Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Consider what your children will learn by watching a smart capable women’s who is entirely dependent upon a man for food and shelter, like one of his children.

She focuses on child care and home management. ( I mean when the kids are older, not babies. )

Don’t you think that will influence their perceptions of the genders?
You are the only one with warped perceptions, hope you don't pass it on to your kids but you likely have

NP. Jumping in on this one because the scenario above was my parents, but worse. My father used money to control my mom - literally gave her cash in an envelope every month and that was it. To this day, my mom doesn't know how much they have in their estate or what will happen to her when he dies or if he leaves her. She budgets based on cash in the envelope. For whatever warped reason, he was very supportive of his daughters' education and paid for all of it and I'm grateful. However, my parents' weird dynamic, which was partly my mom's fault, greatly affected my and my sister's life choices - we both work and do well. My brother married a woman with a good career.

Been a SAHM for 25+ years. I do the budgeting/finances. Like to joke if something happened to me, my husband would have no clue where the money is or what to do.

So it doesn't have to be the way your mom lived. I manage the money, have full access, can spend what I deem appropriate---if it's a big purchase (defined differently for everyone---for us it's ~$1-2K) then we discuss first, but more just to inform, because we are on the same page financially and neither of us likes to waste money on frivolous things

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, he’s made between 1-4 million in the last five years, you have 1 car, 2 kids not yet in school, don’t travel, and you don’t have millionS in savings??? Don’t you invest?

You should be set for life. What are you spending money on? Drugs?

I call fake on this.

[Anonymous]

My mom was a SAHM and strongly encouraged me to keep my job after DD was born. I was going to do that anyway, as I remember how unhappy my mom was. When she went back to work part-time, it was better for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was a SAHM and strongly encouraged me to keep my job after DD was born. I was going to do that anyway, as I remember how unhappy my mom was. When she went back to work part-time, it was better for everyone.

But not everyone feels the same way or had the same experience, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was a SAHM and strongly encouraged me to keep my job after DD was born. I was going to do that anyway, as I remember how unhappy my mom was. When she went back to work part-time, it was better for everyone.

But not everyone feels the same way or had the same experience, of course.

Did I say they did?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, he’s made between 1-4 million in the last five years, you have 1 car, 2 kids not yet in school, don’t travel, and you don’t have millionS in savings??? Don’t you invest?

You should be set for life. What are you spending money on? Drugs?

I call fake on this.

OP here - of course we have millions in savings. That is what we are doing with our money - saving it. Like I said in a previous post, it doesn’t feel like anything will be a safe amount or give my family security due to how I grew up. I realize that rationally that is an out of touch thing to say. Sorry I’m not fake, or trying to be a jerk. It is something I am struggling with, like it or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Consider what your children will learn by watching a smart capable women’s who is entirely dependent upon a man for food and shelter, like one of his children.

She focuses on child care and home management. ( I mean when the kids are older, not babies. )

Don’t you think that will influence their perceptions of the genders?
You are the only one with warped perceptions, hope you don't pass it on to your kids but you likely have

NP. Jumping in on this one because the scenario above was my parents, but worse. My father used money to control my mom - literally gave her cash in an envelope every month and that was it. To this day, my mom doesn't know how much they have in their estate or what will happen to her when he dies or if he leaves her. She budgets based on cash in the envelope. For whatever warped reason, he was very supportive of his daughters' education and paid for all of it and I'm grateful. However, my parents' weird dynamic, which was partly my mom's fault, greatly affected my and my sister's life choices - we both work and do well. My brother married a woman with a good career.

Are your parents immigrants?

[Anonymous]

- My husband is a SAHP and the things that I think make it work for us are as follows:
* He does not work for me - I don't give him to dos or get on him for things around the house not done
* our money is OUR money not mine - we make joint financial decisions
* when he first stayed home he would wait until I was home so we could clean or do household chores together because he didn't want to pick up those jobs so we hired someone to do housecleaning not worth the fights or me having to spend all weekend cleaning after a 60 hour week
* we agree and get on same page on issues with the kids - it is not solely his decision
* he helps organize the kids schedule so it tracks my windows from work and we kept weekends pretty much free for family time
* I need to notice and be grateful for the things he does since he doesn't have alot of other adults giving positive feedback
* I keep some household areas - like I do all holiday decorating, cooking etc.. he doesn't care about that and I do so it's in my column

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, he’s made between 1-4 million in the last five years, you have 1 car, 2 kids not yet in school, don’t travel, and you don’t have millionS in savings??? Don’t you invest?

You should be set for life. What are you spending money on? Drugs?

I call fake on this.

OP here - of course we have millions in savings. That is what we are doing with our money - saving it. Like I said in a previous post, it doesn’t feel like anything will be a safe amount or give my family security due to how I grew up. I realize that rationally that is an out of touch thing to say. Sorry I’m not fake, or trying to be a jerk. It is something I am struggling with, like it or not.

It's not irrational to not want to give up your career, your livelihood, your way to earn money. It's a risk. You guys could lose your savings thru a lawsuit or family crisis or cancer diagnosis. Your husband could become disabled. You could get divorced.

