How to get through to DH that doing 80% doesn't count?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP I get it. I have a DH who likes to claim he "did 4 loads of laundry today" when he's working from home but what he actually did was move 4 loads of laundry through the machines and then pile them all on a chair in the living room where they will stay for days unless I give up and fold them first. I've told him that I don't really consider myself to have done a load of laundry until it's put away and he was like "oh you're too hard on yourself -- I think just getting it cleaned is an accomplishment."

This would break me.

The hardest part of laundry is folding it and putting it away after. If you don't fold it right away then it's wrinkly and you have to look at each thing and decide to fluff it or iron to make it look decent.

Finding a massive unwashed pile of clothing in the hamper is preferable to encountering a mystery stack of wrinkled but clean clothes.

PP here and yes I totally agree. I thought of this example reading OP's post because last week we were both working from home on Friday when he did this and it was a genuine source of stress for me to watch that pile grow throughout the day. I said something to him about it ("maybe we shouldn't do anymore laundry today as it's going to take a while to get through all the folding") and he was like "don't worry about it -- I want to get through all the washing first." The pile sat there all weekend until finally I broke down on Sunday and folded it. I didn't fluff or iron anything because I just refuse but it took me a full hour and I was very irritated. But if I say anything he'll be like "I can't believe you are mad at me for doing the laundry."

It sounds like “we” didn’t do laundry that day… HE did laundry and “we” weren’t involved until you did YOUR share and folded it… an entire week later. I’ll bet HE didn’t complain, though.

Well I was working and didn't have time to fold four loads of laundry that day -- I was working. Turns out he also didn't have time to fold the laundry either because he didn't. Anyone can just move laundry through the machines during little breaks between calls or whatever -- this takes maybe a minute or two per load. So he spent 10 minutes doing laundry on Friday and I spent an hour folding and putting away laundry on Sunday (2 days later not an entire week -- eventually we actually needed those clothes to wear).

Why would he complain about this. He actually thinks he accomplished something but I did more than half of the work.

LOL. Then why the heck didn’t YOU do any of it? By your own admission you were BOTH working from home and yet HE is the only one who did any laundry chores. And I guess you guys don’t sort your laundry or have any delicate or stained items if it only takes a minute or two per load to get them clean.

And finally, folding is not that difficult. Stop being a drama queen.

I didn't do laundry that day because I did not have time to fold it and put it away. I did it on the weekend when I had time to *complete the task.* I didn't want to start a chore and then leave it sitting in the middle of the living room for two days because I don't want a pile of wrinkles clothes sitting in the living room for two days.

If my DH wanted to do laundry he should have done only as many loads as HE could fold and put away that day. But he wants credit for doing the first third of the task (the easiest and least time consuming part). I could have done laundry on Sunday when I was doing stuff around the house anyway and the folded the clothes as they came out if the dryer before they got all wrinkled and I would have been no worse off. But DH wants a cookie for half assing a task and then leaving it for me to finish. He didn't help! It was inefficient and poorly done. Why should I be grateful for that?

He doesn’t want a cookie, though. He just wants you to calm down and get off his back. Your position is literally “if I had done this task I would have done it better than you!” But the fact is that you didn’t do the task! You did *nothing* but are complaining bitterly about him doing *something*!

You could have *easily* folded laundry as he was taking it out if the dryer, but you chose not to because you thought if you pouted enough he would do literally everything on HIS breaks while you did absolutely nothing on your breaks.

I. Was. Working. It was a work day. I was on my computer writing a document that had to go out that day. I did not have 30 minutes breaks through the day to piddle around the house. Instead I just watched while he through pile after pile of laundry on a chair where I knew it would sit until I folded it.

When I do chores around the house, I finish them. I do way more cleaning than he does. I do all the organizing and most of the tidying. I do not halfass any of these activities and expect someone else to finish them for me and then on top of it expect them to be grateful that I "got them started."

1. Your husband was also working, maybe not to “writing a document” level of exertion (lol btw) but working nonetheless
2. You didn’t do any chores to any level of completion, but you are incessantly whining about a chore that was done, objectively, good enough. (Were the clothed clean when you needed them? You already admitted this, and your husband, not you, is the reason you had clean clothes to wear on Monday.)

Look we found the DH who wants extra credit for doing 30% of the laundry.

Oh so no we’re to the point where sorting, washing, and drying is 30% and folding and putting away is 70%.

Do you nuts even hear yourselves?

This is legitimately true. Sorting (why sort? toss everything in together on cold), putting in washer and moving to dryer takes max 4 minutes. Folding, hanging, matching socks, sorting by person etc and putting away a large load of clothes easily takes 10+min. If it takes you more than 4 minutes to dump a basket into one machine and then move that pile into another and then move it back out into a basket....something is wrong.

+1 and also people who think "doing laundry" means running it through the washer and dyer also tend to be the people to not pay any attention to what they are doing and throw stuff in the dryer that needs to be hung up or throw delicates in with the regular wash. Or pull sheets from the dryer that aren't actually dry because they got twisted up or the pillow cases got caught up in the fitted sheet and didn't dry. Then he'll throw that not-dry mess in a basket and leave it for a day until it stinks and has to be washed again. So they not only don't finish the laundry by refusing to fold it and put it away but they also screw up the easiest part of the laundry (putting it in the machines).

I finally solved the sheet thing by just getting rid of all but one set of sheets for each bed so if you wash them you have to put them back on the bed same day. I sincerely wish I could use this same trick on the rest of the clothes and towels. It's pretty much the only way to get anyone in my family to finish laundry because they are all allergic to folding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No matter what the household-related task is, DH will walk away and leave the final 20% of a task undone. It could be literally any task, but he has what seems like a pathological need to walk away before a task is complete.

