Punctuality Disagreement

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Suppose Spouse A is big on punctuality because they come from a military background and also feel that being on time means respecting other people's time. Spouse A also thinks that punctuality is a good habit to pass on to children. Spouse B is less punctual and feels that being 15-30 minutes late is not that big of a deal. Part of this is attributable to cultural/family background and part of it is a tendency to get distracted.

They have discussed the issue repeatedly and Spouse A frequently threatens to just leave Spouse B and go to events, but has never followed through with it until this weekend. They were supposed to meet another couple for dinner and were already running late. The other couple consists of Spouse A's work colleague and their spouse. They are work friends, but not best friends, and the couples have hung out socially together a few times. Spouse A told Spouse B that if they were not ready in 5 minutes, they could take an Uber to the restaurant. Spouse A actually followed through and left to the restaurant in frustration while Spouse B was still dithering.

Spouse B is furious with Spouse A and feels they were trying to embarrass them. Was Spouse A a too drastic?

I would be LIVID if you were 30 minutes late to a dinner with me and my husband without a seriously good excuse. Spouse B is a jerk.

Really? I would be irritated if I was cooking and I prepared things to be ready at a specific time, but it sounds like they were all meeting up at a restaurant. I would just have a drink with my husband.

It would be so much weirder to be brought into the middle of someone’s marital drama.

Ok, you do you. I think it's incredibly rude to show up 30 minutes late to a dinner reservation.

I will! I like hanging out with people who married someone they like to be with, and who don’t need me around to be a buffer with their spouse.

I can see how if you feel that you can’t spend 15 minutes alone with your spouse, it probably doesn’t really phase you if the other couple is in a fight or not speaking to each other.

For me, the late thing wouldn’t bother me, but I would find a fight incredibly awkward.

Who is fighting? OP never said there was a fight in front of their friends, you're just making stuff up.

I would never fight with my husband in front of people and we love spending time together just the two of us, but I also wouldn't have married him if he were an inconsiderate jerk who didn't think being on time was important, so we don't have that problem.

Well, he threatened to leave, then walked out in anger. Sounds like a fight to me.

That is 100 percent not a fight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suppose Spouse A is big on punctuality because they come from a military background and also feel that being on time means respecting other people's time. Spouse A also thinks that punctuality is a good habit to pass on to children. Spouse B is less punctual and feels that being 15-30 minutes late is not that big of a deal. Part of this is attributable to cultural/family background and part of it is a tendency to get distracted.

They have discussed the issue repeatedly and Spouse A frequently threatens to just leave Spouse B and go to events, but has never followed through with it until this weekend. They were supposed to meet another couple for dinner and were already running late. The other couple consists of Spouse A's work colleague and their spouse. They are work friends, but not best friends, and the couples have hung out socially together a few times. Spouse A told Spouse B that if they were not ready in 5 minutes, they could take an Uber to the restaurant. Spouse A actually followed through and left to the restaurant in frustration while Spouse B was still dithering.

Spouse B is furious with Spouse A and feels they were trying to embarrass them. Was Spouse A a too drastic?

I would be LIVID if you were 30 minutes late to a dinner with me and my husband without a seriously good excuse. Spouse B is a jerk.

Really? I would be irritated if I was cooking and I prepared things to be ready at a specific time, but it sounds like they were all meeting up at a restaurant. I would just have a drink with my husband.

It would be so much weirder to be brought into the middle of someone’s marital drama.

Ok, you do you. I think it's incredibly rude to show up 30 minutes late to a dinner reservation.

I will! I like hanging out with people who married someone they like to be with, and who don’t need me around to be a buffer with their spouse.

I can see how if you feel that you can’t spend 15 minutes alone with your spouse, it probably doesn’t really phase you if the other couple is in a fight or not speaking to each other.

For me, the late thing wouldn’t bother me, but I would find a fight incredibly awkward.

But why do you assume a fight? It’s really fascinating to me - my husband and I once arrived to a New Year party separately, and there was quite a bit of back and forth between me and the hosts. Yes, he is coming later, no, we are OK, really. Something came up, he left work much later than he thought he would and I didn’t feel like sitting there twiddling my thumbs fully dressed while I could be partying.

The situation is completely neutral. I’m assuming that it’s a fight because of the language in the OP.
Spouse A threatened to leave early, then pulled the trigger and left early in frustration. Then tried to embarrass spouse B.

Making a PB&J is neutral, right? But If I told you I threatened to make my toddler a PB&J if he didn’t eat his dinner, then I finally pulled the trigger and made a PB&J in frustration and then tried to embarrass him, then I am giving a neutral action a specific meaning.

It never said that spouse A tried to embarrass spouse B. It says spouse B FEELS like she feels he was trying to embarrass her by leaving without her. Different things.

Well, as I said earlier, if I threatened my child repeatedly with a peanut butter sandwich, and then I finally pulled the trigger and made one in anger and made them eat it, and then they FELT embarrassed eating it, then that’s at least partly on me, right?

