Trying to handle baby + big law and failing miserably. Talk me down.

[Anonymous]

Hire a nanny or have DH stay home.

[Anonymous]

My first question is why your DH isn't picking the baby up from daycare? is the daycare right near your office and far from his? It is really hard being the parent who is responsible for drop off and pick up -- even if you stay with daycare, I would try to resolve that. even if he can only pick up once or twice a week, it may help.

I would also consider working late one day a week if it makes the other days more sane. It sounds like you don't get much time with your baby at night, so you may get more time in total if one night a week you power through and work through bedtime and stay late and then maybe come in later the next morning. I used to sometimes work until 10 or 11pm on Friday nights to clear out my to do list and make the next week less crazy. I found it more tolerable to do it on Fridays because then I knew I'd have the weekend with my kids.

It is not clear where you are in your career but it may be worth it to hold on for a few more years, even if you don't want to make partner. It may be easier for you to get a job you like with better hours if you are "Jane Doe noted expert on XYZ topic" vs "Jane Doe random 3rd year associate."

Also, this podcast interview with a biglaw partner mom of 4 may be helpful. https://lauravanderkam.com/2018/11/podcast-making-partner-with-kids-in-tow/

[Anonymous]

I had two babies in big law because I was determined to squeeze to maternity leaves out. But I knew after the first I couldn’t carry on like that. I started working my network and let clients know I was interested in in-house opportunities. I got an email during my second maternity leave and started the interview process. I went back for one week and have notice. I thought there was no way I could take the salary hit but was pleasantly surprised by the money (250k) with an amazing 401k match. You need to decide what you want for yourself. I leave at 4 pm and do not look at my phone until kids are asleep. And that’s just for peace of mind that there isn’t an emergency. I’ve only actually logged on twice to work at night in 3 years.

[Anonymous]

You didn't say if you were pumping but if you are, I would switch to formula. I am sure I will get flamed for saying that - but it will help and having a happy, less stressed mom is probably better for the baby (and for you!).

[Anonymous]

Thanks again. To answer some of the questions . . . DH does drop off and I do pick up. I thought doing pick up would be a way to make sure I get out of there to actually see her at night since her bedtime is so early (6:30). But I will admit that the few times we switched shifts, it was less stressful, so maybe that's one thing that can change and I can just deal with occasionally missing bedtime.

I do not breastfeed anymore - I had very low supply so didn't think pumping at work would be worth it. Definitely don't regret that decision.

[Anonymous]

Please hire a mother’s helper to help in the evenings. I was too proud to do this and my mental health and marriage really suffered.

[Anonymous]

I would hire a nanny or some sort of a help. I work for government and don't make much money, but still make more than my retired spouse. I do like nicer things in life and can't afford to quit, so somehow I'm trying to manage my life. It is very, very hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks again. To answer some of the questions . . . DH does drop off and I do pick up. I thought doing pick up would be a way to make sure I get out of there to actually see her at night since her bedtime is so early (6:30). But I will admit that the few times we switched shifts, it was less stressful, so maybe that's one thing that can change and I can just deal with occasionally missing bedtime.

I do not breastfeed anymore - I had very low supply so didn't think pumping at work would be worth it. Definitely don't regret that decision.

I remember the agony of coming home to a sleeping baby so I really don’t recommend it without understanding what it means but yes. That just isn’t sustainable. She’ll be up later and later soon.

[Anonymous]

Another voice of support. Like you, I couldn't afford to quit immediately, so I found that mentally pacing myself helped. I told myself that I'd wait 3 months before asking to go 80%, and in the meantime I would strive for "good enough" rather than perfect. That obviously will get you fired from a big law job eventually, but was ok for a few months. Things got easier after about 6 months, and I lasted a total of 3 years before I switched to in-house because I couldn't take the stress any more. Those three years were critical though--I was strategic about what I worked on a shifted my practice a little to make myself a more attractive in-house candidate. It also meant I could further cut expenses and pay down more of my debt.

I have other friends who were at friendlier big-law firms, and they were able to negotiate 80% schedules (which I think actually wasn't good for them because they still have to do 100% as a practical matter but then the firm has an excuse to cut bonuses, delay partnership, but it gave them some peace of mind). Others just make it clear that they would be in the office for core work hours, and would otherwise arrange their schedules around dropoff/pickup and make up the hours in the evening. I found the first year of my son's life was the hardest, and like you didn't want to "throw away" all of the time that I'd put in at my firm.

