Punctuality Disagreement

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Spouse A just destroyed their marriage because of a stupid dispute over a diner with a coworker.
Who cares of they showed up late. It’s only a diner.
Spouse A would be right if this was an important appointment where getting late would have had devastating consequences, like getting late to work or an interview and losing your job, etc..

This was just a f*ing diner. Getting late has no major consequences.
It’s important to be on time, but this diner wasn’t the time where they needed to act like this.

Really confused why this would destroy a marriage. You were late. He got annoyed. You traveled separately. It's not that big a deal.

Explain again why you can't be polite to his coworker?

No. I was late. You could have left and had it be no big deal, but you were angry, and any feeling you have must be experienced by everyone around you.
So, repeatedly threatened me, then finally left in anger. When I arrived, thinking it was over, you tried to further embarrass me in front of your friends. You couldn’t let it go and until I was just as angry as you are.

Tell me why this is the kind of household I should raise my children in?

Are you the OP? Because if you’re not you’re just making shit up. Such a tired trope. And even if you’re not OP, learn how to adult and honor your commitments to be somewhere at a previously agreed upon time. That’s what adults do. But I can see how a princess like you thinks the whole world revolves just around her.

I’m not the OP. I don’t think the OP posted again after the first post.
I’m just someone who is surprised that so many people think it’s okay to take your anger out like this over something so trivial.

You wouldn’t act like this to your kids or to a stranger. Why do it to your spouse?

I teach my kids to be on time.

Do you expect an airplane to wait 15-30 minutes for you too?

Of course not. I am on time, which means I arrive at the gate and do not have to sit down before boarding. 20-40 flights per year; haven’t missed a flight yet.

Great. So you are capable of bring on time. Now do that when you promise to meet friends at a restaurant. It’s rude and entitled to have them stand around waiting for you.

I take input on this issue from my friends themselves. They don’t agree with you. Thanks though!

It’s a fact that you are capable of being on time. If you aren’t missing flights, then you are capable of this. It’s a choice then to be late for friends’ events and gatherings, and a rude one.

Rudeness is always contextual, as we have already discussed. My context is my friends. Hope you have a peaceful day!

Friends don’t always tell their friends they are being rude. Don’t be naive.

Man, a lot of people here with some deep issues.
Most people don’t secretly judge their friends. And normal, healthy people don’t want to be friends with people who do.

Overlooking a friend’s rudeness isn’t judgment.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Spouse A should have done this years ago. Being late when you're meeting specific people is SO rude. Being late to a reservation is rude to the restaurant. Being 15 minutes late to a 50 person backyard party? No big deal.

But then you're not really "late" - it's just that it didn't have a hard start time. Those events are usually "12-5" or whatever, so showing up at 12:30 isn't late, it's within the window.

No, showing up at 12:30 is late. There is no such thing as "within the window". Would you say the same thing if someone shows up at 4pm? Isn't it still within the 12-5 window? It starts at 12 and you must be there at 12 otherwise you are late. period.

I'm the PP and I'm a Spouse A all the way, but a 50-person backyard party does not have a hard start time (it might have a hard stop time). I wouldn't be bothered if someone showed up at 4 pm but I would be annoyed if they then asked me to make them some food because it had all been eaten.

Maybe you don't socialize much, but we throw big parties all the time at our house, the beach, the pool, the park, and I couldn't care less when people show up because I'm not cooking a seated four-course meal. The food will be ready at 12. If you show up at 1, the hamburgers won't be fresh, or they will be because we'll still be grilling. If you show up at 3, there probably won't be any potato salad left, but that's on you.

But I bet that if all your guests are the Spouse B types who don’t care about punctuality, and all show up at 4pm, you’ll be mad.

You would have made everything ready by 12, and sat alone for hours waiting for the guests to arrive. Not fun.

Your parties go well because you have guests like Spouse A, who care about punctuality.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Suppose Spouse A is big on punctuality because they come from a military background and also feel that being on time means respecting other people's time. Spouse A also thinks that punctuality is a good habit to pass on to children. Spouse B is less punctual and feels that being 15-30 minutes late is not that big of a deal. Part of this is attributable to cultural/family background and part of it is a tendency to get distracted.

