Trying to handle baby + big law and failing miserably. Talk me down.

[Anonymous]

*I've

[Anonymous]

I'm of course not saying that it is easy or that it doesn't entail sacrifices, but I think many people on this board are making it sound harder/more impossible than it is. That people would immediately tell OP (or others in her shoes) to quit is disconcerting because with that mindset women will never be able to achieve an equal place in the office.

I have two kids 7 and 4. The younger is in daycare; the older does aftercare at school. DH, who has a FT but fairly flexible job, does almost all drop offs/pickups. He does most of the cooking and stuff around the house, although we have someone clean once a week and we have come to accept that the house will be a little messy. He can almost always cover the (thankfully relatively rare) times the kids are sick or have some other scheduling issue that is out of the ordinary. But, I am usually able to block off important things like school plays and I've almost never missed something like that.

I make it home for dinner, or at least bedtime, more nights than not. On the days that I stay late, I usually stay very late. That makes it easier to get home other nights. I'll also obviously log on some times from home after the kids go to sleep. I also don't have to travel much, which helps a lot, but I also know not all practice areas have that benefit. I'm generally able to keep my weekends free and devote it almost exclusively to family activities.

It isn't easy, but it also isn't impossible or a bad life. I enjoy my work. I enjoy the benefits my work provides. I don't know that I will do it forever, but doing it as long as I have has given us tremendous financial freedom going forward and it also has opened up plenty of other doors once I decide it is time do something else.

It isn't for everyone, but I wouldn't just assume that kids has to mean the end of a Biglaw career.

[Anonymous]

Every single DC biglaw form has moms as senior partners. PP must mean her husband is in midlaw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:HAHA I showed this thread to my BigLaw DH and he said it helps if you are a brilliant lawyer. Thames a bit less time to do the work.

Do you work? (Just curious)

Yes but not in law. I asked him overall to consider all women lawyers in all levels over many years time and tell me what he thought. His reply matched that of an older but more well researched article in NYT about women lawyers. He said/ it said: men and women in law about equal in number as associates. The number of women drop off as they go upwards in the law firm steps. He was unable (his experience) to name a single senior woman partner who had children. Of the senior women partners that he knew he felt that these women were much, much more intelligent in law than the average male partner and also that they were faster/ more efficient. One persons opinion. I laughed because it’s a cliche. But cliches always have some truth.

Law is a very feminine profession. Lots of organization, emotional labor, and taking the supporting role to your client. A lot of men deal with the inherent emasculinization in sad, small, petty ways.

DP. Some practice areas have become quite feminized indeed. Think...employment law, to take one example. Men tend to avoid those areas because it’s an ironclad rule of life that when a job becomes too feminized men perceive it as lacking in prestige.

Nah. I’m a trial lawyer. It’s feminine AF. Husband is a SC litigator. Soooo feminine. Deal lawyers? The scoldy “wife” role to the masculine business bros.

i’m not following.

The tippy tops of prestige are still insanely feminine. SC = Supreme Court. Do men do these jobs? Sure, though women have taken over top roles more than other similar fields. But there’s no denying those men are doing feminine work.

Associate classes are loaded with white women.

[Anonymous]

Law is a very weird profession. Firms with old white male leadership on a phony quest to diversify. But it’s unforgiving. One mistake and your career is OVER. No margin for error.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every single DC biglaw form has moms as senior partners. PP must mean her husband is in midlaw.

Time off and/or fleets of nannies on the way to partnership?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm of course not saying that it is easy or that it doesn't entail sacrifices, but I think many people on this board are making it sound harder/more impossible than it is. That people would immediately tell OP (or others in her shoes) to quit is disconcerting because with that mindset women will never be able to achieve an equal place in the office.

I have two kids 7 and 4. The younger is in daycare; the older does aftercare at school. DH, who has a FT but fairly flexible job, does almost all drop offs/pickups. He does most of the cooking and stuff around the house, although we have someone clean once a week and we have come to accept that the house will be a little messy. He can almost always cover the (thankfully relatively rare) times the kids are sick or have some other scheduling issue that is out of the ordinary. But, I am usually able to block off important things like school plays and I've almost never missed something like that.

