My wife thinks I need to see a therapist, I think I'm aware of my problems

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems that some who had messed up family lives are not convinced by OP’s “I’m fine” stance. People in such families get very used to their emotional needs not being met and it becomes normal to them.

And his insistence that he couldn’t possibly benefit from any way about talking about his parents and his emotions with a trained professional also seems suspect.

But, whatever, it’s his life.

I'm the 500 word essay poster. You know I think many things can be true depending on where you are

1) If you have had a lot of trauma, talking through it can be helpful if you are open to it

2) If you have a lot of trauma and difficult family members, you can make choices that from the outside make it look like you haven't processed your issues but in fact the boundaries you set that seem strange to others are in fact you acknowledging that your situation is different than the norm and you can protect yourself and your loved ones without feeling bad about it and that is actually a sign of health even though to others it can seem like a sign of sickness

3) Over dwelling on trauma can prevent you from choosing happiness in spite of your childhood (this should not be confused with repressing and never dealing with your issues)

4) Even if you believe you're in a good place and have processed and live a happy life healthily acknowledging trauma but not letting it define you (with or without therapy), events in your life or your children's life could trigger outsized reactions based on that trauma and anyone who has experienced serious issues in their childhood should be open to this possibility so they can recognize it if it happens

IMO victims of trauma and people who enforce boundaries with their family are told to question their interpretation of reality a lot. Believing in your own experience of reality and making choices based on it and not having that sense of reality waver in the face of questioning is actually a hard place to get to. Sure OP could be repressing things, or he could be right, but he's allowed to believe in his own mind. He should talk to the only person who actually matters other than him here, which is his wife, who either is projecting or seeing something in him that concerns her. He should get to the bottom of that, but none of us here in DCUM-land know his mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think we’ve covered pretty exhaustively that “paying someone to pick it over and bring it all back up” is not what good therapy is *at all*

People have discussed how therapy help them in ways that go way beyond mere platitudes, but you are ignoring all that

You must be really threatened by the idea of talking over your life with someone trained, who has insight, who might challenge you to change yourself and your default ways of being.

That must be very frightening for you. Or you would not be so invested in dismissing the possibility that it could be beneficial to your relationships with loved ones like your children and wife

Meditate, ride your bike— These are things done alone. I can see why they are so attractive to you. They don’t threaten your way of being an allow you to have total control. You seem full of rigid defenses and you have to diss therapy Because if it’s useless, then you are justified in not really trying it

My wife specifically believes that I need to unpack my relationship with my father and his behavior, so that is why we keep returning to the theme of "paying someone to pick it over and bring it all back up."

I'm not objecting to parent coaching, CBT, meditation, exercise, journaling, or personal growth and self-healing of a wide variety of kinds. I'm asking about the belief that if you have trauma it has to be talked over with a paid professional.

You could just as easily ask why it is ever worth consulting or hiring any kind of professional instead of doing everything yourself. Why visit an MD? Why not just read up on stuff?

In general, people who have experienced trauma benefit from an outside expert in social, mental, perception, behavioral, and emotional states and processes. Maybe you are the rare exception. That is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think we’ve covered pretty exhaustively that “paying someone to pick it over and bring it all back up” is not what good therapy is *at all*

People have discussed how therapy help them in ways that go way beyond mere platitudes, but you are ignoring all that

You must be really threatened by the idea of talking over your life with someone trained, who has insight, who might challenge you to change yourself and your default ways of being.

That must be very frightening for you. Or you would not be so invested in dismissing the possibility that it could be beneficial to your relationships with loved ones like your children and wife

Meditate, ride your bike— These are things done alone. I can see why they are so attractive to you. They don’t threaten your way of being an allow you to have total control. You seem full of rigid defenses and you have to diss therapy Because if it’s useless, then you are justified in not really trying it

My wife specifically believes that I need to unpack my relationship with my father and his behavior, so that is why we keep returning to the theme of "paying someone to pick it over and bring it all back up."

