I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't

[Anonymous]

This thread really had some potential until the PP who hasn’t taken a vacation in 20 years came along and decided to make it all about her.

I noticed that the OP never responded to the questions about how much money she and her DH make, and whether he is a Fed. I expect that (assuming OP is actually a legit poster) the gulf between their incomes is not large, and that they are on track for decent college savings and a good life financially. It’s just that OP is consumed by jealousy that her friends or others she grew up with are much wealthier than she. If riches are her goal in life, trying to flog her husband into becoming a rainmaker won’t t work, and neither will divorce alone, most likely. She’s going to need to get the big job herself, maybe through her family’s network since she grew up UMC?

Any one else have any ideas about how a bitter, ambitious woman in her thirties with kids and possibly a soon to be ex-husband can get the life of luxury she feels is due her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should both pick up and move to a saner place. There is no reason for you to live like this. Enjoy your kids, enjoy your life, enjoy each other somewhere with lower COL.

Move to COLorado. Lol!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread really had some potential until the PP who hasn’t taken a vacation in 20 years came along and decided to make it all about her.

I noticed that the OP never responded to the questions about how much money she and her DH make, and whether he is a Fed. I expect that (assuming OP is actually a legit poster) the gulf between their incomes is not large, and that they are on track for decent college savings and a good life financially. It’s just that OP is consumed by jealousy that her friends or others she grew up with are much wealthier than she. If riches are her goal in life, trying to flog her husband into becoming a rainmaker won’t t work, and neither will divorce alone, most likely. She’s going to need to get the big job herself, maybe through her family’s network since she grew up UMC?

Any one else have any ideas about how a bitter, ambitious woman in her thirties with kids and possibly a soon to be ex-husband can get the life of luxury she feels is due her?

PP. I commented that not a lot of people do not take vacation or a lot. Then they started arguing with me. I did not derail the thread. People harping on me did. Again, someone making a stupid comment about leave your job due to vacation is missing the point.

OP is not suddenly going to be happy because she has more vacation time. She and her spouse have different financial goals. One of them will have to adjust their expectations...that is the ONLY way it is going to work. OP having a different job is not going to solve the problem. People offer really stupid advice on here and are missing the point. When someone feels that they do not have shared life, it is a real problem. It is not a matter of switching to a less stressful job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should both pick up and move to a saner place. There is no reason for you to live like this. Enjoy your kids, enjoy your life, enjoy each other somewhere with lower COL.

Move to COLorado. Lol!

Bad idea. Moving is very stressful on a marriage and for an ambitious person, she will be even more miserable feeling like she is living is life. Hard no.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

If you cannot (CANNOT) take more than one vacation a year, you need to change jobs. You are not going to look back when you are 80 and feel warm fuzzies about all that time you didn't take off.

RE footloose and fancy-free being a few paychecks away from disaster: You've created a false dichotomy. You can be financially stable and e.g. have a robust emergency fund, a vacation fund, and cover college tuitions, yet not be in a position to e.g. make the down payment on your children's first houses. It's not all or nothing.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. Think about what you want for your children and yourself NOW.

PP here. I have never taken more than one vacation a year in 20 years and I work for a nonprofit. Saying she has to switch jobs for this reason is ridiculous.

Wow, what nonprofit is that? I was getting 6 weeks of leave a year when I worked for a non profit - what do you do, sit at home burning your leave? That seems sad.

Technically I get four weeks...I can't take it. I have too many deadlines. I only took 6 weeks of maternity leave for my kids. Everyone else got 4 months. I do more than one person's job. It is just the way it has been for me...so don't act like everyone working can just take multiple vacations a year.

My guess is you are one of these people who just love to martyr themselves. You probably own a home, a few cars, take vacation, “have” to pay for kid’s’ extracurriculars, eat out a few times a month. You are doing this to yourself.

You'd be wrong. I just have a challenging job. I guess you don't. I have to take random days off when I can. I only take one week a year. Deadlines don't have vacation. It is all year. I don't eat out. I don't take vacation (I stay home), I have one car.

LOL. OP you sound very important with your desk job and deadlines. The world will simply stop spinning if you take a day off I’m sure.

I seriously want to know her industry. It sounds like non-profit journalism/publishing? Which BAFFLES me why she can’t just take leave and someone cover for her.

Because I am literally a staff of one person and they would never hire anybody else because I can do the job of multiple people. This is not uncommon in nonprofit publishing. There is literally no one else on staff to do the work.

So wait, you are are the high earning spouse, and you work in non-profit publishing? Like a trade magazine for an association? And no you can't do the job of multiple people unless you give up your vacation; that's literally false.