There is nothing inherently embarrassing about eating a peanut butter sandwich. But if you make fixing a peanut butter sandwich this huge thing that you only finally do in a moment of anger and frustration, then eating it is going to feel pretty awful.

This is why Spouse A was wrong. There was no need to make spouse B feel awful.

What is it going to take to get Spouse B show basic consideration to Spouse A? Is Spouse A a prisoner of Spouse B's need for mutual lateness and chaperoning?

No. Spouse A is free to go ahead and be on time. He can even frame it as a kind thing that he’s doing (take your time and take an Uber. I’ll meet you there!).
I’m sure that spouse B will be more likely to show consideration later if Spouse A is nice to her.

So pretend not to find it rude and annoying when really it is?

What about all the drama of "you abandoned me, you chose them over me"?

I posted earlier that my husband is a surgeon and often late. I don’t find it rude and annoying, although I could choose to look at it that way.
Spouse A doesn’t have to find this rude and annoying either. That’s a choice.

I didn’t see anywhere that Spouse B had a bunch of drama about being abandoned. Only that they were upset that Spouse A got angry and tried to embarrass them.

Thank goodness you're not the surgeon.

There is a difference between being late because of something outside of your control and being late because you can't be bothered to get somewhere on time.

And Spouse A didn't get angry or try to embarrass Spouse B.

The difference is literally only in your mind. The behavior in visible reality is the same.

And Spouse A literally said he threatened to leave, then left in anger.

He threatened to leave and then followed through. You weren’t entitled to be habitually late without triggering anger in someone. He is entitled to his feelings.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Spouse A just destroyed their marriage because of a stupid dispute over a diner with a coworker.
Who cares of they showed up late. It’s only a diner.
Spouse A would be right if this was an important appointment where getting late would have had devastating consequences, like getting late to work or an interview and losing your job, etc..

This was just a f*ing diner. Getting late has no major consequences.
It’s important to be on time, but this diner wasn’t the time where they needed to act like this.

Really confused why this would destroy a marriage. You were late. He got annoyed. You traveled separately. It's not that big a deal.

Explain again why you can't be polite to his coworker?

No. I was late. You could have left and had it be no big deal, but you were angry, and any feeling you have must be experienced by everyone around you.
So, repeatedly threatened me, then finally left in anger. When I arrived, thinking it was over, you tried to further embarrass me in front of your friends. You couldn’t let it go and until I was just as angry as you are.

Tell me why this is the kind of household I should raise my children in?

Are you the OP? Because if you’re not you’re just making shit up. Such a tired trope. And even if you’re not OP, learn how to adult and honor your commitments to be somewhere at a previously agreed upon time. That’s what adults do. But I can see how a princess like you thinks the whole world revolves just around her.

I’m not the OP. I don’t think the OP posted again after the first post.
I’m just someone who is surprised that so many people think it’s okay to take your anger out like this over something so trivial.

You wouldn’t act like this to your kids or to a stranger. Why do it to your spouse?

I teach my kids to be on time.

Do you expect an airplane to wait 15-30 minutes for you too?

Of course not. I am on time, which means I arrive at the gate and do not have to sit down before boarding. 20-40 flights per year; haven’t missed a flight yet.

Great. So you are capable of bring on time. Now do that when you promise to meet friends at a restaurant. It’s rude and entitled to have them stand around waiting for you.

I take input on this issue from my friends themselves. They don’t agree with you. Thanks though!

It’s a fact that you are capable of being on time. If you aren’t missing flights, then you are capable of this. It’s a choice then to be late for friends’ events and gatherings, and a rude one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse A just destroyed their marriage because of a stupid dispute over a diner with a coworker.
Who cares of they showed up late. It’s only a diner.
Spouse A would be right if this was an important appointment where getting late would have had devastating consequences, like getting late to work or an interview and losing your job, etc..

This was just a f*ing diner. Getting late has no major consequences.
It’s important to be on time, but this diner wasn’t the time where they needed to act like this.

Really confused why this would destroy a marriage. You were late. He got annoyed. You traveled separately. It's not that big a deal.

Explain again why you can't be polite to his coworker?

No. I was late. You could have left and had it be no big deal, but you were angry, and any feeling you have must be experienced by everyone around you.
So, repeatedly threatened me, then finally left in anger. When I arrived, thinking it was over, you tried to further embarrass me in front of your friends. You couldn’t let it go and until I was just as angry as you are.

Tell me why this is the kind of household I should raise my children in?

Are you the OP? Because if you’re not you’re just making shit up. Such a tired trope. And even if you’re not OP, learn how to adult and honor your commitments to be somewhere at a previously agreed upon time. That’s what adults do. But I can see how a princess like you thinks the whole world revolves just around her.

I’m not the OP. I don’t think the OP posted again after the first post.
I’m just someone who is surprised that so many people think it’s okay to take your anger out like this over something so trivial.

You wouldn’t act like this to your kids or to a stranger. Why do it to your spouse?

I teach my kids to be on time.

Do you expect an airplane to wait 15-30 minutes for you too?