They have discussed the issue repeatedly and Spouse A frequently threatens to just leave Spouse B and go to events, but has never followed through with it until this weekend. They were supposed to meet another couple for dinner and were already running late. The other couple consists of Spouse A's work colleague and their spouse. They are work friends, but not best friends, and the couples have hung out socially together a few times. Spouse A told Spouse B that if they were not ready in 5 minutes, they could take an Uber to the restaurant. Spouse A actually followed through and left to the restaurant in frustration while Spouse B was still dithering.

Spouse B is furious with Spouse A and feels they were trying to embarrass them. Was Spouse A a too drastic?

I would be LIVID if you were 30 minutes late to a dinner with me and my husband without a seriously good excuse. Spouse B is a jerk.

Really? I would be irritated if I was cooking and I prepared things to be ready at a specific time, but it sounds like they were all meeting up at a restaurant. I would just have a drink with my husband.

It would be so much weirder to be brought into the middle of someone’s marital drama.

Ok, you do you. I think it's incredibly rude to show up 30 minutes late to a dinner reservation.

I will! I like hanging out with people who married someone they like to be with, and who don’t need me around to be a buffer with their spouse.

I can see how if you feel that you can’t spend 15 minutes alone with your spouse, it probably doesn’t really phase you if the other couple is in a fight or not speaking to each other.

For me, the late thing wouldn’t bother me, but I would find a fight incredibly awkward.

Who is fighting? OP never said there was a fight in front of their friends, you're just making stuff up.

I would never fight with my husband in front of people and we love spending time together just the two of us, but I also wouldn't have married him if he were an inconsiderate jerk who didn't think being on time was important, so we don't have that problem.

Well, he threatened to leave, then walked out in anger. Sounds like a fight to me.

That is 100 percent not a fight.

Okay. I feel uncomfortable out to dinner with a couple where one person is angry with the other. They don’t need to be shouting.

What does this have to do with OP’s post?

What do you mean? This is what the post is about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there has been a lot of projecting as to the definition of threat. Spouse A simply could have said, I’m sick of you being late, if you’re not ready I’m leaving without you. Op never mentioned angry, loud, aggressive threats. Just that Spouse A has said on multiple occasions they would just leave and in this case they did.

People are posting as if the OP described some knock down drag out fight then a scene in front of the friends at the restaurant but the OP did nothing of the sort.

I don’t think it means that.

Look, if my teenager is failing math, and I threaten to get him a tutor if he doesn’t improve his grades, then finally hire a tutor in frustration when he fails his next exam, that implies a certain kind of interaction.

If my teenager is failing math, and I offer to hire a tutor to help out if he keeps struggling, and then when he fails his next test, I find a tutor for him…that implies a different kind of interaction.

The initial scenario isn’t a knock down drag out screaming fight (although it could be). But whatever it is, it’s definitely laced with anger and hostility.

Most people wouldn’t do this to their kids. So why do it to your spouse?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think there has been a lot of projecting as to the definition of threat. Spouse A simply could have said, I’m sick of you being late, if you’re not ready I’m leaving without you. Op never mentioned angry, loud, aggressive threats. Just that Spouse A has said on multiple occasions they would just leave and in this case they did.

People are posting as if the OP described some knock down drag out fight then a scene in front of the friends at the restaurant but the OP did nothing of the sort.

I don’t think it means that.

Look, if my teenager is failing math, and I threaten to get him a tutor if he doesn’t improve his grades, then finally hire a tutor in frustration when he fails his next exam, that implies a certain kind of interaction.

If my teenager is failing math, and I offer to hire a tutor to help out if he keeps struggling, and then when he fails his next test, I find a tutor for him…that implies a different kind of interaction.

The initial scenario isn’t a knock down drag out screaming fight (although it could be). But whatever it is, it’s definitely laced with anger and hostility.

Most people wouldn’t do this to their kids. So why do it to your spouse?

Probably due to understandable frustration when one's spouse is consistently rude and expects one to be rude to one's friends as some sort of weird test of loyalty. I just don't think Spouse A is the villain here, I think they gave Spouse B plenty of warning and then lost their composure but only after a consistent pattern of rudeness.

Spouse B can avoid this whole situation by being on time. Give it a try, you might like it.

[Anonymous]

So this boils down to "I was rude and my spouse is the bad guy for being annoyed"?

