How to get through to DH that doing 80% doesn't count?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I see you. I literally call my husband Mr. 80%. It’s infuriating. He’ll empty the dishwasher and when he hits 80% it’s like he decides that’s enough - and then just leaves the rest. Projects all done to 80%. He changed the door handles on our front door and left everything out all over the foyer. It’s been two months and he still hasn’t touched up the paint. Ceiling fan replacement- same. He literally can’t complete something.

Ironically he’s all over his laundry but that’s because it only affects him! (When we first moved in together he wanted to combine laundry and I said no way in hell, I see where that’s going).

Weird. When my husband does a home improvement project (changing light fixtures, door handles, cabinets, painting, etc.) I feel like the least I can do is clean up the work area when he’s done. Let him have a well-earned break rather than being annoyed at him for doing something productive that benefits our family.

+1. We look at projects as a team endeavor and try to complete them together. If DH is doing the heavy lifting of fixing, then I help him clean up. It would feel really weird to watch him and not offer to help in some way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I see you. I literally call my husband Mr. 80%. It’s infuriating. He’ll empty the dishwasher and when he hits 80% it’s like he decides that’s enough - and then just leaves the rest. Projects all done to 80%. He changed the door handles on our front door and left everything out all over the foyer. It’s been two months and he still hasn’t touched up the paint. Ceiling fan replacement- same. He literally can’t complete something.

Ironically he’s all over his laundry but that’s because it only affects him! (When we first moved in together he wanted to combine laundry and I said no way in hell, I see where that’s going).

Weird. When my husband does a home improvement project (changing light fixtures, door handles, cabinets, painting, etc.) I feel like the least I can do is clean up the work area when he’s done. Let him have a well-earned break rather than being annoyed at him for doing something productive that benefits our family.

+1. We look at projects as a team endeavor and try to complete them together. If DH is doing the heavy lifting of fixing, then I help him clean up. It would feel really weird to watch him and not offer to help in some way.

I agree! It feels weird to watch your spouse work tirelessly and not help in some way. Yet my DH does it regularly without a second thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I see you. I literally call my husband Mr. 80%. It’s infuriating. He’ll empty the dishwasher and when he hits 80% it’s like he decides that’s enough - and then just leaves the rest. Projects all done to 80%. He changed the door handles on our front door and left everything out all over the foyer. It’s been two months and he still hasn’t touched up the paint. Ceiling fan replacement- same. He literally can’t complete something.

Ironically he’s all over his laundry but that’s because it only affects him! (When we first moved in together he wanted to combine laundry and I said no way in hell, I see where that’s going).

Weird. When my husband does a home improvement project (changing light fixtures, door handles, cabinets, painting, etc.) I feel like the least I can do is clean up the work area when he’s done. Let him have a well-earned break rather than being annoyed at him for doing something productive that benefits our family.

+1. We look at projects as a team endeavor and try to complete them together. If DH is doing the heavy lifting of fixing, then I help him clean up. It would feel really weird to watch him and not offer to help in some way.

I agree! It feels weird to watch your spouse work tirelessly and not help in some way. Yet my DH does it regularly without a second thought.

The flip side is that it’s borderline abusive to expect everyone to jump up and work on what you want them to do at the time you are doing it. You need to ask ahead of time if you expect them to work on your timeline. People are allowed to rest at home.

[Anonymous]

This thread is making me feel guilty because I’m really bad about folding the laundry. We probably do all look wrinkly a little bit.

I do think 80 percent of the job sometimes does what *really* needs to be done. Last night I was the one to remember one of our kids was out of clean swim stuff for camp so I washed and dried it even tit kept me up later than I wanted. It’s all still in the dryer but my kid had his stuff for camp. I would be pissed if my husband complained about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is making me feel guilty because I’m really bad about folding the laundry. We probably do all look wrinkly a little bit.

I do think 80 percent of the job sometimes does what *really* needs to be done. Last night I was the one to remember one of our kids was out of clean swim stuff for camp so I washed and dried it even tit kept me up later than I wanted. It’s all still in the dryer but my kid had his stuff for camp. I would be pissed if my husband complained about that.

+1

My son has multiple baseball games a week, which means I’m washing his uniform multiple times a week. If he can’t find what he needs in his room, he knows the next place to check is the dryer! But his uniform is clean and available when he needs it, which is the actual *important* part of “doing laundry” in my opinion.

