Husband refuses to help with night feedings

[Anonymous]

Anyone who is up at night should nap during the day. Many people don’t have that option, but OP does. She gets to prioritize whatever is mort important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean really this thread is a cautionary tale against:

1. Marrying man children.
2. Listening to women who mistake being taken advantage of for “strength”.


Ladies know your worth and teach your daughters!

OP here. I resent your analysis of the situation. While my husband and I are having differing opinion with night feedings, we are on the same page with many things. My husband and I have been happily married for 3 years and together for 5. He is a great husband and father. I don't understand the point of acting like you know an entire person or their relationship based on one sore spot.

Great husbands and fathers don’t let their 5 wk postpartum wives go without sleep so they can get in a workout before they telework.

This!!! Your husband is being a sh@t!

He needs to take the 10 pm feeding and a feeding before going to work so you can get at least a 4 hour stretch of sleep each day. He does not get 8 hours to sleep and time to work out when you don’t have any point in the day to get one 4 hour stretch.. All those ppl who say sleep when the baby sleeps during the day - it’s crap if you’re not one of those people that can fall instantly asleep (which OP has said she’s not).

As others have said DO NOT have another child with this man. He clearly prioritizes himself (including his work out) over you and your baby. You’re delusional if you think he is a good husband (although being so sleep deprived can make you delusional). You need to have a come to Jesus moment with him now to change his behavior and selfishness now or this is going to continue to be an issue. If he doesn’t, get a night nurse to get you through and then seriously think about divorce once your baby is a little older because your husband is showing you his true colors now.

OP here. I am upset with this argument, but I will not bash him. I absolutely love and adore my husband. He is a great partner and father. He took over do 100% of everything when he was on paternity to let me rest and breastfeed. I did nothing but breastfeed, shower, and rest for the first month. He cooked and brought me meals, made sure I had drinks, did all the cleaning, did all the laundry, and did all the grocery shopping. He still does cooking, cleaning, and grocery shopping. He does give me a brea after he is done working to rest and take a shower. He cooks dinner most of time and cleans up dinner.

I'm not sure why people think one disagreement or issue means the person is bad. You can have issues, but that doesn't mean the person is horrible. We want one more child. We will not be getting divorced over something as dumb as night feedings. I don't believe in blowing up my marriage over a situation that may not exist a couple month from now. I think it's weird to convince me to divorce him over such an issue.

Your story keeps changing. First he did half, now he did “everything”. You need to clean up all day but he does all the cooking and cleaning…somehow not enough for a breakfast or lunch the next day. You’re writing this from the past where grocery shopping is a chore and not something everyone does online and has delivered.

I’m going to agree with the people saying troll.

Agreed.

[Anonymous]

I’m not totally sure what is going on here. What it comes down to for me is that sleep is essential for both parents, whether or not they are working. For many women, “just nap during the day” doesn’t work because they can’t fall asleep (that was my issue) or the baby doesn’t nap easily yet (many babies don’t have a stable nap schedule until 3 months - that’s very normal.) But I’m not sure if that is OP’s situation.

On the other hand, it is selfish and churlish for a parent to declare unilaterally that they are not going to participate in an aspect of childrearing. No parent can just refuse to do night-time parenting altogether like the DH here. At a minimum he needs to take night feeds every other day so she can get some solid night-time sleep. He has no right to declare that she bears all the burden of night parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not totally sure what is going on here. What it comes down to for me is that sleep is essential for both parents, whether or not they are working. For many women, “just nap during the day” doesn’t work because they can’t fall asleep (that was my issue) or the baby doesn’t nap easily yet (many babies don’t have a stable nap schedule until 3 months - that’s very normal.) But I’m not sure if that is OP’s situation.

On the other hand, it is selfish and churlish for a parent to declare unilaterally that they are not going to participate in an aspect of childrearing. No parent can just refuse to do night-time parenting altogether like the DH here. At a minimum he needs to take night feeds every other day so she can get some solid night-time sleep. He has no right to declare that she bears all the burden of night parenting.

