If you forgave infidelity, how did you do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying with my DH after his affair is one of the most difficult things I have done. I took the advice of a good friend who basically told me not to make any rash decisions and give myself the gift of time to really figure out what I wanted and what I could handle. My DH did a lot of individual therapy, changed jobs, stopped traveling, and signed a post-nup with a cheating clause. He has made every effort to regain my trust.

We communicate much better now and our kids are thriving. With that being said, there is not one day that goes by that I do not think about it. It is really a terrible trauma to live through. Sometimes what is worse than the fact of the affair is going back and remembering what I was like those initial few weeks. Couldn't eat, sleep, lost 15 pounds, pulled over on the side of the road and sobbed often, sat in the doctor's office crying while I got checked for STDs. I had such a displaced sense of reality and felt like a walking zombie. I am happy that I stayed mainly but sometimes I do wonder whether healing from my trauma would have been easier if I left.

can you still have sex with him? do you still feel affection or attraction towards him?

I know it’s difficult to get rid of that psychological pain memory from the first shock, it’s ptsd, and there are likely daily reminders of the trauma; in the end, you get addicted to that self-pity and although it doesn’t make you feel good, it does activate stress hormones, it makes you alive, like all drug addictions, it’s not healthy, you need your health for your kids
I don’t know if you’re religious, I’m not super but I’m a little and I do have faith in the universe, just think this is God’s will, don’t be afraid, he walks in front of you, this is how the universe goes around or expands or whatever, marvel at the human nature and it’s misery of not being able to control basic instincts, don’t think it’s about you and what you could have done or did not do, because in the big scheme of things it doesn’t matter
I’m talking big but I’m like you, still working with myself to get over it after more than 25years … it is what it is, some people go through affairs, others get cancer, get into accidents and so on, have their kids shot at school by some maniac, all men btw, these animals, never heard of one woman

+1 I agree with all of this and at the same time I think--how can a married woman with kids to this to another woman. I get that everyone says men are less evolved (like your last statement), but in many of these instances the men are doing it with other married women that also have kids. It's an unusually brutal thing.

Thinking about his wife and two little kids is mainly what stopped me from having an affair.

What if the wife is a terrible person, terrible mother?

But what if she's not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay with a spouse who cheats just "for the kids." That's a terrible burden to put on them.

How is that a burden on them? So I shouldn't have married either because I married for the kids. Yes, he is wonderful man, but we would have remained boyfriend/ girlfriend if I did not want kids

I guess it's different for those who marry primarily for romantic love. I love my DH very much. But I did not marry him because of that. I married him because I thought marriage was the best institution under which we could raise children. So staying for those children can still make sense if he cheats.

Why do you keep giving advice when your spouse hasn't even cheated? It's all very theoretical for you. I don't think you understand that cheaters cheat the same way an alcoholic drinks too much. They justify it over and over. It's not a one time thing usually. Are you from another country where divorce isn't allowed or is really frowned upon? In the US it's not as big of a stigma. In fact it would be weird to know about your spouse having sex with someone else and you still staying in the marriage.

Are you from a country where not divorcing a spouse who cheated is a stigma? Now that's weird.

In America, women who don’t divorce their cheating spouse absolutely face stigma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay with a spouse who cheats just "for the kids." That's a terrible burden to put on them.

How is that a burden on them? So I shouldn't have married either because I married for the kids. Yes, he is wonderful man, but we would have remained boyfriend/ girlfriend if I did not want kids

I guess it's different for those who marry primarily for romantic love. I love my DH very much. But I did not marry him because of that. I married him because I thought marriage was the best institution under which we could raise children. So staying for those children can still make sense if he cheats.

Why do you keep giving advice when your spouse hasn't even cheated? It's all very theoretical for you. I don't think you understand that cheaters cheat the same way an alcoholic drinks too much. They justify it over and over. It's not a one time thing usually. Are you from another country where divorce isn't allowed or is really frowned upon? In the US it's not as big of a stigma. In fact it would be weird to know about your spouse having sex with someone else and you still staying in the marriage.

Are you from a country where not divorcing a spouse who cheated is a stigma? Now that's weird.

In America, women who don’t divorce their cheating spouse absolutely face stigma.