Examples:

He'll go to the grocery store, but he'll leave 3 empty paper bags on the floor and non-perishables lined up on the counter.
He'll buy grass seed and sow some of it, but the half-filled sack will be left gaping in the front corner of the garage for the next 3 months and then he'll never water the grass seed so it doesn't germinate.
He'll run a load of laundry, but it will sit unfolded in the dryer until someone else sees it and deals with it.
He'll do the dishes, but leave the "weird" stuff in the sink and make up an excuse like he didn't know how to wash it or there was no room on the drying rack and it would take too long to dry the stuff on the rack.

I'm the only other adult in the house, so if he doesn't do something, I'm doing it.

When I call him out on it and/or argue that it's not doing a task if he leaves it for someone else to finish, he'll throw a fit and say I should be happy he did anything. This seems pretty unfair because it means I'm doing 100% of my chores plus 20% of what he's supposed to be doing. I'm exhausted because I know that not only is my work never done, but the moment I want to relax or use something or start something, I have to clean up his surprises first.

He gives me attitude for not celebrating him for doing his share.

Has anyone tried to reason with a man like this? Translate "you're acting like an immature parasite" into rational adult language for me, please!

You sit down and explain how the current situation is unsustainable. The pattern of behavior is bad and you both need professional help.

In fact, his discussion may indeed be adhd related so let’s bock and tackle that first with a neuropysch test.

Then take the results and get what you need to focus. Kids may need this too but let’s get you in shape first.

Take it from there with the results, targeted therapy or meds. Explore this all.

[Anonymous]

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It's just really really hard to know for sure what this will look like before you are in it. I am someone who way overestimated how much childcare my DH would do based on him being generally pretty comfortable around kids and saying all the right stuff about sharing the load. But the reality was that he would hide in the bathroom to avoid changing diapers and he can be incredibly impatient through the toddler and preschool years where kids just need a ton of attention and help with learning how to do stuff. And very disappointingly he did not step up with chores or household stuff as I took on more and more of the parenting that he just kind of opted out of -- it's always been about 60-40 in those areas and it stayed that way even as I took on way more childcare and parenting responsibilities and we both worked. But I don't know how I could possibly have known it would go this way when we were dating or even living together or the two years post-marriage and before kids. He isn't a misogynist. He does know how to clean and cook and he does do these things. He's a "good guy" and generally respectful to me. And yet after we had kids our division of labor at home went from 60-40 to like 80-20. And to him because he's doing the same amount of stuff he was doing pre-kids he thinks that should be enough and he just doesn't seem to understand there is SO much more to do with kids.

I really don't know how you fix this. So many women in this boat and the guys are not abusive jerks or anything but also women are doing so much more at home even when working similar jobs.

Okay, ding ding ding! Having a 60/40 split prior to having children is a RED FLAG that you missed. Any competent person should be able to do 50% of a two-adult-no-kid household. Him failing to do that was a RED FLAG. You probably thought it was no big deal and you're such a nice wife, but you should have drawn a line back then and insisted that he do his share. Instead, you taught him that you're happy to do the majority of the work.

I had a huge number of fights with my husband (or fiance at the time) about this stuff, and he honestly did not comprehend why I was being so intense about it, but it's really the only way to ensure that he truly understands you're serious about it and won't pick up his slack.

Sure but almost no women are socialized to think this. Instead they are told over and over again "well men just don't care as much about cleanliness" or "if you nag all the time you won't have a boyfriend at all" or "well marriage is about compromise."

Also if there is even a slight difference in earning then that will be used to justify the disparity sort of subconsciously and the woman will make what she thinks is a small bargain with herself -- she'll do 60% of the work at home if it means she only has to earn 40% of the money. But this becomes a massive compromise when kids show up because that 60% rapidly increases to 80% even though she's still making 40% of the money. And what if her DH burns out or hits a ceiling at work -- she could be earning 50% or more but he's still just doing the 40% of the pre-kids household duties and truly believes it's half of all total house and child responsiblities. And at that point they have kids and household finances premised on them both working. People get stuck.

You can say it's a red flag and it is but you also need to acknowledge that when a newly married or cohabitating woman says "my DH does half the cooking and the laundry but doesn't really do any of the cleaning -- should I worry about this" the overwhelming response will be "BE GRATEFUL HE'S COOKING AND DOING LAUNDRY YOU FOUND A KEEPER CAN'T YOU JUST HIRE A HOUSECLEANER." Like socially we really do not encourage women do demand truly 50% contributions at home including in those early years at home before kids. We consider men who cook and clean at all such a vast improvement over what most of us grew up with that it's hard to see how those little inequities will grow with kids.

I don't know what to tell ya, you can blame it on some villain who "socialized" you, but I knew what I wanted and I was happy to be single or have kids on my own if I couldn't find a man who was compatible with this. I definitely would not have tolerated a man who doesn't do a fair share, whether that's half of everything or half of the things, could be either, but I don't care what the "overwhelming response" is, and I would suggest if you disagree with what you're reading online or what your friends say, you can change your reading material and your friends.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Quit doing his 20% AND start doing 80% yourself. Like making sandwiches for lunch? Make yours and leave his unfinished, so he’ll have to complete it himself. Fold your laundry but leave his in the dryer or in a pile on the floor. Sometimes people are too stupid to see the effects of their choices until they are on the receiving end of similar stupidity. Hopefully he sees it and corrects his ways, but if he doesn’t, then divorce is the answer.

This. It’s immature but sometimes this is the most effective path when dealing with a man child.

I tried that and instead of doing his own laundry, DH just kept buying new clothes instead.

Then you divorce. This isn’t rocket science.

This is how you know we're on DCUM ... Doesn't take too long for someone to suggest divorce!

[Anonymous]

I think you have to read about husbands who are passive aggressive or ADHD marriages and decide if there are any tips or ideas with how to live together or parent better.

Get a therapist who understands these NT/ND marriages and families as well. They may have coping advice, they may get you stronger and at peace with divorce and coparenting. Join a support group to vent or get tips too.

Once info starts repeating too much, you’re learned all you can. Make your decision, yours prepared: live together, live apart, live together but apart.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP I get it. I have a DH who likes to claim he "did 4 loads of laundry today" when he's working from home but what he actually did was move 4 loads of laundry through the machines and then pile them all on a chair in the living room where they will stay for days unless I give up and fold them first. I've told him that I don't really consider myself to have done a load of laundry until it's put away and he was like "oh you're too hard on yourself -- I think just getting it cleaned is an accomplishment."

