Reply to My wife thinks I need to see a therapist, I think I'm aware of my problems

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I posted about the different abilities of therapists. I knew usually within three sessions whether they seemed good or not. You should interview several therapists, tell them about your concerns about going to therapy, and see how they respond. There’s a lot of ineffable, subtle ways that people can either connect or not. If the therapist seems like a clown, don’t go back. Find one you respect and who seems wise.

I too used to think it was a mistake to “dwell” on the past, recount my misery to a stranger, etc. But if your go-to coping strategy is emotional suppression and avoidance, which is common in f’d up families, that will not serve you well going forward with loved ones you want to be close to.

Do you want to continue to grow as a person, and learn new skills—or just settle for who you are now, with no growth? Can you admit that seeing someone who has a *lot* of experience/insight in the ways of f’d up families and their aftermath might be useful—or do you think that you, uniquely, can see yourself fully and can effect changes/insight all on your lonesome, with no help?

Effective therapy is a relationship between two people, who talk together and find a way to improve relationships in general. Your whole thing of “don’t dwell” and “I can go it alone”—buddy, that is such typical thinking from f’d up family dynamics. That kind of stoicism shuts others out. There is a difference between “dwelling” on past pains and “working through” them.

Your current rigid stance may have been protective in your family of origin but now it’s likely limiting your ability to connect with others and learn new ways of being. Your wife likely sees you in ways that you do not see yourself. You think you are “fine” with how you are now, but that is likely because you have not known the more emotionally free way of being that people without family trauma enjoy.  A therapist could help you see options and take emotional risks and loosen up. [/quote]

So, there's just a default belief that if you have trauma, it MUST be unpacked by a stranger who is paid to listen or you can't be happy or a person who can grow? See where the skepticism starts to seep in?[/quote]

It’s not a “default belief.” It is founded in experience. The odds that you can successfully rehabilitate trauma that is severe enough to be causing problems in your principal relationship without the assistance of a trained professional are near zero. The issue is not whether you can “be happy” or “grow”—it is whether and how you exist in relationship to the people closest to you. When your pattern for that is bad, it tends to go badly.

Why would you want to bet on a DIY approach working?[/quote]

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