Boyfriend is NOT a planner- do you have this dynamic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How non-planny are we talking about? Like he suggested you go away for the weekend - and now won't commit to a place, a hotel, etc? Or he doesn't want a full itinerary for the weekend?

OP: he says he still wants to time to read the links I sent him a while ago and won't commit to a hotel, and hasn't offered to book it. I explained that since I'm a single mom, my free time away from my kids is really precious to me and I want to make the most of it. That's why I don't like taking chances with not booking anything in advance.

I'm TOTALLY fine with not having a full itinerary- I don't like that either. It's just that the not taking any initiative or even pitching in to help plan feels like low effort, instead of "spontaneous".

Oh gosh, yeah, I can see why you're frustrated. If he even just left this in your hands and just agreeably went along with your hotel and anything else that would be one thing. But asking for links then not making time to read them and help select - that's really frustrating.

Are you up for booking the hotel or is this something you want him to do? How far out are you from actually going on this trip? Do you have a gut sense that this trip isn't actually happening, and that's amping up your frustration?

I really don't blame you for being out of sorts about this. Trips really can highlight what we like and don't like about being with a person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH doesn't plan. I honestly don't think he cares what we do, he'll go along.

I do all the trip research and reservations since I don't like to waste time when we get there, but to maximize our vacation time.

Though once the trip starts, I'm "off the clock". He takes over with the logistics - all the driving, gates, paperwork, etc. Not completely balance, but nice division of work.

OP: I could see how this could possibly work, in a marriage. It's a bit awkward when just dating, because there is also the issue of cost. If I am booking the hotel, it's on my credit card, and then we have to talk about who pays for what, and I also need to know if it's within his budget.

Tell him you can't do a weekend away until you two agree on a budget and basic itinerary, and that you need to know by x date so you can make alternate plans.
Adults with kids and budgets can't be completely spontaneous, and it sounds like you don't want to travel somewhere just to read. You guys may not be a fit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been dating my bf for 8 mos and am now realizing that he is not a planner, at all. He suggested we go away for a weekend and I've asked him twice what he wants to do and it's obvious he's just waiting for me to take the reigns and book everything. Do you have this role in your relationship? I'm not sure I like this dynamic.

He says he likes to be "spontaneous". But if you don't book something in advance, you're not going to get your top choices. He says he'll go along with and be
appreciative if I book, but for himself he just likes to go with the flow.

I've never taken on this role before in relationships. Do yo have this dynamic in your relationship? Does it work?

Yuck.

I’ve seen this before. “I’m laid back!” “I’m spontaneous!”

No, it’s immaturity, poor executive functioning skills, lack of goals, and total local of a plan to achieve any goal.

Dating a tag-along may be fun for awhile, but not marriage material. Can you imagine this BS every time a small or large decision needs to be made? Anything from vacation ideas that make sense to dinner places to where to live to how to manage kids. This guy will avoid decisions and avoid responsibilities.

Bad habit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every man is a planner. He just isn't that excited about this weekend.

Tell him that you will have a threesome on this trip if he plans everything, including where you are going to go to dinner and where you will meet her/him for drinks. Watch his clipboard and headset materialize from nothing.

op: haha. I don't think every man is a planner, though. He has ADHD and is good at many things, but really does suggest stuff last minute all the time.

Barely reactive is not a good way to live.

Find someone proactive or at least involved with planning or things. This guy ain’t any of that.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a total deadweight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. The last relationship I was in I did most of the planning and I'd put it in a spreadsheet, and share it with my gf. Then we'd have a phone call and go over details. She liked nicer hotels and restaurants than I did, so I'd upgrade those places. I was good at finding hole in the wall restaurants, and interesting places to visit.

I can see why it didn't last!

Can you tell me why?

[Anonymous]

He sounds like he doesn't want to go very badly. I would drop the subject, and if he brings it up again tell him that he is welcome to take the lead on planning.

But I would not date a man like this.

[Anonymous]

May be he is scarred by a former wife or gf who critizied whatever he planned and blamed him if it wasn't perfect. speaking from experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like he doesn't want to go very badly. I would drop the subject, and if he brings it up again tell him that he is welcome to take the lead on planning.

But I would not date a man like this.

OP: This is kind of what I'm thinking. I secretly made backup reservations at two nice hotels, just so that we/I have something to do that holiday weekend. I may just not bring it up again and see what happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:May be he is scarred by a former wife or gf who critizied whatever he planned and blamed him if it wasn't perfect. speaking from experience.

OP: hmm interesting. I don't know. What I've observed is that the women in his life (ex, sister, mom) pretty much plan everything and just tell him where to be and she shows up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like he doesn't want to go very badly. I would drop the subject, and if he brings it up again tell him that he is welcome to take the lead on planning.

But I would not date a man like this.

OP: This is kind of what I'm thinking. I secretly made backup reservations at two nice hotels, just so that we/I have something to do that holiday weekend. I may just not bring it up again and see what happens.

See, you have already invested 100x more time and effort than he has! Stop it! Let him experience "spontaneous", which likely means he asks you on a Thursday night to go away for a weekend and you say you can't because of the kids. Fun times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How non-planny are we talking about? Like he suggested you go away for the weekend - and now won't commit to a place, a hotel, etc? Or he doesn't want a full itinerary for the weekend?

OP: he says he still wants to time to read the links I sent him a while ago and won't commit to a hotel, and hasn't offered to book it. I explained that since I'm a single mom, my free time away from my kids is really precious to me and I want to make the most of it. That's why I don't like taking chances with not booking anything in advance.

I'm TOTALLY fine with not having a full itinerary- I don't like that either. It's just that the not taking any initiative or even pitching in to help plan feels like low effort, instead of "spontaneous".

So when I first read your original post I figured there could be a real benefit to this (if you like planning) in that you can have everything the way you want it and he'd happily go along. But this follow-up, ugh, just no. It's the combo of saying he wants to have input but then refusing to actually get around to it that's poisonous. Maybe try sending him one more note saying, "here's what I'm planning to book, if something doesn't work for you let me know by tomorrow morning otherwise I'll run with it" and see how he reacts? This is probably a really good litmus test at 8 months for your relationship and whether you want to continue partnering with him or find someone who's more fun and less work.

+1

I'd throw this one back in, OP, unless (highly unlikely) he has other amazing skills and attributes. There's a sweet spot between obsessively planning ever minute and detail and winging it. And throw in his weirdly passive-aggressive response, just no. Life is too short for yahoos like this one.

[Anonymous]

Too busy to help plan = too busy to go. Same goes for too lazy.

[Anonymous]

OP - you are ignoring the most important thing about dating. The purpose of dating is to find your best match.

It's not to just keep dating the same person and work exhaustedly to have the relationship continue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - you are ignoring the most important thing about dating. The purpose of dating is to find your best match.

It's not to just keep dating the same person and work exhaustedly to have the relationship continue.

This. Do you want this push-pull routine to be your life?

If he wanted to go, he would look at the links.