If you forgave infidelity, how did you do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying with my DH after his affair is one of the most difficult things I have done. I took the advice of a good friend who basically told me not to make any rash decisions and give myself the gift of time to really figure out what I wanted and what I could handle. My DH did a lot of individual therapy, changed jobs, stopped traveling, and signed a post-nup with a cheating clause. He has made every effort to regain my trust.

We communicate much better now and our kids are thriving. With that being said, there is not one day that goes by that I do not think about it. It is really a terrible trauma to live through. Sometimes what is worse than the fact of the affair is going back and remembering what I was like those initial few weeks. Couldn't eat, sleep, lost 15 pounds, pulled over on the side of the road and sobbed often, sat in the doctor's office crying while I got checked for STDs. I had such a displaced sense of reality and felt like a walking zombie. I am happy that I stayed mainly but sometimes I do wonder whether healing from my trauma would have been easier if I left.

I had to think: did I write this? This is exactly my experience as well. So much trauma.

As someone who is 19 years out from the initial infidelity, 17 years out from ending the relationship and whose youngest just recently graduated and will leave for college in the fall, I would say that the amount of trauma was huge, continuous (because the same traits of lying, manipulation, inability to negotiate explicitly and politely, self-centeredness, lack of empathy, etc.) and only got better with each step I could take away from my exDH.

I look forward to the empty nest. I know I will miss my kids tremendously, but it will be the first time I can look forward to months and months of no contact with exDH. I feel safe and happy when he is not around and unsafe, unhappy and constantly on watch when he is.

I cannot imagine staying any longer than the two years I did. I would have recovered from the trauma much more quickly had I cut contact and parallel parented from the moment of the break up. Unfortunately, the culture demands women be silent about their abuse and nice to their abusers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay with a spouse who cheats just "for the kids." That's a terrible burden to put on them.

How is that a burden on them? So I shouldn't have married either because I married for the kids. Yes, he is wonderful man, but we would have remained boyfriend/ girlfriend if I did not want kids

I guess it's different for those who marry primarily for romantic love. I love my DH very much. But I did not marry him because of that. I married him because I thought marriage was the best institution under which we could raise children. So staying for those children can still make sense if he cheats.

Why do you keep giving advice when your spouse hasn't even cheated? It's all very theoretical for you. I don't think you understand that cheaters cheat the same way an alcoholic drinks too much. They justify it over and over. It's not a one time thing usually. Are you from another country where divorce isn't allowed or is really frowned upon? In the US it's not as big of a stigma. In fact it would be weird to know about your spouse having sex with someone else and you still staying in the marriage.

NP. Oh, sorry, now only people who were cheated on can have an opinion on whether *they* would stay in *their* own marriage for the sake of the kids? The marital unit is a basic building block of society. People can and do make mistakes. Would you divorce over a DUI? A lapse in judgement related to childcare? A financial loss? Not all situations are the same. Sure, some cheaters are scum of the earth. But many are not, despite having terrible coping mechanisms and impulse control.

And no, i've neither cheated nor been cheated on to my knowledge but DH and I discuss temptations and we both know it's a complicated thing, and neither of us think we are somehow magically protected from the risk of being on either side of infidelity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay with a spouse who cheats just "for the kids." That's a terrible burden to put on them.

How is that a burden on them? So I shouldn't have married either because I married for the kids. Yes, he is wonderful man, but we would have remained boyfriend/ girlfriend if I did not want kids

I guess it's different for those who marry primarily for romantic love. I love my DH very much. But I did not marry him because of that. I married him because I thought marriage was the best institution under which we could raise children. So staying for those children can still make sense if he cheats.

Why do you keep giving advice when your spouse hasn't even cheated? It's all very theoretical for you. I don't think you understand that cheaters cheat the same way an alcoholic drinks too much. They justify it over and over. It's not a one time thing usually. Are you from another country where divorce isn't allowed or is really frowned upon? In the US it's not as big of a stigma. In fact it would be weird to know about your spouse having sex with someone else and you still staying in the marriage.

