My 59 y.o. STBXH is trying to land a 22 y.o.

[Anonymous]

I'm trying to process this. The 22 y.o. is a graduate student on the other coast, in my STBX's field. That's his spiel, talking up women in his field online, offering his "help." She looks exactly like me in my twenties.

We have been separated for three years, with no intent of divorcing due to financial entanglements. Plus, it is convenient for him that I continue to take care of everything. We have a 15 year-old daughter who lives with me. He lives 3 hours away close to his job, in a remote area. We own jointly the two very nice houses in which we live.

Now he dropped the bomb that the young woman is going to visit him for a "crash course" in his field, and he wants her to meet our daughter.

I am almost 13 years younger than him. When I met him 20 years ago, he was about to turn 40 and looking at women in their early to mid-twenties. This hasn't changed. I don't know how to handle this.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like it is what it is. There’s nothing you can do about it. Why are you listening to him describe his affairs? Seems odd.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Im not "listening to him describe his affairs". He brought up the young woman because he wants her to meet our daughter. I saw photos of her on social media. Regarding his earlier exploits, I found out about his affairs during the second half of our marriage on his laptop.

[Anonymous]

He was correct to ask your permission before having his friend meet your daughter. You can say yes or no. The age of the "friend" in question is immaterial as long as she's a consenting adult.

Separately, you can decide whether you are OK with you or your husband dating other people before the divorce is finalized. You might even contact this young woman to let her know that her "mentor" is still married.

[Anonymous]

Well I guess the good news is that you are married and by 'taking care of everything' you hopefully locked up his $/ability to overspend and you own or joint own-so he can't give away his ownership/$ to her when he dies? Can he?

PS there's no fool like an old fool. What does the 15 yr old think? Maybe she will be comfortable being honest that he is acting like a pathetic creep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He was correct to ask your permission before having his friend meet your daughter. You can say yes or no. The age of the "friend" in question is immaterial as long as she's a consenting adult.

Separately, you can decide whether you are OK with you or your husband dating other people before the divorce is finalized. You might even contact this young woman to let her know that her "mentor" is still married.

Not sure she is a free and clear consenting adult when there's the inequality and pressure of him being in a power/mentor situation with her. That's how coercive sex happens. Messy and stupid. You may want to ask him how he'd respond if your daughter was the 22 year old and she had a 59 year old 'whatever he thinks he is'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm trying to process this. The 22 y.o. is a graduate student on the other coast, in my STBX's field. That's his spiel, talking up women in his field online, offering his "help." She looks exactly like me in my twenties.

We have been separated for three years, with no intent of divorcing due to financial entanglements. Plus, it is convenient for him that I continue to take care of everything. We have a 15 year-old daughter who lives with me. He lives 3 hours away close to his job, in a remote area. We own jointly the two very nice houses in which we live.

Now he dropped the bomb that the young woman is going to visit him for a "crash course" in his field, and he wants her to meet our daughter.

I am almost 13 years younger than him. When I met him 20 years ago, he was about to turn 40 and looking at women in their early to mid-twenties. This hasn't changed. I don't know how to handle this.

why would you marry a man 13 years older than you?? are you insane? naive? or just stupid?

or were you searching for someone to take care of you? financial entanglements is code for not wanting to have to support yourself.

and to top it off , now you are surprised when he traded you in a for a newer model?

men are hard wired after tens of thousands of years of evolution to be attracted to young women. it is the young women that go out with older men that are insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well I guess the good news is that you are married and by 'taking care of everything' you hopefully locked up his $/ability to overspend and you own or joint own-so he can't give away his ownership/$ to her when he dies? Can he?

PS there's no fool like an old fool. What does the 15 yr old think? Maybe she will be comfortable being honest that he is acting like a pathetic creep.

OP here. Yes, I have locked up everything for now, and he is not overspending. He will likely want to divorce in the future, at the latest when she (or another similar woman) gets pregnant. Realistacally, there is no way I or our daughter will get anything after his death of what he will get in a divorce and accumulate afterwards.

[Anonymous]

Why are you stalking his social media? You need to just get divorced already because like it or not he’s F’ing this young thang instead of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm trying to process this. The 22 y.o. is a graduate student on the other coast, in my STBX's field. That's his spiel, talking up women in his field online, offering his "help." She looks exactly like me in my twenties.

We have been separated for three years, with no intent of divorcing due to financial entanglements. Plus, it is convenient for him that I continue to take care of everything. We have a 15 year-old daughter who lives with me. He lives 3 hours away close to his job, in a remote area. We own jointly the two very nice houses in which we live.

Now he dropped the bomb that the young woman is going to visit him for a "crash course" in his field, and he wants her to meet our daughter.

I am almost 13 years younger than him. When I met him 20 years ago, he was about to turn 40 and looking at women in their early to mid-twenties. This hasn't changed. I don't know how to handle this.

why would you marry a man 13 years older than you?? are you insane? naive? or just stupid?

or were you searching for someone to take care of you? financial entanglements is code for not wanting to have to support yourself.

and to top it off , now you are surprised when he traded you in a for a newer model?

men are hard wired after tens of thousands of years of evolution to be attracted to young women. it is the young women that go out with older men that are insane.

OP here. I have two terminal degrees and earn very well (own my own firm), but not as well as he does.

13 years did not seem like a big age difference. 37, on the other hand... She could almost be his granddaughter. It's embarrassing, even though he looks a lot younger. He is in for a lot of disappointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm trying to process this. The 22 y.o. is a graduate student on the other coast, in my STBX's field. That's his spiel, talking up women in his field online, offering his "help." She looks exactly like me in my twenties.

We have been separated for three years, with no intent of divorcing due to financial entanglements. Plus, it is convenient for him that I continue to take care of everything. We have a 15 year-old daughter who lives with me. He lives 3 hours away close to his job, in a remote area. We own jointly the two very nice houses in which we live.

Now he dropped the bomb that the young woman is going to visit him for a "crash course" in his field, and he wants her to meet our daughter.

I am almost 13 years younger than him. When I met him 20 years ago, he was about to turn 40 and looking at women in their early to mid-twenties. This hasn't changed. I don't know how to handle this.

why would you marry a man 13 years older than you?? are you insane? naive? or just stupid?

or were you searching for someone to take care of you? financial entanglements is code for not wanting to have to support yourself.

and to top it off , now you are surprised when he traded you in a for a newer model?

men are hard wired after tens of thousands of years of evolution to be attracted to young women. it is the young women that go out with older men that are insane.

OP here. I have two terminal degrees and earn very well (own my own firm), but not as well as he does.

13 years did not seem like a big age difference. 37, on the other hand... She could almost be his granddaughter. It's embarrassing, even though he looks a lot younger. He is in for a lot of disappointment.

13 years is huge. i even know anyone with this age difference. it is just so abnormal except for trophy wives.

[Anonymous]

Why aren’t you divorced? You need to divorce and make sure your daughter is taken care of especially for college. Make him fully fund a 529. Use your leverage.

[Anonymous]

Grow up and get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why aren’t you divorced? You need to divorce and make sure your daughter is taken care of especially for college. Make him fully fund a 529. Use your leverage.

They BOTH need to fund college.

[Anonymous]

If he has approached your daughter, then let her decide. If not, then he’s just trying to get your attention. Don’t mention to daughter.