This is true but women who leave face a stigma too, if they have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay with a spouse who cheats just "for the kids." That's a terrible burden to put on them.

How is that a burden on them? So I shouldn't have married either because I married for the kids. Yes, he is wonderful man, but we would have remained boyfriend/ girlfriend if I did not want kids

I guess it's different for those who marry primarily for romantic love. I love my DH very much. But I did not marry him because of that. I married him because I thought marriage was the best institution under which we could raise children. So staying for those children can still make sense if he cheats.

Why do you keep giving advice when your spouse hasn't even cheated? It's all very theoretical for you. I don't think you understand that cheaters cheat the same way an alcoholic drinks too much. They justify it over and over. It's not a one time thing usually. Are you from another country where divorce isn't allowed or is really frowned upon? In the US it's not as big of a stigma. In fact it would be weird to know about your spouse having sex with someone else and you still staying in the marriage.

Are you from a country where not divorcing a spouse who cheated is a stigma? Now that's weird.

In America, women who don’t divorce their cheating spouse absolutely face stigma.

This is true but women who leave face a stigma too, if they have kids.

Nowhere near the stigma of those that reconcile.

And men whose wives cheat face the biggest stigma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying with my DH after his affair is one of the most difficult things I have done. I took the advice of a good friend who basically told me not to make any rash decisions and give myself the gift of time to really figure out what I wanted and what I could handle. My DH did a lot of individual therapy, changed jobs, stopped traveling, and signed a post-nup with a cheating clause. He has made every effort to regain my trust.

We communicate much better now and our kids are thriving. With that being said, there is not one day that goes by that I do not think about it. It is really a terrible trauma to live through. Sometimes what is worse than the fact of the affair is going back and remembering what I was like those initial few weeks. Couldn't eat, sleep, lost 15 pounds, pulled over on the side of the road and sobbed often, sat in the doctor's office crying while I got checked for STDs. I had such a displaced sense of reality and felt like a walking zombie. I am happy that I stayed mainly but sometimes I do wonder whether healing from my trauma would have been easier if I left.

can you still have sex with him? do you still feel affection or attraction towards him?

I know it’s difficult to get rid of that psychological pain memory from the first shock, it’s ptsd, and there are likely daily reminders of the trauma; in the end, you get addicted to that self-pity and although it doesn’t make you feel good, it does activate stress hormones, it makes you alive, like all drug addictions, it’s not healthy, you need your health for your kids
I don’t know if you’re religious, I’m not super but I’m a little and I do have faith in the universe, just think this is God’s will, don’t be afraid, he walks in front of you, this is how the universe goes around or expands or whatever, marvel at the human nature and it’s misery of not being able to control basic instincts, don’t think it’s about you and what you could have done or did not do, because in the big scheme of things it doesn’t matter
I’m talking big but I’m like you, still working with myself to get over it after more than 25years … it is what it is, some people go through affairs, others get cancer, get into accidents and so on, have their kids shot at school by some maniac, all men btw, these animals, never heard of one woman

So, the fact that you were cheated on is God’s will? When your spouse was screaming around with another person God did that so you could have a trial and learn and grow?

I get the idea of turning something bad that happened as a trial that you can use to refine your understanding of life and be stronger as a person but I don’t get the idea that it’s God’s will. Even when I was very religious I just thought that God doesn’t want people to make mistakes but he lets them even if they hurt other people. And we don’t have to just let others keep hurting us.

Not saying you are wrong for staying and I’m glad you find comfort in the thought but I do wonder if this kind of attitude could be twisted by cheaters to assuage their guilt or by wayward spouses to keep themselves in abusive situations.

This is a huge disagreement n churches about predestination free will and soteriology. Many people think predestination views are from gnostic traditions and not Christianity, but that's a discussion for the religious forum. And it absolutely is twisted by cheaters and other people doing bad things. It was god's will that I did this thing I felt compelled to do that I knew was wrong and he will determine if something good or bad comes of it. I have to have faith and trust in him and he will reform me if it's his will. He has a plan for me. Literally happening every day all over the planet with many different religions. Abdication of free will. Abdication of sin and repentance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay with a spouse who cheats just "for the kids." That's a terrible burden to put on them.