Same with doing dishes (washed all the pots and pans and ran the dishwasher but didn’t feel like cleaning the waffle maker because it’s annoying and we won’t use it again for awhile so it can sit for a day or two); cleaning bathrooms (cleaned the mirror, sink, counter, and toilet but didn’t have time to scrub the shower so it’ll just have to wait until next time); vacuuming/mopping (got the high traffic areas but didn’t move furniture or do the baseboards); and so on and so on.

Sometimes good enough is good enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I see you. I literally call my husband Mr. 80%. It’s infuriating. He’ll empty the dishwasher and when he hits 80% it’s like he decides that’s enough - and then just leaves the rest. Projects all done to 80%. He changed the door handles on our front door and left everything out all over the foyer. It’s been two months and he still hasn’t touched up the paint. Ceiling fan replacement- same. He literally can’t complete something.

Ironically he’s all over his laundry but that’s because it only affects him! (When we first moved in together he wanted to combine laundry and I said no way in hell, I see where that’s going).

Weird. When my husband does a home improvement project (changing light fixtures, door handles, cabinets, painting, etc.) I feel like the least I can do is clean up the work area when he’s done. Let him have a well-earned break rather than being annoyed at him for doing something productive that benefits our family.

That could be one way of looking at it. But it doesn’t seem to flow in my direction when I do something that benefits the family, like cooking, pool maintenance, trash bins, general home maintenance. With cooking I still do the clean up bc I got so annoyed that - you got it - only 80% would get done. He literally just leaves stuff behind. So I am responsible for my stuff, which is daily for the most part, and he’s responsible for his stuff, which is not daily. Oh, and the examples I used I asked that they not be done, they weren’t necessary. He switched out a perfectly functional ceiling fan bc “everyone knows” you have to have one with remote control.

And bf you calling me some shrew, I take a lot of pleasure in taking care of my husband. This is an observation of his behavior, not an indictment of him nor a suggestion that he doesn’t care about me. It’s the 80% observation that is just weird to me. And yeah, it’s annoying!

You’re just biased. It would be interesting to read a list of the tasks that your husband thinks you don’t finish, don’t do correctly, or don’t do well. But we won’t, because he’s not wasting his time and energy complaining about his life partner to strangers on the internet.

(Serious question: do you honestly prefer to do 100% of the dishes rather than 20%? This just seems illogical to me.)

Of course I'm biased. I don't think that's a question about anyone on this board. Why is my post singled out? Because I noted that he completes things to 80%? By the way, I've told him this. He's not unaware of how I perceive how he accomplishes things, which is to wonder why he'll wash the pots and not the lids or spoons. I'm not hiding my feelings from him about it and he's of course free to communicate how he perceives my completion rate. I wonder why he never does that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I see you. I literally call my husband Mr. 80%. It’s infuriating. He’ll empty the dishwasher and when he hits 80% it’s like he decides that’s enough - and then just leaves the rest. Projects all done to 80%. He changed the door handles on our front door and left everything out all over the foyer. It’s been two months and he still hasn’t touched up the paint. Ceiling fan replacement- same. He literally can’t complete something.

Ironically he’s all over his laundry but that’s because it only affects him! (When we first moved in together he wanted to combine laundry and I said no way in hell, I see where that’s going).

Weird. When my husband does a home improvement project (changing light fixtures, door handles, cabinets, painting, etc.) I feel like the least I can do is clean up the work area when he’s done. Let him have a well-earned break rather than being annoyed at him for doing something productive that benefits our family.

+1. We look at projects as a team endeavor and try to complete them together. If DH is doing the heavy lifting of fixing, then I help him clean up. It would feel really weird to watch him and not offer to help in some way.

It's not weird to not want to participate in an endeavor you didn't want done in the first place and is unnecessary. And as another PP noted, he doesn't get to tell me when I have to take time out to do something that he decided needed to be done. A quick "hey, I'm going to need some help here, is now a good time or later?" would go a long way. Sure thing then. When I need help (like I need something from the storage area in the garage that I can't reach and I can't be on a ladder - extreme vertigo issues where it's no longer safe for me) I make a habit of saying hey, I'm going to need help some time today on getting that from the garage, can you let me know when it might be good? I don't just decide and dump it on him and call it a team endeavor.

I'm not dumping on my husband like some of you think I am. He just has poor follow through on some tasks. That's it. It doesn't make him unloveable by any means. He's a great guy. And I'm a great woman. We're good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I see you. I literally call my husband Mr. 80%. It’s infuriating. He’ll empty the dishwasher and when he hits 80% it’s like he decides that’s enough - and then just leaves the rest. Projects all done to 80%. He changed the door handles on our front door and left everything out all over the foyer. It’s been two months and he still hasn’t touched up the paint. Ceiling fan replacement- same. He literally can’t complete something.

