My wife thinks I need to see a therapist, I think I'm aware of my problems

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go to a dbt family therapy course. Instead of talking about the past and trying to change your feelings, it focuses on coping and interpersonal skills for the whole family. It’s not just about you.

Insteppc. Com

As kinda incoherent as this is, it makes sense and is reasonable—forward facing, practical, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think we’ve covered pretty exhaustively that “paying someone to pick it over and bring it all back up” is not what good therapy is *at all*

People have discussed how therapy help them in ways that go way beyond mere platitudes, but you are ignoring all that

You must be really threatened by the idea of talking over your life with someone trained, who has insight, who might challenge you to change yourself and your default ways of being.

That must be very frightening for you. Or you would not be so invested in dismissing the possibility that it could be beneficial to your relationships with loved ones like your children and wife

Meditate, ride your bike— These are things done alone. I can see why they are so attractive to you. They don’t threaten your way of being an allow you to have total control. You seem full of rigid defenses and you have to diss therapy Because if it’s useless, then you are justified in not really trying it

My wife specifically believes that I need to unpack my relationship with my father and his behavior, so that is why we keep returning to the theme of "paying someone to pick it over and bring it all back up."

I'm not objecting to parent coaching, CBT, meditation, exercise, journaling, or personal growth and self-healing of a wide variety of kinds. I'm asking about the belief that if you have trauma it has to be talked over with a paid professional.

For nany trauma survivors, we do what works until it doesn't work. It doesn't sound like op is out of control or at risk of harming self or others. For some trauma survivors, it's important to feel a sense of mastery over ones feelings and actions...relying on a therapist is a big ask in that case.

[Anonymous]

I think you absolutely should judge her for her decisions.
She had a duty to protect you. So did your father. If they failed in that duty, You should be outraged with them. They had choices.
Oh, you can understand them. And you can sympathize with them. And you can love them.
But it’s not your duty to protect them from legitimate anger. It was their job to protect you not, vice versa.
If you have a lot of anger about this, that you are not dealing with, it will come out in relationships with other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you absolutely should judge her for her decisions.
She had a duty to protect you. So did your father. If they failed in that duty, You should be outraged with them. They had choices.
Oh, you can understand them. And you can sympathize with them. And you can love them.
But it’s not your duty to protect them from legitimate anger. It was their job to protect you not, vice versa.
If you have a lot of anger about this, that you are not dealing with, it will come out in relationships with other people.

Her decisions are hers. I can't change them. She tries hard to be a good grandmother to my kids, is a positive influence in their life and despite her relationship with my dad has always been supportive of me. I wish she had the strength to do what is right, but I can only change myself.

[Anonymous]

OP I read a couple pages and you seem a little closed off to the ide that therapy could work for you so I don't know if this will help but in case it does I will answer honestly.

First, the therapist in question matters, not just their own personal skill set but how the mesh with you. So you might have to try a few to see what works for you.

Secondly, I think its plausible that sure you don't need to see a therapist but I do think that if you have a spouse encouraging this repeatedly that you may be acting in ways that make her feel nervous/uncomfortable and she is unable to communicate that accurately but cares about you so is suggesting therapy. I would consider my spouse encouraging me to go to therapy as their communicating both that they are worried about me and that my behavior in some respect is making our life worse/more stressful and that is something serious to consider.

Ok so my experience. I had a childhood that was not like, ideal. A lot of neglect, alcoholism, divorce, personality disordered mother, parentification etc. Culminating in kind of an implosion of many family members in my 20s where one of my siblings actually died. So its like, fine whatever but I have some legitimate trauma, just to set that as an established fact. I was also the oldest daughter in this household and for many reasons had to 'hold it together' when no one else around me was doing that. I am the one who just put on my big girl pants and dealt with shi*t. From like, age 10, earlier?

And so I spent much of my 20s/30s believing I was just fine. But having kids and in particular having children reach milestone ages where I was given outsized responsibility really like, awakened some crap in my brain. And I was, IMO, doing just kind compartmentalizing that per usual until there was a large event (a fight with one of my parents) that really just sent me SPIRALING. I was still IMO a fine parent during this period but I was really struggling emotionally and really on edge that was in fact being reflected in my interactions with my husband and children. I think fortunately for me this was kind of an acute crisis that got me to reach out to therapists because I was like wow something is WRONG. Without this event, I think my standard emotional strength and willpower would have had me believing I was exactly like you describe yourself.

But so anyway I went to therapy and I have gotten an INCREDIBLE amount of value out of it. There is nothing I can do about my 'bad' parent. But I was, without even fully realizing, accepting a tremendous level of like, background noise stress in my life. Whenever the phone would ring and I'd see her name I would feel that pang of anxiety. Whenever I would interact with family I would just be uncomfortable, itchy, on edge. And critically I was not even fully aware of this, it was just life. But that background stress kind of made me a little bit of a pressure cooker. And talking with a therapist, in a safe space, about all the difficult feelings I have about my parents and family and upbringing allowed me to examine my own reactions and behavior with a little distance. It allowed me to hear from someone else 'yeah that was not a normal way to live' which was very validating. It has not resulted in me having some huge breakthrough conversations with my relatives but what it has done is given me a much healthier relationship with myself. And it has helped me to see when I am acting in a way that passes some of my own issues down to my kids and try to adjust.