Of course not. I am on time, which means I arrive at the gate and do not have to sit down before boarding. 20-40 flights per year; haven’t missed a flight yet.

Great. So you are capable of bring on time. Now do that when you promise to meet friends at a restaurant. It’s rude and entitled to have them stand around waiting for you.

I take input on this issue from my friends themselves. They don’t agree with you. Thanks though!

It’s a fact that you are capable of being on time. If you aren’t missing flights, then you are capable of this. It’s a choice then to be late for friends’ events and gatherings, and a rude one.

Rudeness is always contextual, as we have already discussed. My context is my friends. Hope you have a peaceful day!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suppose Spouse A is big on punctuality because they come from a military background and also feel that being on time means respecting other people's time. Spouse A also thinks that punctuality is a good habit to pass on to children. Spouse B is less punctual and feels that being 15-30 minutes late is not that big of a deal. Part of this is attributable to cultural/family background and part of it is a tendency to get distracted.

They have discussed the issue repeatedly and Spouse A frequently threatens to just leave Spouse B and go to events, but has never followed through with it until this weekend. They were supposed to meet another couple for dinner and were already running late. The other couple consists of Spouse A's work colleague and their spouse. They are work friends, but not best friends, and the couples have hung out socially together a few times. Spouse A told Spouse B that if they were not ready in 5 minutes, they could take an Uber to the restaurant. Spouse A actually followed through and left to the restaurant in frustration while Spouse B was still dithering.

Spouse B is furious with Spouse A and feels they were trying to embarrass them. Was Spouse A a too drastic?

I would be LIVID if you were 30 minutes late to a dinner with me and my husband without a seriously good excuse. Spouse B is a jerk.

Really? I would be irritated if I was cooking and I prepared things to be ready at a specific time, but it sounds like they were all meeting up at a restaurant. I would just have a drink with my husband.

It would be so much weirder to be brought into the middle of someone’s marital drama.

Ok, you do you. I think it's incredibly rude to show up 30 minutes late to a dinner reservation.

I will! I like hanging out with people who married someone they like to be with, and who don’t need me around to be a buffer with their spouse.

I can see how if you feel that you can’t spend 15 minutes alone with your spouse, it probably doesn’t really phase you if the other couple is in a fight or not speaking to each other.

For me, the late thing wouldn’t bother me, but I would find a fight incredibly awkward.

But why do you assume a fight? It’s really fascinating to me - my husband and I once arrived to a New Year party separately, and there was quite a bit of back and forth between me and the hosts. Yes, he is coming later, no, we are OK, really. Something came up, he left work much later than he thought he would and I didn’t feel like sitting there twiddling my thumbs fully dressed while I could be partying.

The situation is completely neutral. I’m assuming that it’s a fight because of the language in the OP.
Spouse A threatened to leave early, then pulled the trigger and left early in frustration. Then tried to embarrass spouse B.

Making a PB&J is neutral, right? But If I told you I threatened to make my toddler a PB&J if he didn’t eat his dinner, then I finally pulled the trigger and made a PB&J in frustration and then tried to embarrass him, then I am giving a neutral action a specific meaning.

It never said that spouse A tried to embarrass spouse B. It says spouse B FEELS like she feels he was trying to embarrass her by leaving without her. Different things.

Well, as I said earlier, if I threatened my child repeatedly with a peanut butter sandwich, and then I finally pulled the trigger and made one in anger and made them eat it, and then they FELT embarrassed eating it, then that’s at least partly on me, right?

There is nothing inherently embarrassing about eating a peanut butter sandwich. But if you make fixing a peanut butter sandwich this huge thing that you only finally do in a moment of anger and frustration, then eating it is going to feel pretty awful.

This is why Spouse A was wrong. There was no need to make spouse B feel awful.

What is it going to take to get Spouse B show basic consideration to Spouse A? Is Spouse A a prisoner of Spouse B's need for mutual lateness and chaperoning?

No. Spouse A is free to go ahead and be on time. He can even frame it as a kind thing that he’s doing (take your time and take an Uber. I’ll meet you there!).
I’m sure that spouse B will be more likely to show consideration later if Spouse A is nice to her.

So pretend not to find it rude and annoying when really it is?

What about all the drama of "you abandoned me, you chose them over me"?

I posted earlier that my husband is a surgeon and often late. I don’t find it rude and annoying, although I could choose to look at it that way.
Spouse A doesn’t have to find this rude and annoying either. That’s a choice.

I didn’t see anywhere that Spouse B had a bunch of drama about being abandoned. Only that they were upset that Spouse A got angry and tried to embarrass them.

Thank goodness you're not the surgeon.

There is a difference between being late because of something outside of your control and being late because you can't be bothered to get somewhere on time.

And Spouse A didn't get angry or try to embarrass Spouse B.

The difference is literally only in your mind. The behavior in visible reality is the same.

And Spouse A literally said he threatened to leave, then left in anger.

He threatened to leave and then followed through. You weren’t entitled to be habitually late without triggering anger in someone. He is entitled to his feelings.

