How to talk to teenage DD about her father chasing women in their early 20s?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You already made it worse. She could’ve stayed young, innocent and gullible.

And let the innocent tutor be put in a terrible situation? All women should be looking out for each other, I'm sure op would want someone to stop her own dd from falling for an "opportunity" that ended up as a predators trap

[Anonymous]

DD is feeling super betrayed because her father put her in a tutoring relationship with the woman and DD liked her. Then it ensues father is going to arrange a "visit and activities" for the 3 of them. Under the guide of a tutor relationship.
Daddy exploited DD. She is rightfully pissed off. Let her be.
Let Daddy do his thing.
OP just support DD if she expresses betrayal.

[Anonymous]

I think you can start a future therapy fund for when your daughter figures out YOU and her dad are toxic AF and distances herself from both of you. You can make it a little better by leaving her a nice inheritance.

[Anonymous]

There was no need for you to talk to her about it at all.

You didn't say anything for her benefit.

You did it out of your own selfishness, hatred, and jealously.

Don't pretend otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you can start a future therapy fund for when your daughter figures out YOU and her dad are toxic AF and distances herself from both of you. You can make it a little better by leaving her a nice inheritance.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There was no need for you to talk to her about it at all.

You didn't say anything for her benefit.

You did it out of your own selfishness, hatred, and jealously.

Don't pretend otherwise.

I’m not OP but I can get that she might be concerned that this women wouldn’t be the best math tutor for her daughter if she is being pursued by the dad. OP knows she could have handled it better but I don’t thinks it’s totally unreasonable to tell dad something along the lines of the old “don’t sh$t where you eat” — dating your kids teacher or tutor is only appropriate where the kid is about to age out of that service or it is 100% true love like in a rom com and you have spent the appropriate amount of time trying to suppress your feelings.

Is your daughter in therapy? A therapist would be the better one to discuss this with her. But I think OP’s line for her daughter should be something like:

Everyone has their own life to lead, including your dad. He and I are divorced so who he dates doesn’t affect me and you certainly shouldn’t be upset on my behalf. Adult relationships are complicated and provided it’s all consensual, it’s okay. If you want this woman to continue tutoring you, that okay with me — it’s your decision. You’re gojng to have to figure out your own relationship with your dad — that’s part of growing up. But my hope is that you continue to have a strong relationship with him even if you don’t appreciate all the decisions in his personal life. Part of lioving someone is loving them even when they do things that wouldn’t be our first choice for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re too involved in his life. MYOFB!

They’re still married so it is her effing business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean 59 chasing a 22 yo is gross, but not a predator.

And regarding the cheating, ALL my friends whose parents divorced because of cheating found out about it later. Some were furious and the fact that both parents covered up the cheating landed them in therapy. My best friend was so furious with her one parent for cheating, but equally furious with the other parent for making the cheater not responsible for breaking up her parents and household. This was while we were in college and her parents had divorced in middle school. I'm not sure what the answer is though and I also don't think you should tell her.

His comeuppance is coming.

Disagree, and this sounds made up. Kids don’t care WHY parents are divorcing, and frankly, emotionally mature parents won’t be confiding in their minor kids and talking about infidelity. It is YOUR problem not theirs. And very rare is cheating the only cause of divorce- cheating is a manifestation from a problematic marriage or problems within one person. It’s a symptom, not a cause. Marital problems shouldn’t be discussed with children. My mother used to tell me about my father’s cheating and a child. Guess who I don’t talk to anymore?

I disagree. I think children want to know why. They just don't need gory details. If there's a general marital breakdown, okay, you don't need to get into sex life stuff.

I have a friend whose marriage ended because her husband got a married AP pregnant.

It's difficult to hide that situation and the fundamental immorality from the children of the original marriages.

Unnecessary detail is "when and where and why the baby was conceived".

A factual detail is: "we are getting a divorce because your dad got Mrs. X pregnant".

No, that isn’t factual. You get divorced because one or both parents don’t want to be married any longer. There is never one singular reason that stands for both people. And the facts are not the business of the children. It isn’t appropriate for Mom to talk about Dad cheating, just like it isn’t appropriate for Dad to talk about Mom being insufferable, belittling him, and having a personality disorder. All of these things can be true- yet none of them should be made problems for your kids to process. Kids truly don’t get care about the “why” from either parent- they just want stable and pleasant parents, whether married or divorced.

