Morbidly obese SIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people don’t like to cook. They can do a delivery like Mighty Meals in the DMV. I would work on having healthy dinners first for a while and then see if they would like to learn some simple breakfasts or lunch ideas.

If she has a limited diet, she may have sensory issues. I would not try to make her try all new food AND learn to cook/ plan at the same time. That’s a lot of change. Also she has to want to change. Maybe her DH could just get some healthy delivery for himself.

OP here. Mighty meals is great. Part of the problem with SIL is that she literally won't eat anything but 5-6 things. Certain brand of frozen pizza, Tyson's frozen tenders, ballpark hotdogs, pepsi and captain crunch. That's it.

Why is this your business? You love the fact that you are shaming her here. You're a horrible person.

I disagree. She clearly has mental health issues, involving food, which is frightening for OP's nieces/nephews and husbsnd. She is simply concerned. This isn't about just the SIL chosing to eat junk food. What if your nieces and nephews exclusively ate pizza, hot dogs, and Pepsi? Stop with the faux fat shaming outrage. This sounds like a crisis

NP. We have a DIL who will take the trouble to drive her her kids (also our grandkids) to McDonalds and BK and order from there instead of learning to use the InstantPot to make healthy meals. Do we say anything? No. DS chose to marry an unhealthy overweight woman so he made his bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is mentally ill. She has at least one psychiatric condition, an avoidant restrictive eating disorder, and likely others, depression, etc.

She does not need to be on board and the focus needs to be moved off her as some kind of gatekeeper.

BIL needs to take charge of his heath and pass on the Captain Crunch. He needs to provide healthy food to his daughter and get her therapy for her own developing avoidant restrictive eating disorder. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8089271/

One person's mental illness does not need to and should not be allowed to drag down 3 people. If he eats healthy and lower carb (protein and veg NOT pasta w/jarred sauce w/sugar in it) he may reverse own diabetes, esp if he takes up exercise. He should also get himself into counseling and see if the messages from Al Anon resonate, there are Zoom and phone meetings. If he has the money he should order healthy meal delivery for 2.

The mentally ill are unlikely to change. Think hoarding and the like. He needs to focus on what HE can control, himself and at least attempt to support the well being of his child. Her being groomed into an eating disorder by a mentally ill parent is not it. CODA may be another resource that could help him see the need to detach with love and knock off the enmeshment. His child cannot be getting proper nutrition.

Only once he and the child are healthier and have made progress in therapy should SIL's issues be focused on. She may need inpatient treatment, at minimum a qualified psych eval and outpatient treatment plus likely meds. https://psychcentral.com/eating-disorders/avoidant-restrictive-food-intake-disorder-symptoms#symptoms Even for ARFD she is on the extreme end. https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/blog/effective-treatments-adults-arfid
https://www.reddit.com/r/ARFID/comments/aqua62/can_you_have_arfid_and_be_overweight/

Even depression in a parent can have significant effects on kids, he really needs to step up and shield her. He may well be depressed and overwhelmed himself, thus the need to get support and an actionable plan re: HIS physical and mental health first. Oxygen mask. Since he has asked for help, start there.

OP here. This is one of tho most helpful posts Ive seen. I had never heard of avoidant disorder prior to today. By the way SIL has a shopping addiction and is a hoarder too. I will read up a lot on this and will send him this info.

I am beginning to think OP is a troll. So SIL is “lovely” but you now also add she is a hoarder and a shopping addict? Anything else? What is “lovely” about her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is mentally ill. She has at least one psychiatric condition, an avoidant restrictive eating disorder, and likely others, depression, etc.

She does not need to be on board and the focus needs to be moved off her as some kind of gatekeeper.

BIL needs to take charge of his heath and pass on the Captain Crunch. He needs to provide healthy food to his daughter and get her therapy for her own developing avoidant restrictive eating disorder. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8089271/

One person's mental illness does not need to and should not be allowed to drag down 3 people. If he eats healthy and lower carb (protein and veg NOT pasta w/jarred sauce w/sugar in it) he may reverse own diabetes, esp if he takes up exercise. He should also get himself into counseling and see if the messages from Al Anon resonate, there are Zoom and phone meetings. If he has the money he should order healthy meal delivery for 2.

The mentally ill are unlikely to change. Think hoarding and the like. He needs to focus on what HE can control, himself and at least attempt to support the well being of his child. Her being groomed into an eating disorder by a mentally ill parent is not it. CODA may be another resource that could help him see the need to detach with love and knock off the enmeshment. His child cannot be getting proper nutrition.