This would break me.

The hardest part of laundry is folding it and putting it away after. If you don't fold it right away then it's wrinkly and you have to look at each thing and decide to fluff it or iron to make it look decent.

Finding a massive unwashed pile of clothing in the hamper is preferable to encountering a mystery stack of wrinkled but clean clothes.

PP here and yes I totally agree. I thought of this example reading OP's post because last week we were both working from home on Friday when he did this and it was a genuine source of stress for me to watch that pile grow throughout the day. I said something to him about it ("maybe we shouldn't do anymore laundry today as it's going to take a while to get through all the folding") and he was like "don't worry about it -- I want to get through all the washing first." The pile sat there all weekend until finally I broke down on Sunday and folded it. I didn't fluff or iron anything because I just refuse but it took me a full hour and I was very irritated. But if I say anything he'll be like "I can't believe you are mad at me for doing the laundry."

It sounds like “we” didn’t do laundry that day… HE did laundry and “we” weren’t involved until you did YOUR share and folded it… an entire week later. I’ll bet HE didn’t complain, though.

Well I was working and didn't have time to fold four loads of laundry that day -- I was working. Turns out he also didn't have time to fold the laundry either because he didn't. Anyone can just move laundry through the machines during little breaks between calls or whatever -- this takes maybe a minute or two per load. So he spent 10 minutes doing laundry on Friday and I spent an hour folding and putting away laundry on Sunday (2 days later not an entire week -- eventually we actually needed those clothes to wear).

Why would he complain about this. He actually thinks he accomplished something but I did more than half of the work.

LOL. Then why the heck didn’t YOU do any of it? By your own admission you were BOTH working from home and yet HE is the only one who did any laundry chores. And I guess you guys don’t sort your laundry or have any delicate or stained items if it only takes a minute or two per load to get them clean.

And finally, folding is not that difficult. Stop being a drama queen.

I didn't do laundry that day because I did not have time to fold it and put it away. I did it on the weekend when I had time to *complete the task.* I didn't want to start a chore and then leave it sitting in the middle of the living room for two days because I don't want a pile of wrinkles clothes sitting in the living room for two days.

If my DH wanted to do laundry he should have done only as many loads as HE could fold and put away that day. But he wants credit for doing the first third of the task (the easiest and least time consuming part). I could have done laundry on Sunday when I was doing stuff around the house anyway and the folded the clothes as they came out if the dryer before they got all wrinkled and I would have been no worse off. But DH wants a cookie for half assing a task and then leaving it for me to finish. He didn't help! It was inefficient and poorly done. Why should I be grateful for that?

He doesn’t want a cookie, though. He just wants you to calm down and get off his back. Your position is literally “if I had done this task I would have done it better than you!” But the fact is that you didn’t do the task! You did *nothing* but are complaining bitterly about him doing *something*!

You could have *easily* folded laundry as he was taking it out if the dryer, but you chose not to because you thought if you pouted enough he would do literally everything on HIS breaks while you did absolutely nothing on your breaks.

I. Was. Working. It was a work day. I was on my computer writing a document that had to go out that day. I did not have 30 minutes breaks through the day to piddle around the house. Instead I just watched while he through pile after pile of laundry on a chair where I knew it would sit until I folded it.

When I do chores around the house, I finish them. I do way more cleaning than he does. I do all the organizing and most of the tidying. I do not halfass any of these activities and expect someone else to finish them for me and then on top of it expect them to be grateful that I "got them started."

1. Your husband was also working, maybe not to “writing a document” level of exertion (lol btw) but working nonetheless
2. You didn’t do any chores to any level of completion, but you are incessantly whining about a chore that was done, objectively, good enough. (Were the clothed clean when you needed them? You already admitted this, and your husband, not you, is the reason you had clean clothes to wear on Monday.)

NP here but this is bonkers. She would have cleaned her clothes on the weekend. Why are you defending him?

There’s no evidence of that. She just repeatedly says she would have, and yet she was too unmotivated or lazy to even fold the clothes until Sunday. It’s giving off the energy of the legends in their own minds type of guys going on about how THEY would have made that catch when watching the game. Sure you would have, buddy. That’s why you’re sitting on the couch *watching* someone else do something imperfectly (the horror).

I’m defending him because the person who did NOTHING is getting a ton of support for badmouthing the person who did SOMETHING (even if the something was the bare minimum - by definition the bare minimum is still adequate) and I find it bizarre.

I didn't do nothing. I did most of the laundry. Thats' the point. He did part of the laundry task and then left it for someone else to finish. Which I then did. But then he bragged about how he "did four loads of laundry" on Friday. But he didn't. He did zero loads of laundry -- he *started* four loads of laundry.

This is a conversation about how starting and abandoning a task is very frustrating for your partner who then has to complete it for you.

DH had the option of doing one load of laundry on Friday including folding and putting away and that would have been great. He could also like me have done zero loads of laundry and either done it on the weekend or done it with me on the weekend or let me do it while he did something else start to finish. He chose instead to start the laundry and then let it sit in the living room occupying it's one chair for two full days until someone else finished the task for him.

You did nothing *on Friday* you dolt. You didn’t “do most of the laundry” TWO DAYS LATER - you folded some clothes and put them in drawers!

HE did the actual *critical* part of “doing laundry” which is getting the clothes CLEAN.

It’s crazy how you’re digging in your heels on this. You must be absolutely EXHAUSTING to live with.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP I get it. I have a DH who likes to claim he "did 4 loads of laundry today" when he's working from home but what he actually did was move 4 loads of laundry through the machines and then pile them all on a chair in the living room where they will stay for days unless I give up and fold them first. I've told him that I don't really consider myself to have done a load of laundry until it's put away and he was like "oh you're too hard on yourself -- I think just getting it cleaned is an accomplishment."