The analogies to children only serve to illustrate the childishness of Spouse B's behavior. We treat children differently than we treat adults. We are more supportive to them, more tolerant of their mistakes, and more comfortable in a teaching role. If you need your spouse to treat you like a child because you can't be on time, what does that say about your marriage? Nothing healthy. Would an OK To Wake clock help you?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think there has been a lot of projecting as to the definition of threat. Spouse A simply could have said, I’m sick of you being late, if you’re not ready I’m leaving without you. Op never mentioned angry, loud, aggressive threats. Just that Spouse A has said on multiple occasions they would just leave and in this case they did.

People are posting as if the OP described some knock down drag out fight then a scene in front of the friends at the restaurant but the OP did nothing of the sort.

I don’t think it means that.

Look, if my teenager is failing math, and I threaten to get him a tutor if he doesn’t improve his grades, then finally hire a tutor in frustration when he fails his next exam, that implies a certain kind of interaction.

If my teenager is failing math, and I offer to hire a tutor to help out if he keeps struggling, and then when he fails his next test, I find a tutor for him…that implies a different kind of interaction.

The initial scenario isn’t a knock down drag out screaming fight (although it could be). But whatever it is, it’s definitely laced with anger and hostility.

Most people wouldn’t do this to their kids. So why do it to your spouse?

Probably due to understandable frustration when one's spouse is consistently rude and expects one to be rude to one's friends as some sort of weird test of loyalty. I just don't think Spouse A is the villain here, I think they gave Spouse B plenty of warning and then lost their composure but only after a consistent pattern of rudeness.

Spouse B can avoid this whole situation by being on time. Give it a try, you might like it.

Wait, so if you tell your teenager that they are failing math because they are consistently lazy and useless, and then you hire them a tutor, you see the hiring a tutor as the point where you lost composure?

Like, you think all of the times that spouse A told spouse B that she is consistently rude, a narcissist, a spoiled princess, and all of the other things that have been said in this thread is fine? The part where he lost composure is when he drove there himself?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Suppose Spouse A is big on punctuality because they come from a military background and also feel that being on time means respecting other people's time. Spouse A also thinks that punctuality is a good habit to pass on to children. Spouse B is less punctual and feels that being 15-30 minutes late is not that big of a deal. Part of this is attributable to cultural/family background and part of it is a tendency to get distracted.

They have discussed the issue repeatedly and Spouse A frequently threatens to just leave Spouse B and go to events, but has never followed through with it until this weekend. They were supposed to meet another couple for dinner and were already running late. The other couple consists of Spouse A's work colleague and their spouse. They are work friends, but not best friends, and the couples have hung out socially together a few times. Spouse A told Spouse B that if they were not ready in 5 minutes, they could take an Uber to the restaurant. Spouse A actually followed through and left to the restaurant in frustration while Spouse B was still dithering.

Spouse B is furious with Spouse A and feels they were trying to embarrass them. Was Spouse A a too drastic?

I would be LIVID if you were 30 minutes late to a dinner with me and my husband without a seriously good excuse. Spouse B is a jerk.

Really? I would be irritated if I was cooking and I prepared things to be ready at a specific time, but it sounds like they were all meeting up at a restaurant. I would just have a drink with my husband.

It would be so much weirder to be brought into the middle of someone’s marital drama.

Ok, you do you. I think it's incredibly rude to show up 30 minutes late to a dinner reservation.

I will! I like hanging out with people who married someone they like to be with, and who don’t need me around to be a buffer with their spouse.

I can see how if you feel that you can’t spend 15 minutes alone with your spouse, it probably doesn’t really phase you if the other couple is in a fight or not speaking to each other.

For me, the late thing wouldn’t bother me, but I would find a fight incredibly awkward.

Who is fighting? OP never said there was a fight in front of their friends, you're just making stuff up.

I would never fight with my husband in front of people and we love spending time together just the two of us, but I also wouldn't have married him if he were an inconsiderate jerk who didn't think being on time was important, so we don't have that problem.

Well, he threatened to leave, then walked out in anger. Sounds like a fight to me.

I’m not sure how you can love spending time with just your spouse, but think someone is an inconsiderate jerk that kicks puppies if they leave you alone with your spouse for 15 minutes.