NP. Oh, sorry, now only people who were cheated on can have an opinion on whether *they* would stay in *their* own marriage for the sake of the kids? The marital unit is a basic building block of society. People can and do make mistakes. Would you divorce over a DUI? A lapse in judgement related to childcare? A financial loss? Not all situations are the same. Sure, some cheaters are scum of the earth. But many are not, despite having terrible coping mechanisms and impulse control.

And no, i've neither cheated nor been cheated on to my knowledge but DH and I discuss temptations and we both know it's a complicated thing, and neither of us think we are somehow magically protected from the risk of being on either side of infidelity.

Well for instance I would have thought I would have stayed if my spouse had said sorry and worked on things in the marriage. If it was a one time thing. Or perhaps would have thought I could have swept it under the rug and somehow just gotten along without sex. Well that was impossible. There were monetary problems with money disappearing. People coming over to the house for sex. All of our conversations changed. He was a completely different person. Constantly lying and about stupid stuff like what he bought at the store. Not just the same person but just with infidelity. So no, I don't think you can predict how you would react or what situation you find yourself in. You can predict but it would be a partial truth because you've never actually lived it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay with a spouse who cheats just "for the kids." That's a terrible burden to put on them.

How is that a burden on them? So I shouldn't have married either because I married for the kids. Yes, he is wonderful man, but we would have remained boyfriend/ girlfriend if I did not want kids

I guess it's different for those who marry primarily for romantic love. I love my DH very much. But I did not marry him because of that. I married him because I thought marriage was the best institution under which we could raise children. So staying for those children can still make sense if he cheats.

Why do you keep giving advice when your spouse hasn't even cheated? It's all very theoretical for you. I don't think you understand that cheaters cheat the same way an alcoholic drinks too much. They justify it over and over. It's not a one time thing usually. Are you from another country where divorce isn't allowed or is really frowned upon? In the US it's not as big of a stigma. In fact it would be weird to know about your spouse having sex with someone else and you still staying in the marriage.

NP. Oh, sorry, now only people who were cheated on can have an opinion on whether *they* would stay in *their* own marriage for the sake of the kids? The marital unit is a basic building block of society. People can and do make mistakes. Would you divorce over a DUI? A lapse in judgement related to childcare? A financial loss? Not all situations are the same. Sure, some cheaters are scum of the earth. But many are not, despite having terrible coping mechanisms and impulse control.

And no, i've neither cheated nor been cheated on to my knowledge but DH and I discuss temptations and we both know it's a complicated thing, and neither of us think we are somehow magically protected from the risk of being on either side of infidelity.

Well for instance I would have thought I would have stayed if my spouse had said sorry and worked on things in the marriage. If it was a one time thing. Or perhaps would have thought I could have swept it under the rug and somehow just gotten along without sex. Well that was impossible. There were monetary problems with money disappearing. People coming over to the house for sex. All of our conversations changed. He was a completely different person. Constantly lying and about stupid stuff like what he bought at the store. Not just the same person but just with infidelity. So no, I don't think you can predict how you would react or what situation you find yourself in. You can predict but it would be a partial truth because you've never actually lived it.

I haven’t had to deal with infidelity but I agree that those of us who haven’t shouldnt be blabbing at those who have about what they would do. I think completely differently about this than I did ten years ago, and that’s just from hearing stories from others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay with a spouse who cheats just "for the kids." That's a terrible burden to put on them.

How is that a burden on them? So I shouldn't have married either because I married for the kids. Yes, he is wonderful man, but we would have remained boyfriend/ girlfriend if I did not want kids

I guess it's different for those who marry primarily for romantic love. I love my DH very much. But I did not marry him because of that. I married him because I thought marriage was the best institution under which we could raise children. So staying for those children can still make sense if he cheats.