Why are you saying “you?” I’m not the late spouse. I’m a spouse that isn’t an as$.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suppose Spouse A is big on punctuality because they come from a military background and also feel that being on time means respecting other people's time. Spouse A also thinks that punctuality is a good habit to pass on to children. Spouse B is less punctual and feels that being 15-30 minutes late is not that big of a deal. Part of this is attributable to cultural/family background and part of it is a tendency to get distracted.

They have discussed the issue repeatedly and Spouse A frequently threatens to just leave Spouse B and go to events, but has never followed through with it until this weekend. They were supposed to meet another couple for dinner and were already running late. The other couple consists of Spouse A's work colleague and their spouse. They are work friends, but not best friends, and the couples have hung out socially together a few times. Spouse A told Spouse B that if they were not ready in 5 minutes, they could take an Uber to the restaurant. Spouse A actually followed through and left to the restaurant in frustration while Spouse B was still dithering.

Spouse B is furious with Spouse A and feels they were trying to embarrass them. Was Spouse A a too drastic?

I would be LIVID if you were 30 minutes late to a dinner with me and my husband without a seriously good excuse. Spouse B is a jerk.

Really? I would be irritated if I was cooking and I prepared things to be ready at a specific time, but it sounds like they were all meeting up at a restaurant. I would just have a drink with my husband.

It would be so much weirder to be brought into the middle of someone’s marital drama.

Ok, you do you. I think it's incredibly rude to show up 30 minutes late to a dinner reservation.

I will! I like hanging out with people who married someone they like to be with, and who don’t need me around to be a buffer with their spouse.

I can see how if you feel that you can’t spend 15 minutes alone with your spouse, it probably doesn’t really phase you if the other couple is in a fight or not speaking to each other.

For me, the late thing wouldn’t bother me, but I would find a fight incredibly awkward.

Who is fighting? OP never said there was a fight in front of their friends, you're just making stuff up.

I would never fight with my husband in front of people and we love spending time together just the two of us, but I also wouldn't have married him if he were an inconsiderate jerk who didn't think being on time was important, so we don't have that problem.

Well, he threatened to leave, then walked out in anger. Sounds like a fight to me.

That is 100 percent not a fight.

Okay. I feel uncomfortable out to dinner with a couple where one person is angry with the other. They don’t need to be shouting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suppose Spouse A is big on punctuality because they come from a military background and also feel that being on time means respecting other people's time. Spouse A also thinks that punctuality is a good habit to pass on to children. Spouse B is less punctual and feels that being 15-30 minutes late is not that big of a deal. Part of this is attributable to cultural/family background and part of it is a tendency to get distracted.

They have discussed the issue repeatedly and Spouse A frequently threatens to just leave Spouse B and go to events, but has never followed through with it until this weekend. They were supposed to meet another couple for dinner and were already running late. The other couple consists of Spouse A's work colleague and their spouse. They are work friends, but not best friends, and the couples have hung out socially together a few times. Spouse A told Spouse B that if they were not ready in 5 minutes, they could take an Uber to the restaurant. Spouse A actually followed through and left to the restaurant in frustration while Spouse B was still dithering.

Spouse B is furious with Spouse A and feels they were trying to embarrass them. Was Spouse A a too drastic?

I would be LIVID if you were 30 minutes late to a dinner with me and my husband without a seriously good excuse. Spouse B is a jerk.

Really? I would be irritated if I was cooking and I prepared things to be ready at a specific time, but it sounds like they were all meeting up at a restaurant. I would just have a drink with my husband.

It would be so much weirder to be brought into the middle of someone’s marital drama.

Ok, you do you. I think it's incredibly rude to show up 30 minutes late to a dinner reservation.

I will! I like hanging out with people who married someone they like to be with, and who don’t need me around to be a buffer with their spouse.

I can see how if you feel that you can’t spend 15 minutes alone with your spouse, it probably doesn’t really phase you if the other couple is in a fight or not speaking to each other.

For me, the late thing wouldn’t bother me, but I would find a fight incredibly awkward.

Who is fighting? OP never said there was a fight in front of their friends, you're just making stuff up.

I would never fight with my husband in front of people and we love spending time together just the two of us, but I also wouldn't have married him if he were an inconsiderate jerk who didn't think being on time was important, so we don't have that problem.

Well, he threatened to leave, then walked out in anger. Sounds like a fight to me.

That is 100 percent not a fight.

Okay. I feel uncomfortable out to dinner with a couple where one person is angry with the other. They don’t need to be shouting.

What does this have to do with OP’s post?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse A just destroyed their marriage because of a stupid dispute over a diner with a coworker.
Who cares of they showed up late. It’s only a diner.
Spouse A would be right if this was an important appointment where getting late would have had devastating consequences, like getting late to work or an interview and losing your job, etc..

This was just a f*ing diner. Getting late has no major consequences.
It’s important to be on time, but this diner wasn’t the time where they needed to act like this.

Really confused why this would destroy a marriage. You were late. He got annoyed. You traveled separately. It's not that big a deal.