I think people are doing a lot of projecting saying that other people are constantly this judgmental. It’s got to be hard to go through life believing that everyone around you is scrutinizing your behavior like this.

Most people really aren’t this judgmental, and they aren’t spending their date night with their spouse talking about what an inconsiderate jerk the other couple is or how they dressed or spoke inappropriately or whatever. They really aren’t thinking about you that much.

Again, so weird how you have to tie yourself in knots to try to make your point.

Here is the OP:

Spouse A told Spouse B that if they were not ready in 5 minutes, they could take an Uber to the restaurant. Spouse A actually followed through and left to the restaurant in frustration while Spouse B was still dithering.

Leaving in frustration isn't the same thing as walking out in anger, but ok. Spouse A also didn't "threaten" in this case, by the way - it doesn't say that.

Also, the fact that you can't see that the issue isn't spending extra time with my spouse, but having to wait on you, shows how selfish and inconsiderate you are.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Suppose Spouse A is big on punctuality because they come from a military background and also feel that being on time means respecting other people's time. Spouse A also thinks that punctuality is a good habit to pass on to children. Spouse B is less punctual and feels that being 15-30 minutes late is not that big of a deal. Part of this is attributable to cultural/family background and part of it is a tendency to get distracted.

They have discussed the issue repeatedly and Spouse A frequently threatens to just leave Spouse B and go to events, but has never followed through with it until this weekend. They were supposed to meet another couple for dinner and were already running late. The other couple consists of Spouse A's work colleague and their spouse. They are work friends, but not best friends, and the couples have hung out socially together a few times. Spouse A told Spouse B that if they were not ready in 5 minutes, they could take an Uber to the restaurant. Spouse A actually followed through and left to the restaurant in frustration while Spouse B was still dithering.

Spouse B is furious with Spouse A and feels they were trying to embarrass them. Was Spouse A a too drastic?

I would be LIVID if you were 30 minutes late to a dinner with me and my husband without a seriously good excuse. Spouse B is a jerk.

Really? I would be irritated if I was cooking and I prepared things to be ready at a specific time, but it sounds like they were all meeting up at a restaurant. I would just have a drink with my husband.

It would be so much weirder to be brought into the middle of someone’s marital drama.

Ok, you do you. I think it's incredibly rude to show up 30 minutes late to a dinner reservation.

I will! I like hanging out with people who married someone they like to be with, and who don’t need me around to be a buffer with their spouse.

I can see how if you feel that you can’t spend 15 minutes alone with your spouse, it probably doesn’t really phase you if the other couple is in a fight or not speaking to each other.

For me, the late thing wouldn’t bother me, but I would find a fight incredibly awkward.

But why do you assume a fight? It’s really fascinating to me - my husband and I once arrived to a New Year party separately, and there was quite a bit of back and forth between me and the hosts. Yes, he is coming later, no, we are OK, really. Something came up, he left work much later than he thought he would and I didn’t feel like sitting there twiddling my thumbs fully dressed while I could be partying.

The situation is completely neutral. I’m assuming that it’s a fight because of the language in the OP.
Spouse A threatened to leave early, then pulled the trigger and left early in frustration. Then tried to embarrass spouse B.

Making a PB&J is neutral, right? But If I told you I threatened to make my toddler a PB&J if he didn’t eat his dinner, then I finally pulled the trigger and made a PB&J in frustration and then tried to embarrass him, then I am giving a neutral action a specific meaning.

It never said that spouse A tried to embarrass spouse B. It says spouse B FEELS like she feels he was trying to embarrass her by leaving without her. Different things.

Well, as I said earlier, if I threatened my child repeatedly with a peanut butter sandwich, and then I finally pulled the trigger and made one in anger and made them eat it, and then they FELT embarrassed eating it, then that’s at least partly on me, right?

There is nothing inherently embarrassing about eating a peanut butter sandwich. But if you make fixing a peanut butter sandwich this huge thing that you only finally do in a moment of anger and frustration, then eating it is going to feel pretty awful.

This is why Spouse A was wrong. There was no need to make spouse B feel awful.

What is it going to take to get Spouse B show basic consideration to Spouse A? Is Spouse A a prisoner of Spouse B's need for mutual lateness and chaperoning?