Why do you keep giving advice when your spouse hasn't even cheated? It's all very theoretical for you. I don't think you understand that cheaters cheat the same way an alcoholic drinks too much. They justify it over and over. It's not a one time thing usually. Are you from another country where divorce isn't allowed or is really frowned upon? In the US it's not as big of a stigma. In fact it would be weird to know about your spouse having sex with someone else and you still staying in the marriage.

NP. Oh, sorry, now only people who were cheated on can have an opinion on whether *they* would stay in *their* own marriage for the sake of the kids? The marital unit is a basic building block of society. People can and do make mistakes. Would you divorce over a DUI? A lapse in judgement related to childcare? A financial loss? Not all situations are the same. Sure, some cheaters are scum of the earth. But many are not, despite having terrible coping mechanisms and impulse control.

And no, i've neither cheated nor been cheated on to my knowledge but DH and I discuss temptations and we both know it's a complicated thing, and neither of us think we are somehow magically protected from the risk of being on either side of infidelity.

Well for instance I would have thought I would have stayed if my spouse had said sorry and worked on things in the marriage. If it was a one time thing. Or perhaps would have thought I could have swept it under the rug and somehow just gotten along without sex. Well that was impossible. There were monetary problems with money disappearing. People coming over to the house for sex. All of our conversations changed. He was a completely different person. Constantly lying and about stupid stuff like what he bought at the store. Not just the same person but just with infidelity. So no, I don't think you can predict how you would react or what situation you find yourself in. You can predict but it would be a partial truth because you've never actually lived it.

Of course you cannot predict it. I don't think anyone can predict much of anything. That's basically my point.

[Anonymous]

I’ll tell you what was entirely predictable for me - that my then DH, upon being confronted, would ask me to allow him to stay and promise to do the things I said were necessary to stay, but that he wouldn’t.

I remember saying to him the night I confronted him - “don’t ask for this if you cannot stop being unfaithful and cannot do the things you are promising.”

My gut told me that night that he couldn’t and wouldn’t, but he, of course, made more empty promises.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay with a spouse who cheats just "for the kids." That's a terrible burden to put on them.

How is that a burden on them? So I shouldn't have married either because I married for the kids. Yes, he is wonderful man, but we would have remained boyfriend/ girlfriend if I did not want kids

I guess it's different for those who marry primarily for romantic love. I love my DH very much. But I did not marry him because of that. I married him because I thought marriage was the best institution under which we could raise children. So staying for those children can still make sense if he cheats.

Why do you keep giving advice when your spouse hasn't even cheated? It's all very theoretical for you. I don't think you understand that cheaters cheat the same way an alcoholic drinks too much. They justify it over and over. It's not a one time thing usually. Are you from another country where divorce isn't allowed or is really frowned upon? In the US it's not as big of a stigma. In fact it would be weird to know about your spouse having sex with someone else and you still staying in the marriage.

NP. Oh, sorry, now only people who were cheated on can have an opinion on whether *they* would stay in *their* own marriage for the sake of the kids? The marital unit is a basic building block of society. People can and do make mistakes. Would you divorce over a DUI? A lapse in judgement related to childcare? A financial loss? Not all situations are the same. Sure, some cheaters are scum of the earth. But many are not, despite having terrible coping mechanisms and impulse control.

And no, i've neither cheated nor been cheated on to my knowledge but DH and I discuss temptations and we both know it's a complicated thing, and neither of us think we are somehow magically protected from the risk of being on either side of infidelity.

Well for instance I would have thought I would have stayed if my spouse had said sorry and worked on things in the marriage. If it was a one time thing. Or perhaps would have thought I could have swept it under the rug and somehow just gotten along without sex. Well that was impossible. There were monetary problems with money disappearing. People coming over to the house for sex. All of our conversations changed. He was a completely different person. Constantly lying and about stupid stuff like what he bought at the store. Not just the same person but just with infidelity. So no, I don't think you can predict how you would react or what situation you find yourself in. You can predict but it would be a partial truth because you've never actually lived it.

Of course you cannot predict it. I don't think anyone can predict much of anything. That's basically my point.