Explain again why you can't be polite to his coworker?

No. I was late. You could have left and had it be no big deal, but you were angry, and any feeling you have must be experienced by everyone around you.
So, repeatedly threatened me, then finally left in anger. When I arrived, thinking it was over, you tried to further embarrass me in front of your friends. You couldn’t let it go and until I was just as angry as you are.

Tell me why this is the kind of household I should raise my children in?

Are you the OP? Because if you’re not you’re just making shit up. Such a tired trope. And even if you’re not OP, learn how to adult and honor your commitments to be somewhere at a previously agreed upon time. That’s what adults do. But I can see how a princess like you thinks the whole world revolves just around her.

I’m not the OP. I don’t think the OP posted again after the first post.
I’m just someone who is surprised that so many people think it’s okay to take your anger out like this over something so trivial.

You wouldn’t act like this to your kids or to a stranger. Why do it to your spouse?

I teach my kids to be on time.

Do you expect an airplane to wait 15-30 minutes for you too?

Of course not. I am on time, which means I arrive at the gate and do not have to sit down before boarding. 20-40 flights per year; haven’t missed a flight yet.

Great. So you are capable of bring on time. Now do that when you promise to meet friends at a restaurant. It’s rude and entitled to have them stand around waiting for you.

I take input on this issue from my friends themselves. They don’t agree with you. Thanks though!

It’s a fact that you are capable of being on time. If you aren’t missing flights, then you are capable of this. It’s a choice then to be late for friends’ events and gatherings, and a rude one.

Rudeness is always contextual, as we have already discussed. My context is my friends. Hope you have a peaceful day!

Friends don’t always tell their friends they are being rude. Don’t be naive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse A just destroyed their marriage because of a stupid dispute over a diner with a coworker.
Who cares of they showed up late. It’s only a diner.
Spouse A would be right if this was an important appointment where getting late would have had devastating consequences, like getting late to work or an interview and losing your job, etc..

This was just a f*ing diner. Getting late has no major consequences.
It’s important to be on time, but this diner wasn’t the time where they needed to act like this.

Really confused why this would destroy a marriage. You were late. He got annoyed. You traveled separately. It's not that big a deal.

Explain again why you can't be polite to his coworker?

No. I was late. You could have left and had it be no big deal, but you were angry, and any feeling you have must be experienced by everyone around you.
So, repeatedly threatened me, then finally left in anger. When I arrived, thinking it was over, you tried to further embarrass me in front of your friends. You couldn’t let it go and until I was just as angry as you are.

Tell me why this is the kind of household I should raise my children in?

Are you the OP? Because if you’re not you’re just making shit up. Such a tired trope. And even if you’re not OP, learn how to adult and honor your commitments to be somewhere at a previously agreed upon time. That’s what adults do. But I can see how a princess like you thinks the whole world revolves just around her.

I’m not the OP. I don’t think the OP posted again after the first post.
I’m just someone who is surprised that so many people think it’s okay to take your anger out like this over something so trivial.

You wouldn’t act like this to your kids or to a stranger. Why do it to your spouse?

I teach my kids to be on time.

Do you expect an airplane to wait 15-30 minutes for you too?

Of course not. I am on time, which means I arrive at the gate and do not have to sit down before boarding. 20-40 flights per year; haven’t missed a flight yet.

Great. So you are capable of bring on time. Now do that when you promise to meet friends at a restaurant. It’s rude and entitled to have them stand around waiting for you.

I take input on this issue from my friends themselves. They don’t agree with you. Thanks though!

It’s a fact that you are capable of being on time. If you aren’t missing flights, then you are capable of this. It’s a choice then to be late for friends’ events and gatherings, and a rude one.

Rudeness is always contextual, as we have already discussed. My context is my friends. Hope you have a peaceful day!

Silly argument. It’s rude to wear white to a wedding if you aren’t a bride even if your friend doesn’t call you out on it. It’s rude not to thank someone for a gift even if a month later she says “oh don’t worry about it, it’s fine.” Rude is rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suppose Spouse A is big on punctuality because they come from a military background and also feel that being on time means respecting other people's time. Spouse A also thinks that punctuality is a good habit to pass on to children. Spouse B is less punctual and feels that being 15-30 minutes late is not that big of a deal. Part of this is attributable to cultural/family background and part of it is a tendency to get distracted.

They have discussed the issue repeatedly and Spouse A frequently threatens to just leave Spouse B and go to events, but has never followed through with it until this weekend. They were supposed to meet another couple for dinner and were already running late. The other couple consists of Spouse A's work colleague and their spouse. They are work friends, but not best friends, and the couples have hung out socially together a few times. Spouse A told Spouse B that if they were not ready in 5 minutes, they could take an Uber to the restaurant. Spouse A actually followed through and left to the restaurant in frustration while Spouse B was still dithering.

Spouse B is furious with Spouse A and feels they were trying to embarrass them. Was Spouse A a too drastic?