This would break me.

The hardest part of laundry is folding it and putting it away after. If you don't fold it right away then it's wrinkly and you have to look at each thing and decide to fluff it or iron to make it look decent.

Finding a massive unwashed pile of clothing in the hamper is preferable to encountering a mystery stack of wrinkled but clean clothes.

PP here and yes I totally agree. I thought of this example reading OP's post because last week we were both working from home on Friday when he did this and it was a genuine source of stress for me to watch that pile grow throughout the day. I said something to him about it ("maybe we shouldn't do anymore laundry today as it's going to take a while to get through all the folding") and he was like "don't worry about it -- I want to get through all the washing first." The pile sat there all weekend until finally I broke down on Sunday and folded it. I didn't fluff or iron anything because I just refuse but it took me a full hour and I was very irritated. But if I say anything he'll be like "I can't believe you are mad at me for doing the laundry."

It sounds like “we” didn’t do laundry that day… HE did laundry and “we” weren’t involved until you did YOUR share and folded it… an entire week later. I’ll bet HE didn’t complain, though.

Well I was working and didn't have time to fold four loads of laundry that day -- I was working. Turns out he also didn't have time to fold the laundry either because he didn't. Anyone can just move laundry through the machines during little breaks between calls or whatever -- this takes maybe a minute or two per load. So he spent 10 minutes doing laundry on Friday and I spent an hour folding and putting away laundry on Sunday (2 days later not an entire week -- eventually we actually needed those clothes to wear).

Why would he complain about this. He actually thinks he accomplished something but I did more than half of the work.

LOL. Then why the heck didn’t YOU do any of it? By your own admission you were BOTH working from home and yet HE is the only one who did any laundry chores. And I guess you guys don’t sort your laundry or have any delicate or stained items if it only takes a minute or two per load to get them clean.

And finally, folding is not that difficult. Stop being a drama queen.

I didn't do laundry that day because I did not have time to fold it and put it away. I did it on the weekend when I had time to *complete the task.* I didn't want to start a chore and then leave it sitting in the middle of the living room for two days because I don't want a pile of wrinkles clothes sitting in the living room for two days.

If my DH wanted to do laundry he should have done only as many loads as HE could fold and put away that day. But he wants credit for doing the first third of the task (the easiest and least time consuming part). I could have done laundry on Sunday when I was doing stuff around the house anyway and the folded the clothes as they came out if the dryer before they got all wrinkled and I would have been no worse off. But DH wants a cookie for half assing a task and then leaving it for me to finish. He didn't help! It was inefficient and poorly done. Why should I be grateful for that?

He doesn’t want a cookie, though. He just wants you to calm down and get off his back. Your position is literally “if I had done this task I would have done it better than you!” But the fact is that you didn’t do the task! You did *nothing* but are complaining bitterly about him doing *something*!

You could have *easily* folded laundry as he was taking it out if the dryer, but you chose not to because you thought if you pouted enough he would do literally everything on HIS breaks while you did absolutely nothing on your breaks.

I. Was. Working. It was a work day. I was on my computer writing a document that had to go out that day. I did not have 30 minutes breaks through the day to piddle around the house. Instead I just watched while he through pile after pile of laundry on a chair where I knew it would sit until I folded it.

When I do chores around the house, I finish them. I do way more cleaning than he does. I do all the organizing and most of the tidying. I do not halfass any of these activities and expect someone else to finish them for me and then on top of it expect them to be grateful that I "got them started."

1. Your husband was also working, maybe not to “writing a document” level of exertion (lol btw) but working nonetheless
2. You didn’t do any chores to any level of completion, but you are incessantly whining about a chore that was done, objectively, good enough. (Were the clothed clean when you needed them? You already admitted this, and your husband, not you, is the reason you had clean clothes to wear on Monday.)

Look we found the DH who wants extra credit for doing 30% of the laundry.

Oh so no we’re to the point where sorting, washing, and drying is 30% and folding and putting away is 70%.

Do you nuts even hear yourselves?

This is legitimately true. Sorting (why sort? toss everything in together on cold), putting in washer and moving to dryer takes max 4 minutes. Folding, hanging, matching socks, sorting by person etc and putting away a large load of clothes easily takes 10+min. If it takes you more than 4 minutes to dump a basket into one machine and then move that pile into another and then move it back out into a basket....something is wrong.

So it’s okay for YOU to “half-ass” a task but not your DH. Typical.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP I get it. I have a DH who likes to claim he "did 4 loads of laundry today" when he's working from home but what he actually did was move 4 loads of laundry through the machines and then pile them all on a chair in the living room where they will stay for days unless I give up and fold them first. I've told him that I don't really consider myself to have done a load of laundry until it's put away and he was like "oh you're too hard on yourself -- I think just getting it cleaned is an accomplishment."

This would break me.

The hardest part of laundry is folding it and putting it away after. If you don't fold it right away then it's wrinkly and you have to look at each thing and decide to fluff it or iron to make it look decent.

Finding a massive unwashed pile of clothing in the hamper is preferable to encountering a mystery stack of wrinkled but clean clothes.

PP here and yes I totally agree. I thought of this example reading OP's post because last week we were both working from home on Friday when he did this and it was a genuine source of stress for me to watch that pile grow throughout the day. I said something to him about it ("maybe we shouldn't do anymore laundry today as it's going to take a while to get through all the folding") and he was like "don't worry about it -- I want to get through all the washing first." The pile sat there all weekend until finally I broke down on Sunday and folded it. I didn't fluff or iron anything because I just refuse but it took me a full hour and I was very irritated. But if I say anything he'll be like "I can't believe you are mad at me for doing the laundry."

It sounds like “we” didn’t do laundry that day… HE did laundry and “we” weren’t involved until you did YOUR share and folded it… an entire week later. I’ll bet HE didn’t complain, though.

