If you forgave infidelity, how did you do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are closing in on three years post discovery only. I dont think I will ever forgove and I dont think he will forgove himself. But we do both understand a lot more where the decision came from and so much about his family and past trauma that led to it. It is working through it almost daily though and with excellent therapy. Not for the faint of heat but dh was determined to try to keep me/ us. I initially agreed to let him stay for 3 months and just kept extending it as he worked and worked and changed. He is a much better man now in so many ways. I think if I did not understand where the issues came from I could not let him stay and he is totally transparent also. But the mental movies are so awful and it brought up all kinds of trauma for me as well. I am working on studying self compassion now.

Very, very similar to my situation. A little over 2 years out. Spouse still beats themselves up pretty bad over it.

[Anonymous]

is it possible to move on if spouse still denys it ever happened?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:is it possible to move on if spouse still denys it ever happened?

Maybe it did not happen. In any case, in this situation, you are probably in a dead marriage and should leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd read Esther Perel's books as a start.

please don't. She's an affair apologist and implies the marriage or the BS, had something to do with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:is it possible to move on if spouse still denys it ever happened?

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd read Esther Perel's books as a start.

please don't. She's an affair apologist and implies the marriage or the BS, had something to do with it.

Your comment proves you've never read any of her work.

[Anonymous]

I believe forgiveness is something you practice, something you choose. It's not something you feel or is "one and done."

I focus on gratitude for everything we have and have overcome. I focus on humility and having compassion for DH's humanity. I remember that infidelity is sadly a very common response to life's stresses by people who haven't developed the right coping skills yet.

I choose not to live in bitterness, for my sake as much as anyone else's. I say thanks for the chance to remain together and experience so much joy in our marriage and family. I acknowledge my spouse's continuing efforts to better himself and be a healthy and whole person.

Maybe it's a mindset more than anything. It's certainly not just saying, "I forgive you" and feeling some kind of weight lifted magically. It doesn't work that way. It takes tilting your heart towards joy and love and peace on a daily basis.

[Anonymous]

I guess I was never an idealist who thought "this could never happen to me" so it wasn't a total shock that my attractive, wealthy DH strayed. It wasn't a deep profession of love long-term affair. It takes time to heal and I suppose I will never fully trust him but I would never fully trust any man. Men are men. The devil you know. And I am not giving up my house, full-time access to kids, financial stability because he filled some stupid urge with another woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd read Esther Perel's books as a start.

please don't. She's an affair apologist and implies the marriage or the BS, had something to do with it.

Your comment proves you've never read any of her work.

She's a mess of a person. I agree that she's an affair apologist. She's only popular because of her TED talks and people who have affairs of course love her.

[Anonymous]

OP. Be prepared for your spouse to continue to lie. I would hold off on couple's counseling. Liars will just blame shift and manipulate the therapy sessions. They can do their own therapy. Set your boundaries and then see what happens and work from there. Work from actions, not words.

[Anonymous]

How could anyone stay with someone who destroys the marriage vows?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I was never an idealist who thought "this could never happen to me" so it wasn't a total shock that my attractive, wealthy DH strayed. It wasn't a deep profession of love long-term affair. It takes time to heal and I suppose I will never fully trust him but I would never fully trust any man. Men are men. The devil you know. And I am not giving up my house, full-time access to kids, financial stability because he filled some stupid urge with another woman.

This right here, and my DH is not even wealthy. I have never been cheated on by my DH, and i would be devastated if it happened. However, there is no man like my DH. No one can love my children like he does, in either action or words. And he definitely loves me too. An affair cannot change that. I'd rather be sad and my children get to see both parents everyday than be sad and seeing my children only on certain days. There's no way I'd be happier if my children had to split time between their dad and me. I'd rather not trust him under the same roof.

Like PP said, the devil you know. I am sticking with this one.

Now physical abuse is a separate issue. I would be out the door before he blinks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't even know where to start. Thank you.

Having been through this the first thing I would say is you don’t have to do anything. It’s all on your partner if they want to stay in a relationship with you. I was willing to accept a lot to keep the family together and the harsh lesson was that they were not. Look up the 180 if don’t know about it. It is absolutely the most painful experience but also you can have a fabulous life without them. Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How could anyone stay with someone who destroys the marriage vows?

I married my DH because I thought he will be a wonderful father. He is. Him sleeping with someone else can jeopardize that but does not necessarily destroy his ability to remain a wonderful father.

So yeah, all marriage vows are not created equal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. Be prepared for your spouse to continue to lie. I would hold off on couple's counseling. Liars will just blame shift and manipulate the therapy sessions. They can do their own therapy. Set your boundaries and then see what happens and work from there. Work from actions, not words.

+1000

Be careful about how you use Lawyers and therapists. It’s a good way to waste money