Morbidly obese SIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP has shown literally no ability to deal compassionately with any of her family members. She should not keep going, whatever that means. She will make the situation much worse. She’s enmeshed and narcissistic, and will probably be cruel to all family members (she appears to already have been cruel).

I don’t disagree that the family needs significant help, but OP is incredibly toxic based on her own words in this thread. She cannot help and will only make things worse.

Oh shut up. She is concerned her husband's sister is a hoarder with avoidant restrictive food disorder living on pizza and Pepsi, and their child. Any normal human would be concerned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://nami.org/Support-Education/Support-Groups/NAMI-Family-Support-Group

https://helplinefaqs.nami.org/article/50-how-can-i-get-help-support-for-hoarding-behavior

https://www.nami.org/About-Mental-Illness/Mental-Health-Conditions/Obsessive-compulsive-Disorder

That a child is living in the home of a hoarder and is being encouraged/groomed to imitate mentally ill disordered eating as a coping strategy is tragic. While it is convenient for the adults to see the struggling child as a little adult, everyone is failing her. Y'all need to do what you can to give her the chance to be more than a mentally ill shut in herself as an adult. She is under way more stress than a child should be and is not having any healthy coping behavior taught or modeled.

https://psychcentral.com/blog/dirty-little-secret-help-for-children-of-hoarders#1

This is what's going to happen. That's been my experience. "SIL" we'll call her for the sake of this thread, was threatened by the mere thought of her DC eating healthy food and actively pushed junk food -- which she brought -- when there was a choice (family gatherings). DC got fatter and fatter and fatter, just like "SIL". Guess what, people like that don't often leave home. In fact, they drop out of high school and keep their parents company for the rest of their lives. What a waste.

OP, I'm glad you are beginning to think about how you can help your SIL and her family. Ignore the posters who claim this is about fat and fat shaming. It's not. Keep going.

THIS is the tragedy that BIL and loving extended family should be working to divert, yet no one even pays lip service to caring about her future.

The obsessive, co-dependent focus on the most mentally ill of the 3 as a gatekeeper or necessary change agent is BS. Troll or you seem dysfunctional too, OP. SIL will likely never change. BIL has allowed his child to be neglected, malnourished and groomed into disordered eating, likely a coping mechanism for dealing with the stress of more or less raising herself.

Uni? Are you from the US? How do you know so much detail about the childhood meals of your husband's brother's wife, OP? And yet breezily mention your niece and HER own disordered eating and raising herself so breezily and offhand, late in the the thread?

OP here. There is so much to unpack I can't put it all out in first post. Also I have known SIL for over 25 years. We vacation together etc over the years. I know a lot about her childhood BC she is very talkative and I actually enjoy hearing and sharing about different experiences growing up, etc. She and I have spent years and years talking about everything including day to say life. The only thing we've never talked about is her struggles with health, diet etc she'll skirt around it sometimes.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I appreciate the helpful suggestions here. But please stop with the abusive language and insults. So far I've been called a b@#£&, a troll, cruel, toxic, evil, a douche bag etc. I'm just so shocked at the amount of abuse people hurdle at anonymous posters online. If you're going to attack me with abusive language please don't post. If you have something critical to say, I am absolutely fine with that as long as it's done in a normal respectful way. Would you say these things to my face?

[Anonymous]

OP I suggested earlier it would have to be on BIL. I know you posted that some people were coming down hard on him. That's not why I posted that. It's because your SIL will only change if she wants it. No one else telling her is going to make a difference. I get that your BIL works and is tired but if it's important to him then he needs to make this change. SIL can continue eating her own stuff and perhaps she can try little bits of other dishes to see if she likes them.

When people are use to eating junk food they won't eat healthy to start with, they won't enjoy it or stick with it if the change is too big. I suggest giving him ideas for healthier stuff which may not seem totally healthy but will be tasty. Perhaps even just a few days a week to start with.

Eg: The taco kits which you only need to cook some beef with an onion. The extra bits on top are easy.

Buy a ready made lasagne and some salad. All SIL needs to do is throw it in the oven.

Rotisserie chicken with salad or potatoes, even oven fries. The salad doesn't need to be green to start with, even potato salad. It's all about making the change and then once that's ok make the next change ie add green salad, vegetables.

This stuff is really easy to prepare. Your BIL can do that. Your BIL can make it about himself so SIL doesn't feel shamed. Small baby steps. She can even keep cooking her own food but your BIL can make a few different dishes for himself and the kids. Then see where it goes.

Otherwise I would suggest he go to counselling for professional advice on how to manage the other deeper issues. Triangulation in family relationships is not always helpful as it sometimes puts all the blame on one person rather than each individual seeing what part or role they play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate the helpful suggestions here. But please stop with the abusive language and insults. So far I've been called a b@#£&, a troll, cruel, toxic, evil, a douche bag etc. I'm just so shocked at the amount of abuse people hurdle at anonymous posters online. If you're going to attack me with abusive language please don't post. If you have something critical to say, I am absolutely fine with that as long as it's done in a normal respectful way. Would you say these things to my face?