Just tell him to nap after work so he can help at night.

[Anonymous]

1) On the constant pumping: you can’t sustain this forever. If breastfeeding is important to you, you need to prioritize sleeping enough to not tank your supply. If DH actually cared about breastfeeding, he should also be ensuring you are getting a reasonable amount of sleep, which includes helping with at least one feeding overnight, whether that is a last feed before he goes to bed or an early morning feed before work

2) For food: you can eat healthfully without spending all day in the kitchen. You need to change your routine. Make a sheet pan meal that you can eat over several days for lunches. Do overnight oats or bake whole-grain muffins once a week so that you have easy carb options. Do hard-boiled eggs en mass or bake a frittata for a fast protein. Make bulk trail mix with assorted nuts and seeds and keep it next to the chair where you nurse, add a bowl with oranges/bananas/apples and a trash can for peels, along with a supply of water bottles that you replenish every few days, or a water pitcher that you refill every morning. Instead of making yourself salads, prep a huge tray of fresh cut veggies with hummus or a greek yogurt dip and just snack from the tray right out of the fridge until it’s all gone. Similarly, prep a bunch of fruit (rinse and dry berries, grapes, pre-slice melon). And snack on it as you go. You no longer have three square meals. You have dinner as a family and then a snack every time you nurse all day. And DH should absolutely be taking on more of these cooking tasks than just dinner.

3) For workouts:
It’s totally reasonable to want to get back into a workout routine, but he needs to be flexible. He can workout at lunch and then eat while he answers emails on the clock. He can put the baby in a carrier and take a power walk around the neighborhood. He can do a 15 minute cardio routine in the morning and do strength training in the evening. The problem is not that he wants to work out, it’s that he is putting it on you to be flexible to make that happen. At this stage of parenting, with the pumping schedule you describe, you cannot be any more flexible than you already are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean really this thread is a cautionary tale against:

1. Marrying man children.
2. Listening to women who mistake being taken advantage of for “strength”.


Ladies know your worth and teach your daughters!

OP here. I resent your analysis of the situation. While my husband and I are having differing opinion with night feedings, we are on the same page with many things. My husband and I have been happily married for 3 years and together for 5. He is a great husband and father. I don't understand the point of acting like you know an entire person or their relationship based on one sore spot.

Great husbands and fathers don’t let their 5 wk postpartum wives go without sleep so they can get in a workout before they telework.

This!!! Your husband is being a sh@t!

He needs to take the 10 pm feeding and a feeding before going to work so you can get at least a 4 hour stretch of sleep each day. He does not get 8 hours to sleep and time to work out when you don’t have any point in the day to get one 4 hour stretch.. All those ppl who say sleep when the baby sleeps during the day - it’s crap if you’re not one of those people that can fall instantly asleep (which OP has said she’s not).

As others have said DO NOT have another child with this man. He clearly prioritizes himself (including his work out) over you and your baby. You’re delusional if you think he is a good husband (although being so sleep deprived can make you delusional). You need to have a come to Jesus moment with him now to change his behavior and selfishness now or this is going to continue to be an issue. If he doesn’t, get a night nurse to get you through and then seriously think about divorce once your baby is a little older because your husband is showing you his true colors now.

OP here. I am upset with this argument, but I will not bash him. I absolutely love and adore my husband. He is a great partner and father. He took over do 100% of everything when he was on paternity to let me rest and breastfeed. I did nothing but breastfeed, shower, and rest for the first month. He cooked and brought me meals, made sure I had drinks, did all the cleaning, did all the laundry, and did all the grocery shopping. He still does cooking, cleaning, and grocery shopping. He does give me a brea after he is done working to rest and take a shower. He cooks dinner most of time and cleans up dinner.

I'm not sure why people think one disagreement or issue means the person is bad. You can have issues, but that doesn't mean the person is horrible. We want one more child. We will not be getting divorced over something as dumb as night feedings. I don't believe in blowing up my marriage over a situation that may not exist a couple month from now. I think it's weird to convince me to divorce him over such an issue.