I make it home for dinner, or at least bedtime, more nights than not. On the days that I stay late, I usually stay very late. That makes it easier to get home other nights. I'll also obviously log on some times from home after the kids go to sleep. I also don't have to travel much, which helps a lot, but I also know not all practice areas have that benefit. I'm generally able to keep my weekends free and devote it almost exclusively to family activities.

It isn't easy, but it also isn't impossible or a bad life. I enjoy my work. I enjoy the benefits my work provides. I don't know that I will do it forever, but doing it as long as I have has given us tremendous financial freedom going forward and it also has opened up plenty of other doors once I decide it is time do something else.

It isn't for everyone, but I wouldn't just assume that kids has to mean the end of a Biglaw career.

Guessing it’s your practice area. Trademark law or something like that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm of course not saying that it is easy or that it doesn't entail sacrifices, but I think many people on this board are making it sound harder/more impossible than it is. That people would immediately tell OP (or others in her shoes) to quit is disconcerting because with that mindset women will never be able to achieve an equal place in the office.

I have two kids 7 and 4. The younger is in daycare; the older does aftercare at school. DH, who has a FT but fairly flexible job, does almost all drop offs/pickups. He does most of the cooking and stuff around the house, although we have someone clean once a week and we have come to accept that the house will be a little messy. He can almost always cover the (thankfully relatively rare) times the kids are sick or have some other scheduling issue that is out of the ordinary. But, I am usually able to block off important things like school plays and I've almost never missed something like that.

I make it home for dinner, or at least bedtime, more nights than not. On the days that I stay late, I usually stay very late. That makes it easier to get home other nights. I'll also obviously log on some times from home after the kids go to sleep. I also don't have to travel much, which helps a lot, but I also know not all practice areas have that benefit. I'm generally able to keep my weekends free and devote it almost exclusively to family activities.

It isn't easy, but it also isn't impossible or a bad life. I enjoy my work. I enjoy the benefits my work provides. I don't know that I will do it forever, but doing it as long as I have has given us tremendous financial freedom going forward and it also has opened up plenty of other doors once I decide it is time do something else.

It isn't for everyone, but I wouldn't just assume that kids has to mean the end of a Biglaw career.

Just want to echo that I’ve had almost the same experience. I am a regulatory lawyer so that generally makes the hours a bit easier, and my husband is the default parent for now (but I’ve also been the default parent when he had a different job and traveled much more) but I think there are ways to figure out how to make it work for you, especially if you don’t think you will stay forever. Also not everyone’s way of making it work looks the the same, and that’s ok. OP, cheers to making it work in the short-term, I know you can do it!

[Anonymous]

Move to a lower cost of living city.

Ideas:
Cincinnati
Omaha
Tucson
Minneapolis
Des Moines
Fargo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm of course not saying that it is easy or that it doesn't entail sacrifices, but I think many people on this board are making it sound harder/more impossible than it is. That people would immediately tell OP (or others in her shoes) to quit is disconcerting because with that mindset women will never be able to achieve an equal place in the office.

I have two kids 7 and 4. The younger is in daycare; the older does aftercare at school. DH, who has a FT but fairly flexible job, does almost all drop offs/pickups. He does most of the cooking and stuff around the house, although we have someone clean once a week and we have come to accept that the house will be a little messy. He can almost always cover the (thankfully relatively rare) times the kids are sick or have some other scheduling issue that is out of the ordinary. But, I am usually able to block off important things like school plays and I've almost never missed something like that.

I make it home for dinner, or at least bedtime, more nights than not. On the days that I stay late, I usually stay very late. That makes it easier to get home other nights. I'll also obviously log on some times from home after the kids go to sleep. I also don't have to travel much, which helps a lot, but I also know not all practice areas have that benefit. I'm generally able to keep my weekends free and devote it almost exclusively to family activities.

