Boy slapped my daughter's butt on the walk from school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:School is out for the year. Today was the last day.

I haven't discussed reaction options with my daughter. I was at work today. She doesn't know how I feel about this other than me saying I'm sorry it happened and we would talk more about it tonight. I mostly listened earlier.

I want to notify his parents. I think I've said that at least 10 times already. They can deal with it however they deal with it. I'm not trying to decide on the punishment for the boy. I am also not going to tell her to just suck it up. That's a terrible lesson, and one I will not teach to my child. She reacted appropriately when it happened.

I posted this earlier, and you haven't responded.

Please, please, please TALK TO YOUR DD BEFORE you try to contact the boy's parents.

I am 1,000% sure she will not want this situation to escalate. You are absolutely right to listen to her and let her express her feelings, and PPs are absolutely right that this is a teachable moment where you can advise her on how to handle unwanted attention/contact.

But there is absolutely NOTHING to be gained by trying to identify, locate and pursue a 12-year-old boy who did something stupid.

It says that I will talk to her more about it tonight. I don't understand your definition of "gained." She should have an alternative to just tolerating it because boys acting like that is acceptable and expected.

No one is saying it is acceptable, but you want to take it to an absolute extreme. Do you want to make a poster child out of this boy? You seem thirsty for blood,

How do you figure contacting his parents is a thirst for blood or an absolute extreme? I'm not following you on that idea.

[Anonymous]

OP, from what I can tell you have been responding every few minutes to this thread. If your daughter is that traumatized, shouldn't you go spend some time with her?

And whenever anyone calls you on overreaction, you insist you are simply trying to contact his parents. You stated something different in a number of posts, where you specifically asserted what the school should do to punish the anonymous boy, but okay, fine. If your only goal at this point is to track down the boy's parents, I can pretty much assure you that posting repeatedly to DCUM isn't going to accomplish that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, from what I can tell you have been responding every few minutes to this thread. If your daughter is that traumatized, shouldn't you go spend some time with her?

And whenever anyone calls you on overreaction, you insist you are simply trying to contact his parents. You stated something different in a number of posts, where you specifically asserted what the school should do to punish the anonymous boy, but okay, fine. If your only goal at this point is to track down the boy's parents, I can pretty much assure you that posting repeatedly to DCUM isn't going to accomplish that.

Boom!

[Anonymous]

Well, OP is a troll, so obviously she has a lot of time to continue to respond to this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, from what I can tell you have been responding every few minutes to this thread. If your daughter is that traumatized, shouldn't you go spend some time with her?

And whenever anyone calls you on overreaction, you insist you are simply trying to contact his parents. You stated something different in a number of posts, where you specifically asserted what the school should do to punish the anonymous boy, but okay, fine. If your only goal at this point is to track down the boy's parents, I can pretty much assure you that posting repeatedly to DCUM isn't going to accomplish that.

I think you're confusing me with other posters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good parents do tell their children when their response is in appropriate to the situation. Crying in this situation is indeed an inappropriate response. You do need to teach your daughter how to be strong in the face of adversity.

No, good parents do not tell their kids their feelings are inappropriate. Feelings are always appropriate. Expressing those feelings in safe ways that do not harm others is almost always appropriate. Expressing any feeling in any non-harmful way at one's own home with one's own family is always appropriate.

Really, you honestly think the appropriate response to someone who is upset about something is "that's not a big enough deal to be upset over" or if someone's crying the appropriate response is "that's not worth crying over"? I'm sorry you think that, and that you likely taught your kids that. That seems so harsh and probably pretty scary.

Everyone has the right to decide for themselves what to find upsetting, and if something is upsetting to someone than it iS a big deal to them and it is worth feeling how they feel FOR THEM. Everyone doesn't have to have the same threshold for emotional reactions to things. It really is ok for feelings to differ, to be messy, to sometimes be hurt and angry, to not always be 'put together' or 'a public face' or whatever.

Check out the validation thread, it's pretty powerful stuff to legitimize someone's feelings and teach them that they are valid and important even when they aren't being what society calls 'strong'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good parents do tell their children when their response is in appropriate to the situation. Crying in this situation is indeed an inappropriate response. You do need to teach your daughter how to be strong in the face of adversity.