Read the thread. I am not OP. I am not married anymore. I don't have staff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need a vacation for real. Publish a mag that spans two months -special Nov/Dec edition and take two weeks off in Dec. Maybe do the special editions give a year so you can take the time off. Negotiate that with your employer. If they don’t accept, then I would seriously consider finding a new job. It doesn’t have to be in publishing. Talk to a career or life coach or chat with your network of publishers and see what they transitioned to after publishing. You sound like hard worker, perfectionist, and are very attentive to detail. Those skills are transferable anywhere. Folks aren’t really reading magazines anymore anyway, why not try communication director somewhere?

It’s okay that this may have been the life you wanted years ago but not the life you want now. My DH switched to a less stressful job a few years ago after being a high earner. And he’s much happier.

Stop commenting on my life. I was not complaining. I was saying that OP does not need to quit her job for more vacation time and gave myself as an example of someone who takes random days and one week per year. Vacation is not going to solve OP's problem. I would not even have commented if someone did not make such a stupid statement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Yes, that’s true. I would be dead. But while I’m alive, I need to stay employed. Not being able to take a vacation as part of the job that I do…it’s not a big deal and people who think it’s a big deal just really are kind of spoiled. Hope he said that she can’t take a lot of vacation and there’s nothing wrong with that and that’s not a reason for her to quit a job. Surgeons work even more. Stop acting like not having a vacation is a huge deal. I was trying to defend OP with her ambitious job when people were saying she should just take a new job because she can’t take vacation, which is insane for a lot of people. I know plenty of people who barely take vacation. I am not an anomaly and OP is not an anomaly.

Wow, talk about Stockholm syndrome. Not having a vacation is a big deal to most people.

Really? Many, many people do not get a lot of vacation. You live in a bubble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread really had some potential until the PP who hasn’t taken a vacation in 20 years came along and decided to make it all about her.

I noticed that the OP never responded to the questions about how much money she and her DH make, and whether he is a Fed. I expect that (assuming OP is actually a legit poster) the gulf between their incomes is not large, and that they are on track for decent college savings and a good life financially. It’s just that OP is consumed by jealousy that her friends or others she grew up with are much wealthier than she. If riches are her goal in life, trying to flog her husband into becoming a rainmaker won’t t work, and neither will divorce alone, most likely. She’s going to need to get the big job herself, maybe through her family’s network since she grew up UMC?

Any one else have any ideas about how a bitter, ambitious woman in her thirties with kids and possibly a soon to be ex-husband can get the life of luxury she feels is due her?

She married the wrong person. One of them will need to adjust their goals for their life, or they will be very unhappy. He is not going to get a more ambitious job, but it sounds like he does just fine. She would probably be more unhappy if she took a less stressful job because she would feel less accomplished and have to adjust her financial goals, whch are probably a big part of the reason she works. Making less money is not attractive. In reality, she will have to learn to be happy with the status quo, or she is just going to be unhappy, period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need a vacation for real. Publish a mag that spans two months -special Nov/Dec edition and take two weeks off in Dec. Maybe do the special editions give a year so you can take the time off. Negotiate that with your employer. If they don’t accept, then I would seriously consider finding a new job. It doesn’t have to be in publishing. Talk to a career or life coach or chat with your network of publishers and see what they transitioned to after publishing. You sound like hard worker, perfectionist, and are very attentive to detail. Those skills are transferable anywhere. Folks aren’t really reading magazines anymore anyway, why not try communication director somewhere?

It’s okay that this may have been the life you wanted years ago but not the life you want now. My DH switched to a less stressful job a few years ago after being a high earner. And he’s much happier.

Stop commenting on my life. I was not complaining. I was saying that OP does not need to quit her job for more vacation time and gave myself as an example of someone who takes random days and one week per year. Vacation is not going to solve OP's problem. I would not even have commented if someone did not make such a stupid statement.

Ha! I love that you come on here blathering about your life and then ask people to stop commenting on it. If you are really that critical to your job, you could take more time off because they'd want to keep you. My guess is that you are completely replaceable and are worried about taking time off because people will notice how replaceable you are. Either way, your love or drama and martyrdom is in no ways normal, so not sure you are really defending OP. You are just making this thread about yourself and your self importance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread really had some potential until the PP who hasn’t taken a vacation in 20 years came along and decided to make it all about her.

I noticed that the OP never responded to the questions about how much money she and her DH make, and whether he is a Fed. I expect that (assuming OP is actually a legit poster) the gulf between their incomes is not large, and that they are on track for decent college savings and a good life financially. It’s just that OP is consumed by jealousy that her friends or others she grew up with are much wealthier than she. If riches are her goal in life, trying to flog her husband into becoming a rainmaker won’t t work, and neither will divorce alone, most likely. She’s going to need to get the big job herself, maybe through her family’s network since she grew up UMC?