Even today, I will bring something up and be like 'this is no big deal its fine I'm over it' and my therapist will challenge me to, at minimum, see that even if I'm ok with it, it wasn't ok or good and its ok that I acknowledge that. That I give myself a pat on the back for overcoming it. Its ok to say, 'I'm going to make sure I don't do that to my own kids.' And I have been shocked at how impactful this has been.

But critically, I didn't talk about much serious for months with my therapist. Not intentionally, I am just a very guarded person and again, none of my trauma is a big deal, I'm over it, I survived, I accept them etc (this was my script for my whole life!). But over the weeks, as I began to trust her (my therapist), she started to ask harder questions, and I started to feel more comfortable talking. And then I was very surprised at what came out of my sessions. And it did not feel in the moments like it worked. It felt in the moment many times like I was just bringing up painful memories for no reason. Like I was stirring up my trauma like dust at Chernobyl, doing nothing but poisoning myself again. But in reality, it was more like breaking a bone that healed wrong to reset it the right way. And three years later I feel like a new person and I'm really not entirely sure how it happened.

I have better tools to interact with my family, I'm more aware of the effect they have on me and how to manage it, I'm much more empathic and forgiving to the kid me, who did the best they could, and I'm a better parent. But it only worked because I went in at rock bottom fully believing I needed to put my whole heart into doing SOMETHING. And if I hadn't had that fight with my dad I'm not sure I'd have ever gotten there. But I'm glad I did it because I'm going to be a better mom for my whole life and for the whole of my kids' lives because of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The trouble is, you think your posts are so clever and that you are so smart.
Your posts don’t come across that way. They come across as someone who is thinking very shallowly, and who is dismissive of others.
Of course, some people can grow and be happy without therapy. No one said otherwise.
But therapy helps a lot of people enormously. You want to just ignore that reality and engage in intellectual debates and one-up-manship. You seem to think that you are so superior that this thing that is so helpful for other people will be of no use to you.
Good luck with that.
It’s tedious.

I'm not trying to amuse you. I think we've established the broad concept of "therapy" can mean a lot of things and a lot of them already apply to me. The specific question of why people think that, by default, if you've had trauma, you must pay a stranger to pick it over and bring it all back up, is the only way to be a happy person, hasn't been answered. And I find it tedious that people like you keep trying to fall back on vague platitudes about therapy when we've quite thoroughly, and productively, covered the subject.

DP. I don’t think anyone has said that it is the only way to be happy, or must by default be done. But I read through this thread and see a lot of people who have answered the question how it could help you, and in tangible ways.

It occurs to me that it’s possible that some of these answers sound like platitudes, bc you haven’t yet experienced what people describe. “Freedom” is a platitude until/unless it’s actually experienced.

I have no dog in this fight. You should do what you feel is best. To that end, you *are* doing some important things, and maybe they are all you need. Or maybe they are what you need now, and over time they will nudge you closer to something different.

But I wonder if it’s worth bookmarking this thread, and reading through it at different periods of your life. Yes, there’s a fair amount of judgment and snark here from strangers who don’t know you and are making assumptions based on limited data. But maybe, just maybe, there’s also more of value here than you’re recognizing right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she's saying you have anger issues and giving you a chance to own them and resolve them.

No, I think she thinks anything that doesn’t work in your life is something that needs to be unpacked.

I have no problem admitting I sometimes lose my temper. But I feel like the conversation with the therapist went like,

Me: sometimes I lose my temper with the kids.

Her: is it often?

Me: no, but more than I would like

Her: well what is usually happening when it happens?

Me: well, I’d say it typically happens on school mornings, if my wife had to leave early and, it’s like 10 minutes until we have to go leave and one kid is crying because they don’t want pizza for lunch and the other is refusing to put his shoes on and also just announced he broke his school issued laptop.

Her: hmmm well, that sound stressful

Me: yes

Her; have you considered maybe waking your children earlier or perhaps getting up earlier yourself or I help avoid these stressful crunch moments

Me: am I really paying for this?

Her: we’ll discuss next week that’s all the time we have


So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

So why not try a parenting class instead?

I agree with you that navel gazing therapy about your childhood is a waste of time and BS. I get that you know what your triggers are with the kids and that you "try" not to get mad.

What you are glossing over is what exactly is happening when you are so frustrated that you let your anger get the better of you. So I this scenario the kids don't put their shoes on and you get angry. Then what?

OP here... Yeah, we've done parenting classes, with PEP, and they're super effective. The period of particular stress passed, the kids got better at putting their shoes on and I stopped seeing the therapist... it was actually her suggestion, because she asked me what was giving me anxiety that week and I said, honestly, the idea of having to talk to her was the most stressful thing. She was very curt and said she didn't think I was ready for therapy. The issue is my wife doesn't think I took it seriously.