OP, this early infancy stage is temporary, but children having inconvenient needs (that lead to parents getting <8 hours sleep) and the need for parents to be flexible with their own needs and wants is permanent. If you don't want to confront your husband about helping more in the care of his child and getting to a schedule where you can get a stretch of 4 hours of sleep each day, that's your choice. It's great that when he had leave he took care of all the domestic management while you took care of the baby and breastfed. But him going back to work doesn't suddenly mean you don't need some minimal amount sleep and him getting 6 hours sleep at night or skipping his workout for a while to help you get some minimal sleep so you can safely take care of your child should not have to be an argument. Hopefully, his current lack of empathy for you is an isolated incident, and once you get through this stage he will be more reasonable.

I'm not trying to be mean, but honestly with the inflexibility that you have shown in your responses (e.g. won't hire help that you can afford) and your husband's inflexibility I really urge you to think about sticking with just one child. Things get even more complex when you have two kids (that have simultaneous needs that are impossible for one adult to take care of at the same time).

[Anonymous]

Is this real?

This is so dangerous. THe first 4 months postpartum is crucial for mother's mental health.

Im so sorry. Ladies be careful who you marry!

Op, Do you have an older woman in your family that can come over and help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) On the constant pumping: you can’t sustain this forever. If breastfeeding is important to you, you need to prioritize sleeping enough to not tank your supply. If DH actually cared about breastfeeding, he should also be ensuring you are getting a reasonable amount of sleep, which includes helping with at least one feeding overnight, whether that is a last feed before he goes to bed or an early morning feed before work

2) For food: you can eat healthfully without spending all day in the kitchen. You need to change your routine. Make a sheet pan meal that you can eat over several days for lunches. Do overnight oats or bake whole-grain muffins once a week so that you have easy carb options. Do hard-boiled eggs en mass or bake a frittata for a fast protein. Make bulk trail mix with assorted nuts and seeds and keep it next to the chair where you nurse, add a bowl with oranges/bananas/apples and a trash can for peels, along with a supply of water bottles that you replenish every few days, or a water pitcher that you refill every morning. Instead of making yourself salads, prep a huge tray of fresh cut veggies with hummus or a greek yogurt dip and just snack from the tray right out of the fridge until it’s all gone. Similarly, prep a bunch of fruit (rinse and dry berries, grapes, pre-slice melon). And snack on it as you go. You no longer have three square meals. You have dinner as a family and then a snack every time you nurse all day. And DH should absolutely be taking on more of these cooking tasks than just dinner.

3) For workouts:
It’s totally reasonable to want to get back into a workout routine, but he needs to be flexible. He can workout at lunch and then eat while he answers emails on the clock. He can put the baby in a carrier and take a power walk around the neighborhood. He can do a 15 minute cardio routine in the morning and do strength training in the evening. The problem is not that he wants to work out, it’s that he is putting it on you to be flexible to make that happen. At this stage of parenting, with the pumping schedule you describe, you cannot be any more flexible than you already are.

This is good and reasonable advise!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can’t afford to outsource help from a night nurse, your dh will have to take one feeding so that you can get a good 4 hour stretch of sleep every night. It’s not really negotiable; you can’t function without it. He can choose which one suits his schedule the best, but he can’t abdicate all responsibility. You also need to alternate sleeping in on weekend mornings. People with newborns need to prioritize sleep or it doesn’t happen.

OP here. We can afford a night nurse but neither of us feel comfortable with a stranger in our home.

Then stop complaining.

[Anonymous]

When my dh went back to work and I was at home, I did all the feedings. On the weekends, I moved to guest bedroom and had two nights of great sleep. Have you tried this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP needs to step up and get her daytime naps. Why not?

OP here. I have other things to do. Cooking, cleaning, washing pump parts/bottles, etc. My baby also loves being held for naps.