Well I was working and didn't have time to fold four loads of laundry that day -- I was working. Turns out he also didn't have time to fold the laundry either because he didn't. Anyone can just move laundry through the machines during little breaks between calls or whatever -- this takes maybe a minute or two per load. So he spent 10 minutes doing laundry on Friday and I spent an hour folding and putting away laundry on Sunday (2 days later not an entire week -- eventually we actually needed those clothes to wear).

Why would he complain about this. He actually thinks he accomplished something but I did more than half of the work.

LOL. Then why the heck didn’t YOU do any of it? By your own admission you were BOTH working from home and yet HE is the only one who did any laundry chores. And I guess you guys don’t sort your laundry or have any delicate or stained items if it only takes a minute or two per load to get them clean.

And finally, folding is not that difficult. Stop being a drama queen.

I didn't do laundry that day because I did not have time to fold it and put it away. I did it on the weekend when I had time to *complete the task.* I didn't want to start a chore and then leave it sitting in the middle of the living room for two days because I don't want a pile of wrinkles clothes sitting in the living room for two days.

If my DH wanted to do laundry he should have done only as many loads as HE could fold and put away that day. But he wants credit for doing the first third of the task (the easiest and least time consuming part). I could have done laundry on Sunday when I was doing stuff around the house anyway and the folded the clothes as they came out if the dryer before they got all wrinkled and I would have been no worse off. But DH wants a cookie for half assing a task and then leaving it for me to finish. He didn't help! It was inefficient and poorly done. Why should I be grateful for that?

He doesn’t want a cookie, though. He just wants you to calm down and get off his back. Your position is literally “if I had done this task I would have done it better than you!” But the fact is that you didn’t do the task! You did *nothing* but are complaining bitterly about him doing *something*!

You could have *easily* folded laundry as he was taking it out if the dryer, but you chose not to because you thought if you pouted enough he would do literally everything on HIS breaks while you did absolutely nothing on your breaks.

I. Was. Working. It was a work day. I was on my computer writing a document that had to go out that day. I did not have 30 minutes breaks through the day to piddle around the house. Instead I just watched while he through pile after pile of laundry on a chair where I knew it would sit until I folded it.

When I do chores around the house, I finish them. I do way more cleaning than he does. I do all the organizing and most of the tidying. I do not halfass any of these activities and expect someone else to finish them for me and then on top of it expect them to be grateful that I "got them started."

1. Your husband was also working, maybe not to “writing a document” level of exertion (lol btw) but working nonetheless
2. You didn’t do any chores to any level of completion, but you are incessantly whining about a chore that was done, objectively, good enough. (Were the clothed clean when you needed them? You already admitted this, and your husband, not you, is the reason you had clean clothes to wear on Monday.)

Look we found the DH who wants extra credit for doing 30% of the laundry.

Oh so no we’re to the point where sorting, washing, and drying is 30% and folding and putting away is 70%.

Do you nuts even hear yourselves?

This is legitimately true. Sorting (why sort? toss everything in together on cold), putting in washer and moving to dryer takes max 4 minutes. Folding, hanging, matching socks, sorting by person etc and putting away a large load of clothes easily takes 10+min. If it takes you more than 4 minutes to dump a basket into one machine and then move that pile into another and then move it back out into a basket....something is wrong.

+1 and also people who think "doing laundry" means running it through the washer and dyer also tend to be the people to not pay any attention to what they are doing and throw stuff in the dryer that needs to be hung up or throw delicates in with the regular wash. Or pull sheets from the dryer that aren't actually dry because they got twisted up or the pillow cases got caught up in the fitted sheet and didn't dry. Then he'll throw that not-dry mess in a basket and leave it for a day until it stinks and has to be washed again. So they not only don't finish the laundry by refusing to fold it and put it away but they also screw up the easiest part of the laundry (putting it in the machines).

I finally solved the sheet thing by just getting rid of all but one set of sheets for each bed so if you wash them you have to put them back on the bed same day. I sincerely wish I could use this same trick on the rest of the clothes and towels. It's pretty much the only way to get anyone in my family to finish laundry because they are all allergic to folding.

Sorry, I can’t let go of this insane laundry hypocrisy! First ya’ll are saying throwing in a load of laundry PLUS putting it in the dryer takes a maximum of four minutes because sorting is stupid and a waste of time, but then in the next breath you complain about NOT sorting (delicates vs regular wash, hang dry vs dryer) and how that’s also wrong. SO WHICH IS IT?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It's just really really hard to know for sure what this will look like before you are in it. I am someone who way overestimated how much childcare my DH would do based on him being generally pretty comfortable around kids and saying all the right stuff about sharing the load. But the reality was that he would hide in the bathroom to avoid changing diapers and he can be incredibly impatient through the toddler and preschool years where kids just need a ton of attention and help with learning how to do stuff. And very disappointingly he did not step up with chores or household stuff as I took on more and more of the parenting that he just kind of opted out of -- it's always been about 60-40 in those areas and it stayed that way even as I took on way more childcare and parenting responsibilities and we both worked. But I don't know how I could possibly have known it would go this way when we were dating or even living together or the two years post-marriage and before kids. He isn't a misogynist. He does know how to clean and cook and he does do these things. He's a "good guy" and generally respectful to me. And yet after we had kids our division of labor at home went from 60-40 to like 80-20. And to him because he's doing the same amount of stuff he was doing pre-kids he thinks that should be enough and he just doesn't seem to understand there is SO much more to do with kids.

I really don't know how you fix this. So many women in this boat and the guys are not abusive jerks or anything but also women are doing so much more at home even when working similar jobs.

Okay, ding ding ding! Having a 60/40 split prior to having children is a RED FLAG that you missed. Any competent person should be able to do 50% of a two-adult-no-kid household. Him failing to do that was a RED FLAG. You probably thought it was no big deal and you're such a nice wife, but you should have drawn a line back then and insisted that he do his share. Instead, you taught him that you're happy to do the majority of the work.

I had a huge number of fights with my husband (or fiance at the time) about this stuff, and he honestly did not comprehend why I was being so intense about it, but it's really the only way to ensure that he truly understands you're serious about it and won't pick up his slack.