Only once he and the child are healthier and have made progress in therapy should SIL's issues be focused on. She may need inpatient treatment, at minimum a qualified psych eval and outpatient treatment plus likely meds. https://psychcentral.com/eating-disorders/avoidant-restrictive-food-intake-disorder-symptoms#symptoms Even for ARFD she is on the extreme end. https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/blog/effective-treatments-adults-arfid
https://www.reddit.com/r/ARFID/comments/aqua62/can_you_have_arfid_and_be_overweight/

Even depression in a parent can have significant effects on kids, he really needs to step up and shield her. He may well be depressed and overwhelmed himself, thus the need to get support and an actionable plan re: HIS physical and mental health first. Oxygen mask. Since he has asked for help, start there.

OP here. This is one of tho most helpful posts Ive seen. I had never heard of avoidant disorder prior to today. By the way SIL has a shopping addiction and is a hoarder too. I will read up a lot on this and will send him this info.

I am beginning to think OP is a troll. So SIL is “lovely” but you now also add she is a hoarder and a shopping addict? Anything else? What is “lovely” about her?

You realize it's possible to be lively and still suffer from mental illness, right? You're the one saying they're mutually exclusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is mentally ill. She has at least one psychiatric condition, an avoidant restrictive eating disorder, and likely others, depression, etc.

She does not need to be on board and the focus needs to be moved off her as some kind of gatekeeper.

BIL needs to take charge of his heath and pass on the Captain Crunch. He needs to provide healthy food to his daughter and get her therapy for her own developing avoidant restrictive eating disorder. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8089271/

One person's mental illness does not need to and should not be allowed to drag down 3 people. If he eats healthy and lower carb (protein and veg NOT pasta w/jarred sauce w/sugar in it) he may reverse own diabetes, esp if he takes up exercise. He should also get himself into counseling and see if the messages from Al Anon resonate, there are Zoom and phone meetings. If he has the money he should order healthy meal delivery for 2.

The mentally ill are unlikely to change. Think hoarding and the like. He needs to focus on what HE can control, himself and at least attempt to support the well being of his child. Her being groomed into an eating disorder by a mentally ill parent is not it. CODA may be another resource that could help him see the need to detach with love and knock off the enmeshment. His child cannot be getting proper nutrition.

Only once he and the child are healthier and have made progress in therapy should SIL's issues be focused on. She may need inpatient treatment, at minimum a qualified psych eval and outpatient treatment plus likely meds. https://psychcentral.com/eating-disorders/avoidant-restrictive-food-intake-disorder-symptoms#symptoms Even for ARFD she is on the extreme end. https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/blog/effective-treatments-adults-arfid
https://www.reddit.com/r/ARFID/comments/aqua62/can_you_have_arfid_and_be_overweight/

Even depression in a parent can have significant effects on kids, he really needs to step up and shield her. He may well be depressed and overwhelmed himself, thus the need to get support and an actionable plan re: HIS physical and mental health first. Oxygen mask. Since he has asked for help, start there.

OP here. This is one of tho most helpful posts Ive seen. I had never heard of avoidant disorder prior to today. By the way SIL has a shopping addiction and is a hoarder too. I will read up a lot on this and will send him this info.

I am beginning to think OP is a troll. So SIL is “lovely” but you now also add she is a hoarder and a shopping addict? Anything else? What is “lovely” about her?

You realize it's possible to be lively and still suffer from mental illness, right? You're the one saying they're mutually exclusive.

She has said nothing positive about SIL. She also has added important facts late in the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people don’t like to cook. They can do a delivery like Mighty Meals in the DMV. I would work on having healthy dinners first for a while and then see if they would like to learn some simple breakfasts or lunch ideas.

If she has a limited diet, she may have sensory issues. I would not try to make her try all new food AND learn to cook/ plan at the same time. That’s a lot of change. Also she has to want to change. Maybe her DH could just get some healthy delivery for himself.

OP here. Mighty meals is great. Part of the problem with SIL is that she literally won't eat anything but 5-6 things. Certain brand of frozen pizza, Tyson's frozen tenders, ballpark hotdogs, pepsi and captain crunch. That's it.

Why is this your business? You love the fact that you are shaming her here. You're a horrible person.

I disagree. She clearly has mental health issues, involving food, which is frightening for OP's nieces/nephews and husbsnd. She is simply concerned. This isn't about just the SIL chosing to eat junk food. What if your nieces and nephews exclusively ate pizza, hot dogs, and Pepsi? Stop with the faux fat shaming outrage. This sounds like a crisis

NP. We have a DIL who will take the trouble to drive her her kids (also our grandkids) to McDonalds and BK and order from there instead of learning to use the InstantPot to make healthy meals. Do we say anything? No. DS chose to marry an unhealthy overweight woman so he made his bed.