It isn't easy, but it also isn't impossible or a bad life. I enjoy my work. I enjoy the benefits my work provides. I don't know that I will do it forever, but doing it as long as I have has given us tremendous financial freedom going forward and it also has opened up plenty of other doors once I decide it is time do something else.

It isn't for everyone, but I wouldn't just assume that kids has to mean the end of a Biglaw career.

Guessing it’s your practice area. Trademark law or something like that?

No. Curious how/why you assumed that . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Move to a lower cost of living city.

Ideas:
Cincinnati
Omaha
Tucson
Minneapolis
Des Moines
Fargo

Okay, you got me: some things are worse than biglaw. -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm of course not saying that it is easy or that it doesn't entail sacrifices, but I think many people on this board are making it sound harder/more impossible than it is. That people would immediately tell OP (or others in her shoes) to quit is disconcerting because with that mindset women will never be able to achieve an equal place in the office.

I have two kids 7 and 4. The younger is in daycare; the older does aftercare at school. DH, who has a FT but fairly flexible job, does almost all drop offs/pickups. He does most of the cooking and stuff around the house, although we have someone clean once a week and we have come to accept that the house will be a little messy. He can almost always cover the (thankfully relatively rare) times the kids are sick or have some other scheduling issue that is out of the ordinary. But, I am usually able to block off important things like school plays and I've almost never missed something like that.

I make it home for dinner, or at least bedtime, more nights than not. On the days that I stay late, I usually stay very late. That makes it easier to get home other nights. I'll also obviously log on some times from home after the kids go to sleep. I also don't have to travel much, which helps a lot, but I also know not all practice areas have that benefit. I'm generally able to keep my weekends free and devote it almost exclusively to family activities.

It isn't easy, but it also isn't impossible or a bad life. I enjoy my work. I enjoy the benefits my work provides. I don't know that I will do it forever, but doing it as long as I have has given us tremendous financial freedom going forward and it also has opened up plenty of other doors once I decide it is time do something else.

It isn't for everyone, but I wouldn't just assume that kids has to mean the end of a Biglaw career.

This plus 100. Biglaw mom of two kids, oldest 10, DH also working somewhat demanding hours:

If I could provide a few thoughts:

- OP, I tell every single new mom in Biglaw: give it time. Don't make rash decision about your career in the first year. As each year goes by, I am amazed at what more I can do. You learn and adapt and get better at it. It doesn't happen right away, but I promise you, if you stick at it, you can do so much more than you can begin to imagine right now.

- There is lots of good advice on here. I think the key points are: 1) you need to find some help system that works for you. What that will be depends on your family and the particular moment. It evolves. Right now, my family relies on daycare for youngest, au pair, helpful grandparents around, cleaning ladies and landscapers. 2) you have to give up some things in your life but then make sure to carve out time for other things you need. I've largely given up on my social life but make sure to exercise and leave my weekends almost 100% open for family time. I also work from home 2 days per week but when I am busy I will work late and bank up a cushion of hours so I can be present other times with my kids. For example, some Friday nights I work super late so I can have a free weekend. 3) you have to be super disciplined about your time. For example, I rarely go to social lunches anymore.

- As much BigLaw bashing on here, there are lots of great things about the job. OP you may find that you agree--or not--but please give it time. You need time to figure out if you can master this.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Move to a lower cost of living city.

Ideas:
Cincinnati
Omaha
Tucson
Minneapolis
Des Moines
Fargo

Okay, you got me: some things are worse than biglaw. -OP

Ya know what? I felt bad for you, and now I do not.

FWIW, I left big law in DC for one of the cities above, and it’s wonderful. We have a nanny, and a gorgeous house in an upper class neighborhood. Our combined household income is $180k and DH and I both work 40
Hours a week or less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm of course not saying that it is easy or that it doesn't entail sacrifices, but I think many people on this board are making it sound harder/more impossible than it is. That people would immediately tell OP (or others in her shoes) to quit is disconcerting because with that mindset women will never be able to achieve an equal place in the office.