No, good parents do not tell their kids their feelings are inappropriate. Feelings are always appropriate. Expressing those feelings in safe ways that do not harm others is almost always appropriate. Expressing any feeling in any non-harmful way at one's own home with one's own family is always appropriate.

Really, you honestly think the appropriate response to someone who is upset about something is "that's not a big enough deal to be upset over" or if someone's crying the appropriate response is "that's not worth crying over"? I'm sorry you think that, and that you likely taught your kids that. That seems so harsh and probably pretty scary.

Everyone has the right to decide for themselves what to find upsetting, and if something is upsetting to someone than it iS a big deal to them and it is worth feeling how they feel FOR THEM. Everyone doesn't have to have the same threshold for emotional reactions to things. It really is ok for feelings to differ, to be messy, to sometimes be hurt and angry, to not always be 'put together' or 'a public face' or whatever.

Check out the validation thread, it's pretty powerful stuff to legitimize someone's feelings and teach them that they are valid and important even when they aren't being what society calls 'strong'.

The poster said the response was inappropriate. He/she did not say the feeling was inappropriate, and yes, good parents do help their children learn what responses are appropriate and inappropriate. You were so intent on trying to make a point that you didn't actually bother to read what was written.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good parents do tell their children when their response is in appropriate to the situation. Crying in this situation is indeed an inappropriate response. You do need to teach your daughter how to be strong in the face of adversity.

No, good parents do not tell their kids their feelings are inappropriate. Feelings are always appropriate. Expressing those feelings in safe ways that do not harm others is almost always appropriate. Expressing any feeling in any non-harmful way at one's own home with one's own family is always appropriate.

Really, you honestly think the appropriate response to someone who is upset about something is "that's not a big enough deal to be upset over" or if someone's crying the appropriate response is "that's not worth crying over"? I'm sorry you think that, and that you likely taught your kids that. That seems so harsh and probably pretty scary.

Everyone has the right to decide for themselves what to find upsetting, and if something is upsetting to someone than it iS a big deal to them and it is worth feeling how they feel FOR THEM. Everyone doesn't have to have the same threshold for emotional reactions to things. It really is ok for feelings to differ, to be messy, to sometimes be hurt and angry, to not always be 'put together' or 'a public face' or whatever.

Check out the validation thread, it's pretty powerful stuff to legitimize someone's feelings and teach them that they are valid and important even when they aren't being what society calls 'strong'.

The poster said the response was inappropriate. He/she did not say the feeling was inappropriate, and yes, good parents do help their children learn what responses are appropriate and inappropriate. You were so intent on trying to make a point that you didn't actually bother to read what was written.

I did read the response. Crying is hardly ever inappropriate, and certainly not at home with one's mother. Crying "over something" is never inappropriate, there just might be times or places where it's best to not.

How is being upset or crying ever just categorically an inappropriate response to anything? How is that possible?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure what to do. A boy ran up and hit her on the butt while his friends cheered him on. She said he's from her middle school, but doesn't know his name. I'd like to find out who he is and have a word with his parents and/or the principal.

Advice? These are 12 and 13 year olds, or send the police to do it.

I think this is normal middle school antics. I wouldn't get my daughter riled up about it at all. If I was worried I would talk to the school.

Do you have a son? Boys will be boys? Oh I know he raped her, but he was just being a BOY!

No. Buck stops here. I'd talk to the principal and the kid's parents. If the principal doesn't take it seriously talk about contacting the police because your kid was sexually assaulted.

Annnnd.... here we go again. Overreact much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"End game"? I would like the kid to be seriously punished. Suspended. Kicked off his sports team for some period of time (if applicable). Detention for a while. Things like that. Would depend on whether this was the first time he did something like this or not. I'd like someone with authority (principal maybe) to sit him down and tell him he can't do that and if he were an adult it is a crime called "assault" that could be prosecuted. And that if they ever hear of him treating another girl in a degrading manner, he will be punished even more severely.

Wow. I hope your precious little snowflake doesn't make a mistake at some point in her life. I'm not condoning the boys' behavior but IMO your reaction is so far over the top, I don't know where to begin.

