Upstairs is off-limits to guests

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The time has come to distinguish between individual practice and commonly understood manners. For instance:

I don’t mind if my guests put their bare feet up on my dining table - I’m cool with that // I acknowledge I shouldn’t assume it’s ok to put my bare feet up on someone else’s dining table table.

I’m fine with people bringing all their pets over to my house // I acknowledge I shouldn’t assume it’s ok to bring my pets over to someone else’s house.

I’m fine with people smoking in my house // I acknowledge I should not assume it’s ok to smoke in other people’s homes.

I’m fine with people wandering around the private areas of my house mi casa su casa // I acknowledge it’s not appropriate to assume it’s ok to wander around other people’s homes uninvited.

To all of these, I'd add: //I can enforce my personal boundaries without declaring other people to be rude, snoopers, inconsiderate or lacking in morals.

[Anonymous]

You should not have to “enforce” your boundaries - they should be commonly understood.

[Anonymous]

Everything else is just an excuse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you keep asking why a house guest would need to go upstairs, all health-related reasons excluded, as opposed to just asking. Here's my reason:

For casual party guests who aren't staying over, I wouldn't expect them to go upstairs, except to check on a kid playing in one of my kids' rooms, or to use the bathroom if it's truly urgent (I'd rather them not be uncomfortable waiting for a vacancy).

If I'm having an overnight guest, however, then that relationship is clearly closer than that of a casual acquaintance, and part of the benefit of having overnight guests, to me, is to deepen our friendship. There's a certain intimacy in opening your house to your friend (excluding certain areas - please don't poke around in my underwear drawer), and in being trusted with expanded access to more private areas of someone else's house. It brings you closer, and I love that about our guests' overnight stays. If someone is dear enough to me to be an overnight guest, I don't want them to feel like they need to ask. I don't want that kind of formal relationship with my close friends. I want them to feel comfortable in my house. It brings me joy when my friends visit my house and feel truly at home.

Of course, this doesn't mean that there are absolutely no boundaries. If I'm using the bathroom, I wouldn't expect my guests to barge in with something to discuss. If I excuse myself to take a nap, I'm assuming they won't come upstairs and start spooning me. But I'm fine giving them freer rein of my house.

If this isn't your cup of tea -- and I think it's pretty clear that it isn't -- that's fine. People experience friendship in different ways. But to declare every other way but yours as ridiculous, rude and ill-mannered is inaccurate and, ironically, rude.

And that's all fantastic for you.

But clearly, as we've seen, different people feel different ways about what it means to host and to welcome people into their home. Which is why one should err on the side of asking and respecting boundaries before proceeding. Once it becomes clear through invitation or asking or suggestion that a guest has free rein, by all means, take your host up on their lovely offer. But don't assume, and don't presume.

True. But by the same token, if someone comes to your house with different expectations, enforce your boundaries (kindly) but there's no basis or benefit to assuming that they are rude and wrong.

People with manners and respect simply do not go wandering around the private spaces of other people's homes. They just don't.

It seems like it's really important to you that your opinion be taken as gospel on this point. Why is that?

Maybe you should go over to your thread on snooping, and whether it is OK to do so. You're clearly a snooper who doesn't give a fig about manners.

No, I'm not. But I also don't assume the worst of people, and I don't declare that my opinion is the only acceptable one -- I allow for different perspectives, while still enforcing appropriate boundaries. I highly recommend it.

+1 One of the PPs on this thread needs to unclench and grow up rather than calling everyone who disagrees with them "snoopers." Perhaps if they didn't name call, they would have a better class of friends.

[Anonymous]

Bizarre. We have friends we are quite close with. Went to their house numerous times over a four-year time span when we were in the same city. Never once saw their upstairs. Wouldn't occur to me to go up there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should not have to “enforce” your boundaries - they should be commonly understood.

Why don't you read up on different cultures and family practices. People live differently than you do. (Most people figure this out by kindergarten.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bizarre. We have friends we are quite close with. Went to their house numerous times over a four-year time span when we were in the same city. Never once saw their upstairs. Wouldn't occur to me to go up there.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you keep asking why a house guest would need to go upstairs, all health-related reasons excluded, as opposed to just asking. Here's my reason:

For casual party guests who aren't staying over, I wouldn't expect them to go upstairs, except to check on a kid playing in one of my kids' rooms, or to use the bathroom if it's truly urgent (I'd rather them not be uncomfortable waiting for a vacancy).

