If you aren't sexually attracted to your spouse

[Anonymous]

The "it's biology" that women want new sexual partners poster has an obvious agenda. Not sure the gender of the poster but if male, he's a single guy who prefers fucking married women and if female, looking to justify cheating. I could be wrong, but I don't think so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife & I stopped having sex about 10 yrs ago. I got tired of begging to get laid. We went from crazy fucking anywhere to zip. Fuck it, I gave up & don't care what she thinks.
I jerkoff in bed next to her often. I have no idea what she does for relief

I would do this too. After she would say no for the million'th time, I just said f'ck it and started jacking off in bed while she was next to me. She just ignores me. Took 20 years to get to this. I used to do it often. Jack off and then go to sleep. And I don't think she ever had sex, even by herself. no affairs, no masturbation, nothing. like any need for sex was shutoff for good.

Now we are separated and I feel a huge relief. no more sex, but a huge relief.

I'm sure she's glad that you aren't jerking off next to her. Seriously, I can't think of a more clueless, gross, socially dense thing to do.

Loser.

He should go into the bathroom?

or downstairs when kids in house, no thanks. do it behind bedroom door. If DW has given up on having sex again, she has no right to dictate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The "it's biology" that women want new sexual partners poster has an obvious agenda. Not sure the gender of the poster but if male, he's a single guy who prefers fucking married women and if female, looking to justify cheating. I could be wrong, but I don't think so.

There is a difference in describing why men and women lose desire for their partners - a problem that many marriages suffer from - and excusing infidelity. Whether it's biology, hormones, evolution, etc, women, more than men, have a hard time maintaining desire in long term relationships. This is well documented. Acknowledging this is an issue can help couples get creative in keeping marital sex a priority and not just waiting for the magic to strike like it did for women at the start of a relationship. Just as acknowledging that men are going to find other women attractive and want to have sex with women other than their wives does not mean there is something wrong with the marriage.

In case you are wondering, I am a man writing this, not sure who wrote previous posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The "it's biology" that women want new sexual partners poster has an obvious agenda. Not sure the gender of the poster but if male, he's a single guy who prefers fucking married women and if female, looking to justify cheating. I could be wrong, but I don't think so.

There is a difference in describing why men and women lose desire for their partners - a problem that many marriages suffer from - and excusing infidelity. Whether it's biology, hormones, evolution, etc, women, more than men, have a hard time maintaining desire in long term relationships. This is well documented. Acknowledging this is an issue can help couples get creative in keeping marital sex a priority and not just waiting for the magic to strike like it did for women at the start of a relationship. Just as acknowledging that men are going to find other women attractive and want to have sex with women other than their wives does not mean there is something wrong with the marriage.

In case you are wondering, I am a man writing this, not sure who wrote previous posts.

The difference is you're explaining this as a way to help couples work around this. The other poster had a much less constructive agenda.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The "it's biology" that women want new sexual partners poster has an obvious agenda. Not sure the gender of the poster but if male, he's a single guy who prefers fucking married women and if female, looking to justify cheating. I could be wrong, but I don't think so.

There is a difference in describing why men and women lose desire for their partners - a problem that many marriages suffer from - and excusing infidelity. Whether it's biology, hormones, evolution, etc, women, more than men, have a hard time maintaining desire in long term relationships. This is well documented. Acknowledging this is an issue can help couples get creative in keeping marital sex a priority and not just waiting for the magic to strike like it did for women at the start of a relationship. Just as acknowledging that men are going to find other women attractive and want to have sex with women other than their wives does not mean there is something wrong with the marriage.

In case you are wondering, I am a man writing this, not sure who wrote previous posts.

The difference is you're explaining this as a way to help couples work around this. The other poster had a much less constructive agenda.