Ironically he’s all over his laundry but that’s because it only affects him! (When we first moved in together he wanted to combine laundry and I said no way in hell, I see where that’s going).

Weird. When my husband does a home improvement project (changing light fixtures, door handles, cabinets, painting, etc.) I feel like the least I can do is clean up the work area when he’s done. Let him have a well-earned break rather than being annoyed at him for doing something productive that benefits our family.

That could be one way of looking at it. But it doesn’t seem to flow in my direction when I do something that benefits the family, like cooking, pool maintenance, trash bins, general home maintenance. With cooking I still do the clean up bc I got so annoyed that - you got it - only 80% would get done. He literally just leaves stuff behind. So I am responsible for my stuff, which is daily for the most part, and he’s responsible for his stuff, which is not daily. Oh, and the examples I used I asked that they not be done, they weren’t necessary. He switched out a perfectly functional ceiling fan bc “everyone knows” you have to have one with remote control.

And bf you calling me some shrew, I take a lot of pleasure in taking care of my husband. This is an observation of his behavior, not an indictment of him nor a suggestion that he doesn’t care about me. It’s the 80% observation that is just weird to me. And yeah, it’s annoying!

You’re just biased. It would be interesting to read a list of the tasks that your husband thinks you don’t finish, don’t do correctly, or don’t do well. But we won’t, because he’s not wasting his time and energy complaining about his life partner to strangers on the internet.

(Serious question: do you honestly prefer to do 100% of the dishes rather than 20%? This just seems illogical to me.)

Of course I'm biased. I don't think that's a question about anyone on this board. Why is my post singled out? Because I noted that he completes things to 80%? By the way, I've told him this. He's not unaware of how I perceive how he accomplishes things, which is to wonder why he'll wash the pots and not the lids or spoons. I'm not hiding my feelings from him about it and he's of course free to communicate how he perceives my completion rate. I wonder why he never does that.

I’m guessing you think he doesn’t complain because you’re perfect. But I’m guessing he doesn’t complain because it’s unloving, disrespectful, and generally obnoxious behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I see you. I literally call my husband Mr. 80%. It’s infuriating. He’ll empty the dishwasher and when he hits 80% it’s like he decides that’s enough - and then just leaves the rest. Projects all done to 80%. He changed the door handles on our front door and left everything out all over the foyer. It’s been two months and he still hasn’t touched up the paint. Ceiling fan replacement- same. He literally can’t complete something.

Ironically he’s all over his laundry but that’s because it only affects him! (When we first moved in together he wanted to combine laundry and I said no way in hell, I see where that’s going).

Weird. When my husband does a home improvement project (changing light fixtures, door handles, cabinets, painting, etc.) I feel like the least I can do is clean up the work area when he’s done. Let him have a well-earned break rather than being annoyed at him for doing something productive that benefits our family.

+1. We look at projects as a team endeavor and try to complete them together. If DH is doing the heavy lifting of fixing, then I help him clean up. It would feel really weird to watch him and not offer to help in some way.

It's not weird to not want to participate in an endeavor you didn't want done in the first place and is unnecessary. And as another PP noted, he doesn't get to tell me when I have to take time out to do something that he decided needed to be done. A quick "hey, I'm going to need some help here, is now a good time or later?" would go a long way. Sure thing then. When I need help (like I need something from the storage area in the garage that I can't reach and I can't be on a ladder - extreme vertigo issues where it's no longer safe for me) I make a habit of saying hey, I'm going to need help some time today on getting that from the garage, can you let me know when it might be good? I don't just decide and dump it on him and call it a team endeavor.

I'm not dumping on my husband like some of you think I am. He just has poor follow through on some tasks. That's it. It doesn't make him unloveable by any means. He's a great guy. And I'm a great woman. We're good.

First, you are absolutely dumping on him. What would you describe grousing about him to complete strangers as doing? Respecting him?

Second, nobody said that it’s expected for you to help - but the implication is it’s crappy to not only NOT offer to help but to also criticize the work someone else is doing, or the timetable by which they’re doing it. If you don’t want to participate, don’t, but don’t engage in back seat driving either.

Third, you decided these things didn’t need to be done, but so many women fail to understand that this attitude cuts both ways. (Maybe he thinks touching up the paint is unnecessary, for example.)

Obviously do whatever you want, but for your own sake I hope that you realize that pointing out all of your husband’s perceived flaws in order to commiserate with random bitter strangers on the internet is not healthy for you or your marriage, especially if you really do think your husband is great. Misery loves company and some of these toxic complainers will try to drag you down with them.