Sure but almost no women are socialized to think this. Instead they are told over and over again "well men just don't care as much about cleanliness" or "if you nag all the time you won't have a boyfriend at all" or "well marriage is about compromise."

Also if there is even a slight difference in earning then that will be used to justify the disparity sort of subconsciously and the woman will make what she thinks is a small bargain with herself -- she'll do 60% of the work at home if it means she only has to earn 40% of the money. But this becomes a massive compromise when kids show up because that 60% rapidly increases to 80% even though she's still making 40% of the money. And what if her DH burns out or hits a ceiling at work -- she could be earning 50% or more but he's still just doing the 40% of the pre-kids household duties and truly believes it's half of all total house and child responsibilities. And at that point they have kids and household finances premised on them both working. People get stuck.

You can say it's a red flag and it is but you also need to acknowledge that when a newly married or cohabitating woman says "my DH does half the cooking and the laundry but doesn't really do any of the cleaning -- should I worry about this" the overwhelming response will be "BE GRATEFUL HE'S COOKING AND DOING LAUNDRY YOU FOUND A KEEPER CAN'T YOU JUST HIRE A HOUSECLEANER." Like socially we really do not encourage women do demand truly 50% contributions at home including in those early years at home before kids. We consider men who cook and clean at all such a vast improvement over what most of us grew up with that it's hard to see how those little inequities will grow with kids.

Sounds like it makes more sense to plan on him working for pay and you running the household!

Yes, please ignore what you want and make sure he gets to do whatever TF he prefers.

[Anonymous]

This is why it’s better to divide the tasks. I cook because I like cooking. DH does trash because I hate it and he doesn’t mind. Ditto car stuff (one shared car). I wanted a dog so I walk the dog and do the vet. I am mostly in charge of kid stuff except a few dr specialists he is in charge of. I have no idea when my kids see the dentist - that’s DH’s job. And he does it. If we didn’t assign these things 100%, we’d fight about them; but since we know it’s our sole responsibility, we both do our tasks.

We each do our own laundry so if he lets his sit forever I don’t care. I dump it on the bed to make room for my laundry and the kids’ laundry. I am in charge of kids’ laundry but he will willingly help if I ask and that works fine. I don’t mind doing 60 to his 40 so long as I do it on my more exacting terms, and I do. He’d serve pizza bagels or spaghetti every night if he were the cook; I am not ok with that, but he will eat anything I make. So it works out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It's just really really hard to know for sure what this will look like before you are in it. I am someone who way overestimated how much childcare my DH would do based on him being generally pretty comfortable around kids and saying all the right stuff about sharing the load. But the reality was that he would hide in the bathroom to avoid changing diapers and he can be incredibly impatient through the toddler and preschool years where kids just need a ton of attention and help with learning how to do stuff. And very disappointingly he did not step up with chores or household stuff as I took on more and more of the parenting that he just kind of opted out of -- it's always been about 60-40 in those areas and it stayed that way even as I took on way more childcare and parenting responsibilities and we both worked. But I don't know how I could possibly have known it would go this way when we were dating or even living together or the two years post-marriage and before kids. He isn't a misogynist. He does know how to clean and cook and he does do these things. He's a "good guy" and generally respectful to me. And yet after we had kids our division of labor at home went from 60-40 to like 80-20. And to him because he's doing the same amount of stuff he was doing pre-kids he thinks that should be enough and he just doesn't seem to understand there is SO much more to do with kids.

I really don't know how you fix this. So many women in this boat and the guys are not abusive jerks or anything but also women are doing so much more at home even when working similar jobs.

Okay, ding ding ding! Having a 60/40 split prior to having children is a RED FLAG that you missed. Any competent person should be able to do 50% of a two-adult-no-kid household. Him failing to do that was a RED FLAG. You probably thought it was no big deal and you're such a nice wife, but you should have drawn a line back then and insisted that he do his share. Instead, you taught him that you're happy to do the majority of the work.

I had a huge number of fights with my husband (or fiance at the time) about this stuff, and he honestly did not comprehend why I was being so intense about it, but it's really the only way to ensure that he truly understands you're serious about it and won't pick up his slack.

Sure but almost no women are socialized to think this. Instead they are told over and over again "well men just don't care as much about cleanliness" or "if you nag all the time you won't have a boyfriend at all" or "well marriage is about compromise."

Also if there is even a slight difference in earning then that will be used to justify the disparity sort of subconsciously and the woman will make what she thinks is a small bargain with herself -- she'll do 60% of the work at home if it means she only has to earn 40% of the money. But this becomes a massive compromise when kids show up because that 60% rapidly increases to 80% even though she's still making 40% of the money. And what if her DH burns out or hits a ceiling at work -- she could be earning 50% or more but he's still just doing the 40% of the pre-kids household duties and truly believes it's half of all total house and child responsiblities. And at that point they have kids and household finances premised on them both working. People get stuck.

You can say it's a red flag and it is but you also need to acknowledge that when a newly married or cohabitating woman says "my DH does half the cooking and the laundry but doesn't really do any of the cleaning -- should I worry about this" the overwhelming response will be "BE GRATEFUL HE'S COOKING AND DOING LAUNDRY YOU FOUND A KEEPER CAN'T YOU JUST HIRE A HOUSECLEANER." Like socially we really do not encourage women do demand truly 50% contributions at home including in those early years at home before kids. We consider men who cook and clean at all such a vast improvement over what most of us grew up with that it's hard to see how those little inequities will grow with kids.

This sounds females socializing females. (The last paragraph does not sound like a male/female exchange)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It's just really really hard to know for sure what this will look like before you are in it. I am someone who way overestimated how much childcare my DH would do based on him being generally pretty comfortable around kids and saying all the right stuff about sharing the load. But the reality was that he would hide in the bathroom to avoid changing diapers and he can be incredibly impatient through the toddler and preschool years where kids just need a ton of attention and help with learning how to do stuff. And very disappointingly he did not step up with chores or household stuff as I took on more and more of the parenting that he just kind of opted out of -- it's always been about 60-40 in those areas and it stayed that way even as I took on way more childcare and parenting responsibilities and we both worked. But I don't know how I could possibly have known it would go this way when we were dating or even living together or the two years post-marriage and before kids. He isn't a misogynist. He does know how to clean and cook and he does do these things. He's a "good guy" and generally respectful to me. And yet after we had kids our division of labor at home went from 60-40 to like 80-20. And to him because he's doing the same amount of stuff he was doing pre-kids he thinks that should be enough and he just doesn't seem to understand there is SO much more to do with kids.