Any one else have any ideas about how a bitter, ambitious woman in her thirties with kids and possibly a soon to be ex-husband can get the life of luxury she feels is due her?

PP. I commented that not a lot of people do not take vacation or a lot. Then they started arguing with me. I did not derail the thread. People harping on me did. Again, someone making a stupid comment about leave your job due to vacation is missing the point.

OP is not suddenly going to be happy because she has more vacation time. She and her spouse have different financial goals. One of them will have to adjust their expectations...that is the ONLY way it is going to work. OP having a different job is not going to solve the problem. People offer really stupid advice on here and are missing the point. When someone feels that they do not have shared life, it is a real problem. It is not a matter of switching to a less stressful job.

NP. You did derail the thread.

[Anonymous]

You sounds greedy and materialistic. Try focusing on the things that matter---private school doesn't matter. Owning a house is nice but ultimately doesn't matter. Having a huge savings is nice but doesn't matter. You're killing yourself for things that in the grand scheme of things really don't matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

If you cannot (CANNOT) take more than one vacation a year, you need to change jobs. You are not going to look back when you are 80 and feel warm fuzzies about all that time you didn't take off.

RE footloose and fancy-free being a few paychecks away from disaster: You've created a false dichotomy. You can be financially stable and e.g. have a robust emergency fund, a vacation fund, and cover college tuitions, yet not be in a position to e.g. make the down payment on your children's first houses. It's not all or nothing.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. Think about what you want for your children and yourself NOW.

How very DCUM. We now pity people who only take one vacation a year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

If you cannot (CANNOT) take more than one vacation a year, you need to change jobs. You are not going to look back when you are 80 and feel warm fuzzies about all that time you didn't take off.

RE footloose and fancy-free being a few paychecks away from disaster: You've created a false dichotomy. You can be financially stable and e.g. have a robust emergency fund, a vacation fund, and cover college tuitions, yet not be in a position to e.g. make the down payment on your children's first houses. It's not all or nothing.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. Think about what you want for your children and yourself NOW.

PP here. I have never taken more than one vacation a year in 20 years and I work for a nonprofit. Saying she has to switch jobs for this reason is ridiculous.

Wow, what nonprofit is that? I was getting 6 weeks of leave a year when I worked for a non profit - what do you do, sit at home burning your leave? That seems sad.

Technically I get four weeks...I can't take it. I have too many deadlines. I only took 6 weeks of maternity leave for my kids. Everyone else got 4 months. I do more than one person's job. It is just the way it has been for me...so don't act like everyone working can just take multiple vacations a year.

My guess is you are one of these people who just love to martyr themselves. You probably own a home, a few cars, take vacation, “have” to pay for kid’s’ extracurriculars, eat out a few times a month. You are doing this to yourself.

You'd be wrong. I just have a challenging job. I guess you don't. I have to take random days off when I can. I only take one week a year. Deadlines don't have vacation. It is all year. I don't eat out. I don't take vacation (I stay home), I have one car.

LOL. OP you sound very important with your desk job and deadlines. The world will simply stop spinning if you take a day off I’m sure.

I seriously want to know her industry. It sounds like non-profit journalism/publishing? Which BAFFLES me why she can’t just take leave and someone cover for her.

Because I am literally a staff of one person and they would never hire anybody else because I can do the job of multiple people. This is not uncommon in nonprofit publishing. There is literally no one else on staff to do the work.

So wait, you are are the high earning spouse, and you work in non-profit publishing? Like a trade magazine for an association? And no you can't do the job of multiple people unless you give up your vacation; that's literally false.

Read the thread. I am not OP. I am not married anymore. I don't have staff.

In the least surprising news of the day . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot stand that I have a high stress job and my DH has a low stress (and low paying) job. Why did I do this to myself? I regret marrying him with every bone in my body. Any man who sits and watches his wife endure stress and pressure and is content to take it easy is no man. This is primal and will never change.

Wow. Replace DH with DW and watch heads explode on this forum. Men have dealt with this for generations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW who makes more than my DH and who is still overall very happy and satisfied with my marriage.

DH completely picks up the childcare and household slack and does thoughtful things to support me when I'm under work stress. He also knows there is a high likelihood of me retiring before him and letting him carry the household with insurance once we've built our nest egg.

This is the norm in that situation. It's just that this is a Relationship discussion so it caters to the outliers. Nobody actually needs to comment that it's working and they're satisfied with their situation.