[Anonymous]

I think it's hilarious that someone points out that her husband does tasks to 80% completion and the answer is for her to do more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I see you. I literally call my husband Mr. 80%. It’s infuriating. He’ll empty the dishwasher and when he hits 80% it’s like he decides that’s enough - and then just leaves the rest. Projects all done to 80%. He changed the door handles on our front door and left everything out all over the foyer. It’s been two months and he still hasn’t touched up the paint. Ceiling fan replacement- same. He literally can’t complete something.

Ironically he’s all over his laundry but that’s because it only affects him! (When we first moved in together he wanted to combine laundry and I said no way in hell, I see where that’s going).

Weird. When my husband does a home improvement project (changing light fixtures, door handles, cabinets, painting, etc.) I feel like the least I can do is clean up the work area when he’s done. Let him have a well-earned break rather than being annoyed at him for doing something productive that benefits our family.

+1. We look at projects as a team endeavor and try to complete them together. If DH is doing the heavy lifting of fixing, then I help him clean up. It would feel really weird to watch him and not offer to help in some way.

It's not weird to not want to participate in an endeavor you didn't want done in the first place and is unnecessary. And as another PP noted, he doesn't get to tell me when I have to take time out to do something that he decided needed to be done. A quick "hey, I'm going to need some help here, is now a good time or later?" would go a long way. Sure thing then. When I need help (like I need something from the storage area in the garage that I can't reach and I can't be on a ladder - extreme vertigo issues where it's no longer safe for me) I make a habit of saying hey, I'm going to need help some time today on getting that from the garage, can you let me know when it might be good? I don't just decide and dump it on him and call it a team endeavor.

I'm not dumping on my husband like some of you think I am. He just has poor follow through on some tasks. That's it. It doesn't make him unloveable by any means. He's a great guy. And I'm a great woman. We're good.

First, you are absolutely dumping on him. What would you describe grousing about him to complete strangers as doing? Respecting him?

Second, nobody said that it’s expected for you to help - but the implication is it’s crappy to not only NOT offer to help but to also criticize the work someone else is doing, or the timetable by which they’re doing it. If you don’t want to participate, don’t, but don’t engage in back seat driving either.

Third, you decided these things didn’t need to be done, but so many women fail to understand that this attitude cuts both ways. (Maybe he thinks touching up the paint is unnecessary, for example.)

Obviously do whatever you want, but for your own sake I hope that you realize that pointing out all of your husband’s perceived flaws in order to commiserate with random bitter strangers on the internet is not healthy for you or your marriage, especially if you really do think your husband is great. Misery loves company and some of these toxic complainers will try to drag you down with them.

Well, our HOA would disagree with you about the paint. I personally don't give a crap if it's painted or not. I personally didn't give a crap if we got a new door handle. He can make these improvements all he wants. But he needs to finish them, and he doesn't get to decide for me that I have to be involved in them. Why is that so hard for people to grasp? People absolutely responded that it's weird that it's not a "team endeavor." Well, for it be a team endeavor, it has to be agreed upon to begin with. Don't you agree? You can't just declare something a team endeavor and then gripe to the person who was never part of the decision that they now have to be part of it.

And again, making observations isn't dumping on him. Asking him to clean up after himself is actually something I shouldn't have to point out, but I do, because I don't want to build resentment. Why are men given such a pass to perform only part of the way? If he starts something, he should finish it. Isn't that we teach our children?

I don't need your advice on how to interact online. I commiserated with the OP of this post, who observed the exact same behavior that I see in my husband in her spouse. You don't need to be involved at all. I have been very clear I love taking care of him and that he's a great guy. Why isn't that enough for you to the point where you have to make grant statements about my marriage? You don't know me. Get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I see you. I literally call my husband Mr. 80%. It’s infuriating. He’ll empty the dishwasher and when he hits 80% it’s like he decides that’s enough - and then just leaves the rest. Projects all done to 80%. He changed the door handles on our front door and left everything out all over the foyer. It’s been two months and he still hasn’t touched up the paint. Ceiling fan replacement- same. He literally can’t complete something.

Ironically he’s all over his laundry but that’s because it only affects him! (When we first moved in together he wanted to combine laundry and I said no way in hell, I see where that’s going).

Weird. When my husband does a home improvement project (changing light fixtures, door handles, cabinets, painting, etc.) I feel like the least I can do is clean up the work area when he’s done. Let him have a well-earned break rather than being annoyed at him for doing something productive that benefits our family.