To add more context, my father is particularly dysfunctional, and after a particularly unpleasant visit with him, we don't talk to him anymore. But I'm fine with it. He's a troubled person—he had a horrific childhood, he doesn't understand the purpose of families, he's a brilliant and sometimes incredibly charismatic person who my kids often liked being around, but I'm not willing to let him inflict his problems on my wife or my kids, and I have no desire to add to his own stress and struggle by expecting him to fill some role or whatever... so we don't see him anymore. It's sad, but I don't really have any regrets about it, and my wife has a very close, but extremely dysfunctional, large extended family that no matter how much they torture each other, they all come together in the end, and I think she just doesn't understand how the fact my dad sucked when I was growing up and I don't have a relationship with him now can't POSSIBLY be doing something to me. But, I mean, what else is there to say about it? And I've worked hard to raise my kids differently. And when my kids are frustrating, isn't it possible that they're just at a frustrating stage and not that I'm secretly crying about my own dad?

I just found this post and I'm the PP who just wrote the 500 word essay on how much therapy helped me. I still stand by everything I said with regards to you, but I think this kind of makes it sound like your wife could benefit from some therapy too! Accepting your partner's boundaries without judgement is v important IMO. My husband is behind me 1000% on any type of contact decisions I make about my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I read a couple pages and you seem a little closed off to the ide that therapy could work for you so I don't know if this will help but in case it does I will answer honestly.

First, the therapist in question matters, not just their own personal skill set but how the mesh with you. So you might have to try a few to see what works for you.

Secondly, I think its plausible that sure you don't need to see a therapist but I do think that if you have a spouse encouraging this repeatedly that you may be acting in ways that make her feel nervous/uncomfortable and she is unable to communicate that accurately but cares about you so is suggesting therapy. I would consider my spouse encouraging me to go to therapy as their communicating both that they are worried about me and that my behavior in some respect is making our life worse/more stressful and that is something serious to consider.

Ok so my experience. I had a childhood that was not like, ideal. A lot of neglect, alcoholism, divorce, personality disordered mother, parentification etc. Culminating in kind of an implosion of many family members in my 20s where one of my siblings actually died. So its like, fine whatever but I have some legitimate trauma, just to set that as an established fact. I was also the oldest daughter in this household and for many reasons had to 'hold it together' when no one else around me was doing that. I am the one who just put on my big girl pants and dealt with shi*t. From like, age 10, earlier?

And so I spent much of my 20s/30s believing I was just fine. But having kids and in particular having children reach milestone ages where I was given outsized responsibility really like, awakened some crap in my brain. And I was, IMO, doing just kind compartmentalizing that per usual until there was a large event (a fight with one of my parents) that really just sent me SPIRALING. I was still IMO a fine parent during this period but I was really struggling emotionally and really on edge that was in fact being reflected in my interactions with my husband and children. I think fortunately for me this was kind of an acute crisis that got me to reach out to therapists because I was like wow something is WRONG. Without this event, I think my standard emotional strength and willpower would have had me believing I was exactly like you describe yourself.

But so anyway I went to therapy and I have gotten an INCREDIBLE amount of value out of it. There is nothing I can do about my 'bad' parent. But I was, without even fully realizing, accepting a tremendous level of like, background noise stress in my life. Whenever the phone would ring and I'd see her name I would feel that pang of anxiety. Whenever I would interact with family I would just be uncomfortable, itchy, on edge. And critically I was not even fully aware of this, it was just life. But that background stress kind of made me a little bit of a pressure cooker. And talking with a therapist, in a safe space, about all the difficult feelings I have about my parents and family and upbringing allowed me to examine my own reactions and behavior with a little distance. It allowed me to hear from someone else 'yeah that was not a normal way to live' which was very validating. It has not resulted in me having some huge breakthrough conversations with my relatives but what it has done is given me a much healthier relationship with myself. And it has helped me to see when I am acting in a way that passes some of my own issues down to my kids and try to adjust.

Even today, I will bring something up and be like 'this is no big deal its fine I'm over it' and my therapist will challenge me to, at minimum, see that even if I'm ok with it, it wasn't ok or good and its ok that I acknowledge that. That I give myself a pat on the back for overcoming it. Its ok to say, 'I'm going to make sure I don't do that to my own kids.' And I have been shocked at how impactful this has been.

But critically, I didn't talk about much serious for months with my therapist. Not intentionally, I am just a very guarded person and again, none of my trauma is a big deal, I'm over it, I survived, I accept them etc (this was my script for my whole life!). But over the weeks, as I began to trust her (my therapist), she started to ask harder questions, and I started to feel more comfortable talking. And then I was very surprised at what came out of my sessions. And it did not feel in the moments like it worked. It felt in the moment many times like I was just bringing up painful memories for no reason. Like I was stirring up my trauma like dust at Chernobyl, doing nothing but poisoning myself again. But in reality, it was more like breaking a bone that healed wrong to reset it the right way. And three years later I feel like a new person and I'm really not entirely sure how it happened.

I have better tools to interact with my family, I'm more aware of the effect they have on me and how to manage it, I'm much more empathic and forgiving to the kid me, who did the best they could, and I'm a better parent. But it only worked because I went in at rock bottom fully believing I needed to put my whole heart into doing SOMETHING. And if I hadn't had that fight with my dad I'm not sure I'd have ever gotten there. But I'm glad I did it because I'm going to be a better mom for my whole life and for the whole of my kids' lives because of it.