Suspended from school and kicked off a sports team for touching a girls butt off school grounds. Unbelievable.

This. We are a society gone amok.

Its already happening in our colleges. Why won't it permeate down to our high schools and middle schools. The colleges are a testing ground and then it seeps into the real world.

Because the legal system has different standards for those who are not adults. Not everything should be seen from the perspective of a bitter 40 something DC office drone.

yeah..and the bitter 40 year old office drones are already writing rules to circumvent the legal system for colleges. So why won't they eventually do it for high schools. Even elementary schools. Its starting to happen in california anyway for high schools.

College students are adults, you idiot. They get to vote and everything...This craziness has got to stop. Guilty until proven innocent is the new system which is the antithesis of our legal system unless you are on a college campus or a women accuses a man of anything. As a women born in the 60s and who has seen feminism come full circle from empowerment to victimization, I am disgusted. As a mother of both boys and girls, I am terrified.

ABSOLUTELY agree. The stupidity and lack of common sense is astounding and frightening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"End game"? I would like the kid to be seriously punished. Suspended. Kicked off his sports team for some period of time (if applicable). Detention for a while. Things like that. Would depend on whether this was the first time he did something like this or not. I'd like someone with authority (principal maybe) to sit him down and tell him he can't do that and if he were an adult it is a crime called "assault" that could be prosecuted. And that if they ever hear of him treating another girl in a degrading manner, he will be punished even more severely.

Wow. I hope your precious little snowflake doesn't make a mistake at some point in her life. I'm not condoning the boys' behavior but IMO your reaction is so far over the top, I don't know where to begin.

Suspended from school and kicked off a sports team for touching a girls butt off school grounds. Unbelievable.

Somehow I managed to get through life without grabbing peoples butts. And if I did, I would have expected some serious punishment. Sorry your kids are so poorly behaved that you can't imagine consequences for such bad behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"End game"? I would like the kid to be seriously punished. Suspended. Kicked off his sports team for some period of time (if applicable). Detention for a while. Things like that. Would depend on whether this was the first time he did something like this or not. I'd like someone with authority (principal maybe) to sit him down and tell him he can't do that and if he were an adult it is a crime called "assault" that could be prosecuted. And that if they ever hear of him treating another girl in a degrading manner, he will be punished even more severely.

Wow. I hope your precious little snowflake doesn't make a mistake at some point in her life. I'm not condoning the boys' behavior but IMO your reaction is so far over the top, I don't know where to begin.

Suspended from school and kicked off a sports team for touching a girls butt off school grounds. Unbelievable.

Somehow I managed to get through life without grabbing peoples butts. And if I did, I would have expected some serious punishment. Sorry your kids are so poorly behaved that you can't imagine consequences for such bad behavior.

When I was that age, I remember swatting the butt of a boy I thought was cute. It was very daring for me (usually pretty shy) to do something like that. Was it appropriate? No, but it was middle school and I was a silly girl. Thank goodness the police didn't come after me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, don't be so sure that your daughter and her friends haven't been up to their own inappropriate behavior with this boy and his friends.

I found it very suspect that she had no idea who any of the boys were, yet they go to her school.

Your daughter might not be telling the entire truth here.

Her middle school has almost 1,000 students in two grades. You may find it suspect, but that's your problem.

She was crying when she called to tell me. She is very upset, even though she reacted immediately and appropriately. I discussed it with her, how she felt about it, etc. I didn't ask for advice on how to deal with her. I'm confident in the discussions we've had today and prior.

I'd like to find a way to let his parents know. Will the principal contact them if it was off of school property?

I don't understand why everyone needs to rewrite the story to suit their own needs. The assumptions and accusations about my child and I are nuts. It says a lot more about you than it does about us.

No one is rewriting history. You never gave that information. Trust me, what you have given says a hell of a lot about you.

Nice! Blame the victim. Literally.
I feel like "Missoula" should be required reading for all of these idiots who are blaming OP and her daughter.

Again, there are degrees of punishment. The OP was saying she wanted to go to the police. This is a learning opportunity for a 12 yr old boy, no harsher consequences. You're part of the problem by overreacting.