Don’t tell me—you gifted her the Instapot?

[Anonymous]

Not exhibiting any concern whatsoever for the child in the scenario also seems odd and trollish. And SIL is encouraging the child in disordered eating? Mentioned late and glossed over, WTF?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://nami.org/Support-Education/Support-Groups/NAMI-Family-Support-Group

https://helplinefaqs.nami.org/article/50-how-can-i-get-help-support-for-hoarding-behavior

https://www.nami.org/About-Mental-Illness/Mental-Health-Conditions/Obsessive-compulsive-Disorder

That a child is living in the home of a hoarder and is being encouraged/groomed to imitate mentally ill disordered eating as a coping strategy is tragic. While it is convenient for the adults to see the struggling child as a little adult, everyone is failing her. Y'all need to do what you can to give her the chance to be more than a mentally ill shut in herself as an adult. She is under way more stress than a child should be and is not having any healthy coping behavior taught or modeled.

https://psychcentral.com/blog/dirty-little-secret-help-for-children-of-hoarders#1

This is what's going to happen. That's been my experience. "SIL" we'll call her for the sake of this thread, was threatened by the mere thought of her DC eating healthy food and actively pushed junk food -- which she brought -- when there was a choice (family gatherings). DC got fatter and fatter and fatter, just like "SIL". Guess what, people like that don't often leave home. In fact, they drop out of high school and keep their parents company for the rest of their lives. What a waste.

OP, I'm glad you are beginning to think about how you can help your SIL and her family. Ignore the posters who claim this is about fat and fat shaming. It's not. Keep going.

THIS is the tragedy that BIL and loving extended family should be working to divert, yet no one even pays lip service to caring about her future.

The obsessive, co-dependent focus on the most mentally ill of the 3 as a gatekeeper or necessary change agent is BS. Troll or you seem dysfunctional too, OP. SIL will likely never change. BIL has allowed his child to be neglected, malnourished and groomed into disordered eating, likely a coping mechanism for dealing with the stress of more or less raising herself.

Uni? Are you from the US? How do you know so much detail about the childhood meals of your husband's brother's wife, OP? And yet breezily mention your niece and HER own disordered eating and raising herself so breezily and offhand, late in the the thread?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is mentally ill. She has at least one psychiatric condition, an avoidant restrictive eating disorder, and likely others, depression, etc.

She does not need to be on board and the focus needs to be moved off her as some kind of gatekeeper.

BIL needs to take charge of his heath and pass on the Captain Crunch. He needs to provide healthy food to his daughter and get her therapy for her own developing avoidant restrictive eating disorder. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8089271/

One person's mental illness does not need to and should not be allowed to drag down 3 people. If he eats healthy and lower carb (protein and veg NOT pasta w/jarred sauce w/sugar in it) he may reverse own diabetes, esp if he takes up exercise. He should also get himself into counseling and see if the messages from Al Anon resonate, there are Zoom and phone meetings. If he has the money he should order healthy meal delivery for 2.

The mentally ill are unlikely to change. Think hoarding and the like. He needs to focus on what HE can control, himself and at least attempt to support the well being of his child. Her being groomed into an eating disorder by a mentally ill parent is not it. CODA may be another resource that could help him see the need to detach with love and knock off the enmeshment. His child cannot be getting proper nutrition.

Only once he and the child are healthier and have made progress in therapy should SIL's issues be focused on. She may need inpatient treatment, at minimum a qualified psych eval and outpatient treatment plus likely meds. https://psychcentral.com/eating-disorders/avoidant-restrictive-food-intake-disorder-symptoms#symptoms Even for ARFD she is on the extreme end. https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/blog/effective-treatments-adults-arfid
https://www.reddit.com/r/ARFID/comments/aqua62/can_you_have_arfid_and_be_overweight/

Even depression in a parent can have significant effects on kids, he really needs to step up and shield her. He may well be depressed and overwhelmed himself, thus the need to get support and an actionable plan re: HIS physical and mental health first. Oxygen mask. Since he has asked for help, start there.

OP here. This is one of tho most helpful posts Ive seen. I had never heard of avoidant disorder prior to today. By the way SIL has a shopping addiction and is a hoarder too. I will read up a lot on this and will send him this info.