I'm very glad it worked for you.

I just feel like I've already reached an internal peace with my father and don't have any desire to resurrect it or return to anything that I've put behind me. But it does sound like you genuinely were able to achieve something and that's great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The trouble is, you think your posts are so clever and that you are so smart.
Your posts don’t come across that way. They come across as someone who is thinking very shallowly, and who is dismissive of others.
Of course, some people can grow and be happy without therapy. No one said otherwise.
But therapy helps a lot of people enormously. You want to just ignore that reality and engage in intellectual debates and one-up-manship. You seem to think that you are so superior that this thing that is so helpful for other people will be of no use to you.
Good luck with that.
It’s tedious.

I'm not trying to amuse you. I think we've established the broad concept of "therapy" can mean a lot of things and a lot of them already apply to me. The specific question of why people think that, by default, if you've had trauma, you must pay a stranger to pick it over and bring it all back up, is the only way to be a happy person, hasn't been answered. And I find it tedious that people like you keep trying to fall back on vague platitudes about therapy when we've quite thoroughly, and productively, covered the subject.

DP. I don’t think anyone has said that it is the only way to be happy, or must by default be done. But I read through this thread and see a lot of people who have answered the question how it could help you, and in tangible ways.

It occurs to me that it’s possible that some of these answers sound like platitudes, bc you haven’t yet experienced what people describe. “Freedom” is a platitude until/unless it’s actually experienced.

I have no dog in this fight. You should do what you feel is best. To that end, you *are* doing some important things, and maybe they are all you need. Or maybe they are what you need now, and over time they will nudge you closer to something different.

But I wonder if it’s worth bookmarking this thread, and reading through it at different periods of your life. Yes, there’s a fair amount of judgment and snark here from strangers who don’t know you and are making assumptions based on limited data. But maybe, just maybe, there’s also more of value here than you’re recognizing right now.

Well, a 20-something year old version of me would be slightly surprised at my current stance, but not totally. My dad's problems and the importance of separating myself from them and focusing on myself have always been obvious to me. And I hope that in 5, 10 or 20 years I haven't brought any of that negativity back into my life. But, yes, it would be interesting to compare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I read a couple pages and you seem a little closed off to the ide that therapy could work for you so I don't know if this will help but in case it does I will answer honestly.

First, the therapist in question matters, not just their own personal skill set but how the mesh with you. So you might have to try a few to see what works for you.

Secondly, I think its plausible that sure you don't need to see a therapist but I do think that if you have a spouse encouraging this repeatedly that you may be acting in ways that make her feel nervous/uncomfortable and she is unable to communicate that accurately but cares about you so is suggesting therapy. I would consider my spouse encouraging me to go to therapy as their communicating both that they are worried about me and that my behavior in some respect is making our life worse/more stressful and that is something serious to consider.

Ok so my experience. I had a childhood that was not like, ideal. A lot of neglect, alcoholism, divorce, personality disordered mother, parentification etc. Culminating in kind of an implosion of many family members in my 20s where one of my siblings actually died. So its like, fine whatever but I have some legitimate trauma, just to set that as an established fact. I was also the oldest daughter in this household and for many reasons had to 'hold it together' when no one else around me was doing that. I am the one who just put on my big girl pants and dealt with shi*t. From like, age 10, earlier?

And so I spent much of my 20s/30s believing I was just fine. But having kids and in particular having children reach milestone ages where I was given outsized responsibility really like, awakened some crap in my brain. And I was, IMO, doing just kind compartmentalizing that per usual until there was a large event (a fight with one of my parents) that really just sent me SPIRALING. I was still IMO a fine parent during this period but I was really struggling emotionally and really on edge that was in fact being reflected in my interactions with my husband and children. I think fortunately for me this was kind of an acute crisis that got me to reach out to therapists because I was like wow something is WRONG. Without this event, I think my standard emotional strength and willpower would have had me believing I was exactly like you describe yourself.

But so anyway I went to therapy and I have gotten an INCREDIBLE amount of value out of it. There is nothing I can do about my 'bad' parent. But I was, without even fully realizing, accepting a tremendous level of like, background noise stress in my life. Whenever the phone would ring and I'd see her name I would feel that pang of anxiety. Whenever I would interact with family I would just be uncomfortable, itchy, on edge. And critically I was not even fully aware of this, it was just life. But that background stress kind of made me a little bit of a pressure cooker. And talking with a therapist, in a safe space, about all the difficult feelings I have about my parents and family and upbringing allowed me to examine my own reactions and behavior with a little distance. It allowed me to hear from someone else 'yeah that was not a normal way to live' which was very validating. It has not resulted in me having some huge breakthrough conversations with my relatives but what it has done is given me a much healthier relationship with myself. And it has helped me to see when I am acting in a way that passes some of my own issues down to my kids and try to adjust.

Even today, I will bring something up and be like 'this is no big deal its fine I'm over it' and my therapist will challenge me to, at minimum, see that even if I'm ok with it, it wasn't ok or good and its ok that I acknowledge that. That I give myself a pat on the back for overcoming it. Its ok to say, 'I'm going to make sure I don't do that to my own kids.' And I have been shocked at how impactful this has been.