If I'm having an overnight guest, however, then that relationship is clearly closer than that of a casual acquaintance, and part of the benefit of having overnight guests, to me, is to deepen our friendship. There's a certain intimacy in opening your house to your friend (excluding certain areas - please don't poke around in my underwear drawer), and in being trusted with expanded access to more private areas of someone else's house. It brings you closer, and I love that about our guests' overnight stays. If someone is dear enough to me to be an overnight guest, I don't want them to feel like they need to ask. I don't want that kind of formal relationship with my close friends. I want them to feel comfortable in my house. It brings me joy when my friends visit my house and feel truly at home.

Of course, this doesn't mean that there are absolutely no boundaries. If I'm using the bathroom, I wouldn't expect my guests to barge in with something to discuss. If I excuse myself to take a nap, I'm assuming they won't come upstairs and start spooning me. But I'm fine giving them freer rein of my house.

If this isn't your cup of tea -- and I think it's pretty clear that it isn't -- that's fine. People experience friendship in different ways. But to declare every other way but yours as ridiculous, rude and ill-mannered is inaccurate and, ironically, rude.

So you've invited a guest to stay for a few days at your house. You are in the kitchen cooking, and decide to run upstairs to use your master bath. You are surprised to find the guest in your master bedroom. Or you aren't surprised? If not surprised, what do you think they're doing in there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you keep asking why a house guest would need to go upstairs, all health-related reasons excluded, as opposed to just asking. Here's my reason:

For casual party guests who aren't staying over, I wouldn't expect them to go upstairs, except to check on a kid playing in one of my kids' rooms, or to use the bathroom if it's truly urgent (I'd rather them not be uncomfortable waiting for a vacancy).

If I'm having an overnight guest, however, then that relationship is clearly closer than that of a casual acquaintance, and part of the benefit of having overnight guests, to me, is to deepen our friendship. There's a certain intimacy in opening your house to your friend (excluding certain areas - please don't poke around in my underwear drawer), and in being trusted with expanded access to more private areas of someone else's house. It brings you closer, and I love that about our guests' overnight stays. If someone is dear enough to me to be an overnight guest, I don't want them to feel like they need to ask. I don't want that kind of formal relationship with my close friends. I want them to feel comfortable in my house. It brings me joy when my friends visit my house and feel truly at home.

Of course, this doesn't mean that there are absolutely no boundaries. If I'm using the bathroom, I wouldn't expect my guests to barge in with something to discuss. If I excuse myself to take a nap, I'm assuming they won't come upstairs and start spooning me. But I'm fine giving them freer rein of my house.

If this isn't your cup of tea -- and I think it's pretty clear that it isn't -- that's fine. People experience friendship in different ways. But to declare every other way but yours as ridiculous, rude and ill-mannered is inaccurate and, ironically, rude.

So you've invited a guest to stay for a few days at your house. You are in the kitchen cooking, and decide to run upstairs to use your master bath. You are surprised to find the guest in your master bedroom. Or you aren't surprised? If not surprised, what do you think they're doing in there?

It entirely depends on context. If it's my sister, I assume she's looking for a sweater to borrow. If it's my friend M, she's probably browsing my bookshelf. If it's someone typing on my computer, I assume they needed to print something out. If they're standing in the middle of the bedroom looking confused, I say "hey, what do you need?" If someone's going through my checkbook, we have a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you keep asking why a house guest would need to go upstairs, all health-related reasons excluded, as opposed to just asking. Here's my reason:

For casual party guests who aren't staying over, I wouldn't expect them to go upstairs, except to check on a kid playing in one of my kids' rooms, or to use the bathroom if it's truly urgent (I'd rather them not be uncomfortable waiting for a vacancy).

If I'm having an overnight guest, however, then that relationship is clearly closer than that of a casual acquaintance, and part of the benefit of having overnight guests, to me, is to deepen our friendship. There's a certain intimacy in opening your house to your friend (excluding certain areas - please don't poke around in my underwear drawer), and in being trusted with expanded access to more private areas of someone else's house. It brings you closer, and I love that about our guests' overnight stays. If someone is dear enough to me to be an overnight guest, I don't want them to feel like they need to ask. I don't want that kind of formal relationship with my close friends. I want them to feel comfortable in my house. It brings me joy when my friends visit my house and feel truly at home.

Of course, this doesn't mean that there are absolutely no boundaries. If I'm using the bathroom, I wouldn't expect my guests to barge in with something to discuss. If I excuse myself to take a nap, I'm assuming they won't come upstairs and start spooning me. But I'm fine giving them freer rein of my house.

If this isn't your cup of tea -- and I think it's pretty clear that it isn't -- that's fine. People experience friendship in different ways. But to declare every other way but yours as ridiculous, rude and ill-mannered is inaccurate and, ironically, rude.