I would be LIVID if you were 30 minutes late to a dinner with me and my husband without a seriously good excuse. Spouse B is a jerk.

Really? I would be irritated if I was cooking and I prepared things to be ready at a specific time, but it sounds like they were all meeting up at a restaurant. I would just have a drink with my husband.

It would be so much weirder to be brought into the middle of someone’s marital drama.

Ok, you do you. I think it's incredibly rude to show up 30 minutes late to a dinner reservation.

I will! I like hanging out with people who married someone they like to be with, and who don’t need me around to be a buffer with their spouse.

I can see how if you feel that you can’t spend 15 minutes alone with your spouse, it probably doesn’t really phase you if the other couple is in a fight or not speaking to each other.

For me, the late thing wouldn’t bother me, but I would find a fight incredibly awkward.

But why do you assume a fight? It’s really fascinating to me - my husband and I once arrived to a New Year party separately, and there was quite a bit of back and forth between me and the hosts. Yes, he is coming later, no, we are OK, really. Something came up, he left work much later than he thought he would and I didn’t feel like sitting there twiddling my thumbs fully dressed while I could be partying.

The situation is completely neutral. I’m assuming that it’s a fight because of the language in the OP.
Spouse A threatened to leave early, then pulled the trigger and left early in frustration. Then tried to [b]embarrass spouse B. [/b]

Making a PB&J is neutral, right? But If I told you I threatened to make my toddler a PB&J if he didn’t eat his dinner, then I finally pulled the trigger and made a PB&J in frustration and then tried to embarrass him, then I am giving a neutral action a specific meaning.

The OP said "Spouse B is furious with Spouse A and feels they were trying to embarrass them." There is no proof that Spouse A did anything other than leaving on time to "embarrass" Spouse B. And Spouse B deserves to feel embarrassed for being so rude.

So, unless Spouse A specifically admits to trying to embarrass Spouse B, it didn’t happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suppose Spouse A is big on punctuality because they come from a military background and also feel that being on time means respecting other people's time. Spouse A also thinks that punctuality is a good habit to pass on to children. Spouse B is less punctual and feels that being 15-30 minutes late is not that big of a deal. Part of this is attributable to cultural/family background and part of it is a tendency to get distracted.

They have discussed the issue repeatedly and Spouse A frequently threatens to just leave Spouse B and go to events, but has never followed through with it until this weekend. They were supposed to meet another couple for dinner and were already running late. The other couple consists of Spouse A's work colleague and their spouse. They are work friends, but not best friends, and the couples have hung out socially together a few times. Spouse A told Spouse B that if they were not ready in 5 minutes, they could take an Uber to the restaurant. Spouse A actually followed through and left to the restaurant in frustration while Spouse B was still dithering.

Spouse B is furious with Spouse A and feels they were trying to embarrass them. Was Spouse A a too drastic?

I would be LIVID if you were 30 minutes late to a dinner with me and my husband without a seriously good excuse. Spouse B is a jerk.

Really? I would be irritated if I was cooking and I prepared things to be ready at a specific time, but it sounds like they were all meeting up at a restaurant. I would just have a drink with my husband.

It would be so much weirder to be brought into the middle of someone’s marital drama.

Ok, you do you. I think it's incredibly rude to show up 30 minutes late to a dinner reservation.

I will! I like hanging out with people who married someone they like to be with, and who don’t need me around to be a buffer with their spouse.

I can see how if you feel that you can’t spend 15 minutes alone with your spouse, it probably doesn’t really phase you if the other couple is in a fight or not speaking to each other.

For me, the late thing wouldn’t bother me, but I would find a fight incredibly awkward.

But why do you assume a fight? It’s really fascinating to me - my husband and I once arrived to a New Year party separately, and there was quite a bit of back and forth between me and the hosts. Yes, he is coming later, no, we are OK, really. Something came up, he left work much later than he thought he would and I didn’t feel like sitting there twiddling my thumbs fully dressed while I could be partying.

The situation is completely neutral. I’m assuming that it’s a fight because of the language in the OP.
Spouse A threatened to leave early, then pulled the trigger and left early in frustration. Then tried to [b]embarrass spouse B. [/b]

Making a PB&J is neutral, right? But If I told you I threatened to make my toddler a PB&J if he didn’t eat his dinner, then I finally pulled the trigger and made a PB&J in frustration and then tried to embarrass him, then I am giving a neutral action a specific meaning.

The OP said "Spouse B is furious with Spouse A and feels they were trying to embarrass them." There is no proof that Spouse A did anything other than leaving on time to "embarrass" Spouse B. And Spouse B deserves to feel embarrassed for being so rude.

So, unless Spouse A specifically admits to trying to embarrass Spouse B, it didn’t happen?

No but you have to offer something to back up the assertion. What did Spouse A do to embarrass Spouse B? Just showing up on time alone is not enough.

It seems like Spouse B is embarrassed about their own conduct and mad that Spouse A is declining to join in their rudeness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse A just destroyed their marriage because of a stupid dispute over a diner with a coworker.
Who cares of they showed up late. It’s only a diner.
Spouse A would be right if this was an important appointment where getting late would have had devastating consequences, like getting late to work or an interview and losing your job, etc..

