Rules about dating (14 years old)

[Anonymous]

Teacher here. Most middle schoolers who are not allowed to date, join after school clubs and make-out in school - I do hear them making friend plans like mall, pool, outdoor shopping area, etc… and the boys meet them there.

You can try but kids will always try harder and be sneakier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teacher here. Most middle schoolers who are not allowed to date, join after school clubs and make-out in school - I do hear them making friend plans like mall, pool, outdoor shopping area, etc… and the boys meet them there.

You can try but kids will always try harder and be sneakier.

Just because kids try to break the rules or get around rules doesn't mean they shouldn't exist in the first place.

No parent is 100% successful in preventing their kids from doing things, but it's our job to put up barriers and get in their way. You don't abdicate setting expectations because it's not guaranteed to have a 100% success rate.

[Anonymous]

My now rising sophomore had a boyfriend from February until a couple weeks ago, when he broke up with her via text while both were on vacation. She was 15 though and he was 14 turning 15 in march but both freshmen….Worst most horrible experience dealing with the emotional fallout from the break up and I wish I had done more to rein it in now in retrospect.

In our case, he was her close friend first. They hung out together as friends all the time leading up to dating and I didn’t have rules bc they were just friends, until they weren’t. It allowed them to get much too close too fast and they basically skipped all the awkward dating phases, and knew each other inside and out. So when he broke it off and then turned jerk right after that, it was honestly traumatizing for her. 15 year old boys especially are not mature enough to date.

And yes they had sex and often it was at his house despite his parents having all the rules mentioned here, and never leaving them alone, but apparently he’d watch their location from phone sharing….they also went on “dates” all the time, wore matching bracelets, had an “anniversary”, texted all day long the gushiest shit, and I really wish I had not let it play out like it did. I’m not sure I could have stopped it, but still… both of them seem damaged by the ending of it and I hate it.

Anyway, I’ve noticed that once kids this age have their first somewhat serious dating relationship (differentiating between some text only “dating” or barely holding hands in groups etc) they seem to continue to find new boyfriends or girlfriends easily after that. That’s the case with my daughter and all her friends, they either have no experience or are always coupled up. I think the attention is addicting, sadly.

[Anonymous]

If you allow it, keep strict supervision over them. It's not just sex or emotions, now. It's social media too.

My son was 14 and a brand new freshman when a girl asked for his snap and then they started "dating." She definitely was the person pushing the relationship to each new level. I knew he was not emotionally mature enough for any of this. But I took it as an opportunity to talk him through it, and to try to ensure he was being both respectful and safe. It only lasted a couple of months and I watched them like a hawk at my house. I had just gotten permission to go back to work after COVID, which I was dying to do. I hate working at home. But stayed home because of this new relationship of his. It only lasted a couple of months, and he broke up with her because they really had nothing in common. I walked him through that, too. No ghosting. Face to face. They are both great people but there really isn't much in common. Nobody's fault, etc.

She got really upset. And started spreading rumors on social media about him that were categorically untrue because I had been there almost every step of the way. They weren't horrific rumors, but they weren't true, and this social media revenge can be the new reality of relationships gone wrong.

[Anonymous]

I mean, these cautionary tales speak for themselves! Wow. And yet we parents who say “not yet” to teenage dating are somehow the unreasonable ones?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teacher here. Most middle schoolers who are not allowed to date, join after school clubs and make-out in school - I do hear them making friend plans like mall, pool, outdoor shopping area, etc… and the boys meet them there.

You can try but kids will always try harder and be sneakier.

Just because kids try to break the rules or get around rules doesn't mean they shouldn't exist in the first place.

No parent is 100% successful in preventing their kids from doing things, but it's our job to put up barriers and get in their way. You don't abdicate setting expectations because it's not guaranteed to have a 100% success rate.

+1000 (NP)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not allow it or encourage it. A 14-year-old is not in a position to "date" anyone. If they're a boy, they don't have the resources to take a girl out on dates and I'm certainly not footing the bill for his romantic life.

It's fine to like and have romantic feelings for someone, but I don't think it's healthy for kids at this age to have entangled, adult-like, exclusive relationships that come with all of the obligations and rollercoasters that come with engaging in those things. Not to mention the physical ramifications such as pregnancy and STDs.