You have too many excuses. Relax your cleaning standards or get a once a week cleaning person. Don’t cook. Make sandwiches and keep it simple. Washing bottles and pump parts doesn’t take all day. The baby will have to get over being held every time for an entire nap. You’re setting yourself up for failure by giving in to that anyway.

OP here. Nutrition is super important to me and a sandwich will not do. One, it's not nutritious, and 2, it's not very filling. I make all organic, healthy foods to give my body and baby the best nutrition. I make myself breakfast and lunch everyday. My husband I switch off on cooking. We make everything at home, do not eat frozen fast foods, and do not eat takeout much. I need a lot of calories and that requires a lot of food.

Cooking requires cleaning. I wash my pump parts every other pump. I wash baby bottles once a day. I do admit I like a clean home and I do not feel like I mentally do well without a clean home. I wash so much laundry because baby goes through laundry so fast.

There are times where I just enjoy sitting down with my baby and holding him.

A sandwich will not do, lol…Now we’ve moved into troll territory. I’m glad you’re defending your DH, you guys seem made for each other.

Yeah, this is a younger version of healthy piece of fruit lady.

OP, kudos to you for all that you are doing, but at some point you're going to have to prioritize something/something's gotta give. To me, it sounds like you've chosen to sacrifice rest as your husband doesn't intend to sacrifice anything. Enjoy your baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP needs to step up and get her daytime naps. Why not?

OP here. I have other things to do. Cooking, cleaning, washing pump parts/bottles, etc. My baby also loves being held for naps.

You have too many excuses. Relax your cleaning standards or get a once a week cleaning person. Don’t cook. Make sandwiches and keep it simple. Washing bottles and pump parts doesn’t take all day. The baby will have to get over being held every time for an entire nap. You’re setting yourself up for failure by giving in to that anyway.

OP here. Nutrition is super important to me and a sandwich will not do. One, it's not nutritious, and 2, it's not very filling. I make all organic, healthy foods to give my body and baby the best nutrition. I make myself breakfast and lunch everyday. My husband I switch off on cooking. We make everything at home, do not eat frozen fast foods, and do not eat takeout much. I need a lot of calories and that requires a lot of food.

Cooking requires cleaning. I wash my pump parts every other pump. I wash baby bottles once a day. I do admit I like a clean home and I do not feel like I mentally do well without a clean home. I wash so much laundry because baby goes through laundry so fast.

There are times where I just enjoy sitting down with my baby and holding him.

A sandwich is not enough! Okay lady enjoy martyrdom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you breast feed during the day?

OP here. He eats every 2 hours with one longer 3 hour stretch for his longer afternoon nap.

There's your nap time right there. No reason for you to be pumping that long or cleaning. Also no need for elaborate meals

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) stop changing the baby’s diaper at night unless he poops

2) don’t wash your pump parts each time- stick them in the fridge like you would if you were pumping at work.

I think your dh should take one of the shifts, but will say that I did all nighttime stuff with 2 kids bc I was nursing and the baby (and I) went back to sleep quickly bc neither of us fully woke up for feedings),

OP here.

1. He pees a lot and his diaper is soaked at 3 hours. I have waited longer and he peed on his clothes.
2. I keep pump parts in fridge and wash every other time. I've read that this is not a recommended method.

The baby has no issues with going back to sleep. Sometimes he doesn't wake up and I have to wake him up at 3 hours. We have the snoo. I change diaper, feed, and he's very drowsy from eating. I put him back in the snoo and he is asleep again within minutes.

For the pee issues you need to either

1. Get a different size.

2. Try a different diaper

3. Make sure you are closing it tightly

4. Have his penis pointed downward

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is one of the hardest times in your whole life. Try to have grace for yourself and for him.

I agree he’s in the wrong and needs to have at least a couple nights of bad sleep a week, and 50/50 when you go back to work.

But I also think it’s normal to get super possessive of your sleep and go a little nuts/not be yourself in the meantime.

BS. He needs to step up.