I really don't know how you fix this. So many women in this boat and the guys are not abusive jerks or anything but also women are doing so much more at home even when working similar jobs.

Okay, ding ding ding! Having a 60/40 split prior to having children is a RED FLAG that you missed. Any competent person should be able to do 50% of a two-adult-no-kid household. Him failing to do that was a RED FLAG. You probably thought it was no big deal and you're such a nice wife, but you should have drawn a line back then and insisted that he do his share. Instead, you taught him that you're happy to do the majority of the work.

I had a huge number of fights with my husband (or fiance at the time) about this stuff, and he honestly did not comprehend why I was being so intense about it, but it's really the only way to ensure that he truly understands you're serious about it and won't pick up his slack.

Sure but almost no women are socialized to think this. Instead they are told over and over again "well men just don't care as much about cleanliness" or "if you nag all the time you won't have a boyfriend at all" or "well marriage is about compromise."

Also if there is even a slight difference in earning then that will be used to justify the disparity sort of subconsciously and the woman will make what she thinks is a small bargain with herself -- she'll do 60% of the work at home if it means she only has to earn 40% of the money. But this becomes a massive compromise when kids show up because that 60% rapidly increases to 80% even though she's still making 40% of the money. And what if her DH burns out or hits a ceiling at work -- she could be earning 50% or more but he's still just doing the 40% of the pre-kids household duties and truly believes it's half of all total house and child responsiblities. And at that point they have kids and household finances premised on them both working. People get stuck.

You can say it's a red flag and it is but you also need to acknowledge that when a newly married or cohabitating woman says "my DH does half the cooking and the laundry but doesn't really do any of the cleaning -- should I worry about this" the overwhelming response will be "BE GRATEFUL HE'S COOKING AND DOING LAUNDRY YOU FOUND A KEEPER CAN'T YOU JUST HIRE A HOUSECLEANER." Like socially we really do not encourage women do demand truly 50% contributions at home including in those early years at home before kids. We consider men who cook and clean at all such a vast improvement over what most of us grew up with that it's hard to see how those little inequities will grow with kids.

This sounds females socializing females. (The last paragraph does not sound like a male/female exchange)

Yes women are part of society.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It's just really really hard to know for sure what this will look like before you are in it. I am someone who way overestimated how much childcare my DH would do based on him being generally pretty comfortable around kids and saying all the right stuff about sharing the load. But the reality was that he would hide in the bathroom to avoid changing diapers and he can be incredibly impatient through the toddler and preschool years where kids just need a ton of attention and help with learning how to do stuff. And very disappointingly he did not step up with chores or household stuff as I took on more and more of the parenting that he just kind of opted out of -- it's always been about 60-40 in those areas and it stayed that way even as I took on way more childcare and parenting responsibilities and we both worked. But I don't know how I could possibly have known it would go this way when we were dating or even living together or the two years post-marriage and before kids. He isn't a misogynist. He does know how to clean and cook and he does do these things. He's a "good guy" and generally respectful to me. And yet after we had kids our division of labor at home went from 60-40 to like 80-20. And to him because he's doing the same amount of stuff he was doing pre-kids he thinks that should be enough and he just doesn't seem to understand there is SO much more to do with kids.

I really don't know how you fix this. So many women in this boat and the guys are not abusive jerks or anything but also women are doing so much more at home even when working similar jobs.

Okay, ding ding ding! Having a 60/40 split prior to having children is a RED FLAG that you missed. Any competent person should be able to do 50% of a two-adult-no-kid household. Him failing to do that was a RED FLAG. You probably thought it was no big deal and you're such a nice wife, but you should have drawn a line back then and insisted that he do his share. Instead, you taught him that you're happy to do the majority of the work.

I had a huge number of fights with my husband (or fiance at the time) about this stuff, and he honestly did not comprehend why I was being so intense about it, but it's really the only way to ensure that he truly understands you're serious about it and won't pick up his slack.

Sure but almost no women are socialized to think this. Instead they are told over and over again "well men just don't care as much about cleanliness" or "if you nag all the time you won't have a boyfriend at all" or "well marriage is about compromise."

Also if there is even a slight difference in earning then that will be used to justify the disparity sort of subconsciously and the woman will make what she thinks is a small bargain with herself -- she'll do 60% of the work at home if it means she only has to earn 40% of the money. But this becomes a massive compromise when kids show up because that 60% rapidly increases to 80% even though she's still making 40% of the money. And what if her DH burns out or hits a ceiling at work -- she could be earning 50% or more but he's still just doing the 40% of the pre-kids household duties and truly believes it's half of all total house and child responsiblities. And at that point they have kids and household finances premised on them both working. People get stuck.

You can say it's a red flag and it is but you also need to acknowledge that when a newly married or cohabitating woman says "my DH does half the cooking and the laundry but doesn't really do any of the cleaning -- should I worry about this" the overwhelming response will be "BE GRATEFUL HE'S COOKING AND DOING LAUNDRY YOU FOUND A KEEPER CAN'T YOU JUST HIRE A HOUSECLEANER." Like socially we really do not encourage women do demand truly 50% contributions at home including in those early years at home before kids. We consider men who cook and clean at all such a vast improvement over what most of us grew up with that it's hard to see how those little inequities will grow with kids.

This sounds females socializing females. (The last paragraph does not sound like a male/female exchange)

Yes women are part of society.

