disturbing because the kid would have been part of the cover story for why the 22 y.o. was coming to town.

The father here is being emotionally disloyal to both his wife and child, and has already cheated. I think at this point none of the past problems need to be raised, but 15 is not a young and innocent age in today's America.

By the way, and not relevant to OP, because of dating consent training which happens in high school and even college orientation, many kids consider 3 year age gaps too much among teens who date. This generation has much more training on predation, grooming, etc. than prior generations.

OP, you were right to disclose and cut off the tutoring. Now you should keep your mouth shut re: passing judgment on what your DH is doing as you head for divorce. If he wants to stay married, you can come up with a mutually agreeable way to handle. Just be factual, and don't trash-talk your DH further. The rest is up to your daughter. This would have all come out at some point. Now vs. 2 years from now is no different age-wise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean 59 chasing a 22 yo is gross, but not a predator.

And regarding the cheating, ALL my friends whose parents divorced because of cheating found out about it later. Some were furious and the fact that both parents covered up the cheating landed them in therapy. My best friend was so furious with her one parent for cheating, but equally furious with the other parent for making the cheater not responsible for breaking up her parents and household. This was while we were in college and her parents had divorced in middle school. I'm not sure what the answer is though and I also don't think you should tell her.

His comeuppance is coming.

Disagree, and this sounds made up. Kids don’t care WHY parents are divorcing, and frankly, emotionally mature parents won’t be confiding in their minor kids and talking about infidelity. It is YOUR problem not theirs. And very rare is cheating the only cause of divorce- cheating is a manifestation from a problematic marriage or problems within one person. It’s a symptom, not a cause. Marital problems shouldn’t be discussed with children. My mother used to tell me about my father’s cheating and a child. Guess who I don’t talk to anymore?

I disagree. I think children want to know why. They just don't need gory details. If there's a general marital breakdown, okay, you don't need to get into sex life stuff.

I have a friend whose marriage ended because her husband got a married AP pregnant.

It's difficult to hide that situation and the fundamental immorality from the children of the original marriages.

Unnecessary detail is "when and where and why the baby was conceived".

A factual detail is: "we are getting a divorce because your dad got Mrs. X pregnant".

[Anonymous]

Is your husband a sex addict?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your husband a sex addict?

Corn addict more likely…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You already made it worse. She could’ve stayed young, innocent and gullible.

And let the innocent tutor be put in a terrible situation? All women should be looking out for each other, I'm sure op would want someone to stop her own dd from falling for an "opportunity" that ended up as a predators trap

[Anonymous]

DD is feeling super betrayed because her father put her in a tutoring relationship with the woman and DD liked her. Then it ensues father is going to arrange a "visit and activities" for the 3 of them. Under the guide of a tutor relationship.
Daddy exploited DD. She is rightfully pissed off. Let her be.
Let Daddy do his thing.
OP just support DD if she expresses betrayal.

[Anonymous]

I think you can start a future therapy fund for when your daughter figures out YOU and her dad are toxic AF and distances herself from both of you. You can make it a little better by leaving her a nice inheritance.

[Anonymous]

There was no need for you to talk to her about it at all.

You didn't say anything for her benefit.

You did it out of your own selfishness, hatred, and jealously.

Don't pretend otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you can start a future therapy fund for when your daughter figures out YOU and her dad are toxic AF and distances herself from both of you. You can make it a little better by leaving her a nice inheritance.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There was no need for you to talk to her about it at all.

You didn't say anything for her benefit.

You did it out of your own selfishness, hatred, and jealously.

Don't pretend otherwise.

I’m not OP but I can get that she might be concerned that this women wouldn’t be the best math tutor for her daughter if she is being pursued by the dad. OP knows she could have handled it better but I don’t thinks it’s totally unreasonable to tell dad something along the lines of the old “don’t sh$t where you eat” — dating your kids teacher or tutor is only appropriate where the kid is about to age out of that service or it is 100% true love like in a rom com and you have spent the appropriate amount of time trying to suppress your feelings.

Is your daughter in therapy? A therapist would be the better one to discuss this with her. But I think OP’s line for her daughter should be something like:

Everyone has their own life to lead, including your dad. He and I are divorced so who he dates doesn’t affect me and you certainly shouldn’t be upset on my behalf. Adult relationships are complicated and provided it’s all consensual, it’s okay. If you want this woman to continue tutoring you, that okay with me — it’s your decision. You’re gojng to have to figure out your own relationship with your dad — that’s part of growing up. But my hope is that you continue to have a strong relationship with him even if you don’t appreciate all the decisions in his personal life. Part of lioving someone is loving them even when they do things that wouldn’t be our first choice for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re too involved in his life. MYOFB!

They’re still married so it is her effing business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean 59 chasing a 22 yo is gross, but not a predator.

And regarding the cheating, ALL my friends whose parents divorced because of cheating found out about it later. Some were furious and the fact that both parents covered up the cheating landed them in therapy. My best friend was so furious with her one parent for cheating, but equally furious with the other parent for making the cheater not responsible for breaking up her parents and household. This was while we were in college and her parents had divorced in middle school. I'm not sure what the answer is though and I also don't think you should tell her.

His comeuppance is coming.

Disagree, and this sounds made up. Kids don’t care WHY parents are divorcing, and frankly, emotionally mature parents won’t be confiding in their minor kids and talking about infidelity. It is YOUR problem not theirs. And very rare is cheating the only cause of divorce- cheating is a manifestation from a problematic marriage or problems within one person. It’s a symptom, not a cause. Marital problems shouldn’t be discussed with children. My mother used to tell me about my father’s cheating and a child. Guess who I don’t talk to anymore?

I disagree. I think children want to know why. They just don't need gory details. If there's a general marital breakdown, okay, you don't need to get into sex life stuff.

I have a friend whose marriage ended because her husband got a married AP pregnant.

It's difficult to hide that situation and the fundamental immorality from the children of the original marriages.

Unnecessary detail is "when and where and why the baby was conceived".

A factual detail is: "we are getting a divorce because your dad got Mrs. X pregnant".

No, that isn’t factual. You get divorced because one or both parents don’t want to be married any longer. There is never one singular reason that stands for both people. And the facts are not the business of the children. It isn’t appropriate for Mom to talk about Dad cheating, just like it isn’t appropriate for Dad to talk about Mom being insufferable, belittling him, and having a personality disorder. All of these things can be true- yet none of them should be made problems for your kids to process. Kids truly don’t get care about the “why” from either parent- they just want stable and pleasant parents, whether married or divorced.

[Anonymous]

OP, you really just need to get a divorce ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP of the following thread in the relationship forum:
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1277224.page

The issue has become one more suitable for the Tweens and Teens forum.

My husband and I have lived separately for more than three years. He always cheated, sometimes with several women at the same time.
DD doesn't know about the cheating part, and I do not plan to every discuss it with her.

However, a recent event has rocked her childhood: her 59 y.o. dad is chasing a 22 y.o. woman whom he found on a tutoring website about four weeks ago. They have done two tutoring sessions, DD is excited. STBXH has invited the young woman to his home and made it sound safe by proposing cultural outings with DD.

I have handled things poorly with DD and I don't know how to make it better. I asked her if it would be OK for her if we choose another math tutor. She asked why, and I told her because daddy considers himself to be an appropriate romantic partner for the tutor and I don't want to put DD in the middle of that situation.

I feel like this is a turning point in DD's childhood. She has asked questions and labeled her dad a "predator." She is distancing herself from her dad. I should have
made something up or I should have asked the tutor to
announce that she quits.

I feel like I just destroyed her childhood, when my goal was to protect her. I feel terrible.

What does bolded part mean?