Punctuality Disagreement

[Anonymous]

Suppose Spouse A is big on punctuality because they come from a military background and also feel that being on time means respecting other people's time. Spouse A also thinks that punctuality is a good habit to pass on to children. Spouse B is less punctual and feels that being 15-30 minutes late is not that big of a deal. Part of this is attributable to cultural/family background and part of it is a tendency to get distracted.

They have discussed the issue repeatedly and Spouse A frequently threatens to just leave Spouse B and go to events, but has never followed through with it until this weekend. They were supposed to meet another couple for dinner and were already running late. The other couple consists of Spouse A's work colleague and their spouse. They are work friends, but not best friends, and the couples have hung out socially together a few times. Spouse A told Spouse B that if they were not ready in 5 minutes, they could take an Uber to the restaurant. Spouse A actually followed through and left to the restaurant in frustration while Spouse B was still dithering.

Spouse B is furious with Spouse A and feels they were trying to embarrass them. Was Spouse A a too drastic?

[Anonymous]

No

[Anonymous]

No. Punctuality is critically important.

[Anonymous]

Spouse B can either learn to be on time or continue getting left behind.

[Anonymous]

I think leaving to take an Uber is a little extreme, but I couldn't be happy married to someone who was consistently making me late for things. After enough time that might lead me to do some crazy things.

[Anonymous]

Punctuality is very important.

That said, if it was the case that Spouse A Gets themselves ready only without considering Spouse B is getting kids ready, prepping for a babysitter, and then getting themselves ready without any help from spouse A, then Spouse A needs to see that they’re part of the problem with regards ton spouse B getting ready on time. Bonus is Spouse A manages to prepare and groom
Themselves in such a time and manner that Spouse B Cannot get a shower, etc.

Also, is Spouse A’s idea of on time always 15 min early and they don’t communicate that?

Being late because you think it’s okay is extremely rude. But sometimes the punctual” spouse has anxiety or control Issues over the timing that impede the other spouse from being on time, unless they get ready a day before.

[Anonymous]

Long ago, I was spouse B in this situation. In this particular situation, I think Spouse A was okay. Spouse B is focusing on her embarrassment, not the embarrassment of Spouse A for being late in meeting a work colleague, and that’s wrong.

However, sometimes Spouse B will be right when it comes to timing for things related to her friends and family.

[Anonymous]

Time and punctuality is very culturally driven. There are places where it is rude to be on time... and many places where punctuality is not at all a culturally held value, time isn't seen the same way at all.

I am definitely more a Spouse B but I would never have married a Spouse A type person so we wouldn't have this issue.

[Anonymous]

No.
Being on time is important.

[Anonymous]

I have a kid who is like spouse A. Since this in issue that is so important to the kid, everyone in the family has adjusted to accomodate leaving the house at a time that works for that kid.

[Anonymous]

Team Spouse A.
It is very rude and disrespectful to be habitually 15-30 min late. Do better.

[Anonymous]

Spouse A was right. Because it is Spouse A's friend, Spouse A gets to decide whether punctuality matters in this situation.

Also the context matters. Showing up 30 minutes late to a group playground playdate is fine. Leaving someone to wait outside a restaurant for more than a few minutes is VERY rude. Especially since this is a work relationship. Spouse B needs to consider the consequences for others of their tardiness.

Spouse B needs to improve adulting skills and not get distracted. If Spouse B would try harder to be on time, there would be nothing for them to be embarrassed about. Spouse A would have been embarrassed to be late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. Punctuality is critically important.

Agree.

What’s the actual problem with being ON TIME? Like 5-10 mins early max. Not super early, and definitely not late.

Is someone suffering from chronic executive functioning disorders?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spouse A was right. Because it is Spouse A's friend, Spouse A gets to decide whether punctuality matters in this situation.

Also the context matters. Showing up 30 minutes late to a group playground playdate is fine. Leaving someone to wait outside a restaurant for more than a few minutes is VERY rude. Especially since this is a work relationship. Spouse B needs to consider the consequences for others of their tardiness.

Spouse B needs to improve adulting skills and not get distracted. If Spouse B would try harder to be on time, there would be nothing for them to be embarrassed about. Spouse A would have been embarrassed to be late.

This

[Anonymous]

Spouse A was not too drastic. Sounds like Spouse A has been fed up for a while and this was necessary to get Spouse B to take it seriously.

If Spouse B found this embarrassing, Spouse B should consider why it is embarrassing. Is Spouse B embarrassed because Spouse B knows it is rude to be late? Why would Spouse B feel embarrassed, if being late is perfectly fine?

I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with arriving at different times unless the restaurant refuses to seat a partial group. Perhaps this couple should just make their peace with separate arrivals and then they wouldn't fight so much.