But critically, I didn't talk about much serious for months with my therapist. Not intentionally, I am just a very guarded person and again, none of my trauma is a big deal, I'm over it, I survived, I accept them etc (this was my script for my whole life!). But over the weeks, as I began to trust her (my therapist), she started to ask harder questions, and I started to feel more comfortable talking. And then I was very surprised at what came out of my sessions. And it did not feel in the moments like it worked. It felt in the moment many times like I was just bringing up painful memories for no reason. Like I was stirring up my trauma like dust at Chernobyl, doing nothing but poisoning myself again. But in reality, it was more like breaking a bone that healed wrong to reset it the right way. And three years later I feel like a new person and I'm really not entirely sure how it happened.

I have better tools to interact with my family, I'm more aware of the effect they have on me and how to manage it, I'm much more empathic and forgiving to the kid me, who did the best they could, and I'm a better parent. But it only worked because I went in at rock bottom fully believing I needed to put my whole heart into doing SOMETHING. And if I hadn't had that fight with my dad I'm not sure I'd have ever gotten there. But I'm glad I did it because I'm going to be a better mom for my whole life and for the whole of my kids' lives because of it.

I'm very glad it worked for you.

I just feel like I've already reached an internal peace with my father and don't have any desire to resurrect it or return to anything that I've put behind me. But it does sound like you genuinely were able to achieve something and that's great.

OP not at all snarkily said but maybe what you really need is some couple's therapy to get to the bottom of why this is such an area of tension between you and your wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I read a couple pages and you seem a little closed off to the ide that therapy could work for you so I don't know if this will help but in case it does I will answer honestly.

First, the therapist in question matters, not just their own personal skill set but how the mesh with you. So you might have to try a few to see what works for you.

Secondly, I think its plausible that sure you don't need to see a therapist but I do think that if you have a spouse encouraging this repeatedly that you may be acting in ways that make her feel nervous/uncomfortable and she is unable to communicate that accurately but cares about you so is suggesting therapy. I would consider my spouse encouraging me to go to therapy as their communicating both that they are worried about me and that my behavior in some respect is making our life worse/more stressful and that is something serious to consider.

Ok so my experience. I had a childhood that was not like, ideal. A lot of neglect, alcoholism, divorce, personality disordered mother, parentification etc. Culminating in kind of an implosion of many family members in my 20s where one of my siblings actually died. So its like, fine whatever but I have some legitimate trauma, just to set that as an established fact. I was also the oldest daughter in this household and for many reasons had to 'hold it together' when no one else around me was doing that. I am the one who just put on my big girl pants and dealt with shi*t. From like, age 10, earlier?

And so I spent much of my 20s/30s believing I was just fine. But having kids and in particular having children reach milestone ages where I was given outsized responsibility really like, awakened some crap in my brain. And I was, IMO, doing just kind compartmentalizing that per usual until there was a large event (a fight with one of my parents) that really just sent me SPIRALING. I was still IMO a fine parent during this period but I was really struggling emotionally and really on edge that was in fact being reflected in my interactions with my husband and children. I think fortunately for me this was kind of an acute crisis that got me to reach out to therapists because I was like wow something is WRONG. Without this event, I think my standard emotional strength and willpower would have had me believing I was exactly like you describe yourself.

But so anyway I went to therapy and I have gotten an INCREDIBLE amount of value out of it. There is nothing I can do about my 'bad' parent. But I was, without even fully realizing, accepting a tremendous level of like, background noise stress in my life. Whenever the phone would ring and I'd see her name I would feel that pang of anxiety. Whenever I would interact with family I would just be uncomfortable, itchy, on edge. And critically I was not even fully aware of this, it was just life. But that background stress kind of made me a little bit of a pressure cooker. And talking with a therapist, in a safe space, about all the difficult feelings I have about my parents and family and upbringing allowed me to examine my own reactions and behavior with a little distance. It allowed me to hear from someone else 'yeah that was not a normal way to live' which was very validating. It has not resulted in me having some huge breakthrough conversations with my relatives but what it has done is given me a much healthier relationship with myself. And it has helped me to see when I am acting in a way that passes some of my own issues down to my kids and try to adjust.

Even today, I will bring something up and be like 'this is no big deal its fine I'm over it' and my therapist will challenge me to, at minimum, see that even if I'm ok with it, it wasn't ok or good and its ok that I acknowledge that. That I give myself a pat on the back for overcoming it. Its ok to say, 'I'm going to make sure I don't do that to my own kids.' And I have been shocked at how impactful this has been.

But critically, I didn't talk about much serious for months with my therapist. Not intentionally, I am just a very guarded person and again, none of my trauma is a big deal, I'm over it, I survived, I accept them etc (this was my script for my whole life!). But over the weeks, as I began to trust her (my therapist), she started to ask harder questions, and I started to feel more comfortable talking. And then I was very surprised at what came out of my sessions. And it did not feel in the moments like it worked. It felt in the moment many times like I was just bringing up painful memories for no reason. Like I was stirring up my trauma like dust at Chernobyl, doing nothing but poisoning myself again. But in reality, it was more like breaking a bone that healed wrong to reset it the right way. And three years later I feel like a new person and I'm really not entirely sure how it happened.