This was just a f*ing diner. Getting late has no major consequences.
It’s important to be on time, but this diner wasn’t the time where they needed to act like this.

Really confused why this would destroy a marriage. You were late. He got annoyed. You traveled separately. It's not that big a deal.

Explain again why you can't be polite to his coworker?

No. I was late. You could have left and had it be no big deal, but you were angry, and any feeling you have must be experienced by everyone around you.
So, repeatedly threatened me, then finally left in anger. When I arrived, thinking it was over, you tried to further embarrass me in front of your friends. You couldn’t let it go and until I was just as angry as you are.

Tell me why this is the kind of household I should raise my children in?

Are you the OP? Because if you’re not you’re just making shit up. Such a tired trope. And even if you’re not OP, learn how to adult and honor your commitments to be somewhere at a previously agreed upon time. That’s what adults do. But I can see how a princess like you thinks the whole world revolves just around her.

I’m not the OP. I don’t think the OP posted again after the first post.
I’m just someone who is surprised that so many people think it’s okay to take your anger out like this over something so trivial.

You wouldn’t act like this to your kids or to a stranger. Why do it to your spouse?

I teach my kids to be on time.

Do you expect an airplane to wait 15-30 minutes for you too?

Of course not. I am on time, which means I arrive at the gate and do not have to sit down before boarding. 20-40 flights per year; haven’t missed a flight yet.

Great. So you are capable of bring on time. Now do that when you promise to meet friends at a restaurant. It’s rude and entitled to have them stand around waiting for you.

I take input on this issue from my friends themselves. They don’t agree with you. Thanks though!

It’s a fact that you are capable of being on time. If you aren’t missing flights, then you are capable of this. It’s a choice then to be late for friends’ events and gatherings, and a rude one.

Rudeness is always contextual, as we have already discussed. My context is my friends. Hope you have a peaceful day!

Friends don’t always tell their friends they are being rude. Don’t be naive.

Man, a lot of people here with some deep issues.
Most people don’t secretly judge their friends. And normal, healthy people don’t want to be friends with people who do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suppose Spouse A is big on punctuality because they come from a military background and also feel that being on time means respecting other people's time. Spouse A also thinks that punctuality is a good habit to pass on to children. Spouse B is less punctual and feels that being 15-30 minutes late is not that big of a deal. Part of this is attributable to cultural/family background and part of it is a tendency to get distracted.

They have discussed the issue repeatedly and Spouse A frequently threatens to just leave Spouse B and go to events, but has never followed through with it until this weekend. They were supposed to meet another couple for dinner and were already running late. The other couple consists of Spouse A's work colleague and their spouse. They are work friends, but not best friends, and the couples have hung out socially together a few times. Spouse A told Spouse B that if they were not ready in 5 minutes, they could take an Uber to the restaurant. Spouse A actually followed through and left to the restaurant in frustration while Spouse B was still dithering.

Spouse B is furious with Spouse A and feels they were trying to embarrass them. Was Spouse A a too drastic?

I would be LIVID if you were 30 minutes late to a dinner with me and my husband without a seriously good excuse. Spouse B is a jerk.

Really? I would be irritated if I was cooking and I prepared things to be ready at a specific time, but it sounds like they were all meeting up at a restaurant. I would just have a drink with my husband.

It would be so much weirder to be brought into the middle of someone’s marital drama.

Ok, you do you. I think it's incredibly rude to show up 30 minutes late to a dinner reservation.

I will! I like hanging out with people who married someone they like to be with, and who don’t need me around to be a buffer with their spouse.

I can see how if you feel that you can’t spend 15 minutes alone with your spouse, it probably doesn’t really phase you if the other couple is in a fight or not speaking to each other.

For me, the late thing wouldn’t bother me, but I would find a fight incredibly awkward.

But why do you assume a fight? It’s really fascinating to me - my husband and I once arrived to a New Year party separately, and there was quite a bit of back and forth between me and the hosts. Yes, he is coming later, no, we are OK, really. Something came up, he left work much later than he thought he would and I didn’t feel like sitting there twiddling my thumbs fully dressed while I could be partying.

The situation is completely neutral. I’m assuming that it’s a fight because of the language in the OP.
Spouse A threatened to leave early, then pulled the trigger and left early in frustration. Then tried to [b]embarrass spouse B. [/b]

Making a PB&J is neutral, right? But If I told you I threatened to make my toddler a PB&J if he didn’t eat his dinner, then I finally pulled the trigger and made a PB&J in frustration and then tried to embarrass him, then I am giving a neutral action a specific meaning.

The OP said "Spouse B is furious with Spouse A and feels they were trying to embarrass them." There is no proof that Spouse A did anything other than leaving on time to "embarrass" Spouse B. And Spouse B deserves to feel embarrassed for being so rude.

So, unless Spouse A specifically admits to trying to embarrass Spouse B, it didn’t happen?

