I'm making a choice that could break my family apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow there are some ungrateful and downright ridiculous people in this thread.

A brother loans his brother money for medical expenses and he and his wife offer surrogacy and they are the assholes.

Typical DCUM.

They aren't assholes But yes they are too involved.

So just to be clear...a brother should turn down his brother when he asks for money and no one should ever offer surrogacy. Okay.

Not just money but thousands of dollars. Yes, thousands is over the top. Actually giving all of that money may have created even more stress and pressure for SIL to produce a baby. Like we've spent $20k in cash and have no baby to show.

Thpusands may be over the top for you but for many of us it is not. I have given my sister 10's of thousands over the years. I have it, she needed it--until now, it never crossed my mind, no strings attached. Why is generosity a bad thing with one people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SIL IS SETTING YOU UP, watch out OP. She knows that after her crazy list of demands and awful behavior you won't be a surrogate for her anymore. That's EXACTLY why she's telling your MIL/FIL and leaving a social media trail. Now she can be the victim all over again, when her "mean SIL" takes away her last hope at being a mother.

It's sick. Honestly I wouldn't trust your kids near this woman. She's nuts.

.

. Bingo! She gets to play the victim and make you (who she feels is favored and of whom she is jealous) look bad. There is no way this will end well. The least long term damage will be to walk away.

[Anonymous]

She set the terms. You can't promise to keep to them.

Asked and answered.

"SIL I reviewed your list of terms with DH and we can't love up to them. I understand your need for these things. Perhaps another surrogate would be a better fit. We can't live up to what you've outlined. So, it's better not to start a process when we know we can't meet the conditions. We love you enough to be truthful about our own limitations."

Gaah! If you can choke this out, you can successfully remove yourself from the situation and throw the blame back onto her. Who would or could possible expect what she's demanding? They have to live with you and watch for any signs of physical discomfort or joy? Huh?

Ever read The Handmaiden's Tale?

I hate the term "broken" when it relates to people, but the PP who said it was pretty on point. There's a something there that you can't fix and no baby could fill.

Offering a bit of financial assistance would be tremendously generous of you, but I don't think it will be met by gratitude by your SIL. She'll still view it as a calculated move to be a "savior" and provide the grandparents with another grandchild.

She is in great need of a mental health intervention. The raw ache and visceral frustrated of this tormented woman needs to be addressed no matter how the story ends.

Don't take it personally.

Your hands are tied on this one. You absolutely CANNOT be a surrogate for this couple. BIL will understand. The fallout will be tremendous. Know that you are not to blame in any way whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you all are too invested in their fertility situation. Loaning huge amounts of cash for IVF and offering surrogacy, I mean it just seems over the top to me.

I would do the same for my sister if I could. I would want to help in anyway possible. You have no right to judge.

In my experience you have to be careful with things like infertility. I had a co-worker go through IVF who was horrible the entire time to everyone in the office. It's a sensitive topic which is why Op needs to step back and be cautious about inserting herself (along with her DH) in the future.

So many generalizations. I did IVF and was completely normal to everyone in my office. But I'm amazed at the lack of compassion people have for a woman who lost a full term baby. Good lord. If be crazy for a while too if I went through what she's gone through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you all are too invested in their fertility situation. Loaning huge amounts of cash for IVF and offering surrogacy, I mean it just seems over the top to me.

I would do the same for my sister if I could. I would want to help in anyway possible. You have no right to judge.

In my experience you have to be careful with things like infertility. I had a co-worker go through IVF who was horrible the entire time to everyone in the office. It's a sensitive topic which is why Op needs to step back and be cautious about inserting herself (along with her DH) in the future.

So many generalizations. I did IVF and was completely normal to everyone in my office. But I'm amazed at the lack of compassion people have for a woman who lost a full term baby. Good lord. If be crazy for a while too if I went through what she's gone through.

She has a chance at having a healthy baby without going into insurmountable debt and she is shitting all over it. I'm amazed at people putting the blame on OP.

[Anonymous]

OP supposedly had "four children to spite her"?

Really? Can anybody -- even on DCUM -- believe such nonsense?

Guess what, everybody: OP is a total troll!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP supposedly had "four children to spite her"?

Really? Can anybody -- even on DCUM -- believe such nonsense?

Guess what, everybody: OP is a total troll!

Yes, I can believe and as evidenced in this thread that someone with deep seated grief from infertility would perceive a sister in law having four children would be out of spite. Other posters in this thread have noted they had a similar experience.

You aren't adding anything to the conversation and you are trying to derail it. You darling are the troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP supposedly had "four children to spite her"?

Really? Can anybody -- even on DCUM -- believe such nonsense?

Guess what, everybody: OP is a total troll!

Yes, I can believe and as evidenced in this thread that someone with deep seated grief from infertility would perceive a sister in law having four children would be out of spite. Other posters in this thread have noted they had a similar experience.

You aren't adding anything to the conversation and you are trying to derail it. You darling are the troll.

It's paranoid to perceive that a person would actually conceive a child out of spite for you. Anyone who believes such a thing needs therapy. I'm not a troll. I just think that the concept of having four children to spite a SIL is absurd on its face. Anyone that obsessed with ILs is really not mature enough to be a parent anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP supposedly had "four children to spite her"?

Really? Can anybody -- even on DCUM -- believe such nonsense?