How is that a burden on them? So I shouldn't have married either because I married for the kids. Yes, he is wonderful man, but we would have remained boyfriend/ girlfriend if I did not want kids

I guess it's different for those who marry primarily for romantic love. I love my DH very much. But I did not marry him because of that. I married him because I thought marriage was the best institution under which we could raise children. So staying for those children can still make sense if he cheats.

Why do you keep giving advice when your spouse hasn't even cheated? It's all very theoretical for you. I don't think you understand that cheaters cheat the same way an alcoholic drinks too much. They justify it over and over. It's not a one time thing usually. Are you from another country where divorce isn't allowed or is really frowned upon? In the US it's not as big of a stigma. In fact it would be weird to know about your spouse having sex with someone else and you still staying in the marriage.

Are you from a country where not divorcing a spouse who cheated is a stigma? Now that's weird.

In America, women who don’t divorce their cheating spouse absolutely face stigma.

This is true but women who leave face a stigma too, if they have kids.

Nowhere near the stigma of those that reconcile.

And men whose wives cheat face the biggest stigma.

IME, all divorced or single women with kids face huge stigma - we have gone outside the control of men. Often we are seem as threats to the marriages around us. The single woman is seen as someone who will “steal” the spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay with a spouse who cheats just "for the kids." That's a terrible burden to put on them.

How is that a burden on them? So I shouldn't have married either because I married for the kids. Yes, he is wonderful man, but we would have remained boyfriend/ girlfriend if I did not want kids

I guess it's different for those who marry primarily for romantic love. I love my DH very much. But I did not marry him because of that. I married him because I thought marriage was the best institution under which we could raise children. So staying for those children can still make sense if he cheats.

Why do you keep giving advice when your spouse hasn't even cheated? It's all very theoretical for you. I don't think you understand that cheaters cheat the same way an alcoholic drinks too much. They justify it over and over. It's not a one time thing usually. Are you from another country where divorce isn't allowed or is really frowned upon? In the US it's not as big of a stigma. In fact it would be weird to know about your spouse having sex with someone else and you still staying in the marriage.

Are you from a country where not divorcing a spouse who cheated is a stigma? Now that's weird.

In America, women who don’t divorce their cheating spouse absolutely face stigma.

This is true but women who leave face a stigma too, if they have kids.

Nowhere near the stigma of those that reconcile.

And men whose wives cheat face the biggest stigma.

IME, all divorced or single women with kids face huge stigma - we have gone outside the control of men. Often we are seem as threats to the marriages around us. The single woman is seen as someone who will “steal” the spouse.

+1 I have heard time and time again how a woman with was selfish for not staying in the relationship because she should have just dealt with her issues rather than blow up her kids’ lives. And some people definitely avoid divorced people and think there is something wrong with them. Like “well she must have something wrong to drive him to cheat.”

And of course you hear the “she stated? She has no self-respect” or “she must be staying for the money.”

You really can’t win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay with a spouse who cheats just "for the kids." That's a terrible burden to put on them.

How is that a burden on them? So I shouldn't have married either because I married for the kids. Yes, he is wonderful man, but we would have remained boyfriend/ girlfriend if I did not want kids

I guess it's different for those who marry primarily for romantic love. I love my DH very much. But I did not marry him because of that. I married him because I thought marriage was the best institution under which we could raise children. So staying for those children can still make sense if he cheats.

Why do you keep giving advice when your spouse hasn't even cheated? It's all very theoretical for you. I don't think you understand that cheaters cheat the same way an alcoholic drinks too much. They justify it over and over. It's not a one time thing usually. Are you from another country where divorce isn't allowed or is really frowned upon? In the US it's not as big of a stigma. In fact it would be weird to know about your spouse having sex with someone else and you still staying in the marriage.

Are you from a country where not divorcing a spouse who cheated is a stigma? Now that's weird.

In America, women who don’t divorce their cheating spouse absolutely face stigma.

This is true but women who leave face a stigma too, if they have kids.

Nowhere near the stigma of those that reconcile.

And men whose wives cheat face the biggest stigma.

IME, all divorced or single women with kids face huge stigma - we have gone outside the control of men. Often we are seem as threats to the marriages around us. The single woman is seen as someone who will “steal” the spouse.