So you've invited a guest to stay for a few days at your house. You are in the kitchen cooking, and decide to run upstairs to use your master bath. You are surprised to find the guest in your master bedroom. Or you aren't surprised? If not surprised, what do you think they're doing in there?

It entirely depends on context. If it's my sister, I assume she's looking for a sweater to borrow. If it's my friend M, she's probably browsing my bookshelf. If it's someone typing on my computer, I assume they needed to print something out. If they're standing in the middle of the bedroom looking confused, I say "hey, what do you need?" If someone's going through my checkbook, we have a problem.

+1 Our master bath isn't off limits to guests. We only have one downstairs bathroom. It's very common that two people need to use the bathroom at once if you have multiple house guests, and the last thing I would want is for someone to feel uncomfortable. And if someone wants to go into our master bedroom to take a phone call because it's loud downstairs, that's more than fine with me. I know when I was nursing, I would go upstairs to nurse in people's bedrooms per my host's suggestion, and I appreciated the privacy and ability to lock the door. I don't know why certain posters are so strident about not letting others use their space. It makes for an uncomfortable experience as a guest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you keep asking why a house guest would need to go upstairs, all health-related reasons excluded, as opposed to just asking. Here's my reason:

For casual party guests who aren't staying over, I wouldn't expect them to go upstairs, except to check on a kid playing in one of my kids' rooms, or to use the bathroom if it's truly urgent (I'd rather them not be uncomfortable waiting for a vacancy).

If I'm having an overnight guest, however, then that relationship is clearly closer than that of a casual acquaintance, and part of the benefit of having overnight guests, to me, is to deepen our friendship. There's a certain intimacy in opening your house to your friend (excluding certain areas - please don't poke around in my underwear drawer), and in being trusted with expanded access to more private areas of someone else's house. It brings you closer, and I love that about our guests' overnight stays. If someone is dear enough to me to be an overnight guest, I don't want them to feel like they need to ask. I don't want that kind of formal relationship with my close friends. I want them to feel comfortable in my house. It brings me joy when my friends visit my house and feel truly at home.

Of course, this doesn't mean that there are absolutely no boundaries. If I'm using the bathroom, I wouldn't expect my guests to barge in with something to discuss. If I excuse myself to take a nap, I'm assuming they won't come upstairs and start spooning me. But I'm fine giving them freer rein of my house.

If this isn't your cup of tea -- and I think it's pretty clear that it isn't -- that's fine. People experience friendship in different ways. But to declare every other way but yours as ridiculous, rude and ill-mannered is inaccurate and, ironically, rude.

So you've invited a guest to stay for a few days at your house. You are in the kitchen cooking, and decide to run upstairs to use your master bath. You are surprised to find the guest in your master bedroom. Or you aren't surprised? If not surprised, what do you think they're doing in there?

It entirely depends on context. If it's my sister, I assume she's looking for a sweater to borrow. If it's my friend M, she's probably browsing my bookshelf. If it's someone typing on my computer, I assume they needed to print something out. If they're standing in the middle of the bedroom looking confused, I say "hey, what do you need?" If someone's going through my checkbook, we have a problem.

+1 Our master bath isn't off limits to guests. We only have one downstairs bathroom. It's very common that two people need to use the bathroom at once if you have multiple house guests, and the last thing I would want is for someone to feel uncomfortable. And if someone wants to go into our master bedroom to take a phone call because it's loud downstairs, that's more than fine with me. I know when I was nursing, I would go upstairs to nurse in people's bedrooms per my host's suggestion, and I appreciated the privacy and ability to lock the door. I don't know why certain posters are so strident about not letting others use their space. It makes for an uncomfortable experience as a guest.

We also have just one downstairs bathroom, and we sometimes have parties with 40-60 people. There's no way we would ever think of keeping our guests from using the upstairs bathrooms (and yes, sometimes bring their kids upstairs to diaper or nurse etc).

[Anonymous]

Completely convinced the same crazy person keeps posting over and over and over and over about “rude guests.” You should seek help - this has become like a compulsion. And the paranoia about everyone wanting to snoop—you seriously may be mentally ill.

[Anonymous]

It would be incredibly rude to wander into bedrooms, etc. I’m shocked to hear people think this is how you act in someone’s home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would be incredibly rude to wander into bedrooms, etc. I’m shocked to hear people think this is how you act in someone’s home.

Do you never go to large parties? There's no way a first floor has enough bathrooms for all the guests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be incredibly rude to wander into bedrooms, etc. I’m shocked to hear people think this is how you act in someone’s home.

Do you never go to large parties? There's no way a first floor has enough bathrooms for all the guests.

Then you still ASK the hosts. So someone knows you’re up there, can give you directions, can warn you that someone is changing or nursing, ask you to wait 2 minutes, etc.