Feeling hesitant about whether you want to give up your ability to support yourself is not irrational and you do not need to apologize for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, he’s made between 1-4 million in the last five years, you have 1 car, 2 kids not yet in school, don’t travel, and you don’t have millionS in savings??? Don’t you invest?

You should be set for life. What are you spending money on? Drugs?

I call fake on this.

OP here - of course we have millions in savings. That is what we are doing with our money - saving it. Like I said in a previous post, it doesn’t feel like anything will be a safe amount or give my family security due to how I grew up. I realize that rationally that is an out of touch thing to say. Sorry I’m not fake, or trying to be a jerk. It is something I am struggling with, like it or not.

It's not irrational to not want to give up your career, your livelihood, your way to earn money. It's a risk. You guys could lose your savings thru a lawsuit or family crisis or cancer diagnosis. Your husband could become disabled. You could get divorced.

Feeling hesitant about whether you want to give up your ability to support yourself is not irrational and you do not need to apologize for it.

Thank you, I appreciate your understanding and kindness!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, he’s made between 1-4 million in the last five years, you have 1 car, 2 kids not yet in school, don’t travel, and you don’t have millionS in savings??? Don’t you invest?

You should be set for life. What are you spending money on? Drugs?

I call fake on this.

OP here - of course we have millions in savings. That is what we are doing with our money - saving it. Like I said in a previous post, it doesn’t feel like anything will be a safe amount or give my family security due to how I grew up. I realize that rationally that is an out of touch thing to say. Sorry I’m not fake, or trying to be a jerk. It is something I am struggling with, like it or not.

It's not irrational to not want to give up your career, your livelihood, your way to earn money. It's a risk. You guys could lose your savings thru a lawsuit or family crisis or cancer diagnosis. Your husband could become disabled. You could get divorced.

Feeling hesitant about whether you want to give up your ability to support yourself is not irrational and you do not need to apologize for it.

+1000 the dollar amount doesn't matter. This is a much deeper issue.

[Anonymous]

The problem is if you split, will you actually get all that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the stupidest post and is another data point showing that big salary does not equal big brains (assuming your husband didn’t deliberately marry a complete nincompoop and is therefore also not that bright).

Why do you need to crowdsource on a mommy message board whether or not finances are a consideration in staying home with your kids when your husband’s income is over a MILLION dollars a year? Why can’t you figure out how to have your husband contribute to a retirement account on your behalf if you’re worried about that? Why can’t the two of you save a huge chunk of that massive income so you don’t have to worry about things going catastrophically bad?

Ridiculous. I kind of hope you’re just a troll.

Sorry nope not a troll or an idiot! Didn’t grow up with money/experienced lots of instability growing up due to money, so probably nothing will ever feel like a “safe” amount. We do save a huge portion of our income, like I said above we take no vacations, one car, reasonable mortgage - we are not blowing through cash.

I just was looking for ancedata - if people making all different amounts were happy with their decision, then that would be useful to me to know. If there were tons of regrets across the income spectrum, also helpful to know. Maybe you wouldn’t find that helpful and that’s ok.

So how much do you have saved? You act like you're living a rather frugal lifestyle so surely you must have a few million in the bank already? See how many years that would sustain you should something happen.

My SIL stayed at home and it was very stressful when BIL lost his job, they had recently bought a new house and she hadn't worked in over 18 years. But he made less than $150k per year so they didn't have a huge emergency fund and had been cash flowing part of niece's college tuition. He did find a new job fairly quickly, but it was just a totally differnt financial situation then yours. Most of us can't relate to that amount of income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, he’s made between 1-4 million in the last five years, you have 1 car, 2 kids not yet in school, don’t travel, and you don’t have millionS in savings??? Don’t you invest?

You should be set for life. What are you spending money on? Drugs?

I call fake on this.

OP here - of course we have millions in savings. That is what we are doing with our money - saving it. Like I said in a previous post, it doesn’t feel like anything will be a safe amount or give my family security due to how I grew up. I realize that rationally that is an out of touch thing to say. Sorry I’m not fake, or trying to be a jerk. It is something I am struggling with, like it or not.

I say this with kindness, but have you considered therapy to work through some of this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, he’s made between 1-4 million in the last five years, you have 1 car, 2 kids not yet in school, don’t travel, and you don’t have millionS in savings??? Don’t you invest?

You should be set for life. What are you spending money on? Drugs?

I call fake on this.

OP here - of course we have millions in savings. That is what we are doing with our money - saving it. Like I said in a previous post, it doesn’t feel like anything will be a safe amount or give my family security due to how I grew up. I realize that rationally that is an out of touch thing to say. Sorry I’m not fake, or trying to be a jerk. It is something I am struggling with, like it or not.

I say this with kindness, but have you considered therapy to work through some of this?

100% but I can’t bring myself to actually do it because there are people working through real issues with their therapists - abuse, addiction, mental illness - I imagine talking about my problems and sounding like such a whiner. Maybe I should get over that though.