No. Spouse A is free to go ahead and be on time. He can even frame it as a kind thing that he’s doing (take your time and take an Uber. I’ll meet you there!).
I’m sure that spouse B will be more likely to show consideration later if Spouse A is nice to her.

So pretend not to find it rude and annoying when really it is?

What about all the drama of "you abandoned me, you chose them over me"?

I posted earlier that my husband is a surgeon and often late. I don’t find it rude and annoying, although I could choose to look at it that way.
Spouse A doesn’t have to find this rude and annoying either. That’s a choice.

I didn’t see anywhere that Spouse B had a bunch of drama about being abandoned. Only that they were upset that Spouse A got angry and tried to embarrass them.

Thank goodness you're not the surgeon.

There is a difference between being late because of something outside of your control and being late because you can't be bothered to get somewhere on time.

And Spouse A didn't get angry or try to embarrass Spouse B.

The difference is literally only in your mind. The behavior in visible reality is the same.

And Spouse A literally said he threatened to leave, then left in anger.

Nope, this is what OP said:

Spouse A told Spouse B that if they were not ready in 5 minutes, they could take an Uber to the restaurant. Spouse A actually followed through and left to the restaurant in frustration while Spouse B was still dithering.

Keep making up facts.

Also, someone telling me that they were 30 minutes late to dinner because they lost track of time versus someone saying they were late because a surgery ran long are two totally different things, but you keep making up whatever you need to to justify your behavior. Most people here think you're a jerk.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Suppose Spouse A is big on punctuality because they come from a military background and also feel that being on time means respecting other people's time. Spouse A also thinks that punctuality is a good habit to pass on to children. Spouse B is less punctual and feels that being 15-30 minutes late is not that big of a deal. Part of this is attributable to cultural/family background and part of it is a tendency to get distracted.

They have discussed the issue repeatedly and Spouse A frequently threatens to just leave Spouse B and go to events, but has never followed through with it until this weekend. They were supposed to meet another couple for dinner and were already running late. The other couple consists of Spouse A's work colleague and their spouse. They are work friends, but not best friends, and the couples have hung out socially together a few times. Spouse A told Spouse B that if they were not ready in 5 minutes, they could take an Uber to the restaurant. Spouse A actually followed through and left to the restaurant in frustration while Spouse B was still dithering.

Spouse B is furious with Spouse A and feels they were trying to embarrass them. Was Spouse A a too drastic?

I would be LIVID if you were 30 minutes late to a dinner with me and my husband without a seriously good excuse. Spouse B is a jerk.

Really? I would be irritated if I was cooking and I prepared things to be ready at a specific time, but it sounds like they were all meeting up at a restaurant. I would just have a drink with my husband.

It would be so much weirder to be brought into the middle of someone’s marital drama.

Ok, you do you. I think it's incredibly rude to show up 30 minutes late to a dinner reservation.

I will! I like hanging out with people who married someone they like to be with, and who don’t need me around to be a buffer with their spouse.

I can see how if you feel that you can’t spend 15 minutes alone with your spouse, it probably doesn’t really phase you if the other couple is in a fight or not speaking to each other.

For me, the late thing wouldn’t bother me, but I would find a fight incredibly awkward.

But why do you assume a fight? It’s really fascinating to me - my husband and I once arrived to a New Year party separately, and there was quite a bit of back and forth between me and the hosts. Yes, he is coming later, no, we are OK, really. Something came up, he left work much later than he thought he would and I didn’t feel like sitting there twiddling my thumbs fully dressed while I could be partying.

The situation is completely neutral. I’m assuming that it’s a fight because of the language in the OP.
Spouse A threatened to leave early, then pulled the trigger and left early in frustration. Then tried to embarrass spouse B.

Making a PB&J is neutral, right? But If I told you I threatened to make my toddler a PB&J if he didn’t eat his dinner, then I finally pulled the trigger and made a PB&J in frustration and then tried to embarrass him, then I am giving a neutral action a specific meaning.

It never said that spouse A tried to embarrass spouse B. It says spouse B FEELS like she feels he was trying to embarrass her by leaving without her. Different things.

Well, as I said earlier, if I threatened my child repeatedly with a peanut butter sandwich, and then I finally pulled the trigger and made one in anger and made them eat it, and then they FELT embarrassed eating it, then that’s at least partly on me, right?