I am beginning to think OP is a troll. So SIL is “lovely” but you now also add she is a hoarder and a shopping addict? Anything else? What is “lovely” about her?

OP sounds like she has nothing else to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people don’t like to cook. They can do a delivery like Mighty Meals in the DMV. I would work on having healthy dinners first for a while and then see if they would like to learn some simple breakfasts or lunch ideas.

If she has a limited diet, she may have sensory issues. I would not try to make her try all new food AND learn to cook/ plan at the same time. That’s a lot of change. Also she has to want to change. Maybe her DH could just get some healthy delivery for himself.

OP here. Mighty meals is great. Part of the problem with SIL is that she literally won't eat anything but 5-6 things. Certain brand of frozen pizza, Tyson's frozen tenders, ballpark hotdogs, pepsi and captain crunch. That's it.

Why is this your business? You love the fact that you are shaming her here. You're a horrible person.

I disagree. She clearly has mental health issues, involving food, which is frightening for OP's nieces/nephews and husbsnd. She is simply concerned. This isn't about just the SIL chosing to eat junk food. What if your nieces and nephews exclusively ate pizza, hot dogs, and Pepsi? Stop with the faux fat shaming outrage. This sounds like a crisis

NP. We have a DIL who will take the trouble to drive her her kids (also our grandkids) to McDonalds and BK and order from there instead of learning to use the InstantPot to make healthy meals. Do we say anything? No. DS chose to marry an unhealthy overweight woman so he made his bed.

Don’t tell me—you gifted her the Instapot?

No, DS did. And he calls us to complain about her eating habits, which of course extends to their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is mentally ill. She has at least one psychiatric condition, an avoidant restrictive eating disorder, and likely others, depression, etc.

She does not need to be on board and the focus needs to be moved off her as some kind of gatekeeper.

BIL needs to take charge of his heath and pass on the Captain Crunch. He needs to provide healthy food to his daughter and get her therapy for her own developing avoidant restrictive eating disorder. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8089271/

One person's mental illness does not need to and should not be allowed to drag down 3 people. If he eats healthy and lower carb (protein and veg NOT pasta w/jarred sauce w/sugar in it) he may reverse own diabetes, esp if he takes up exercise. He should also get himself into counseling and see if the messages from Al Anon resonate, there are Zoom and phone meetings. If he has the money he should order healthy meal delivery for 2.

The mentally ill are unlikely to change. Think hoarding and the like. He needs to focus on what HE can control, himself and at least attempt to support the well being of his child. Her being groomed into an eating disorder by a mentally ill parent is not it. CODA may be another resource that could help him see the need to detach with love and knock off the enmeshment. His child cannot be getting proper nutrition.

Only once he and the child are healthier and have made progress in therapy should SIL's issues be focused on. She may need inpatient treatment, at minimum a qualified psych eval and outpatient treatment plus likely meds. https://psychcentral.com/eating-disorders/avoidant-restrictive-food-intake-disorder-symptoms#symptoms Even for ARFD she is on the extreme end. https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/blog/effective-treatments-adults-arfid
https://www.reddit.com/r/ARFID/comments/aqua62/can_you_have_arfid_and_be_overweight/

Even depression in a parent can have significant effects on kids, he really needs to step up and shield her. He may well be depressed and overwhelmed himself, thus the need to get support and an actionable plan re: HIS physical and mental health first. Oxygen mask. Since he has asked for help, start there.

OP here. This is one of tho most helpful posts Ive seen. I had never heard of avoidant disorder prior to today. By the way SIL has a shopping addiction and is a hoarder too. I will read up a lot on this and will send him this info.

I am beginning to think OP is a troll. So SIL is “lovely” but you now also add she is a hoarder and a shopping addict? Anything else? What is “lovely” about her?

You realize it's possible to be lively and still suffer from mental illness, right? You're the one saying they're mutually exclusive.

She has said nothing positive about SIL. She also has added important facts late in the thread.

Yeah it’s too sus when it goes from “she’s obese and eats terribly but is lovely” to she is a hoarder, shopping addict who is destroying the lives of her DH and child with her mental illness. And, in either case, OP talking to her is not going to help, especially if it’s the second scenario

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Some of you seem to have a low opinion of BIL too. In defense of him. He never minded when she was overweight etc. It was only when she developed all these health issues including diabetes and now neuropathy etc that he is starting to panic. Plus combined with his own health woes that could be vastly improved with diet.

Agreed it would not end well if we sat down with SIL. If I were carrying an extra 150 lbs I'd be sitting on the couch too. But something has got to give.