+1 I have heard time and time again how a woman with was selfish for not staying in the relationship because she should have just dealt with her issues rather than blow up her kids’ lives. And some people definitely avoid divorced people and think there is something wrong with them. Like “well she must have something wrong to drive him to cheat.”

And of course you hear the “she stated? She has no self-respect” or “she must be staying for the money.”

You really can’t win.

This is why the vast majority that do choose to forgive never tell anyone. Too much stigma. This causes even more trauma and makes everyone feel like they are the only one to have this happen in a marriage.

The rates are much, much higher (not even including the many marriages where it goes undiscovered) than self-reported surveys show.

Also, many will keep it silent because they don't want it to affect their children or their children's view of their parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay with a spouse who cheats just "for the kids." That's a terrible burden to put on them.

How is that a burden on them? So I shouldn't have married either because I married for the kids. Yes, he is wonderful man, but we would have remained boyfriend/ girlfriend if I did not want kids

I guess it's different for those who marry primarily for romantic love. I love my DH very much. But I did not marry him because of that. I married him because I thought marriage was the best institution under which we could raise children. So staying for those children can still make sense if he cheats.

I grew up in a family where my Dad cheated on my Mom continuously. Watching her stay for us, knowing there was no love, no respect, no truth between my parents was very difficult. I often wondered why my mother didn't respect herself more. She wasn't doing herself, OR HER KIDS, any favors by staying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay with a spouse who cheats just "for the kids." That's a terrible burden to put on them.

How is that a burden on them? So I shouldn't have married either because I married for the kids. Yes, he is wonderful man, but we would have remained boyfriend/ girlfriend if I did not want kids

I guess it's different for those who marry primarily for romantic love. I love my DH very much. But I did not marry him because of that. I married him because I thought marriage was the best institution under which we could raise children. So staying for those children can still make sense if he cheats.

I grew up in a family where my Dad cheated on my Mom continuously. Watching her stay for us, knowing there was no love, no respect, no truth between my parents was very difficult. I often wondered why my mother didn't respect herself more. She wasn't doing herself, OR HER KIDS, any favors by staying.

That's one story. There are so many different stories and scenarios. There are many marriages where there is lots of love and a happy home--but mom or dad cheated once and the kids had zero idea. Not every cheater is a serial cheater and a horrible parent/spouse/person.

A bad marriage can be many things. The environment can be very toxic even when there is no cheating on either side. Yes, in an awful marriage and home environment--a divorce may be in the best interest of the kids. But, your example is just that: your example. And, obviously, you are still very bitter about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay with a spouse who cheats just "for the kids." That's a terrible burden to put on them.

How is that a burden on them? So I shouldn't have married either because I married for the kids. Yes, he is wonderful man, but we would have remained boyfriend/ girlfriend if I did not want kids

I guess it's different for those who marry primarily for romantic love. I love my DH very much. But I did not marry him because of that. I married him because I thought marriage was the best institution under which we could raise children. So staying for those children can still make sense if he cheats.

I grew up in a family where my Dad cheated on my Mom continuously. Watching her stay for us, knowing there was no love, no respect, no truth between my parents was very difficult. I often wondered why my mother didn't respect herself more. She wasn't doing herself, OR HER KIDS, any favors by staying.

I hope you have gotten therapy. You still sound very troubled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying with my DH after his affair is one of the most difficult things I have done. I took the advice of a good friend who basically told me not to make any rash decisions and give myself the gift of time to really figure out what I wanted and what I could handle. My DH did a lot of individual therapy, changed jobs, stopped traveling, and signed a post-nup with a cheating clause. He has made every effort to regain my trust.

We communicate much better now and our kids are thriving. With that being said, there is not one day that goes by that I do not think about it. It is really a terrible trauma to live through. Sometimes what is worse than the fact of the affair is going back and remembering what I was like those initial few weeks. Couldn't eat, sleep, lost 15 pounds, pulled over on the side of the road and sobbed often, sat in the doctor's office crying while I got checked for STDs. I had such a displaced sense of reality and felt like a walking zombie. I am happy that I stayed mainly but sometimes I do wonder whether healing from my trauma would have been easier if I left.

can you still have sex with him? do you still feel affection or attraction towards him?