There is nothing inherently embarrassing about eating a peanut butter sandwich. But if you make fixing a peanut butter sandwich this huge thing that you only finally do in a moment of anger and frustration, then eating it is going to feel pretty awful.

This is why Spouse A was wrong. There was no need to make spouse B feel awful.

Oh man, the stories you have to tell yourself to justify your behavior are ridiculous.

My behavior of not making everyone around me miserable?
It’s not that hard to justify.

So, you don't think Spouse A was miserable here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I think there has been a lot of projecting as to the definition of threat. Spouse A simply could have said, I’m sick of you being late, if you’re not ready I’m leaving without you. Op never mentioned angry, loud, aggressive threats. Just that Spouse A has said on multiple occasions they would just leave and in this case they did.

People are posting as if the OP described some knock down drag out fight then a scene in front of the friends at the restaurant but the OP did nothing of the sort.

I don’t think it means that.

Look, if my teenager is failing math, and I threaten to get him a tutor if he doesn’t improve his grades, then finally hire a tutor in frustration when he fails his next exam, that implies a certain kind of interaction.

If my teenager is failing math, and I offer to hire a tutor to help out if he keeps struggling, and then when he fails his next test, I find a tutor for him…that implies a different kind of interaction.

The initial scenario isn’t a knock down drag out screaming fight (although it could be). But whatever it is, it’s definitely laced with anger and hostility.

Most people wouldn’t do this to their kids. So why do it to your spouse?

Probably due to understandable frustration when one's spouse is consistently rude and expects one to be rude to one's friends as some sort of weird test of loyalty. I just don't think Spouse A is the villain here, I think they gave Spouse B plenty of warning and then lost their composure but only after a consistent pattern of rudeness.

Spouse B can avoid this whole situation by being on time. Give it a try, you might like it.

Wait, so if you tell your teenager that they are failing math because they are consistently lazy and useless, and then you hire them a tutor, you see the hiring a tutor as the point where you lost composure?

Like, you think all of the times that spouse A told spouse B that she is consistently rude, a narcissist, a spoiled princess, and all of the other things that have been said in this thread is fine? The part where he lost composure is when he drove there himself?

Well, that's not in the original post and I don't know if you're the OP or just some other person making up facts you like better. I wouldn't have said stuff like "spoiled princess" but I don't think it's wrong to say lateness is rude. And I do think being late and expecting a ride anyway is quite a princessy way to behave. Choices have consequences and you need to accept it.

But I would not date a chronically late person, let alone marry one. It's rude and annoying. If you really really need your spouse to tolerate your lateness happily and be late because you are late, maybe you should have married someone else.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Spouse A just destroyed their marriage because of a stupid dispute over a diner with a coworker.
Who cares of they showed up late. It’s only a diner.
Spouse A would be right if this was an important appointment where getting late would have had devastating consequences, like getting late to work or an interview and losing your job, etc..

This was just a f*ing diner. Getting late has no major consequences.
It’s important to be on time, but this diner wasn’t the time where they needed to act like this.

Really confused why this would destroy a marriage. You were late. He got annoyed. You traveled separately. It's not that big a deal.

Explain again why you can't be polite to his coworker?

No. I was late. You could have left and had it be no big deal, but you were angry, and any feeling you have must be experienced by everyone around you.
So, repeatedly threatened me, then finally left in anger. When I arrived, thinking it was over, you tried to further embarrass me in front of your friends. You couldn’t let it go and until I was just as angry as you are.

Tell me why this is the kind of household I should raise my children in?

Are you the OP? Because if you’re not you’re just making shit up. Such a tired trope. And even if you’re not OP, learn how to adult and honor your commitments to be somewhere at a previously agreed upon time. That’s what adults do. But I can see how a princess like you thinks the whole world revolves just around her.

I’m not the OP. I don’t think the OP posted again after the first post.
I’m just someone who is surprised that so many people think it’s okay to take your anger out like this over something so trivial.

You wouldn’t act like this to your kids or to a stranger. Why do it to your spouse?

I teach my kids to be on time.

Do you expect an airplane to wait 15-30 minutes for you too?

Of course not. I am on time, which means I arrive at the gate and do not have to sit down before boarding. 20-40 flights per year; haven’t missed a flight yet.

