If you forgave infidelity, how did you do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying with my DH after his affair is one of the most difficult things I have done. I took the advice of a good friend who basically told me not to make any rash decisions and give myself the gift of time to really figure out what I wanted and what I could handle. My DH did a lot of individual therapy, changed jobs, stopped traveling, and signed a post-nup with a cheating clause. He has made every effort to regain my trust.

We communicate much better now and our kids are thriving. With that being said, there is not one day that goes by that I do not think about it. It is really a terrible trauma to live through. Sometimes what is worse than the fact of the affair is going back and remembering what I was like those initial few weeks. Couldn't eat, sleep, lost 15 pounds, pulled over on the side of the road and sobbed often, sat in the doctor's office crying while I got checked for STDs. I had such a displaced sense of reality and felt like a walking zombie. I am happy that I stayed mainly but sometimes I do wonder whether healing from my trauma would have been easier if I left.

can you still have sex with him? do you still feel affection or attraction towards him?

I know it’s difficult to get rid of that psychological pain memory from the first shock, it’s ptsd, and there are likely daily reminders of the trauma; in the end, you get addicted to that self-pity and although it doesn’t make you feel good, it does activate stress hormones, it makes you alive, like all drug addictions, it’s not healthy, you need your health for your kids
I don’t know if you’re religious, I’m not super but I’m a little and I do have faith in the universe, just think this is God’s will, don’t be afraid, he walks in front of you, this is how the universe goes around or expands or whatever, marvel at the human nature and it’s misery of not being able to control basic instincts, don’t think it’s about you and what you could have done or did not do, because in the big scheme of things it doesn’t matter
I’m talking big but I’m like you, still working with myself to get over it after more than 25years … it is what it is, some people go through affairs, others get cancer, get into accidents and so on, have their kids shot at school by some maniac, all men btw, these animals, never heard of one woman

+1 I agree with all of this and at the same time I think--how can a married woman with kids to this to another woman. I get that everyone says men are less evolved (like your last statement), but in many of these instances the men are doing it with other married women that also have kids. It's an unusually brutal thing.

Thinking about his wife and two little kids is mainly what stopped me from having an affair.

What if the wife is a terrible person, terrible mother?

NP. I don’t think cheaters have a good concept of what makes somebody a terrible person.

I know that my AP's wife and her family hold views and commit actions that the vast majority of DCUM would find abhorrent and that put their children at risk, health-wise, intellectually, emotionally. Every time this issue is discussed here, people envision themselves as the betrayed spouse. They never picture the dregs of society. For all the talk of karma on here, who's to say a deplorable person losing their marriage isn't just karma righting wrongs? I don't believe in that stuff, but none of these issues are black and white.

Have you ever read the blog post Dooce wrote where she admitted having an affair with at least one of her friends’ husbands? She said that her friend was being abusive and apparently she thought that bit of information was necessary to make the story complete. But she just came across as an unhinged b***h. You might come across the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying with my DH after his affair is one of the most difficult things I have done. I took the advice of a good friend who basically told me not to make any rash decisions and give myself the gift of time to really figure out what I wanted and what I could handle. My DH did a lot of individual therapy, changed jobs, stopped traveling, and signed a post-nup with a cheating clause. He has made every effort to regain my trust.

We communicate much better now and our kids are thriving. With that being said, there is not one day that goes by that I do not think about it. It is really a terrible trauma to live through. Sometimes what is worse than the fact of the affair is going back and remembering what I was like those initial few weeks. Couldn't eat, sleep, lost 15 pounds, pulled over on the side of the road and sobbed often, sat in the doctor's office crying while I got checked for STDs. I had such a displaced sense of reality and felt like a walking zombie. I am happy that I stayed mainly but sometimes I do wonder whether healing from my trauma would have been easier if I left.

can you still have sex with him? do you still feel affection or attraction towards him?

I know it’s difficult to get rid of that psychological pain memory from the first shock, it’s ptsd, and there are likely daily reminders of the trauma; in the end, you get addicted to that self-pity and although it doesn’t make you feel good, it does activate stress hormones, it makes you alive, like all drug addictions, it’s not healthy, you need your health for your kids
I don’t know if you’re religious, I’m not super but I’m a little and I do have faith in the universe, just think this is God’s will, don’t be afraid, he walks in front of you, this is how the universe goes around or expands or whatever, marvel at the human nature and it’s misery of not being able to control basic instincts, don’t think it’s about you and what you could have done or did not do, because in the big scheme of things it doesn’t matter
I’m talking big but I’m like you, still working with myself to get over it after more than 25years … it is what it is, some people go through affairs, others get cancer, get into accidents and so on, have their kids shot at school by some maniac, all men btw, these animals, never heard of one woman

+1 I agree with all of this and at the same time I think--how can a married woman with kids to this to another woman. I get that everyone says men are less evolved (like your last statement), but in many of these instances the men are doing it with other married women that also have kids. It's an unusually brutal thing.