I'm not objecting to parent coaching, CBT, meditation, exercise, journaling, or personal growth and self-healing of a wide variety of kinds. I'm asking about the belief that if you have trauma it has to be talked over with a paid professional.

You could just as easily ask why it is ever worth consulting or hiring any kind of professional instead of doing everything yourself. Why visit an MD? Why not just read up on stuff?

In general, people who have experienced trauma benefit from an outside expert in social, mental, perception, behavioral, and emotional states and processes. Maybe you are the rare exception. That is fine.

I don’t think therapists have the same kind of endorsement that plumbers for a clogged pipe do. There’s only one way to solve that.

I think there are a lot of people, like MDs who would say try an RX rather than wasting time talking about your daddy.

[Anonymous]

I disagree. You can do an Angie for these professionals. There are A LOT of them and there are many who are poor quality. Some can waste your precious time. Expend your resources and not make any progress.

Hence, that’s why people recommend searching (choosing and leaving if necessary) for someone that clicks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree. You can do an Angie for these professionals. There are A LOT of them and there are many who are poor quality. Some can waste your precious time. Expend your resources and not make any progress.

Hence, that’s why people recommend searching (choosing and leaving if necessary) for someone that clicks.

No I mean if you have a clogged drain, it’s not like one guy comes over with a snake and another guy comes over and says “let’s talk about that time you wet your pants in third grade” and then we debate who will get the clog cleared.

There’s on right answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree. You can do an Angie for these professionals. There are A LOT of them and there are many who are poor quality. Some can waste your precious time. Expend your resources and not make any progress.

Hence, that’s why people recommend searching (choosing and leaving if necessary) for someone that clicks.

No I mean if you have a clogged drain, it’s not like one guy comes over with a snake and another guy comes over and says “let’s talk about that time you wet your pants in third grade” and then we debate who will get the clog cleared.

There’s on right answer.

And if your drain keeps clogging are you going to keep calling the same plumber with the snake or are you going to looking around for someone else who can fix the problem for good? Maybe you have roots growing in your pipes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think we’ve covered pretty exhaustively that “paying someone to pick it over and bring it all back up” is not what good therapy is *at all*

People have discussed how therapy help them in ways that go way beyond mere platitudes, but you are ignoring all that

You must be really threatened by the idea of talking over your life with someone trained, who has insight, who might challenge you to change yourself and your default ways of being.

That must be very frightening for you. Or you would not be so invested in dismissing the possibility that it could be beneficial to your relationships with loved ones like your children and wife

Meditate, ride your bike— These are things done alone. I can see why they are so attractive to you. They don’t threaten your way of being an allow you to have total control. You seem full of rigid defenses and you have to diss therapy Because if it’s useless, then you are justified in not really trying it

My wife specifically believes that I need to unpack my relationship with my father and his behavior, so that is why we keep returning to the theme of "paying someone to pick it over and bring it all back up."

I'm not objecting to parent coaching, CBT, meditation, exercise, journaling, or personal growth and self-healing of a wide variety of kinds. I'm asking about the belief that if you have trauma it has to be talked over with a paid professional.

You could just as easily ask why it is ever worth consulting or hiring any kind of professional instead of doing everything yourself. Why visit an MD? Why not just read up on stuff?

In general, people who have experienced trauma benefit from an outside expert in social, mental, perception, behavioral, and emotional states and processes. Maybe you are the rare exception. That is fine.

95% of the time I see an MD, it’s because I don’t have the legal authority to order tests or prescribe medication. Yes, I know my kid has an infection, please just give me the antibiotics. Of course, it’s nice to have them when something unusual is happening or if you need surgery or something, but a lot of the time you really don’t need an expert.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree. You can do an Angie for these professionals. There are A LOT of them and there are many who are poor quality. Some can waste your precious time. Expend your resources and not make any progress.

Hence, that’s why people recommend searching (choosing and leaving if necessary) for someone that clicks.

No I mean if you have a clogged drain, it’s not like one guy comes over with a snake and another guy comes over and says “let’s talk about that time you wet your pants in third grade” and then we debate who will get the clog cleared.

There’s on right answer.