Guess what, everybody: OP is a total troll!

Yes, I can believe and as evidenced in this thread that someone with deep seated grief from infertility would perceive a sister in law having four children would be out of spite. Other posters in this thread have noted they had a similar experience.

You aren't adding anything to the conversation and you are trying to derail it. You darling are the troll.

It's paranoid to perceive that a person would actually conceive a child out of spite for you. Anyone who believes such a thing needs therapy. I'm not a troll. I just think that the concept of having four children to spite a SIL is absurd on its face. Anyone that obsessed with ILs is really not mature enough to be a parent anyway.

Yes, it has been established that the SIL needs therapy and is not thinking or saying things clearly. Nor is she emotionally mature enough right now to be a parent. What part of that makes OP and I quote: "Guess what, everybody: OP is a total troll"

[Anonymous]

OP you should have never, ever offered this without speaking to her privately about it first. God, I would hate you for that. You've now driven a wedge in her marriage by inserting yourself. I have a child, but to offer this without talking to her privately, instead in front of the brothers sounds like you needed to be the hero in front of the men.

Maybe she has bitchy psycho demands but you should have asked privately first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound nice and that your heart is in the right place. But you also sound pretty naive about what can happen to a couple when they struggle with infertility as much as they have (all the heart ache not to mention the financial part) Anyways, I work with people who are going through infertility. I'd like to say a couple of things that I took away from what you've said

1. What your SIL is going through is something that you can never understand. A lot of women go through their lives expecting that they will have a biological child. Coming to terms with the fact that they won't is a grieving process. Add that into the stress that she's already experiencing with the loss each month of not being pregnant (as well as any actual miscarriages)

2. While it may seem irrational to you, it is completely common for infertile women to wonder if their husbands wish they had married someone else who could have babies. I'm willing to bet some of her hostility towards you stems from this. She has probably thought "well since OP can get pregnant so easily, I bet DH wishes he was the one who married her and not his brother. Then he'd have 4 great kids right now".

3. She may be happy that you're offering to be a surrogate. But that comes with another slap in the face of "Oh look at OP, look how easy it is for her to get pregnant. Now she can carry my baby. And I can't"

4. I'm not saying you come off as insensitive, but I think you're not really realizing what it must be like for her.

5. Regarding the demands. She likely wrote them when she was upset. But its also not uncommon for the moms to try to assert a lot of control over the surrogacy because that's their tie to the baby. There may be a baby shower but she won't be the one showing, etc. So controlling the pregnancy as if she was the one carrying the baby is pretty common. d

I agree with the PP's who have mentioned a group counselor would be very beneficial in this situation. Your SIL is grieving, angry, and hurt. You're hurt as well. You need a mediator to help you work these things out instead of just deciding she's unstable and in an unstable marriage and you are going to ruin your family.

+1

[Anonymous]

Hey there-- Sorry for jumping in here BUT this is Candace from Our Misconception.
I saw the post, and the link post: The amount of bitterness and jealousy this woman felt while her surrogate was carrying her child is amazing. I don't think this is entirely uncommon.

I thought, man maybe this person has not read the full blog. OR perhaps he or she has? Here is my two cents- You are right it is not entirely uncommon. After a cancer scare, a hysterectomy and sprinkle in far too may IVFs. I look at my daughter who was born through the gift of surrogacy and I thank God, I thank my surrogate and I honor my struggle. You see yeah, I'm bitter at that fact I couldn't carry my child. I'll never know what a kick from within feels like, or have my husband touch my belly or have that chance to have a second child with out clearing out my savings account. BUT....I have a child now because someone selflessly offered to carry for me. That I will never ever forget or dishonor. MY SURROGATE IS AMAZING.

So I am not saying your SIL is right or wrong. I am saying she has a right to mourn the fact she has a disease that has robbed her of being a mother. It happens to 1 in 8 couples and there is very little coverage both for treatment and for adoption. (IVF is 12-20k, adoption is 25-60k) so infertility sucks. Also, Surrogacy is illegal in many states. So that sucks too. She may not understand your shoes you walk in and the reverse maybe the same for her.

I say, when you see that woman who may decline a baby shower invite, she may have just lost her baby. Or if you have a relative that cant share your joy of a pregnancy announcement, she may have just cleared out her 401k for an IVF treatment or adoption that fell through or did not work. Everyone has a story. It is up to them and the folks around them to support that struggle and decide on how they will resolve their infertility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you should have never, ever offered this without speaking to her privately about it first. God, I would hate you for that. You've now driven a wedge in her marriage by inserting yourself. I have a child, but to offer this without talking to her privately, instead in front of the brothers sounds like you needed to be the hero in front of the men.

Maybe she has bitchy psycho demands but you should have asked privately first.

You are an asshole for thinking that.

[Anonymous]

I cannot believe OP and her husband were trying to do something selfless and kind and they are being made out as the bad guys who did the wrong thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should have never, ever offered this without speaking to her privately about it first. God, I would hate you for that. You've now driven a wedge in her marriage by inserting yourself. I have a child, but to offer this without talking to her privately, instead in front of the brothers sounds like you needed to be the hero in front of the men.

Maybe she has bitchy psycho demands but you should have asked privately first.

You are an asshole for thinking that.

Agree. Infertility effects both sil and bil and it was a decision that needed to be made by both.