Yes the socializing is primarily female-to-female socialization?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I get it. I have a DH who likes to claim he "did 4 loads of laundry today" when he's working from home but what he actually did was move 4 loads of laundry through the machines and then pile them all on a chair in the living room where they will stay for days unless I give up and fold them first. I've told him that I don't really consider myself to have done a load of laundry until it's put away and he was like "oh you're too hard on yourself -- I think just getting it cleaned is an accomplishment."

This would break me.

The hardest part of laundry is folding it and putting it away after. If you don't fold it right away then it's wrinkly and you have to look at each thing and decide to fluff it or iron to make it look decent.

Finding a massive unwashed pile of clothing in the hamper is preferable to encountering a mystery stack of wrinkled but clean clothes.

PP here and yes I totally agree. I thought of this example reading OP's post because last week we were both working from home on Friday when he did this and it was a genuine source of stress for me to watch that pile grow throughout the day. I said something to him about it ("maybe we shouldn't do anymore laundry today as it's going to take a while to get through all the folding") and he was like "don't worry about it -- I want to get through all the washing first." The pile sat there all weekend until finally I broke down on Sunday and folded it. I didn't fluff or iron anything because I just refuse but it took me a full hour and I was very irritated. But if I say anything he'll be like "I can't believe you are mad at me for doing the laundry."

It sounds like “we” didn’t do laundry that day… HE did laundry and “we” weren’t involved until you did YOUR share and folded it… an entire week later. I’ll bet HE didn’t complain, though.

Well I was working and didn't have time to fold four loads of laundry that day -- I was working. Turns out he also didn't have time to fold the laundry either because he didn't. Anyone can just move laundry through the machines during little breaks between calls or whatever -- this takes maybe a minute or two per load. So he spent 10 minutes doing laundry on Friday and I spent an hour folding and putting away laundry on Sunday (2 days later not an entire week -- eventually we actually needed those clothes to wear).

Why would he complain about this. He actually thinks he accomplished something but I did more than half of the work.

LOL. Then why the heck didn’t YOU do any of it? By your own admission you were BOTH working from home and yet HE is the only one who did any laundry chores. And I guess you guys don’t sort your laundry or have any delicate or stained items if it only takes a minute or two per load to get them clean.

And finally, folding is not that difficult. Stop being a drama queen.

I didn't do laundry that day because I did not have time to fold it and put it away. I did it on the weekend when I had time to *complete the task.* I didn't want to start a chore and then leave it sitting in the middle of the living room for two days because I don't want a pile of wrinkles clothes sitting in the living room for two days.

If my DH wanted to do laundry he should have done only as many loads as HE could fold and put away that day. But he wants credit for doing the first third of the task (the easiest and least time consuming part). I could have done laundry on Sunday when I was doing stuff around the house anyway and the folded the clothes as they came out if the dryer before they got all wrinkled and I would have been no worse off. But DH wants a cookie for half assing a task and then leaving it for me to finish. He didn't help! It was inefficient and poorly done. Why should I be grateful for that?

He doesn’t want a cookie, though. He just wants you to calm down and get off his back. Your position is literally “if I had done this task I would have done it better than you!” But the fact is that you didn’t do the task! You did *nothing* but are complaining bitterly about him doing *something*!

You could have *easily* folded laundry as he was taking it out if the dryer, but you chose not to because you thought if you pouted enough he would do literally everything on HIS breaks while you did absolutely nothing on your breaks.

I. Was. Working. It was a work day. I was on my computer writing a document that had to go out that day. I did not have 30 minutes breaks through the day to piddle around the house. Instead I just watched while he through pile after pile of laundry on a chair where I knew it would sit until I folded it.

When I do chores around the house, I finish them. I do way more cleaning than he does. I do all the organizing and most of the tidying. I do not halfass any of these activities and expect someone else to finish them for me and then on top of it expect them to be grateful that I "got them started."

1. Your husband was also working, maybe not to “writing a document” level of exertion (lol btw) but working nonetheless
2. You didn’t do any chores to any level of completion, but you are incessantly whining about a chore that was done, objectively, good enough. (Were the clothed clean when you needed them? You already admitted this, and your husband, not you, is the reason you had clean clothes to wear on Monday.)

Look we found the DH who wants extra credit for doing 30% of the laundry.

Oh so no we’re to the point where sorting, washing, and drying is 30% and folding and putting away is 70%.

Do you nuts even hear yourselves?

This is legitimately true. Sorting (why sort? toss everything in together on cold), putting in washer and moving to dryer takes max 4 minutes. Folding, hanging, matching socks, sorting by person etc and putting away a large load of clothes easily takes 10+min. If it takes you more than 4 minutes to dump a basket into one machine and then move that pile into another and then move it back out into a basket....something is wrong.

+1 and also people who think "doing laundry" means running it through the washer and dyer also tend to be the people to not pay any attention to what they are doing and throw stuff in the dryer that needs to be hung up or throw delicates in with the regular wash. Or pull sheets from the dryer that aren't actually dry because they got twisted up or the pillow cases got caught up in the fitted sheet and didn't dry. Then he'll throw that not-dry mess in a basket and leave it for a day until it stinks and has to be washed again. So they not only don't finish the laundry by refusing to fold it and put it away but they also screw up the easiest part of the laundry (putting it in the machines).

I finally solved the sheet thing by just getting rid of all but one set of sheets for each bed so if you wash them you have to put them back on the bed same day. I sincerely wish I could use this same trick on the rest of the clothes and towels. It's pretty much the only way to get anyone in my family to finish laundry because they are all allergic to folding.

Sorry, I can’t let go of this insane laundry hypocrisy! First ya’ll are saying throwing in a load of laundry PLUS putting it in the dryer takes a maximum of four minutes because sorting is stupid and a waste of time, but then in the next breath you complain about NOT sorting (delicates vs regular wash, hang dry vs dryer) and how that’s also wrong. SO WHICH IS IT?

Don’t worry. Whichever you are doing will be wrong.

[Anonymous]

Let’s all keep pretending wrong that sorting, folding, and putting the clean laundry away is the same amount of effort as pressing buttons on the machine.