Just save some of the more helpful posts and ask Jeff to delete the thread. The abuse won't stop. You must be new here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate the helpful suggestions here. But please stop with the abusive language and insults. So far I've been called a b@#£&, a troll, cruel, toxic, evil, a douche bag etc. I'm just so shocked at the amount of abuse people hurdle at anonymous posters online. If you're going to attack me with abusive language please don't post. [b]If you have something critical to say, I am absolutely fine with that as long as it's done in a normal respectful way. Would you say these things to my face?[i]

Oh, the irony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is mentally ill. She has at least one psychiatric condition, an avoidant restrictive eating disorder, and likely others, depression, etc.

She does not need to be on board and the focus needs to be moved off her as some kind of gatekeeper.

BIL needs to take charge of his heath and pass on the Captain Crunch. He needs to provide healthy food to his daughter and get her therapy for her own developing avoidant restrictive eating disorder. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8089271/

One person's mental illness does not need to and should not be allowed to drag down 3 people. If he eats healthy and lower carb (protein and veg NOT pasta w/jarred sauce w/sugar in it) he may reverse own diabetes, esp if he takes up exercise. He should also get himself into counseling and see if the messages from Al Anon resonate, there are Zoom and phone meetings. If he has the money he should order healthy meal delivery for 2.

The mentally ill are unlikely to change. Think hoarding and the like. He needs to focus on what HE can control, himself and at least attempt to support the well being of his child. Her being groomed into an eating disorder by a mentally ill parent is not it. CODA may be another resource that could help him see the need to detach with love and knock off the enmeshment. His child cannot be getting proper nutrition.

Only once he and the child are healthier and have made progress in therapy should SIL's issues be focused on. She may need inpatient treatment, at minimum a qualified psych eval and outpatient treatment plus likely meds. https://psychcentral.com/eating-disorders/avoidant-restrictive-food-intake-disorder-symptoms#symptoms Even for ARFD she is on the extreme end. https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/blog/effective-treatments-adults-arfid
https://www.reddit.com/r/ARFID/comments/aqua62/can_you_have_arfid_and_be_overweight/

Even depression in a parent can have significant effects on kids, he really needs to step up and shield her. He may well be depressed and overwhelmed himself, thus the need to get support and an actionable plan re: HIS physical and mental health first. Oxygen mask. Since he has asked for help, start there.

OP here. This is one of tho most helpful posts Ive seen. I had never heard of avoidant disorder prior to today. By the way SIL has a shopping addiction and is a hoarder too. I will read up a lot on this and will send him this info.

I am beginning to think OP is a troll. So SIL is “lovely” but you now also add she is a hoarder and a shopping addict? Anything else? What is “lovely” about her?

You realize it's possible to be lively and still suffer from mental illness, right? You're the one saying they're mutually exclusive.

She has said nothing positive about SIL. She also has added important facts late in the thread.

Yeah it’s too sus when it goes from “she’s obese and eats terribly but is lovely” to she is a hoarder, shopping addict who is destroying the lives of her DH and child with her mental illness. And, in either case, OP talking to her is not going to help, especially if it’s the second scenario

+1

Deeply skeptical of OP here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP has shown literally no ability to deal compassionately with any of her family members. She should not keep going, whatever that means. She will make the situation much worse. She’s enmeshed and narcissistic, and will probably be cruel to all family members (she appears to already have been cruel).

I don’t disagree that the family needs significant help, but OP is incredibly toxic based on her own words in this thread. She cannot help and will only make things worse.

Oh shut up. She is concerned her husband's sister is a hoarder with avoidant restrictive food disorder living on pizza and Pepsi, and their child. Any normal human would be concerned.

Show me with quotes where OP has shown literally any compassion whatsoever to her SIL. All I see — based on her own posts — is narcissism and cruelty.

She cannot help her SIL if how she presents on DCUM is how she is in real life. She will only be cruel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate the helpful suggestions here. But please stop with the abusive language and insults. So far I've been called a b@#£&, a troll, cruel, toxic, evil, a douche bag etc. I'm just so shocked at the amount of abuse people hurdle at anonymous posters online. If you're going to attack me with abusive language please don't post. If you have something critical to say, I am absolutely fine with that as long as it's done in a normal respectful way. Would you say these things to my face?

I’ve called you toxic based on your posts. I see no kindness whatsoever in any of your posts, no love for your SIL, no love even for your brother. I see no caring, no love, no even basic attempt to understand mental illness or to see your brother’s role or to see your own role.

