Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thanks for all of the advice/supportive comments. I'm still working through them.
Want to note one thing - I have no desire to make partner. Zero. I want to pay back my loans and learn as much as I can before going to the next thing.
keep your eye on the prize lady. do it.
This is real light at the end of the tunnel! I agree that this is by far the hardest time to be juggling everything, but you're making serious progress on your loan and that's no small thing! I agree with everyone saying you should get a nanny or maybe an evening helper depending on your and your DH's schedules. Just outsource to get through this last slog.
+ 1
The good news is your baby won’t remember this time period any way. So honestly, it’s better to work long hours now than when they’re a bit older (pre-k +) and really want to spend time with you.
Just envision your future now...
You’ve gotten rid of your shackles ... err student loans.
You have a baller big law resume to shop around (in house, smaller firm, DOJ)?? The world is your working mom oyster.
You are DONE pumping (yay!!). Kid is sleeping (mostly). Kid stays up later so you can really enjoy family time in the evenings.
It will get so.much.better.
Lord, the justification. Her baby won't remember it consciously but if you think never having parents around and/or having stressed parents has zero effect on your child, you're projecting your hopes about your own situation. That's not reality. OP's DH needs to step up or this can't continue. I vote for him stepping it up.
OP. I'm ALL FOR husbands doing their fair share, but I'm not understanding the few comments in this thread telling him to step it up. I don't see where he's lacking. Yesterday I decided to take the advice on this thread and work late one night. I did drop off so he could get to work a little earlier to do pick up. He picked up, fed the kid leftovers from a meal he cooked her the day before, gave her a bath, put her to bed, and when I got home around 9:30 had dinner waiting for me. I ate, we talked for a bit, and then I did a little more work while he cleaned the kitchen. What do you want him to do?
I guess this could be every night, and I'm pretty sure he'd do that, but as noted earlier I was trying to do the pickups so I could get some time in before bedtime. On those days, I don't see her any less than anyone doing a 9-5.
But I am starting the think missing bed time once or twice a week to stay late is more manageable. I did about the same amount of work but got a couple more hours sleep. I don't enjoy missing bedtime, but I don't see how that's going to scar my kid for life.
I clearly don't love this setup and want to leave, but I don't get blaming it on my husband.
I'm one of the PPs who said your husband needs to step up. I SAH; DH is a big law partner. I've worked, then worked part-time, then worked from home, then SAH full time, so we've been through it all. When I decided to SAH full-time my sister was horrified and I remember her clearly saying to me that spouses need to contribute 50/50 on the job front and at home. This was easy for her to say, however, because she and her DH have the exact same career which they both enjoy, and they each make the same amount of money. What complicates the matter is when one partner is making much more money, has a more demanding career, and/or is more passionate about their career than the other. In our case (which is not yours), DH made orders of magnitude more money, spent a lot more time working, and found his career far more fulfilling and enjoyable than I found mine. We still believe we are contributing to our family 50/50, but I contribute more in time (including time not spent with the kids, like time managing our budget or maintaining the house or other boring tasks) and he contributes more in money. Both are valuable.
I'm certainly not "blaming" your husband. It is an awesome situation when two partners can equally contribute at home and equally bring in the money, and you can't really expect a spouse to do more than 50%. But I have seen first hand that there are many men who genuinely enjoy big law, and they are able to enjoy it because they aren't doing anywhere close to 50% (or even 20%) of the childcare or housework or (above all) the mental work of having a family. These men manage to have a strong relationship with their kids, come home for dinner/bedtime most nights, are equally involved with the kids' activities. But they don't bear the "mental load" that the women in big law typically do. So often the woman - whether she works a demanding job or not - is in charge of hiring the nanny, managing the au pair. She keeps track of the kids schedules, she keeps track of the grocery lists, even if they then order online or give the list to a housekeeper. Even when you outsource a lot, there's still a mental component that women almost always do.
That's the difference between those who are happy (mostly men) in big law and those who aren't. My DH (who btw loves his job, but says he'd leave in a heartbeat if I were no longer able or interested in doing what I do at home) shows up and is present with our family and our kids (often more mentally present than I am, to be honest),
but he literally never thinks about paying a bill or buying toilet paper or what we're having for dinner. He never, ever spends mental energy on planning a vacation (though we discuss it on our weekly dates!) or how our investments are doing or whether a child should sign up for soccer. He went grocery shopping the other day and he realized it's been years since he's been to the grocery store unless it was to stop in and buy something for fun. He doesn't handle car repairs, or fixing our dishwasher, or yard work. He doesn't even know who we hire to mow our lawn or how much it costs. He doesn't know when I schedule our babysitter to come, and he doesn't know whether she's coming so I can go to the doctor or so I can take personal time. He is super present with the kids and knows what they like and don't like and is great at spending focused time with them. When I put family events on his calendar like soccer games or teacher conferences, he blocks it off and can show up without difficulty 95% of the time. When an issue comes up with the kids, we discuss it, and we come up with parenting decisions together. But he does not handle ANY of the mental work of having a home and a family. And this gives him the mental space to enjoy his job.
Anyway, it sounds like your spouse is solidly contributing his 50% to the family and home, which is great. In fact, it seems like he's probably contributing much more than 50%. But to be even remotely happy in big law, you need a spouse who does EVEN MORE than that at home, whether in terms of actual childcare and housework, OR in terms of being in charge of hiring the nanny / au pair so that you DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. The fact that you are on here trying to figure out what to do indicates that the responsibility hasn't been shifted to your spouse, and it's that shift in responsibility that allows people (mostly men) to be happy in demanding careers like big law.
I'm not saying what you or your DH should do, because I get that this kind of set up only works when both partners want it; the person working has to be okay letting go of being the primary caregiver, and the person who is the default parent has to be okay with doing a lot of thankless work for the home and family. But if you want to know how other people manage to be happy working in big law, this is how.
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}