I have better tools to interact with my family, I'm more aware of the effect they have on me and how to manage it, I'm much more empathic and forgiving to the kid me, who did the best they could, and I'm a better parent. But it only worked because I went in at rock bottom fully believing I needed to put my whole heart into doing SOMETHING. And if I hadn't had that fight with my dad I'm not sure I'd have ever gotten there. But I'm glad I did it because I'm going to be a better mom for my whole life and for the whole of my kids' lives because of it.

I'm very glad it worked for you.

I just feel like I've already reached an internal peace with my father and don't have any desire to resurrect it or return to anything that I've put behind me. But it does sound like you genuinely were able to achieve something and that's great.

OP not at all snarkily said but maybe what you really need is some couple's therapy to get to the bottom of why this is such an area of tension between you and your wife.

That actually makes more sense than therapy to talk about my parent.

To add context, since people keep inventing there own, an example of the most recent time my wife brought this up was father's day—I don't call my dad anymore on Father's day, but because I don't think he's a terrible person, I still participate in the system my sister and I developed wherein we take turns organizing a bouquet for my mother on Mother's day and a basket of treats/cookies for my father on father's day. My wife and I were talking about the holiday and I asked her if she remembered to call her dad (she had) and she asked if I had coordinated with my sister about the treat basket, and I said I had, and she shook her head and said, "I just really think it would do some good if you talked to someone about him." To which, as usual, I replied, "But what would I say—I think it's at the best place for who he is and I'm not going to spend any more time exposing you and the kids to that." Her, "I know, but he wasn't a good parent!" Me: "Yeah."

Like I said, it seems much more about the idea that the only way to handle it is to talk it to death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I read a couple pages and you seem a little closed off to the ide that therapy could work for you so I don't know if this will help but in case it does I will answer honestly.

First, the therapist in question matters, not just their own personal skill set but how the mesh with you. So you might have to try a few to see what works for you.

Secondly, I think its plausible that sure you don't need to see a therapist but I do think that if you have a spouse encouraging this repeatedly that you may be acting in ways that make her feel nervous/uncomfortable and she is unable to communicate that accurately but cares about you so is suggesting therapy. I would consider my spouse encouraging me to go to therapy as their communicating both that they are worried about me and that my behavior in some respect is making our life worse/more stressful and that is something serious to consider.

Ok so my experience. I had a childhood that was not like, ideal. A lot of neglect, alcoholism, divorce, personality disordered mother, parentification etc. Culminating in kind of an implosion of many family members in my 20s where one of my siblings actually died. So its like, fine whatever but I have some legitimate trauma, just to set that as an established fact. I was also the oldest daughter in this household and for many reasons had to 'hold it together' when no one else around me was doing that. I am the one who just put on my big girl pants and dealt with shi*t. From like, age 10, earlier?

And so I spent much of my 20s/30s believing I was just fine. But having kids and in particular having children reach milestone ages where I was given outsized responsibility really like, awakened some crap in my brain. And I was, IMO, doing just kind compartmentalizing that per usual until there was a large event (a fight with one of my parents) that really just sent me SPIRALING. I was still IMO a fine parent during this period but I was really struggling emotionally and really on edge that was in fact being reflected in my interactions with my husband and children. I think fortunately for me this was kind of an acute crisis that got me to reach out to therapists because I was like wow something is WRONG. Without this event, I think my standard emotional strength and willpower would have had me believing I was exactly like you describe yourself.

But so anyway I went to therapy and I have gotten an INCREDIBLE amount of value out of it. There is nothing I can do about my 'bad' parent. But I was, without even fully realizing, accepting a tremendous level of like, background noise stress in my life. Whenever the phone would ring and I'd see her name I would feel that pang of anxiety. Whenever I would interact with family I would just be uncomfortable, itchy, on edge. And critically I was not even fully aware of this, it was just life. But that background stress kind of made me a little bit of a pressure cooker. And talking with a therapist, in a safe space, about all the difficult feelings I have about my parents and family and upbringing allowed me to examine my own reactions and behavior with a little distance. It allowed me to hear from someone else 'yeah that was not a normal way to live' which was very validating. It has not resulted in me having some huge breakthrough conversations with my relatives but what it has done is given me a much healthier relationship with myself. And it has helped me to see when I am acting in a way that passes some of my own issues down to my kids and try to adjust.

Even today, I will bring something up and be like 'this is no big deal its fine I'm over it' and my therapist will challenge me to, at minimum, see that even if I'm ok with it, it wasn't ok or good and its ok that I acknowledge that. That I give myself a pat on the back for overcoming it. Its ok to say, 'I'm going to make sure I don't do that to my own kids.' And I have been shocked at how impactful this has been.

But critically, I didn't talk about much serious for months with my therapist. Not intentionally, I am just a very guarded person and again, none of my trauma is a big deal, I'm over it, I survived, I accept them etc (this was my script for my whole life!). But over the weeks, as I began to trust her (my therapist), she started to ask harder questions, and I started to feel more comfortable talking. And then I was very surprised at what came out of my sessions. And it did not feel in the moments like it worked. It felt in the moment many times like I was just bringing up painful memories for no reason. Like I was stirring up my trauma like dust at Chernobyl, doing nothing but poisoning myself again. But in reality, it was more like breaking a bone that healed wrong to reset it the right way. And three years later I feel like a new person and I'm really not entirely sure how it happened.