+1. We look at projects as a team endeavor and try to complete them together. If DH is doing the heavy lifting of fixing, then I help him clean up. It would feel really weird to watch him and not offer to help in some way.

I agree! It feels weird to watch your spouse work tirelessly and not help in some way. Yet my DH does it regularly without a second thought.

The flip side is that it’s borderline abusive to expect everyone to jump up and work on what you want them to do at the time you are doing it. You need to ask ahead of time if you expect them to work on your timeline. People are allowed to rest at home.

I agree with you both! I think it depends on the task. Letting a spouse clean up the whole kitchen after you all enjoyed a meal together is rude -- you don't have to do the exact same amount of work but in that situation I do think you can postpone relaxing for a few minutes to pitch in. Same with getting the kids ready for school or preparing the house for visitors -- certain tasks are time sensitive and saying "well this isn't the timeline I want to do this on" is really unconvincing. And yes that means I'm kind of rigid about cleaning up the kitchen same day and not letting dirty dishes sit out overnight. That unhygenic and makes the house smell.

But any non-time-sensistive chore I agree. If one person wants to get up and start doing laundry first thing or likes to vacuum on Sunday afternoons or whatever it's ridiculous to expect the other person to drop whatever they were doing to pitch in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I see you. I literally call my husband Mr. 80%. It’s infuriating. He’ll empty the dishwasher and when he hits 80% it’s like he decides that’s enough - and then just leaves the rest. Projects all done to 80%. He changed the door handles on our front door and left everything out all over the foyer. It’s been two months and he still hasn’t touched up the paint. Ceiling fan replacement- same. He literally can’t complete something.

Ironically he’s all over his laundry but that’s because it only affects him! (When we first moved in together he wanted to combine laundry and I said no way in hell, I see where that’s going).

Weird. When my husband does a home improvement project (changing light fixtures, door handles, cabinets, painting, etc.) I feel like the least I can do is clean up the work area when he’s done. Let him have a well-earned break rather than being annoyed at him for doing something productive that benefits our family.

That could be one way of looking at it. But it doesn’t seem to flow in my direction when I do something that benefits the family, like cooking, pool maintenance, trash bins, general home maintenance. With cooking I still do the clean up bc I got so annoyed that - you got it - only 80% would get done. He literally just leaves stuff behind. So I am responsible for my stuff, which is daily for the most part, and he’s responsible for his stuff, which is not daily. Oh, and the examples I used I asked that they not be done, they weren’t necessary. He switched out a perfectly functional ceiling fan bc “everyone knows” you have to have one with remote control.

And bf you calling me some shrew, I take a lot of pleasure in taking care of my husband. This is an observation of his behavior, not an indictment of him nor a suggestion that he doesn’t care about me. It’s the 80% observation that is just weird to me. And yeah, it’s annoying!

You’re just biased. It would be interesting to read a list of the tasks that your husband thinks you don’t finish, don’t do correctly, or don’t do well. But we won’t, because he’s not wasting his time and energy complaining about his life partner to strangers on the internet.

(Serious question: do you honestly prefer to do 100% of the dishes rather than 20%? This just seems illogical to me.)

Of course I'm biased. I don't think that's a question about anyone on this board. Why is my post singled out? Because I noted that he completes things to 80%? By the way, I've told him this. He's not unaware of how I perceive how he accomplishes things, which is to wonder why he'll wash the pots and not the lids or spoons. I'm not hiding my feelings from him about it and he's of course free to communicate how he perceives my completion rate. I wonder why he never does that.

I’m guessing you think he doesn’t complain because you’re perfect. But I’m guessing he doesn’t complain because it’s unloving, disrespectful, and generally obnoxious behavior.

NP here. It's like you were just dropped down onto Earth, the way you keep arguing your point that runs contrary to every study that's ever been done on the topic.

[Anonymous]

I guess I do a lot of 80%. Sometimes not all the dishes fit in the dishwasher, so I set them aside for the next load. I think there’s some empty grocery bags on the counter at this very moment, mostly because I had to run out to drop a kid off at practice, and I will get back to putting it all away.

[Anonymous]

Could this not have been solved by saying "thanks for doing the laundry, sweetheart, but it stresses me out to have it sitting there staring at me waiting to be folded -- I really prefer to save it until there's time to do the whole job." then he can say "okay, would it be better to put it out of sight?" or "okay, next time I'll do one load and fold it instead of doing four loads" or "okay, next time I'll leave it for you to handle on the weekend."