Thinking about his wife and two little kids is mainly what stopped me from having an affair.

What if the wife is a terrible person, terrible mother?

NP. I don’t think cheaters have a good concept of what makes somebody a terrible person.

I know that my AP's wife and her family hold views and commit actions that the vast majority of DCUM would find abhorrent and that put their children at risk, health-wise, intellectually, emotionally. Every time this issue is discussed here, people envision themselves as the betrayed spouse. They never picture the dregs of society. For all the talk of karma on here, who's to say a deplorable person losing their marriage isn't just karma righting wrongs? I don't believe in that stuff, but none of these issues are black and white.

Views like adultery is bad? Lying and cheating is dishonorable? Talking ill of people you only hear about from the mouth of a known, dishonest cheat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying with my DH after his affair is one of the most difficult things I have done. I took the advice of a good friend who basically told me not to make any rash decisions and give myself the gift of time to really figure out what I wanted and what I could handle. My DH did a lot of individual therapy, changed jobs, stopped traveling, and signed a post-nup with a cheating clause. He has made every effort to regain my trust.

We communicate much better now and our kids are thriving. With that being said, there is not one day that goes by that I do not think about it. It is really a terrible trauma to live through. Sometimes what is worse than the fact of the affair is going back and remembering what I was like those initial few weeks. Couldn't eat, sleep, lost 15 pounds, pulled over on the side of the road and sobbed often, sat in the doctor's office crying while I got checked for STDs. I had such a displaced sense of reality and felt like a walking zombie. I am happy that I stayed mainly but sometimes I do wonder whether healing from my trauma would have been easier if I left.

can you still have sex with him? do you still feel affection or attraction towards him?

I know it’s difficult to get rid of that psychological pain memory from the first shock, it’s ptsd, and there are likely daily reminders of the trauma; in the end, you get addicted to that self-pity and although it doesn’t make you feel good, it does activate stress hormones, it makes you alive, like all drug addictions, it’s not healthy, you need your health for your kids
I don’t know if you’re religious, I’m not super but I’m a little and I do have faith in the universe, just think this is God’s will, don’t be afraid, he walks in front of you, this is how the universe goes around or expands or whatever, marvel at the human nature and it’s misery of not being able to control basic instincts, don’t think it’s about you and what you could have done or did not do, because in the big scheme of things it doesn’t matter
I’m talking big but I’m like you, still working with myself to get over it after more than 25years … it is what it is, some people go through affairs, others get cancer, get into accidents and so on, have their kids shot at school by some maniac, all men btw, these animals, never heard of one woman

+1 I agree with all of this and at the same time I think--how can a married woman with kids to this to another woman. I get that everyone says men are less evolved (like your last statement), but in many of these instances the men are doing it with other married women that also have kids. It's an unusually brutal thing.

Thinking about his wife and two little kids is mainly what stopped me from having an affair.

What if the wife is a terrible person, terrible mother?

NP. I don’t think cheaters have a good concept of what makes somebody a terrible person.

I know that my AP's wife and her family hold views and commit actions that the vast majority of DCUM would find abhorrent and that put their children at risk, health-wise, intellectually, emotionally. Every time this issue is discussed here, people envision themselves as the betrayed spouse. They never picture the dregs of society. For all the talk of karma on here, who's to say a deplorable person losing their marriage isn't just karma righting wrongs? I don't believe in that stuff, but none of these issues are black and white.

The hubris is incredible. I hope you don’t think you’re an instrument of karma. You sound like you’re trying to be some kind of self-appointed vigilante dispensing cosmic justice but really, you’re just a cheater.

She seems to take some strange pride in being someone’s side piece cum cloth.

[Anonymous]

I'm wondering if the PP gives herself permission to victimize people in other ways (stealing, bullying, etc.) if they don't meet her standards? If we make our own morality conditional on the morality of others, are we really any better than they are?

I've lurked on OW forums and there is often an obsession with the BW and her supposed sins and vices. Clearly the rationale is "she deserves this because she wasn't a good wife/human." I'm sure it's just a coincidence that the OW who has appointed herself judge and jury is enjoying the fruits of the BW's "karma," right?