I have better tools to interact with my family, I'm more aware of the effect they have on me and how to manage it, I'm much more empathic and forgiving to the kid me, who did the best they could, and I'm a better parent. But it only worked because I went in at rock bottom fully believing I needed to put my whole heart into doing SOMETHING. And if I hadn't had that fight with my dad I'm not sure I'd have ever gotten there. But I'm glad I did it because I'm going to be a better mom for my whole life and for the whole of my kids' lives because of it.

I'm very glad it worked for you.

I just feel like I've already reached an internal peace with my father and don't have any desire to resurrect it or return to anything that I've put behind me. But it does sound like you genuinely were able to achieve something and that's great.

OP not at all snarkily said but maybe what you really need is some couple's therapy to get to the bottom of why this is such an area of tension between you and your wife.

That actually makes more sense than therapy to talk about my parent.

To add context, since people keep inventing there own, an example of the most recent time my wife brought this up was father's day—I don't call my dad anymore on Father's day, but because I don't think he's a terrible person, I still participate in the system my sister and I developed wherein we take turns organizing a bouquet for my mother on Mother's day and a basket of treats/cookies for my father on father's day. My wife and I were talking about the holiday and I asked her if she remembered to call her dad (she had) and she asked if I had coordinated with my sister about the treat basket, and I said I had, and she shook her head and said, "I just really think it would do some good if you talked to someone about him." To which, as usual, I replied, "But what would I say—I think it's at the best place for who he is and I'm not going to spend any more time exposing you and the kids to that." Her, "I know, but he wasn't a good parent!" Me: "Yeah."

Like I said, it seems much more about the idea that the only way to handle it is to talk it to death.

Well at the risk of making up context like everyone else, this interaction doesn't sound like you say the most important thing. I think what you really want your wife to HEAR is

'Hey Larla, I know you love me and you want me to be happy and you have a very different kind of relationship with your family than I do with mine so its hard for you to understand my choices, but you know, I don't tell you how to manage your relationships with Ashley, Beth and Crazy Uncle Rick even when I think you should have kicked them to the curb years ago. I wish you could understand that I have had a whole lifetime to process my relationship my parents, and I think I'm in a good place. I think this hard boundary I've put up is actually the healthiest thing I've ever done in relation to my Dad. And while I know you're trying to help, when you bring this up over and over again, it makes me think that you think there's something wrong with me. My relationship with my Dad is not causing me any stress anymore, but if you are seeing a problem between you and me, lets just talk about that because I promise you if there's something wrong it has nothing to do with him but I don't want there to be anything bad between us.'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I read a couple pages and you seem a little closed off to the ide that therapy could work for you so I don't know if this will help but in case it does I will answer honestly.

First, the therapist in question matters, not just their own personal skill set but how the mesh with you. So you might have to try a few to see what works for you.

Secondly, I think its plausible that sure you don't need to see a therapist but I do think that if you have a spouse encouraging this repeatedly that you may be acting in ways that make her feel nervous/uncomfortable and she is unable to communicate that accurately but cares about you so is suggesting therapy. I would consider my spouse encouraging me to go to therapy as their communicating both that they are worried about me and that my behavior in some respect is making our life worse/more stressful and that is something serious to consider.

Ok so my experience. I had a childhood that was not like, ideal. A lot of neglect, alcoholism, divorce, personality disordered mother, parentification etc. Culminating in kind of an implosion of many family members in my 20s where one of my siblings actually died. So its like, fine whatever but I have some legitimate trauma, just to set that as an established fact. I was also the oldest daughter in this household and for many reasons had to 'hold it together' when no one else around me was doing that. I am the one who just put on my big girl pants and dealt with shi*t. From like, age 10, earlier?

And so I spent much of my 20s/30s believing I was just fine. But having kids and in particular having children reach milestone ages where I was given outsized responsibility really like, awakened some crap in my brain. And I was, IMO, doing just kind compartmentalizing that per usual until there was a large event (a fight with one of my parents) that really just sent me SPIRALING. I was still IMO a fine parent during this period but I was really struggling emotionally and really on edge that was in fact being reflected in my interactions with my husband and children. I think fortunately for me this was kind of an acute crisis that got me to reach out to therapists because I was like wow something is WRONG. Without this event, I think my standard emotional strength and willpower would have had me believing I was exactly like you describe yourself.

But so anyway I went to therapy and I have gotten an INCREDIBLE amount of value out of it. There is nothing I can do about my 'bad' parent. But I was, without even fully realizing, accepting a tremendous level of like, background noise stress in my life. Whenever the phone would ring and I'd see her name I would feel that pang of anxiety. Whenever I would interact with family I would just be uncomfortable, itchy, on edge. And critically I was not even fully aware of this, it was just life. But that background stress kind of made me a little bit of a pressure cooker. And talking with a therapist, in a safe space, about all the difficult feelings I have about my parents and family and upbringing allowed me to examine my own reactions and behavior with a little distance. It allowed me to hear from someone else 'yeah that was not a normal way to live' which was very validating. It has not resulted in me having some huge breakthrough conversations with my relatives but what it has done is given me a much healthier relationship with myself. And it has helped me to see when I am acting in a way that passes some of my own issues down to my kids and try to adjust.