Great. So you are capable of bring on time. Now do that when you promise to meet friends at a restaurant. It’s rude and entitled to have them stand around waiting for you.

I take input on this issue from my friends themselves. They don’t agree with you. Thanks though!

Ha, keep telling yourself that. I'm never going to berate a friend who is late but I am definitely going to be annoyed with them.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Spouse A just destroyed their marriage because of a stupid dispute over a diner with a coworker.
Who cares of they showed up late. It’s only a diner.
Spouse A would be right if this was an important appointment where getting late would have had devastating consequences, like getting late to work or an interview and losing your job, etc..

This was just a f*ing diner. Getting late has no major consequences.
It’s important to be on time, but this diner wasn’t the time where they needed to act like this.

Really confused why this would destroy a marriage. You were late. He got annoyed. You traveled separately. It's not that big a deal.

Explain again why you can't be polite to his coworker?

No. I was late. You could have left and had it be no big deal, but you were angry, and any feeling you have must be experienced by everyone around you.
So, repeatedly threatened me, then finally left in anger. When I arrived, thinking it was over, you tried to further embarrass me in front of your friends. You couldn’t let it go and until I was just as angry as you are.

Tell me why this is the kind of household I should raise my children in?

Are you the OP? Because if you’re not you’re just making shit up. Such a tired trope. And even if you’re not OP, learn how to adult and honor your commitments to be somewhere at a previously agreed upon time. That’s what adults do. But I can see how a princess like you thinks the whole world revolves just around her.

I’m not the OP. I don’t think the OP posted again after the first post.
I’m just someone who is surprised that so many people think it’s okay to take your anger out like this over something so trivial.

You wouldn’t act like this to your kids or to a stranger. Why do it to your spouse?

I teach my kids to be on time.

Do you expect an airplane to wait 15-30 minutes for you too?

Of course not. I am on time, which means I arrive at the gate and do not have to sit down before boarding. 20-40 flights per year; haven’t missed a flight yet.

Great. So you are capable of bring on time. Now do that when you promise to meet friends at a restaurant. It’s rude and entitled to have them stand around waiting for you.

I take input on this issue from my friends themselves. They don’t agree with you. Thanks though!

Ha, keep telling yourself that. I'm never going to berate a friend who is late but I am definitely going to be annoyed with them.

This. You can't just believe what people say. I would be polite to their face but annoyed on the inside. And it would affect what plans I'm willing to make with them. I would never say it aloud to them, though.

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Anonymous wrote:Spouse A just destroyed their marriage because of a stupid dispute over a diner with a coworker.
Who cares of they showed up late. It’s only a diner.
Spouse A would be right if this was an important appointment where getting late would have had devastating consequences, like getting late to work or an interview and losing your job, etc..

This was just a f*ing diner. Getting late has no major consequences.
It’s important to be on time, but this diner wasn’t the time where they needed to act like this.

Really confused why this would destroy a marriage. You were late. He got annoyed. You traveled separately. It's not that big a deal.

Explain again why you can't be polite to his coworker?

No. I was late. You could have left and had it be no big deal, but you were angry, and any feeling you have must be experienced by everyone around you.
So, repeatedly threatened me, then finally left in anger. When I arrived, thinking it was over, you tried to further embarrass me in front of your friends. You couldn’t let it go and until I was just as angry as you are.

Tell me why this is the kind of household I should raise my children in?

Are you the OP? Because if you’re not you’re just making shit up. Such a tired trope. And even if you’re not OP, learn how to adult and honor your commitments to be somewhere at a previously agreed upon time. That’s what adults do. But I can see how a princess like you thinks the whole world revolves just around her.

I’m not the OP. I don’t think the OP posted again after the first post.
I’m just someone who is surprised that so many people think it’s okay to take your anger out like this over something so trivial.

You wouldn’t act like this to your kids or to a stranger. Why do it to your spouse?

I teach my kids to be on time.

Do you expect an airplane to wait 15-30 minutes for you too?

Of course not. I am on time, which means I arrive at the gate and do not have to sit down before boarding. 20-40 flights per year; haven’t missed a flight yet.

Great. So you are capable of bring on time. Now do that when you promise to meet friends at a restaurant. It’s rude and entitled to have them stand around waiting for you.

I take input on this issue from my friends themselves. They don’t agree with you. Thanks though!