+1

[Anonymous]

He "helps" with stuff and we are not equal partners. He's gained weight, let himself go. He constantly wears sweat pants or walks around in his underwear. He doesn't shave or even cut his finger and toenails regularly. He just doesn't take care of himself at all anymore and that is suuuuper unattractive. It wasn't always like this, I have let him know that it's unsexy for me but clearly he doesn't care about it enough to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He "helps" with stuff and we are not equal partners. He's gained weight, let himself go. He constantly wears sweat pants or walks around in his underwear. He doesn't shave or even cut his finger and toenails regularly. He just doesn't take care of himself at all anymore and that is suuuuper unattractive. It wasn't always like this, I have let him know that it's unsexy for me but clearly he doesn't care about it enough to change.

If he hit the gym, fixed his grooming issues, dressed to impress you and pitched in enough to be a real help to you would your feelings change? Or is all this a convenient excuse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He "helps" with stuff and we are not equal partners. He's gained weight, let himself go. He constantly wears sweat pants or walks around in his underwear. He doesn't shave or even cut his finger and toenails regularly. He just doesn't take care of himself at all anymore and that is suuuuper unattractive. It wasn't always like this, I have let him know that it's unsexy for me but clearly he doesn't care about it enough to change.

Yuck. To all of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife & I stopped having sex about 10 yrs ago. I got tired of begging to get laid. We went from crazy fucking anywhere to zip. Fuck it, I gave up & don't care what she thinks.
I jerkoff in bed next to her often. I have no idea what she does for relief

I would do this too. After she would say no for the million'th time, I just said f'ck it and started jacking off in bed while she was next to me. She just ignores me. Took 20 years to get to this. I used to do it often. Jack off and then go to sleep. And I don't think she ever had sex, even by herself. no affairs, no masturbation, nothing. like any need for sex was shutoff for good.

Now we are separated and I feel a huge relief. no more sex, but a huge relief.

I'm sure she's glad that you aren't jerking off next to her. Seriously, I can't think of a more clueless, gross, socially dense thing to do.

Loser.

He should go into the bathroom?

or downstairs when kids in house, no thanks. do it behind bedroom door. If DW has given up on having sex again, she has no right to dictate.

Sure, do it in the shower like a normal person. Or in the bathroom.

I dont care.

But if my DH did that in front of me he would never be getting laid again and his ass would be served divorce papers STAT.

[Anonymous]

When we do have sex, its fine, and sometimes very good. But I went from a very high libido, very sexual person to someone who could take it or leave it and has to work to get in the mood. this is a combination of things but mostly two reasons: 1) DH is very vanilla. I've tried over the years to get him to open up more, but he is not comfortable even with making any sounds during sex, so handcuffs, or any scenarios, or anything slighly risque is out. Whereas I used to really enjoy pretty intense, open, slightly freaky sex.
2) although I sensed this when we got married, his vanilla side came with a healthy does of romance and passion, so that he would 'prime the pump' so to speak--send sexy messages, touch me frequently, make me feel desirable. and 3) he rushes everything! all the time. just like he does with everything else, he is kind of careless, so I'm just getting turned on and he moves to the next thing and I am constantly feeling like I have to have an orgasm in 5 minutes. I have tried telling him to slow down, and it works for a few minutes, but he r ushes through, and it makes me feel like he is rushing through to give me an orgasm so he can have his, and its not sexy. Makes me feel like he doesn't enjoy foreplay with me, doesn't enjoy my body.

With the loss of both his enthusiasm and his willingness to take time--a by product of marriage and familiarity, I guess,--there's nothing really to 'grab' me. So, we yes have sex, but its always just this thing divorced from our workaday lives, like we get in bed and he rolls over and just starts to touch my breasts. and I use my imagination to get in the mood. I have tried to ask for more and different things, and have modeled by example, but nothing much changes. Its kind of sad, because I would love to have raunchy sex a couple times a week, not vanilla every other.

[Anonymous]

PP here. I should add that I have considered the possibility that DH just isn't that attracted to me anymore, I have certainly aged, but not badly. Went from 117 to 122 lbs after 8 years and 2 kids. More wrinkles, hair not as long (I read that other thread!), but mostly its familiarity. He loved the chase, was the most romantic person I ever dated, but I think he got bored once he had me. He's classic ADHD and focused so much attention on me that in our courtship, that was super sexy, even if the sex itself wasn't as good as with others.