And therein lies the problem. He didn’t care for YEARS that his wife has a diet of five things and sat on the couch all the time. Really, there is a much bigger issue here and your failure to see this is really obtuse.

AND no one cares that the teen daughter is being encouraged to copy mom and keep her company in her mentally ill behaviors. As a teen she should be forming relationships with peers. Her father is no better than her mother, it is shocking. Why are extended family not concerned?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
DCUM has a very unhealthy taboo over never engaging with people who are overweight. There was a thread recently about an 18 year old who confided in her mother than her doctor had told her she was overweight, and the response was for the mother to not say a word to help her child. Pretty unfathomable to me. Here it's the same thing. You have an in-law who is literally killing herself slowly, and her husband has asked for your help, but DCUM says no, just watch them slowly die.

None of my friends or family or in-law would ever just stand by and do nothing in such circumstances.

I've been reading DCUM for 10 years, and in my mind, this is one of its most toxic aspects. Please note that DCUM always urges interventions when people are underweight, because they're deathly afraid they might have anorexia! Yet obesity kills way more people...

Well, I’d argue that DCUM posters that have a very unhealthy obsession with weight, especially other people’s weight. One just need just take 5 minutes over at the Diet and exercise board to see the level dysfunction related to food and weight, even very healthy weights that are not borderline underweight.

SIL is MORBIDLY OBESE. If you don't have any obese people in your family, if you really think MORBIDLY OBESE is the same as not hitting the gym enough or eating a pint of ice cream after your kids go to bed and feeling uncomfortable around skinny women because of it, then YOU SHOULD NOT BE POSTING ON THIS THREAD.

Obesity is a real health threat and a psychological problem that is as complex and dangerous as drug use and alcoholism. This is not petty DCUM women judging an extra few pounds. Get a clue.

It’s people like you and OP who do not see morbid obesity as the health concern it really is. OP has never checked in on the mental health of her SIL In the 20 years of her becoming morbidly obese. She’s just concerned now because SIL is actually fat. She has clearly been suffering this thing FOR QUITE SOME TIME, but no one thought to do anything about it until she was fully, unavoidably fat, because apparently no one cares about a suffering human until they are at rock bottom. Like all the people who post on here about concerns about their drinking, or people reaching out in loneliness who everyone tells to buck up, stop being a snowflake, just keep suffering.

OP is acting like this is about fat, and anyone who knows about addiction or mental illness knows that.

Sorry, last sentence should read “knows that isn’t the case at all”.

This is how addiction goes. It starts with normal use, then slowly, quietly escalates until people wonder if there is a problem but decide there isn't. A few more Thanksgiving and Christmas family gatherings come and go. A few people become aware. A few more years go by. The issue becomes obvious but no one wants to say anything. Finally it's at crisis level and there is an intervention.

The only reason this is any different -- for YOU -- is because yes, this is about FAT. Somehow saying someone is FAT is horrible but saying they are an alcoholic is okay? It's really, REALLY hard to deal with family dynamics around addiction. No need to jump all over OP simply because her issue is a SIL who is so fat she is cutting her life short. Yes, I said it. FAT.

OP here. Addiction, I've seen this pattern with her. In our early holidays, years back, she'd push the food around eat a couple bites and then disappear to the guest room where she had junk food stash. Years go by and she becomes more open with us. More recently if we go there for holidays, we will be eating say turkey mashed potatoes grave stuffing. And her DH will cook her hot dogs and she'll eat it alongside us. But then more recently her DH was getting upset at that BC their young daughter is now emulating mom. Now SIL is back to pushing food around plate and running out discreetly to McDonald's to get food a couple hours later. With her teen daughter. It's like an addiction

McDonalds was not on your list of her foods.

Why does DH cook hotdogs for her? Why doesn't she do it?

What did the child eat previously?

[Anonymous]

Honestly he needs to divorce (kid is grown so it won’t be abandonment of kid in an unhealthy home).

[Anonymous]

Ok so the kid is a high schooler? Dad needs to divorce and take the kid out of this unhealthy environment

[Anonymous]

I am a child of a hoarder who also dragged my dad down with her. She died recently which filled me with joy - dad can finally build a life for himself and I can have a more or less normal relationship with him.
Looking back, the best thing he could have done is divorced and saved us from it all. Alas he didn’t. I used to be angry about it but I get it now.
I agree the accent in this situation should be on the daughter. I was very lucky to get an opportunity to live with another family for a year and it was the best thing for my self esteem and resilience.
The mom in this thread is beyond salvation though. Not sure about the husband - he may not be free until she dies…