Even today, I will bring something up and be like 'this is no big deal its fine I'm over it' and my therapist will challenge me to, at minimum, see that even if I'm ok with it, it wasn't ok or good and its ok that I acknowledge that. That I give myself a pat on the back for overcoming it. Its ok to say, 'I'm going to make sure I don't do that to my own kids.' And I have been shocked at how impactful this has been.

But critically, I didn't talk about much serious for months with my therapist. Not intentionally, I am just a very guarded person and again, none of my trauma is a big deal, I'm over it, I survived, I accept them etc (this was my script for my whole life!). But over the weeks, as I began to trust her (my therapist), she started to ask harder questions, and I started to feel more comfortable talking. And then I was very surprised at what came out of my sessions. And it did not feel in the moments like it worked. It felt in the moment many times like I was just bringing up painful memories for no reason. Like I was stirring up my trauma like dust at Chernobyl, doing nothing but poisoning myself again. But in reality, it was more like breaking a bone that healed wrong to reset it the right way. And three years later I feel like a new person and I'm really not entirely sure how it happened.

I have better tools to interact with my family, I'm more aware of the effect they have on me and how to manage it, I'm much more empathic and forgiving to the kid me, who did the best they could, and I'm a better parent. But it only worked because I went in at rock bottom fully believing I needed to put my whole heart into doing SOMETHING. And if I hadn't had that fight with my dad I'm not sure I'd have ever gotten there. But I'm glad I did it because I'm going to be a better mom for my whole life and for the whole of my kids' lives because of it.

I'm very glad it worked for you.

I just feel like I've already reached an internal peace with my father and don't have any desire to resurrect it or return to anything that I've put behind me. But it does sound like you genuinely were able to achieve something and that's great.

OP not at all snarkily said but maybe what you really need is some couple's therapy to get to the bottom of why this is such an area of tension between you and your wife.

That actually makes more sense than therapy to talk about my parent.

To add context, since people keep inventing there own, an example of the most recent time my wife brought this up was father's day—I don't call my dad anymore on Father's day, but because I don't think he's a terrible person, I still participate in the system my sister and I developed wherein we take turns organizing a bouquet for my mother on Mother's day and a basket of treats/cookies for my father on father's day. My wife and I were talking about the holiday and I asked her if she remembered to call her dad (she had) and she asked if I had coordinated with my sister about the treat basket, and I said I had, and she shook her head and said, "I just really think it would do some good if you talked to someone about him." To which, as usual, I replied, "But what would I say—I think it's at the best place for who he is and I'm not going to spend any more time exposing you and the kids to that." Her, "I know, but he wasn't a good parent!" Me: "Yeah."

Like I said, it seems much more about the idea that the only way to handle it is to talk it to death.

Well at the risk of making up context like everyone else, this interaction doesn't sound like you say the most important thing. I think what you really want your wife to HEAR is

'Hey Larla, I know you love me and you want me to be happy and you have a very different kind of relationship with your family than I do with mine so its hard for you to understand my choices, but you know, I don't tell you how to manage your relationships with Ashley, Beth and Crazy Uncle Rick even when I think you should have kicked them to the curb years ago. I wish you could understand that I have had a whole lifetime to process my relationship my parents, and I think I'm in a good place. I think this hard boundary I've put up is actually the healthiest thing I've ever done in relation to my Dad. And while I know you're trying to help, when you bring this up over and over again, it makes me think that you think there's something wrong with me. My relationship with my Dad is not causing me any stress anymore, but if you are seeing a problem between you and me, lets just talk about that because I promise you if there's something wrong it has nothing to do with him but I don't want there to be anything bad between us.'

I have never said it that concisely, but it actually is a wonderful summation of my feelings. I would never, however, bring her family into it, because I am very conscious of not trying to label her own relationships as problematic. I mean, we've certainly discussed them, but I want to avoid saying anything that remotely comes across as "Actually, it's your family that are a bunch of nuts whose behavior requires therapy to address, not mine!" Because I dont' feel that way.

Anyway, I like the way you put that and maybe I'll try actually putting all those thoughts that I've expressed in pieces together into a coherent statement next time she brings it up.

[Anonymous]

It seems that some who had messed up family lives are not convinced by OP’s “I’m fine” stance. People in such families get very used to their emotional needs not being met and it becomes normal to them.

And his insistence that he couldn’t possibly benefit from any way about talking about his parents and his emotions with a trained professional also seems suspect.

But, whatever, it’s his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems that some who had messed up family lives are not convinced by OP’s “I’m fine” stance. People in such families get very used to their emotional needs not being met and it becomes normal to them.

And his insistence that he couldn’t possibly benefit from any way about talking about his parents and his emotions with a trained professional also seems suspect.

But, whatever, it’s his life.

I mean, I've said more than "I'm fine", I've tried to demonstrate the degree I've thought things out and worked to address issues.