I think you really have to work it, after your married, to keep finding your partner intriguing, but I do, at times, wished I had married someone with whom I had more passionate, more spontaneous, more naturally compatible sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I should add that I have considered the possibility that DH just isn't that attracted to me anymore, I have certainly aged, but not badly. Went from 117 to 122 lbs after 8 years and 2 kids. More wrinkles, hair not as long (I read that other thread!), but mostly its familiarity. He loved the chase, was the most romantic person I ever dated, but I think he got bored once he had me. He's classic ADHD and focused so much attention on me that in our courtship, that was super sexy, even if the sex itself wasn't as good as with others.

I think you really have to work it, after your married, to keep finding your partner intriguing, but I do, at times, wished I had married someone with whom I had more passionate, more spontaneous, more naturally compatible sex.

You sound like a reasonable and thoughtful person and a great wife. Wish you were mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I should add that I have considered the possibility that DH just isn't that attracted to me anymore, I have certainly aged, but not badly. Went from 117 to 122 lbs after 8 years and 2 kids. More wrinkles, hair not as long (I read that other thread!), but mostly its familiarity. He loved the chase, was the most romantic person I ever dated, but I think he got bored once he had me. He's classic ADHD and focused so much attention on me that in our courtship, that was super sexy, even if the sex itself wasn't as good as with others.

I think you really have to work it, after your married, to keep finding your partner intriguing, but I do, at times, wished I had married someone with whom I had more passionate, more spontaneous, more naturally compatible sex.

You sound like a reasonable and thoughtful person and a great wife. Wish you were mine.

+1. You sound like what most men dream of in a wife. Your husband needs to up his game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He "helps" with stuff and we are not equal partners. He's gained weight, let himself go. He constantly wears sweat pants or walks around in his underwear. He doesn't shave or even cut his finger and toenails regularly. He just doesn't take care of himself at all anymore and that is suuuuper unattractive. It wasn't always like this, I have let him know that it's unsexy for me but clearly he doesn't care about it enough to change.

If he hit the gym, fixed his grooming issues, dressed to impress you and pitched in enough to be a real help to you would your feelings change? Or is all this a convenient excuse?

Not PP but my DH wonders why we don't have sex very often and is completely clueless despite me trying to spell it out for him. He has let himself go and doesn't seem to care at all. No physical activity, up 50 lbs in the past few years, has sleep apnea but hates the CPAP so he chooses to sleep in the guest room - says he's doing it for me because he keeps me up all night. If it were me, I would do whatever I could to a) fix the medical condition for my own health and well-being and to get good rest and b) be able to sleep in bed with my spouse. He basically says whatever. So he has no inclination to get in shape, eat better, drink less, get healthy... and I'm supposed to want to lust after him the way I used to? We have three kids and I'm in good shape - same weight (and more fit, even) than pre-children. I don't get it. Short of laying it all out, which I don't want to do (feel awful saying hey, I'm not attracted to you!!!!), I may gentle suggestions but he does. not. care.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like he is gay. Sorry PP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I should add that I have considered the possibility that DH just isn't that attracted to me anymore, I have certainly aged, but not badly. Went from 117 to 122 lbs after 8 years and 2 kids. More wrinkles, hair not as long (I read that other thread!), but mostly its familiarity. He loved the chase, was the most romantic person I ever dated, but I think he got bored once he had me. He's classic ADHD and focused so much attention on me that in our courtship, that was super sexy, even if the sex itself wasn't as good as with others.

I think you really have to work it, after your married, to keep finding your partner intriguing, but I do, at times, wished I had married someone with whom I had more passionate, more spontaneous, more naturally compatible sex.

You sound like a reasonable and thoughtful person and a great wife. Wish you were mine.

+1. You sound like what most men dream of in a wife. Your husband needs to up his game.