And if your drain keeps clogging are you going to keep calling the same plumber with the snake or are you going to looking around for someone else who can fix the problem for good? Maybe you have roots growing in your pipes.

But it's still not the guy who wants to talk about me wetting my pants, it's just another plumber.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree. You can do an Angie for these professionals. There are A LOT of them and there are many who are poor quality. Some can waste your precious time. Expend your resources and not make any progress.

Hence, that’s why people recommend searching (choosing and leaving if necessary) for someone that clicks.

No I mean if you have a clogged drain, it’s not like one guy comes over with a snake and another guy comes over and says “let’s talk about that time you wet your pants in third grade” and then we debate who will get the clog cleared.

There’s on right answer.

And if your drain keeps clogging are you going to keep calling the same plumber with the snake or are you going to looking around for someone else who can fix the problem for good? Maybe you have roots growing in your pipes.

But it's still not the guy who wants to talk about me wetting my pants, it's just another plumber.

Your pants have nothing to do with your plumbing problem. So yeah, don’t hire the guy who wants to talk about your pants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree. You can do an Angie for these professionals. There are A LOT of them and there are many who are poor quality. Some can waste your precious time. Expend your resources and not make any progress.

Hence, that’s why people recommend searching (choosing and leaving if necessary) for someone that clicks.

No I mean if you have a clogged drain, it’s not like one guy comes over with a snake and another guy comes over and says “let’s talk about that time you wet your pants in third grade” and then we debate who will get the clog cleared.

There’s on right answer.

And if your drain keeps clogging are you going to keep calling the same plumber with the snake or are you going to looking around for someone else who can fix the problem for good? Maybe you have roots growing in your pipes.

But it's still not the guy who wants to talk about me wetting my pants, it's just another plumber.

Your pants have nothing to do with your plumbing problem. So yeah, don’t hire the guy who wants to talk about your pants.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP none of us can explain to you why your wife is insisting on therapy; personally, I have a hard time imagining she is pushing this hard because she wants you to have some deeper understanding of your childhood. People generally push for change when current circumstances are problematic, which leads me to believe that your behavior with her and your kids affects them in a way you’re unable or unwilling to accept. 13 pages of you pushing back on therapy and arguing with posters provides a pretty good clue of how you respond to the people in your home. I’m pretty pragmatic and I don’t believe in endless talk therapy either, but the issue isn’t whether that’s good or bad, the issue is whether or not whatever you’re doing at home is successful. If your wife is still pushing for you to do something that you’re not doing, consider that whatever solutions you’ve found at this time aren’t doing the trick. And ignore that reality at your peril.

Here’s a reason - she comes from a different background, has her own childhood trauma that she feels comfortable talking with a therapist to sort out, perhaps has her own trauma with my dysfunctional family that she would like to talk to someone to sort out and she has a tough believing I could work through my own trauma without going to someone about it. But we’re different.

If you want to talk about what’s become clear over the last 13 pages is that, actually, I already do quite a few things that most people consider “therapy” and I am very happy with them. By most people’s standards, apparently, I am doing therapy. Maybe I could benefit from cbt, which I’d never heard of? I keep talking about it because I find it interesting.

What was her trauma with your dysfunctional family—and why are you writing about it as though it has nothing to do with this?

My dad sucks and has also been nasty to her. One of the reasons I chose not to engage with him anymore.

Your terseness about all of this is remarkable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted about the different abilities of therapists. I knew usually within three sessions whether they seemed good or not. You should interview several therapists, tell them about your concerns about going to therapy, and see how they respond. There’s a lot of ineffable, subtle ways that people can either connect or not. If the therapist seems like a clown, don’t go back. Find one you respect and who seems wise.

I too used to think it was a mistake to “dwell” on the past, recount my misery to a stranger, etc. But if your go-to coping strategy is emotional suppression and avoidance, which is common in f’d up families, that will not serve you well going forward with loved ones you want to be close to.