It’s a fact that you are capable of being on time. If you aren’t missing flights, then you are capable of this. It’s a choice then to be late for friends’ events and gatherings, and a rude one.

Rudeness is always contextual, as we have already discussed. My context is my friends. Hope you have a peaceful day!

Friends don’t always tell their friends they are being rude. Don’t be naive.

Man, a lot of people here with some deep issues.
Most people don’t secretly judge their friends. And normal, healthy people don’t want to be friends with people who do.

Being annoyed that someone is late isn't the same thing as judging someone.

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Anonymous wrote:Suppose Spouse A is big on punctuality because they come from a military background and also feel that being on time means respecting other people's time. Spouse A also thinks that punctuality is a good habit to pass on to children. Spouse B is less punctual and feels that being 15-30 minutes late is not that big of a deal. Part of this is attributable to cultural/family background and part of it is a tendency to get distracted.

They have discussed the issue repeatedly and Spouse A frequently threatens to just leave Spouse B and go to events, but has never followed through with it until this weekend. They were supposed to meet another couple for dinner and were already running late. The other couple consists of Spouse A's work colleague and their spouse. They are work friends, but not best friends, and the couples have hung out socially together a few times. Spouse A told Spouse B that if they were not ready in 5 minutes, they could take an Uber to the restaurant. Spouse A actually followed through and left to the restaurant in frustration while Spouse B was still dithering.

Spouse B is furious with Spouse A and feels they were trying to embarrass them. Was Spouse A a too drastic?

I would be LIVID if you were 30 minutes late to a dinner with me and my husband without a seriously good excuse. Spouse B is a jerk.

Really? I would be irritated if I was cooking and I prepared things to be ready at a specific time, but it sounds like they were all meeting up at a restaurant. I would just have a drink with my husband.

It would be so much weirder to be brought into the middle of someone’s marital drama.

Ok, you do you. I think it's incredibly rude to show up 30 minutes late to a dinner reservation.

I will! I like hanging out with people who married someone they like to be with, and who don’t need me around to be a buffer with their spouse.

I can see how if you feel that you can’t spend 15 minutes alone with your spouse, it probably doesn’t really phase you if the other couple is in a fight or not speaking to each other.

For me, the late thing wouldn’t bother me, but I would find a fight incredibly awkward.

But why do you assume a fight? It’s really fascinating to me - my husband and I once arrived to a New Year party separately, and there was quite a bit of back and forth between me and the hosts. Yes, he is coming later, no, we are OK, really. Something came up, he left work much later than he thought he would and I didn’t feel like sitting there twiddling my thumbs fully dressed while I could be partying.

The situation is completely neutral. I’m assuming that it’s a fight because of the language in the OP.
Spouse A threatened to leave early, then pulled the trigger and left early in frustration. Then tried to [b]embarrass spouse B. [/b]

Making a PB&J is neutral, right? But If I told you I threatened to make my toddler a PB&J if he didn’t eat his dinner, then I finally pulled the trigger and made a PB&J in frustration and then tried to embarrass him, then I am giving a neutral action a specific meaning.

The OP said "Spouse B is furious with Spouse A and feels they were trying to embarrass them." There is no proof that Spouse A did anything other than leaving on time to "embarrass" Spouse B. And Spouse B deserves to feel embarrassed for being so rude.

So, unless Spouse A specifically admits to trying to embarrass Spouse B, it didn’t happen?

No but you have to offer something to back up the assertion. What did Spouse A do to embarrass Spouse B? Just showing up on time alone is not enough.

It seems like Spouse B is embarrassed about their own conduct and mad that Spouse A is declining to join in their rudeness.

What? Where did you get that? This is Spouse B’s typical conduct, and it sounds like they are fine. Why would they be suddenly spontaneously embarrassed about it?

Spouse A is the one who is embarrassed about Spouse B’s conduct. It makes sense that he wants Spouse B to feel embarrassed because he feels embarrassed.

A lot of people in this thread are trying to do the same thing. They are saying that Spouse B is a spoiled princess, a narcissist, incredibly rude, etc. They are trying to make Spouse B feel embarrassed.
Doesn’t it make sense that this is what Spouse A is doing when Spouse B says that he was trying to make her feel embarrassed?

Because for the first time Spouse A actually left them.