How am I overreacting? I think that people have generally UNDERREACTED to sexual assault against girls. The reverse hasn't traditionally been a problem, now has it? I wouldn't go to the police (unless it happened again, in which case I might). But I damn sure would go to the principal and expect real punishment.

In general i think people have OVERREACTED to sexual assault, where every little look or word is now sexual assault. Look at the Amherst story and the dubious sulkowicz story and Jackie Coakley. People like you are the problem. Instead of teaching young boys what appropriate behavior is, you want a heavy hand approach to lock them all up. I agree with punishment from the principle btw, but I disagree with overkill.

If you honestly believe that in general sexual assault has been overreacted to, then you have absolutely no credibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"End game"? I would like the kid to be seriously punished. Suspended. Kicked off his sports team for some period of time (if applicable). Detention for a while. Things like that. Would depend on whether this was the first time he did something like this or not. I'd like someone with authority (principal maybe) to sit him down and tell him he can't do that and if he were an adult it is a crime called "assault" that could be prosecuted. And that if they ever hear of him treating another girl in a degrading manner, he will be punished even more severely.

Wow. I hope your precious little snowflake doesn't make a mistake at some point in her life. I'm not condoning the boys' behavior but IMO your reaction is so far over the top, I don't know where to begin.

Suspended from school and kicked off a sports team for touching a girls butt off school grounds. Unbelievable.

This. We are a society gone amok.

Its already happening in our colleges. Why won't it permeate down to our high schools and middle schools. The colleges are a testing ground and then it seeps into the real world.

Because the legal system has different standards for those who are not adults. Not everything should be seen from the perspective of a bitter 40 something DC office drone.

yeah..and the bitter 40 year old office drones are already writing rules to circumvent the legal system for colleges. So why won't they eventually do it for high schools. Even elementary schools. Its starting to happen in california anyway for high schools.

College students are adults, you idiot. They get to vote and everything...This craziness has got to stop. Guilty until proven innocent is the new system which is the antithesis of our legal system unless you are on a college campus or a women accuses a man of anything. As a women born in the 60s and who has seen feminism come full circle from empowerment to victimization, I am disgusted. As a mother of both boys and girls, I am terrified.

You are completely wrong. It is still a system that favors rapists. Isolated cases to the contrary are the exception, not the rule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good parents do tell their children when their response is in appropriate to the situation. Crying in this situation is indeed an inappropriate response. You do need to teach your daughter how to be strong in the face of adversity.

No, good parents do not tell their kids their feelings are inappropriate. Feelings are always appropriate. Expressing those feelings in safe ways that do not harm others is almost always appropriate. Expressing any feeling in any non-harmful way at one's own home with one's own family is always appropriate.

Really, you honestly think the appropriate response to someone who is upset about something is "that's not a big enough deal to be upset over" or if someone's crying the appropriate response is "that's not worth crying over"? I'm sorry you think that, and that you likely taught your kids that. That seems so harsh and probably pretty scary.

Everyone has the right to decide for themselves what to find upsetting, and if something is upsetting to someone than it iS a big deal to them and it is worth feeling how they feel FOR THEM. Everyone doesn't have to have the same threshold for emotional reactions to things. It really is ok for feelings to differ, to be messy, to sometimes be hurt and angry, to not always be 'put together' or 'a public face' or whatever.

Check out the validation thread, it's pretty powerful stuff to legitimize someone's feelings and teach them that they are valid and important even when they aren't being what society calls 'strong'.

The poster said the response was inappropriate. He/she did not say the feeling was inappropriate, and yes, good parents do help their children learn what responses are appropriate and inappropriate. You were so intent on trying to make a point that you didn't actually bother to read what was written.

I did read the response. Crying is hardly ever inappropriate, and certainly not at home with one's mother. Crying "over something" is never inappropriate, there just might be times or places where it's best to not.

How is being upset or crying ever just categorically an inappropriate response to anything? How is that possible?

Because it has to be her fault. The boy should not be punished. And she has to minimize it and deny her own feelings because that means it's not a big deal and we don't have to punish him. Because boys will be boys and girls should just quit crying already.