[Anonymous]

OP, you really just need to get a divorce ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP of the following thread in the relationship forum:
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1277224.page

The issue has become one more suitable for the Tweens and Teens forum.

My husband and I have lived separately for more than three years. He always cheated, sometimes with several women at the same time.
DD doesn't know about the cheating part, and I do not plan to every discuss it with her.

However, a recent event has rocked her childhood: her 59 y.o. dad is chasing a 22 y.o. woman whom he found on a tutoring website about four weeks ago. They have done two tutoring sessions, DD is excited. STBXH has invited the young woman to his home and made it sound safe by proposing cultural outings with DD.

I have handled things poorly with DD and I don't know how to make it better. I asked her if it would be OK for her if we choose another math tutor. She asked why, and I told her because daddy considers himself to be an appropriate romantic partner for the tutor and I don't want to put DD in the middle of that situation.

I feel like this is a turning point in DD's childhood. She has asked questions and labeled her dad a "predator." She is distancing herself from her dad. I should have
made something up or I should have asked the tutor to
announce that she quits.

I feel like I just destroyed her childhood, when my goal was to protect her. I feel terrible.

What does bolded part mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean 59 chasing a 22 yo is gross, but not a predator.

And regarding the cheating, ALL my friends whose parents divorced because of cheating found out about it later. Some were furious and the fact that both parents covered up the cheating landed them in therapy. My best friend was so furious with her one parent for cheating, but equally furious with the other parent for making the cheater not responsible for breaking up her parents and household. This was while we were in college and her parents had divorced in middle school. I'm not sure what the answer is though and I also don't think you should tell her.

His comeuppance is coming.

Disagree, and this sounds made up. Kids don’t care WHY parents are divorcing, and frankly, emotionally mature parents won’t be confiding in their minor kids and talking about infidelity. It is YOUR problem not theirs. And very rare is cheating the only cause of divorce- cheating is a manifestation from a problematic marriage or problems within one person. It’s a symptom, not a cause. Marital problems shouldn’t be discussed with children. My mother used to tell me about my father’s cheating and a child. Guess who I don’t talk to anymore?

I disagree. I think children want to know why. They just don't need gory details. If there's a general marital breakdown, okay, you don't need to get into sex life stuff.

I have a friend whose marriage ended because her husband got a married AP pregnant.

It's difficult to hide that situation and the fundamental immorality from the children of the original marriages.

Unnecessary detail is "when and where and why the baby was conceived".

A factual detail is: "we are getting a divorce because your dad got Mrs. X pregnant".

No, that isn’t factual. You get divorced because one or both parents don’t want to be married any longer. There is never one singular reason that stands for both people. And the facts are not the business of the children. It isn’t appropriate for Mom to talk about Dad cheating, just like it isn’t appropriate for Dad to talk about Mom being insufferable, belittling him, and having a personality disorder. All of these things can be true- yet none of them should be made problems for your kids to process. Kids truly don’t get care about the “why” from either parent- they just want stable and pleasant parents, whether married or divorced.

Sounds like you lived in a household run by angels where nobody did anything less than perfect. You never complained about your parents?

Stable and pleasant is good up unto a point but a person who never deals with anything beyond stable and pleasant won't be prepared for reality. Perhaps you meant "fosters secure attachment". By definition, divorce works against secure attachment. You can't fully solve that by being pleasant if you're papering over extremely problematic behavior.

Some people value truth in their relationships. Parents are accountable to children as well as spouses for actions that harm the family. Even if those actions are hidden, not talked about, or glossed over. It's incredible what kids know and find out.

[Anonymous]

Probably museums or art galleries or something.

[Anonymous]

You need help, OP. Enlist the help of a therapist for you and your child. Know that your husband now can tell his daughter that you are trying to sabotage their relationship by feeding her lies (even if they aren't lies).

[Anonymous]

OP, your story is so sketchy.

-Who found the tutor?
-What subject is the tutor in?
-How did your ex husband start talking to her, if she's just your daughter's tutor?
-How is it that he created mentoring relationship with her when she's just your daughter's tutor?

[Anonymous]

I think he told mom and daughter he found tutor on tutoring web site. I think math? Tutor knew man was prominent in field and wanted a mentor for her own advancement so tutoring motives were not pure either. Not OP but read both of her threads.