I have no idea what your point is. Just because you can't predict it you should stay regardless? That makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

Anyone can have an opinion about anything. But it is just a good idea in general to be humble about exactly what you would do if X happens. Also, X can be a wide range of things, infidelity is not identical and the details may matter quite a bit. Those of us who have been with our partners for several decades and then faced cheating are telling you that you don’t know what you will really do and so much depends on what your partner does next. Humility develops usually as we mature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay with a spouse who cheats just "for the kids." That's a terrible burden to put on them.

How is that a burden on them? So I shouldn't have married either because I married for the kids. Yes, he is wonderful man, but we would have remained boyfriend/ girlfriend if I did not want kids

I guess it's different for those who marry primarily for romantic love. I love my DH very much. But I did not marry him because of that. I married him because I thought marriage was the best institution under which we could raise children. So staying for those children can still make sense if he cheats.

Why do you keep giving advice when your spouse hasn't even cheated? It's all very theoretical for you. I don't think you understand that cheaters cheat the same way an alcoholic drinks too much. They justify it over and over. It's not a one time thing usually. Are you from another country where divorce isn't allowed or is really frowned upon? In the US it's not as big of a stigma. In fact it would be weird to know about your spouse having sex with someone else and you still staying in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay with a spouse who cheats just "for the kids." That's a terrible burden to put on them.

How is that a burden on them? So I shouldn't have married either because I married for the kids. Yes, he is wonderful man, but we would have remained boyfriend/ girlfriend if I did not want kids

I guess it's different for those who marry primarily for romantic love. I love my DH very much. But I did not marry him because of that. I married him because I thought marriage was the best institution under which we could raise children. So staying for those children can still make sense if he cheats.

Why do you keep giving advice when your spouse hasn't even cheated? It's all very theoretical for you. I don't think you understand that cheaters cheat the same way an alcoholic drinks too much. They justify it over and over. It's not a one time thing usually. Are you from another country where divorce isn't allowed or is really frowned upon? In the US it's not as big of a stigma. In fact it would be weird to know about your spouse having sex with someone else and you still staying in the marriage.

Are you from a country where not divorcing a spouse who cheated is a stigma? Now that's weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying with my DH after his affair is one of the most difficult things I have done. I took the advice of a good friend who basically told me not to make any rash decisions and give myself the gift of time to really figure out what I wanted and what I could handle. My DH did a lot of individual therapy, changed jobs, stopped traveling, and signed a post-nup with a cheating clause. He has made every effort to regain my trust.

We communicate much better now and our kids are thriving. With that being said, there is not one day that goes by that I do not think about it. It is really a terrible trauma to live through. Sometimes what is worse than the fact of the affair is going back and remembering what I was like those initial few weeks. Couldn't eat, sleep, lost 15 pounds, pulled over on the side of the road and sobbed often, sat in the doctor's office crying while I got checked for STDs. I had such a displaced sense of reality and felt like a walking zombie. I am happy that I stayed mainly but sometimes I do wonder whether healing from my trauma would have been easier if I left.

can you still have sex with him? do you still feel affection or attraction towards him?

I know it’s difficult to get rid of that psychological pain memory from the first shock, it’s ptsd, and there are likely daily reminders of the trauma; in the end, you get addicted to that self-pity and although it doesn’t make you feel good, it does activate stress hormones, it makes you alive, like all drug addictions, it’s not healthy, you need your health for your kids
I don’t know if you’re religious, I’m not super but I’m a little and I do have faith in the universe, just think this is God’s will, don’t be afraid, he walks in front of you, this is how the universe goes around or expands or whatever, marvel at the human nature and it’s misery of not being able to control basic instincts, don’t think it’s about you and what you could have done or did not do, because in the big scheme of things it doesn’t matter
I’m talking big but I’m like you, still working with myself to get over it after more than 25years … it is what it is, some people go through affairs, others get cancer, get into accidents and so on, have their kids shot at school by some maniac, all men btw, these animals, never heard of one woman