I have two kids 7 and 4. The younger is in daycare; the older does aftercare at school. DH, who has a FT but fairly flexible job, does almost all drop offs/pickups. He does most of the cooking and stuff around the house, although we have someone clean once a week and we have come to accept that the house will be a little messy. He can almost always cover the (thankfully relatively rare) times the kids are sick or have some other scheduling issue that is out of the ordinary. But, I am usually able to block off important things like school plays and I've almost never missed something like that.

I make it home for dinner, or at least bedtime, more nights than not. On the days that I stay late, I usually stay very late. That makes it easier to get home other nights. I'll also obviously log on some times from home after the kids go to sleep. I also don't have to travel much, which helps a lot, but I also know not all practice areas have that benefit. I'm generally able to keep my weekends free and devote it almost exclusively to family activities.

It isn't easy, but it also isn't impossible or a bad life. I enjoy my work. I enjoy the benefits my work provides. I don't know that I will do it forever, but doing it as long as I have has given us tremendous financial freedom going forward and it also has opened up plenty of other doors once I decide it is time do something else.

It isn't for everyone, but I wouldn't just assume that kids has to mean the end of a Biglaw career.

Guessing it’s your practice area. Trademark law or something like that?

No. Curious how/why you assumed that . . .

low stress, low travel, cushy gig.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm of course not saying that it is easy or that it doesn't entail sacrifices, but I think many people on this board are making it sound harder/more impossible than it is. That people would immediately tell OP (or others in her shoes) to quit is disconcerting because with that mindset women will never be able to achieve an equal place in the office.

I have two kids 7 and 4. The younger is in daycare; the older does aftercare at school. DH, who has a FT but fairly flexible job, does almost all drop offs/pickups. He does most of the cooking and stuff around the house, although we have someone clean once a week and we have come to accept that the house will be a little messy. He can almost always cover the (thankfully relatively rare) times the kids are sick or have some other scheduling issue that is out of the ordinary. But, I am usually able to block off important things like school plays and I've almost never missed something like that.

I make it home for dinner, or at least bedtime, more nights than not. On the days that I stay late, I usually stay very late. That makes it easier to get home other nights. I'll also obviously log on some times from home after the kids go to sleep. I also don't have to travel much, which helps a lot, but I also know not all practice areas have that benefit. I'm generally able to keep my weekends free and devote it almost exclusively to family activities.

It isn't easy, but it also isn't impossible or a bad life. I enjoy my work. I enjoy the benefits my work provides. I don't know that I will do it forever, but doing it as long as I have has given us tremendous financial freedom going forward and it also has opened up plenty of other doors once I decide it is time do something else.

It isn't for everyone, but I wouldn't just assume that kids has to mean the end of a Biglaw career.

This plus 100. Biglaw mom of two kids, oldest 10, DH also working somewhat demanding hours:

If I could provide a few thoughts:

- OP, I tell every single new mom in Biglaw: give it time. Don't make rash decision about your career in the first year. As each year goes by, I am amazed at what more I can do. You learn and adapt and get better at it. It doesn't happen right away, but I promise you, if you stick at it, you can do so much more than you can begin to imagine right now.

- There is lots of good advice on here. I think the key points are: 1) you need to find some help system that works for you. What that will be depends on your family and the particular moment. It evolves. Right now, my family relies on daycare for youngest, au pair, helpful grandparents around, cleaning ladies and landscapers. 2) you have to give up some things in your life but then make sure to carve out time for other things you need. I've largely given up on my social life but make sure to exercise and leave my weekends almost 100% open for family time. I also work from home 2 days per week but when I am busy I will work late and bank up a cushion of hours so I can be present other times with my kids. For example, some Friday nights I work super late so I can have a free weekend. 3) you have to be super disciplined about your time. For example, I rarely go to social lunches anymore.

- As much BigLaw bashing on here, there are lots of great things about the job. OP you may find that you agree--or not--but please give it time. You need time to figure out if you can master this.

Good luck.

Shorter version: become a staff and hire people to clean your toilets.