I think I might not encourage it but would be tolerable of a 17 or 18 year old starting to do that stuff, but definitely not a 14 year old. They're an absolute mental and emotional mess and I've seen too many toxic and destructive boyfriend-girlfriend entanglements to encourage that for my kids at that age.

This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, these cautionary tales speak for themselves! Wow. And yet we parents who say “not yet” to teenage dating are somehow the unreasonable ones?

Raising kids well isn't easy at times. I'd rather be out of touch than have my dc go through what sone of these po's kids went through. Boys, especially, aren't emotionally mature enough at 13, 14, and 15 to navigate relationships while also dealing woth the raging hormones of puberty. I have no qualms about forbidding dating for my young teen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you allow it, keep strict supervision over them. It's not just sex or emotions, now. It's social media too.

My son was 14 and a brand new freshman when a girl asked for his snap and then they started "dating." She definitely was the person pushing the relationship to each new level. I knew he was not emotionally mature enough for any of this. But I took it as an opportunity to talk him through it, and to try to ensure he was being both respectful and safe. It only lasted a couple of months and I watched them like a hawk at my house. I had just gotten permission to go back to work after COVID, which I was dying to do. I hate working at home. But stayed home because of this new relationship of his. It only lasted a couple of months, and he broke up with her because they really had nothing in common. I walked him through that, too. No ghosting. Face to face. They are both great people but there really isn't much in common. Nobody's fault, etc.

She got really upset. And started spreading rumors on social media about him that were categorically untrue because I had been there almost every step of the way. They weren't horrific rumors, but they weren't true, and this social media revenge can be the new reality of relationships gone wrong.

Ick on the mama’s boy syndrome. The evil pursuant female against the poor innocent boy. Please stop on your cluelessness

[Anonymous]

Y'all are stupid, they are dating virtually and sending each other pictures and video chatting. I hate to be the one to break it to you but that's how they date now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Y'all are stupid, they are dating virtually and sending each other pictures and video chatting. I hate to be the one to break it to you but that's how they date now.

Agree with this and that is why I let my 14yr old have friends over of both sexes and I also let her go to the mall and other locations in groups. I much rather have her learn in person friendships and boundaries then the kids whose parents think the are innocent sitting at home all weekend looking at porn and asking girls for nudes or they will spread rumors about them. No thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, these cautionary tales speak for themselves! Wow. And yet we parents who say “not yet” to teenage dating are somehow the unreasonable ones?

Raising kids well isn't easy at times. I'd rather be out of touch than have my dc go through what sone of these po's kids went through. Boys, especially, aren't emotionally mature enough at 13, 14, and 15 to navigate relationships while also dealing woth the raging hormones of puberty. I have no qualms about forbidding dating for my young teen.

So you are okay with him staying at home looking at porn as his way of understanding how relationships work at 13-15yrs old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, these cautionary tales speak for themselves! Wow. And yet we parents who say “not yet” to teenage dating are somehow the unreasonable ones?

Raising kids well isn't easy at times. I'd rather be out of touch than have my dc go through what sone of these po's kids went through. Boys, especially, aren't emotionally mature enough at 13, 14, and 15 to navigate relationships while also dealing woth the raging hormones of puberty. I have no qualms about forbidding dating for my young teen.

So you are okay with him staying at home looking at porn as his way of understanding how relationships work at 13-15yrs old.

Actually, kids first education about relationships starts with observing how their parents treat each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teacher here. Most middle schoolers who are not allowed to date, join after school clubs and make-out in school - I do hear them making friend plans like mall, pool, outdoor shopping area, etc… and the boys meet them there.

You can try but kids will always try harder and be sneakier.

Or they don’t join clubs, tell their parents they’re walking to a shopping center with friends and hook up at the park/HS. I mean you arlington middle school kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, these cautionary tales speak for themselves! Wow. And yet we parents who say “not yet” to teenage dating are somehow the unreasonable ones?

Raising kids well isn't easy at times. I'd rather be out of touch than have my dc go through what sone of these po's kids went through. Boys, especially, aren't emotionally mature enough at 13, 14, and 15 to navigate relationships while also dealing woth the raging hormones of puberty. I have no qualms about forbidding dating for my young teen.

So you are okay with him staying at home looking at porn as his way of understanding how relationships work at 13-15yrs old.

Actually, kids first education about relationships starts with observing how their parents treat each other.

LOL - ok