This would be my big problem. I don't think I could orgasm again with someone who cheated on me. I feel visceral disgust towards anyone who causes me any type of pain. Even if I'd try having sex with him, my mind would wonder and imagine them together. It would be too much for me. But again, my kids are older and I'm financially independent, so I'd have no reason to live with the pain and trauma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying with my DH after his affair is one of the most difficult things I have done. I took the advice of a good friend who basically told me not to make any rash decisions and give myself the gift of time to really figure out what I wanted and what I could handle. My DH did a lot of individual therapy, changed jobs, stopped traveling, and signed a post-nup with a cheating clause. He has made every effort to regain my trust.

We communicate much better now and our kids are thriving. With that being said, there is not one day that goes by that I do not think about it. It is really a terrible trauma to live through. Sometimes what is worse than the fact of the affair is going back and remembering what I was like those initial few weeks. Couldn't eat, sleep, lost 15 pounds, pulled over on the side of the road and sobbed often, sat in the doctor's office crying while I got checked for STDs. I had such a displaced sense of reality and felt like a walking zombie. I am happy that I stayed mainly but sometimes I do wonder whether healing from my trauma would have been easier if I left.

can you still have sex with him? do you still feel affection or attraction towards him?

I know it’s difficult to get rid of that psychological pain memory from the first shock, it’s ptsd, and there are likely daily reminders of the trauma; in the end, you get addicted to that self-pity and although it doesn’t make you feel good, it does activate stress hormones, it makes you alive, like all drug addictions, it’s not healthy, you need your health for your kids
I don’t know if you’re religious, I’m not super but I’m a little and I do have faith in the universe, just think this is God’s will, don’t be afraid, he walks in front of you, this is how the universe goes around or expands or whatever, marvel at the human nature and it’s misery of not being able to control basic instincts, don’t think it’s about you and what you could have done or did not do, because in the big scheme of things it doesn’t matter
I’m talking big but I’m like you, still working with myself to get over it after more than 25years … it is what it is, some people go through affairs, others get cancer, get into accidents and so on, have their kids shot at school by some maniac, all men btw, these animals, never heard of one woman

+1 I agree with all of this and at the same time I think--how can a married woman with kids to this to another woman. I get that everyone says men are less evolved (like your last statement), but in many of these instances the men are doing it with other married women that also have kids. It's an unusually brutal thing.

Thinking about his wife and two little kids is mainly what stopped me from having an affair.

What if the wife is a terrible person, terrible mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying with my DH after his affair is one of the most difficult things I have done. I took the advice of a good friend who basically told me not to make any rash decisions and give myself the gift of time to really figure out what I wanted and what I could handle. My DH did a lot of individual therapy, changed jobs, stopped traveling, and signed a post-nup with a cheating clause. He has made every effort to regain my trust.

We communicate much better now and our kids are thriving. With that being said, there is not one day that goes by that I do not think about it. It is really a terrible trauma to live through. Sometimes what is worse than the fact of the affair is going back and remembering what I was like those initial few weeks. Couldn't eat, sleep, lost 15 pounds, pulled over on the side of the road and sobbed often, sat in the doctor's office crying while I got checked for STDs. I had such a displaced sense of reality and felt like a walking zombie. I am happy that I stayed mainly but sometimes I do wonder whether healing from my trauma would have been easier if I left.

can you still have sex with him? do you still feel affection or attraction towards him?

I know it’s difficult to get rid of that psychological pain memory from the first shock, it’s ptsd, and there are likely daily reminders of the trauma; in the end, you get addicted to that self-pity and although it doesn’t make you feel good, it does activate stress hormones, it makes you alive, like all drug addictions, it’s not healthy, you need your health for your kids
I don’t know if you’re religious, I’m not super but I’m a little and I do have faith in the universe, just think this is God’s will, don’t be afraid, he walks in front of you, this is how the universe goes around or expands or whatever, marvel at the human nature and it’s misery of not being able to control basic instincts, don’t think it’s about you and what you could have done or did not do, because in the big scheme of things it doesn’t matter
I’m talking big but I’m like you, still working with myself to get over it after more than 25years … it is what it is, some people go through affairs, others get cancer, get into accidents and so on, have their kids shot at school by some maniac, all men btw, these animals, never heard of one woman

+1 I agree with all of this and at the same time I think--how can a married woman with kids to this to another woman. I get that everyone says men are less evolved (like your last statement), but in many of these instances the men are doing it with other married women that also have kids. It's an unusually brutal thing.