Best of luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another voice of support. Like you, I couldn't afford to quit immediately, so I found that mentally pacing myself helped. I told myself that I'd wait 3 months before asking to go 80%, and in the meantime I would strive for "good enough" rather than perfect. That obviously will get you fired from a big law job eventually, but was ok for a few months. Things got easier after about 6 months, and I lasted a total of 3 years before I switched to in-house because I couldn't take the stress any more. Those three years were critical though--I was strategic about what I worked on a shifted my practice a little to make myself a more attractive in-house candidate. It also meant I could further cut expenses and pay down more of my debt.

I have other friends who were at friendlier big-law firms, and they were able to negotiate 80% schedules (which I think actually wasn't good for them because they still have to do 100% as a practical matter but then the firm has an excuse to cut bonuses, delay partnership, but it gave them some peace of mind). Others just make it clear that they would be in the office for core work hours, and would otherwise arrange their schedules around dropoff/pickup and make up the hours in the evening. I found the first year of my son's life was the hardest, and like you didn't want to "throw away" all of the time that I'd put in at my firm.

Best of luck to you!

Honestly after I came back from baby I did 80% without permission. And I didn’t stress because I promised myself I would leave. The firm didn’t fire me, though my performance review was tepid, and then I lateraled when I was ready to go 100% again.

[Anonymous]

What a garbage industry biglaw. There is zero reason it has to be this way.

[Anonymous]

My husband works a shift that usually doesn't end until 7pm so he missed bedtime 90% of the time during the week when our kids were little. He didn't like it but he made the most of the mornings (they were early risers so he would take them to the local playground at 7am) and now that our kids are older he gets time with them in the evenings again. All this to say, that if you end up having to miss some bedtimes to stay sane, it won't be the end of the world.

[Anonymous]

Are there any women at your firm you can ask for advice? I know that can be tricky and some people advise you to NEVER reveal that you are less than perfect. But if there's anyone you trust, test the waters for "how did you do it" advice.

Also, what's your commute like? Is daycare close to home or work (yours or husbands)? Can you start to push bedtime back? Or switch your day so that you start super early and get to have evening time with your baby? Is your anxiety making you work harder than you need to or feel those 5-7 emails more harshly than you need to? Have you gotten any feedback about your performance or timeliness since you returned from maternity leave?

Trying to see if there's anything you can change now or soon to help.

As others have said, it does get better. Try to get control of something so you feel less powerless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How are your billable hours compared to target? If you're working 13 hours a day (9-5 and then 7-12) and not exceeding your billable hours requirement, there's a problem there. If you're working well in excess of your billable target, then that's a different issue to address.

I think this is a significant question. Even if you have significant non-billable commitments, you shouldn’t need to work this many hours on a regular basis to reach any kind of billable minimum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are there any women at your firm you can ask for advice? I know that can be tricky and some people advise you to NEVER reveal that you are less than perfect. But if there's anyone you trust, test the waters for "how did you do it" advice.

Also, what's your commute like? Is daycare close to home or work (yours or husbands)? Can you start to push bedtime back? Or switch your day so that you start super early and get to have evening time with your baby? Is your anxiety making you work harder than you need to or feel those 5-7 emails more harshly than you need to? Have you gotten any feedback about your performance or timeliness since you returned from maternity leave?

Trying to see if there's anything you can change now or soon to help.

As others have said, it does get better. Try to get control of something so you feel less powerless.

Thanks. I have spoken with one other sr associate mother. She's struggling just as much as I am, though it's nice to commiserate. There's one other mother but she's a partner who seems to work part-time. I think she's basically put in her time and is now setting her own schedule. I don't know how, though, because it's mostly the clients who think everything is an emergency that are driving most of this. I think she farms a lot out to a senior. I'm a mid-level and we don't have many juniors.

Commute is decent. 30 minutes. Daycare is close to home.

I don't think starting early would make a difference. I'm not sure why, it just seems like a TON of "emergency" work comes in in the evenings.

Feedback is positive. And yes anxiety is definitely making this harder. I think I could let things slide a little more if not for the anxiety without it hurting my feedback too much. But I don't know how to tune out client's "bumping" a request they sent an hour earlier.

I don't know. I want to try 80% but don't think it would actually be respected.