I have said as much to people I know who act with toxicity, and if you were my friend and talking in person the way you are here, I would say something.

You don’t like it because you are enmeshed, and frankly I think you have narcissistic tendencies. Sorting that out and being honest with yourself about your own relationship and your own motivations is going to be critical if you actually want to help your SIL and brother.

I do wish you luck, but I’m not going to sit here and pretend for the sake of your ego that you’ve been posting in a healthy way.

[Anonymous]

Enmeshed is focusing on SIL rather than on BIL stepping up for his own health and the crisis his child is in, OP. Extended family could be a lifeline of emotional support for the child, and if she is invited to visit could provide key alternative models of healthy adult living and connection. In your posts you described a kid left to raise herself and who is being actively groomed into isolation and disordered eating by a mentally ill parent. Yet everyone focuses on her mother, not her? Not concrete actions to change her trajectory in life, even providing love, emotional support and a respite? I get it is convenient for everyone to parentify her and not break existing patterns, but, come on.

[Anonymous]

No you don’t say anything. Personally, I would be grosses out by her eating and poor habits so I would probably minimize visits. But I wouldn’t say anything to her. She is an adult and makes her own choices about her health, diet, and marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Her DH asked us to sit down with her. But we are reluctant to. Don't know why I'm getting all this hate here. It is very sad to see her dealing with diabetes hypertension etc now.

He's had 25 years to figure this out and he hasn't. It is NOWHERE NEAR your job to fix their marriage dinner plans. Suggest a marriage counselor. They clearly have communication issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SIL lives several hrs away but we see them 4-5 times a year. Good relationship. My brother in law, her DH, runs his own business and works 60 hour weeks. I've known her for 25 years. They got married 20 years ago and she stopped working right away. They had one child who is now am independent high schooler. She is a very lovely lady but a little lazy I think. She watches daytime TV all day and eats junk food. She doesn't cook ever. Her idea of cooking is popping frozen chicken tenders in the oven. She only eats processed foods like sugar cereal soda and frozen pizza frozen Tyson's strips. She has been eating this way her whole life and finds normal home food or even normal restaurant food unappetizig and veg is gross. In her early 20s she was slender. In her late 20s she was plump. In her 30s she was fat. In her 40s she is obese. She has HT, diabetes, ibs etc now. But despite all the health problems that are here now, she still won't change at all. No matter what doctors say. Or DH. DH is fed up coming home to frozen pizza or takeout fried food. He had sit down with her and said he wants home cooked basic food on table every night. He'd be really happy with pasta jarred sauce and side salad. He works crazy hours and Saud he'd cook himself if he could but he can't. His health problems are catching up too. Gout, hypertension, prediabetes etc. He said he can't go on doing this. My DH and I are relatively healthy eat home cooked food, meal plan and we both work. He says he's at his wits end. Should we have an intervention with her? We love them both but have been reluctant to get involved in this aspect. BC she's never asked us for that type of advice. They are both educated people living in a wealthy suburb of NYC with plenty of $ for good healthy food. Thoughts?

Good news for your BIL, the meal that would make him really happy takes 8 minutes. He can do it when he gets home. Boil water, open bagged salad, open jar, enjoy.

You are not the person to address any of this with your SIL. Your BIL needs to make changes in his own house. Or task the high schooler with boiling pasta since that would apparently be an improvement.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it amazes me the BIL can open up his own jar of pasta sauce and pour a pre bagged salad into a bowl.

He could do this for a while, lose some weight, and find someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people don’t like to cook. They can do a delivery like Mighty Meals in the DMV. I would work on having healthy dinners first for a while and then see if they would like to learn some simple breakfasts or lunch ideas.

If she has a limited diet, she may have sensory issues. I would not try to make her try all new food AND learn to cook/ plan at the same time. That’s a lot of change. Also she has to want to change. Maybe her DH could just get some healthy delivery for himself.

OP here. Mighty meals is great. Part of the problem with SIL is that she literally won't eat anything but 5-6 things. Certain brand of frozen pizza, Tyson's frozen tenders, ballpark hotdogs, pepsi and captain crunch. That's it.

Why is this your business? You love the fact that you are shaming her here. You're a horrible person.

I disagree. She clearly has mental health issues, involving food, which is frightening for OP's nieces/nephews and husbsnd. She is simply concerned. This isn't about just the SIL chosing to eat junk food. What if your nieces and nephews exclusively ate pizza, hot dogs, and Pepsi? Stop with the faux fat shaming outrage. This sounds like a crisis

NP. We have a DIL who will take the trouble to drive her her kids (also our grandkids) to McDonalds and BK and order from there instead of learning to use the InstantPot to make healthy meals. Do we say anything? No. DS chose to marry an unhealthy overweight woman so he made his bed.

Your DS can use that instapot to cook healthy meals if it’s important to him.