How to talk to teenage DD about her father chasing women in their early 20s?

[Anonymous]

I am the OP of the following thread in the relationship forum:
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1277224.page

The issue has become one more suitable for the Tweens and Teens forum.

My husband and I have lived separately for more than three years. He always cheated, sometimes with several women at the same time.
DD doesn't know about the cheating part, and I do not plan to every discuss it with her.

However, a recent event has rocked her childhood: her 59 y.o. dad is chasing a 22 y.o. woman whom he found on a tutoring website about four weeks ago. They have done two tutoring sessions, DD is excited. STBXH has invited the young woman to his home and made it sound safe by proposing cultural outings with DD.

I have handled things poorly with DD and I don't know how to make it better. I asked her if it would be OK for her if we choose another math tutor. She asked why, and I told her because daddy considers himself to be an appropriate romantic partner for the tutor and I don't want to put DD in the middle of that situation.

I feel like this is a turning point in DD's childhood. She has asked questions and labeled her dad a "predator." She is distancing herself from her dad. I should have
made something up or I should have asked the tutor to
announce that she quits.

I feel like I just destroyed her childhood, when my goal was to protect her. I feel terrible.

[Anonymous]

I don’t get it. This “tutor” is on the other side of the country? And your husband invited her to his house to learn something in his field from him…what does this have to do with tutoring your daughter? Not following how this lady and your daughter fit together

[Anonymous]

Why are you so involved in your exes romantic life - why is he sharing these details with of you of his romatnic pursuits - how do you know all about these details of what he is thinking and his intentions with this woman? Are you out spying on him to see evidence of this romantic and chasing behaviour or is he telling you.

You got what you wanted - you trashed her dad to her and now she hates him. Congrats. She has two crappy parents. DO you actually know for sure and have evidence that he is romantically involved with the 22 year old or did you just make that up to suit your story?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get it. This “tutor” is on the other side of the country? And your husband invited her to his house to learn something in his field from him…what does this have to do with tutoring your daughter? Not following how this lady and your daughter fit together

OP here. The math tutor is a grad student in my H's (other science) field. He used this as an opportunity to "mentor" her. The "mentoring" and the tutoring are unrelated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you so involved in your exes romantic life - why is he sharing these details with of you of his romatnic pursuits - how do you know all about these details of what he is thinking and his intentions with this woman? Are you out spying on him to see evidence of this romantic and chasing behaviour or is he telling you.

You got what you wanted - you trashed her dad to her and now she hates him. Congrats. She has two crappy parents. DO you actually know for sure and have evidence that he is romantically involved with the 22 year old or did you just make that up to suit your story?

OP here. He has admitted to pursuing the 22 y.o. I've known about him chasing women in their early 20s for more than 10 years.

My question here on this thread are not about STBXH, but about not making things worse for DD.

[Anonymous]

You’re too involved in his life. MYOFB!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you so involved in your exes romantic life - why is he sharing these details with of you of his romatnic pursuits - how do you know all about these details of what he is thinking and his intentions with this woman? Are you out spying on him to see evidence of this romantic and chasing behaviour or is he telling you.

You got what you wanted - you trashed her dad to her and now she hates him. Congrats. She has two crappy parents. DO you actually know for sure and have evidence that he is romantically involved with the 22 year old or did you just make that up to suit your story?

OP here. He has admitted to pursuing the 22 y.o. I've known about him chasing women in their early 20s for more than 10 years.

My question here on this thread are not about STBXH, but about not making things worse for DD.

What did you already tell her that got her to the point of labeling her father who is interested in dating a fellow adult as a predator.

[Anonymous]

What’s the issue? He IS a predator, and she deserves to know. If she has feelings about his actions, that’s his problem. If he stopped chasing girls only a few years older than his daughter there wouldn’t be any issues.

He made his bed. He can deal with the fall out of being a nasty old man chasing college girls.

[Anonymous]

This is bordering on obsession OP. Therapy for you. You will be much happier, which will help your relationship with DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP of the following thread in the relationship forum:
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1277224.page

The issue has become one more suitable for the Tweens and Teens forum.

My husband and I have lived separately for more than three years. He always cheated, sometimes with several women at the same time.
DD doesn't know about the cheating part, and I do not plan to every discuss it with her.

However, a recent event has rocked her childhood: her 59 y.o. dad is chasing a 22 y.o. woman whom he found on a tutoring website about four weeks ago. They have done two tutoring sessions, DD is excited. STBXH has invited the young woman to his home and made it sound safe by proposing cultural outings with DD.

I have handled things poorly with DD and I don't know how to make it better. I asked her if it would be OK for her if we choose another math tutor. She asked why, and I told her because daddy considers himself to be an appropriate romantic partner for the tutor and I don't want to put DD in the middle of that situation.

I feel like this is a turning point in DD's childhood. She has asked questions and labeled her dad a "predator." She is distancing herself from her dad. I should have
made something up or I should have asked the tutor to
announce that she quits.

I feel like I just destroyed her childhood, when my goal was to protect her. I feel terrible.

Let your daughter have the right to an opinion. She is seeing him for what he is. Please honor her choice to distance herself.

[Anonymous]

You already made it worse. She could’ve stayed young, innocent and gullible.

[Anonymous]

Just know that whatever her father does anything you do will be worse.

[Anonymous]

She was bound to find out anyways, OP.

[Anonymous]

I mean 59 chasing a 22 yo is gross, but not a predator.

And regarding the cheating, ALL my friends whose parents divorced because of cheating found out about it later. Some were furious and the fact that both parents covered up the cheating landed them in therapy. My best friend was so furious with her one parent for cheating, but equally furious with the other parent for making the cheater not responsible for breaking up her parents and household. This was while we were in college and her parents had divorced in middle school. I'm not sure what the answer is though and I also don't think you should tell her.

His comeuppance is coming.

[Anonymous]

You don't need a seperate thread and you are exhausting. Yes, its inappropriate, but its his choice.