Do you want to continue to grow as a person, and learn new skills—or just settle for who you are now, with no growth? Can you admit that seeing someone who has a *lot* of experience/insight in the ways of f’d up families and their aftermath might be useful—or do you think that you, uniquely, can see yourself fully and can effect changes/insight all on your lonesome, with no help?

Effective therapy is a relationship between two people, who talk together and find a way to improve relationships in general. Your whole thing of “don’t dwell” and “I can go it alone”—buddy, that is such typical thinking from f’d up family dynamics. That kind of stoicism shuts others out. There is a difference between “dwelling” on past pains and “working through” them.

Your current rigid stance may have been protective in your family of origin but now it’s likely limiting your ability to connect with others and learn new ways of being. Your wife likely sees you in ways that you do not see yourself. You think you are “fine” with how you are now, but that is likely because you have not known the more emotionally free way of being that people without family trauma enjoy. A therapist could help you see options and take emotional risks and loosen up.

So, there's just a default belief that if you have trauma, it MUST be unpacked by a stranger who is paid to listen or you can't be happy or a person who can grow? See where the skepticism starts to seep in?

It’s not a “default belief.” It is founded in experience. The odds that you can successfully rehabilitate trauma that is severe enough to be causing problems in your principal relationship without the assistance of a trained professional are near zero. The issue is not whether you can “be happy” or “grow”—it is whether and how you exist in relationship to the people closest to you. When your pattern for that is bad, it tends to go badly.

Why would you want to bet on a DIY approach working?

[Anonymous]

The way you do not describe having grieved the relationship with your father is also notable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The way you do not describe having grieved the relationship with your father is also notable.

I’ve had 40+ years, how much longer do I have to grieve over it before you’re satisfied?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted about the different abilities of therapists. I knew usually within three sessions whether they seemed good or not. You should interview several therapists, tell them about your concerns about going to therapy, and see how they respond. There’s a lot of ineffable, subtle ways that people can either connect or not. If the therapist seems like a clown, don’t go back. Find one you respect and who seems wise.

I too used to think it was a mistake to “dwell” on the past, recount my misery to a stranger, etc. But if your go-to coping strategy is emotional suppression and avoidance, which is common in f’d up families, that will not serve you well going forward with loved ones you want to be close to.

Do you want to continue to grow as a person, and learn new skills—or just settle for who you are now, with no growth? Can you admit that seeing someone who has a *lot* of experience/insight in the ways of f’d up families and their aftermath might be useful—or do you think that you, uniquely, can see yourself fully and can effect changes/insight all on your lonesome, with no help?

Effective therapy is a relationship between two people, who talk together and find a way to improve relationships in general. Your whole thing of “don’t dwell” and “I can go it alone”—buddy, that is such typical thinking from f’d up family dynamics. That kind of stoicism shuts others out. There is a difference between “dwelling” on past pains and “working through” them.

Your current rigid stance may have been protective in your family of origin but now it’s likely limiting your ability to connect with others and learn new ways of being. Your wife likely sees you in ways that you do not see yourself. You think you are “fine” with how you are now, but that is likely because you have not known the more emotionally free way of being that people without family trauma enjoy. A therapist could help you see options and take emotional risks and loosen up.

So, there's just a default belief that if you have trauma, it MUST be unpacked by a stranger who is paid to listen or you can't be happy or a person who can grow? See where the skepticism starts to seep in?

It’s not a “default belief.” It is founded in experience. The odds that you can successfully rehabilitate trauma that is severe enough to be causing problems in your principal relationship without the assistance of a trained professional are near zero. The issue is not whether you can “be happy” or “grow”—it is whether and how you exist in relationship to the people closest to you. When your pattern for that is bad, it tends to go badly.

Why would you want to bet on a DIY approach working?

Well, as I’ve made clear, I’m not DIYing anything, working hard to identify my issues and working to improve them.

I know exactly how I feel about my father, I’ve taken very thoughtful steps to address our relationship and I’m very proud of what I’ve done - for myself, my wife and my kids. Why do I have to tear all that apart and go through it again? I’ve actually faced it, addressed it and am now moving on. And none of it is DIY. It just doesn’t involve paying a stranger to dig up unhappy moments.