I know it’s difficult to get rid of that psychological pain memory from the first shock, it’s ptsd, and there are likely daily reminders of the trauma; in the end, you get addicted to that self-pity and although it doesn’t make you feel good, it does activate stress hormones, it makes you alive, like all drug addictions, it’s not healthy, you need your health for your kids
I don’t know if you’re religious, I’m not super but I’m a little and I do have faith in the universe, just think this is God’s will, don’t be afraid, he walks in front of you, this is how the universe goes around or expands or whatever, marvel at the human nature and it’s misery of not being able to control basic instincts, don’t think it’s about you and what you could have done or did not do, because in the big scheme of things it doesn’t matter
I’m talking big but I’m like you, still working with myself to get over it after more than 25years … it is what it is, some people go through affairs, others get cancer, get into accidents and so on, have their kids shot at school by some maniac, all men btw, these animals, never heard of one woman

This makes no sense though why you would stay. If you stay you would get more daily reminders so unhealthy and regardless of what misery there is in the universe there is no rule that you have to live with it forever. Most people realize bad things happen to good people but they do expect the good people to get away from the abuse if they can or receive help for themselves if it's offered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay with a spouse who cheats just "for the kids." That's a terrible burden to put on them.

How is that a burden on them? So I shouldn't have married either because I married for the kids. Yes, he is wonderful man, but we would have remained boyfriend/ girlfriend if I did not want kids

I guess it's different for those who marry primarily for romantic love. I love my DH very much. But I did not marry him because of that. I married him because I thought marriage was the best institution under which we could raise children. So staying for those children can still make sense if he cheats.

I grew up in a family where my Dad cheated on my Mom continuously. Watching her stay for us, knowing there was no love, no respect, no truth between my parents was very difficult. I often wondered why my mother didn't respect herself more. She wasn't doing herself, OR HER KIDS, any favors by staying.

I hope you have gotten therapy. You still sound very troubled.

Obnoxious thing to say. You sound very troubled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay with a spouse who cheats just "for the kids." That's a terrible burden to put on them.

How is that a burden on them? So I shouldn't have married either because I married for the kids. Yes, he is wonderful man, but we would have remained boyfriend/ girlfriend if I did not want kids

I guess it's different for those who marry primarily for romantic love. I love my DH very much. But I did not marry him because of that. I married him because I thought marriage was the best institution under which we could raise children. So staying for those children can still make sense if he cheats.

I grew up in a family where my Dad cheated on my Mom continuously. Watching her stay for us, knowing there was no love, no respect, no truth between my parents was very difficult. I often wondered why my mother didn't respect herself more. She wasn't doing herself, OR HER KIDS, any favors by staying.

That's one story. There are so many different stories and scenarios. There are many marriages where there is lots of love and a happy home--but mom or dad cheated once and the kids had zero idea. Not every cheater is a serial cheater and a horrible parent/spouse/person.

A bad marriage can be many things. The environment can be very toxic even when there is no cheating on either side. Yes, in an awful marriage and home environment--a divorce may be in the best interest of the kids. But, your example is just that: your example. And, obviously, you are still very bitter about it.

+100

I know so many stories where the kids are blissfully unaware, even after the parents are gone. They still hold them on a pedestal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay with a spouse who cheats just "for the kids." That's a terrible burden to put on them.

How is that a burden on them? So I shouldn't have married either because I married for the kids. Yes, he is wonderful man, but we would have remained boyfriend/ girlfriend if I did not want kids

I guess it's different for those who marry primarily for romantic love. I love my DH very much. But I did not marry him because of that. I married him because I thought marriage was the best institution under which we could raise children. So staying for those children can still make sense if he cheats.

I grew up in a family where my Dad cheated on my Mom continuously. Watching her stay for us, knowing there was no love, no respect, no truth between my parents was very difficult. I often wondered why my mother didn't respect herself more. She wasn't doing herself, OR HER KIDS, any favors by staying.

Do you think there's some internalized misogyny here? At least in this statement, you're directly all of your anger towards the person who ill used, rather than the person who was using her ill. She probably thought she was making the best choice out of only bad choices.