No but you have to offer something to back up the assertion. What did Spouse A do to embarrass Spouse B? Just showing up on time alone is not enough.

It seems like Spouse B is embarrassed about their own conduct and mad that Spouse A is declining to join in their rudeness.

What? Where did you get that? This is Spouse B’s typical conduct, and it sounds like they are fine. Why would they be suddenly spontaneously embarrassed about it?

Spouse A is the one who is embarrassed about Spouse B’s conduct. It makes sense that he wants Spouse B to feel embarrassed because he feels embarrassed.

A lot of people in this thread are trying to do the same thing. They are saying that Spouse B is a spoiled princess, a narcissist, incredibly rude, etc. They are trying to make Spouse B feel embarrassed.
Doesn’t it make sense that this is what Spouse A is doing when Spouse B says that he was trying to make her feel embarrassed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suppose Spouse A is big on punctuality because they come from a military background and also feel that being on time means respecting other people's time. Spouse A also thinks that punctuality is a good habit to pass on to children. Spouse B is less punctual and feels that being 15-30 minutes late is not that big of a deal. Part of this is attributable to cultural/family background and part of it is a tendency to get distracted.

They have discussed the issue repeatedly and Spouse A frequently threatens to just leave Spouse B and go to events, but has never followed through with it until this weekend. They were supposed to meet another couple for dinner and were already running late. The other couple consists of Spouse A's work colleague and their spouse. They are work friends, but not best friends, and the couples have hung out socially together a few times. Spouse A told Spouse B that if they were not ready in 5 minutes, they could take an Uber to the restaurant. Spouse A actually followed through and left to the restaurant in frustration while Spouse B was still dithering.

Spouse B is furious with Spouse A and feels they were trying to embarrass them. Was Spouse A a too drastic?

I would be LIVID if you were 30 minutes late to a dinner with me and my husband without a seriously good excuse. Spouse B is a jerk.

Really? I would be irritated if I was cooking and I prepared things to be ready at a specific time, but it sounds like they were all meeting up at a restaurant. I would just have a drink with my husband.

It would be so much weirder to be brought into the middle of someone’s marital drama.

Ok, you do you. I think it's incredibly rude to show up 30 minutes late to a dinner reservation.

I will! I like hanging out with people who married someone they like to be with, and who don’t need me around to be a buffer with their spouse.

I can see how if you feel that you can’t spend 15 minutes alone with your spouse, it probably doesn’t really phase you if the other couple is in a fight or not speaking to each other.

For me, the late thing wouldn’t bother me, but I would find a fight incredibly awkward.

But why do you assume a fight? It’s really fascinating to me - my husband and I once arrived to a New Year party separately, and there was quite a bit of back and forth between me and the hosts. Yes, he is coming later, no, we are OK, really. Something came up, he left work much later than he thought he would and I didn’t feel like sitting there twiddling my thumbs fully dressed while I could be partying.

The situation is completely neutral. I’m assuming that it’s a fight because of the language in the OP.
Spouse A threatened to leave early, then pulled the trigger and left early in frustration. Then tried to [b]embarrass spouse B. [/b]

Making a PB&J is neutral, right? But If I told you I threatened to make my toddler a PB&J if he didn’t eat his dinner, then I finally pulled the trigger and made a PB&J in frustration and then tried to embarrass him, then I am giving a neutral action a specific meaning.

The OP said "Spouse B is furious with Spouse A and feels they were trying to embarrass them." There is no proof that Spouse A did anything other than leaving on time to "embarrass" Spouse B. And Spouse B deserves to feel embarrassed for being so rude.

So, unless Spouse A specifically admits to trying to embarrass Spouse B, it didn’t happen?

No but you have to offer something to back up the assertion. What did Spouse A do to embarrass Spouse B? Just showing up on time alone is not enough.

It seems like Spouse B is embarrassed about their own conduct and mad that Spouse A is declining to join in their rudeness.

What? Where did you get that? This is Spouse B’s typical conduct, and it sounds like they are fine. Why would they be suddenly spontaneously embarrassed about it?

Spouse A is the one who is embarrassed about Spouse B’s conduct. It makes sense that he wants Spouse B to feel embarrassed because he feels embarrassed.

A lot of people in this thread are trying to do the same thing. They are saying that Spouse B is a spoiled princess, a narcissist, incredibly rude, etc. They are trying to make Spouse B feel embarrassed.
Doesn’t it make sense that this is what Spouse A is doing when Spouse B says that he was trying to make her feel embarrassed?

I think people are just asking what Spouse A actually *did* in this effort to embarrass Spouse B. What did Spouse A say to the friends?

[Anonymous]

I think there has been a lot of projecting as to the definition of threat. Spouse A simply could have said, I’m sick of you being late, if you’re not ready I’m leaving without you. Op never mentioned angry, loud, aggressive threats. Just that Spouse A has said on multiple occasions they would just leave and in this case they did.

People are posting as if the OP described some knock down drag out fight then a scene in front of the friends at the restaurant but the OP did nothing of the sort.