Thinking about his wife and two little kids is mainly what stopped me from having an affair.

What if the wife is a terrible person, terrible mother?

NP. I don’t think cheaters have a good concept of what makes somebody a terrible person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying with my DH after his affair is one of the most difficult things I have done. I took the advice of a good friend who basically told me not to make any rash decisions and give myself the gift of time to really figure out what I wanted and what I could handle. My DH did a lot of individual therapy, changed jobs, stopped traveling, and signed a post-nup with a cheating clause. He has made every effort to regain my trust.

We communicate much better now and our kids are thriving. With that being said, there is not one day that goes by that I do not think about it. It is really a terrible trauma to live through. Sometimes what is worse than the fact of the affair is going back and remembering what I was like those initial few weeks. Couldn't eat, sleep, lost 15 pounds, pulled over on the side of the road and sobbed often, sat in the doctor's office crying while I got checked for STDs. I had such a displaced sense of reality and felt like a walking zombie. I am happy that I stayed mainly but sometimes I do wonder whether healing from my trauma would have been easier if I left.

can you still have sex with him? do you still feel affection or attraction towards him?

I know it’s difficult to get rid of that psychological pain memory from the first shock, it’s ptsd, and there are likely daily reminders of the trauma; in the end, you get addicted to that self-pity and although it doesn’t make you feel good, it does activate stress hormones, it makes you alive, like all drug addictions, it’s not healthy, you need your health for your kids
I don’t know if you’re religious, I’m not super but I’m a little and I do have faith in the universe, just think this is God’s will, don’t be afraid, he walks in front of you, this is how the universe goes around or expands or whatever, marvel at the human nature and it’s misery of not being able to control basic instincts, don’t think it’s about you and what you could have done or did not do, because in the big scheme of things it doesn’t matter
I’m talking big but I’m like you, still working with myself to get over it after more than 25years … it is what it is, some people go through affairs, others get cancer, get into accidents and so on, have their kids shot at school by some maniac, all men btw, these animals, never heard of one woman

So, the fact that you were cheated on is God’s will? When your spouse was screaming around with another person God did that so you could have a trial and learn and grow?

I get the idea of turning something bad that happened as a trial that you can use to refine your understanding of life and be stronger as a person but I don’t get the idea that it’s God’s will. Even when I was very religious I just thought that God doesn’t want people to make mistakes but he lets them even if they hurt other people. And we don’t have to just let others keep hurting us.

Not saying you are wrong for staying and I’m glad you find comfort in the thought but I do wonder if this kind of attitude could be twisted by cheaters to assuage their guilt or by wayward spouses to keep themselves in abusive situations.

[Anonymous]

So I’ve never been cheated on, but my therapist suggested that I have a conversation with my husband where we talk about actions that would automatically result in divorce. (DH mentions divorce a surprising amount and it makes me feel insecure so the idea is that it’s helpful to know that he doesn’t actually mean it when he brings up divorce and hopefully he stops bringing it up at all).

He said that having an affair without remorse is a dealbreaker, and I said that would be for me too. He asked about having an affair with remorse or having a ONS. I said that from what I understand, an affair can (not automatically but can) cause a lot of trauma that requires immense emotional work to deal with. And I might not have it in me to do that work. I don’t know at this point because it hasn’t happened, so I can’t say what I would do.

Also I wouldn’t apologize for not being able to emotionally handle an affair and process the trauma and the pain so that I could stay married. We all have our limits and it’s not my fault if somebody does something that would require me to do something I’m incapable of.