Don't twist yourself into a pretzel to justify doing something harmful. If you have the hots for some married guy, tell him to divorce or open up his marriage. Likewise, if you're a cheater, you don't get to sentence your spouse to non-consensual non-monogamy just because you don't have a 100% perfect marriage. Someone else's faults or sins do not justify your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering if the PP gives herself permission to victimize people in other ways (stealing, bullying, etc.) if they don't meet her standards? If we make our own morality conditional on the morality of others, are we really any better than they are?

I've lurked on OW forums and there is often an obsession with the BW and her supposed sins and vices. Clearly the rationale is "she deserves this because she wasn't a good wife/human." I'm sure it's just a coincidence that the OW who has appointed herself judge and jury is enjoying the fruits of the BW's "karma," right?

Don't twist yourself into a pretzel to justify doing something harmful. If you have the hots for some married guy, tell him to divorce or open up his marriage. Likewise, if you're a cheater, you don't get to sentence your spouse to non-consensual non-monogamy just because you don't have a 100% perfect marriage. Someone else's faults or sins do not justify your own.

But this is what they do which is why it's not healthy often to stay with a cheating spouse. And then you get labeled a codependent with self love deficit as if you somehow couldn't stand up for yourself or acknowledge that you have assets in addition to the shortcomings your cheating spouse loves to slam you on when in reality you are just trying to have as healthy a life and the least amount of stress for yourself and your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering if the PP gives herself permission to victimize people in other ways (stealing, bullying, etc.) if they don't meet her standards? If we make our own morality conditional on the morality of others, are we really any better than they are?

I've lurked on OW forums and there is often an obsession with the BW and her supposed sins and vices. Clearly the rationale is "she deserves this because she wasn't a good wife/human." I'm sure it's just a coincidence that the OW who has appointed herself judge and jury is enjoying the fruits of the BW's "karma," right?

Don't twist yourself into a pretzel to justify doing something harmful. If you have the hots for some married guy, tell him to divorce or open up his marriage. Likewise, if you're a cheater, you don't get to sentence your spouse to non-consensual non-monogamy just because you don't have a 100% perfect marriage. Someone else's faults or sins do not justify your own.

But this is what they do which is why it's not healthy often to stay with a cheating spouse. And then you get labeled a codependent with self love deficit as if you somehow couldn't stand up for yourself or acknowledge that you have assets in addition to the shortcomings your cheating spouse loves to slam you on when in reality you are just trying to have as healthy a life and the least amount of stress for yourself and your kids.

Yes, agree. If the cheating was a one time rodeo where the spouse went down the path of "ooooh, want to have sex with new person, just need to rewrite marital history to justify this" and they quickly return to earth upon discovery and stop trying to vilify you in order to assuage their guilt, then you have a chance of reconciliation. But if they generally treat you like dirt, then no, it's not going to work.

My husband did try to vilify me during his affair, and it was so weird and confusing. I didn't know what was going on but I did see the weird traps he was laying for me, which I easily sidestepped just by remaining calm and considerate. Thankfully it was not the norm in our relationship and it stopped once I learned of the affair. (Incidentally, those bizarre changes in behavior also gave me some confidence in attempting reconciliation . . . if he were a smooth operator I'd be more wary.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying with my DH after his affair is one of the most difficult things I have done. I took the advice of a good friend who basically told me not to make any rash decisions and give myself the gift of time to really figure out what I wanted and what I could handle. My DH did a lot of individual therapy, changed jobs, stopped traveling, and signed a post-nup with a cheating clause. He has made every effort to regain my trust.

We communicate much better now and our kids are thriving. With that being said, there is not one day that goes by that I do not think about it. It is really a terrible trauma to live through. Sometimes what is worse than the fact of the affair is going back and remembering what I was like those initial few weeks. Couldn't eat, sleep, lost 15 pounds, pulled over on the side of the road and sobbed often, sat in the doctor's office crying while I got checked for STDs. I had such a displaced sense of reality and felt like a walking zombie. I am happy that I stayed mainly but sometimes I do wonder whether healing from my trauma would have been easier if I left.

can you still have sex with him? do you still feel affection or attraction towards him?

I know it’s difficult to get rid of that psychological pain memory from the first shock, it’s ptsd, and there are likely daily reminders of the trauma; in the end, you get addicted to that self-pity and although it doesn’t make you feel good, it does activate stress hormones, it makes you alive, like all drug addictions, it’s not healthy, you need your health for your kids
I don’t know if you’re religious, I’m not super but I’m a little and I do have faith in the universe, just think this is God’s will, don’t be afraid, he walks in front of you, this is how the universe goes around or expands or whatever, marvel at the human nature and it’s misery of not being able to control basic instincts, don’t think it’s about you and what you could have done or did not do, because in the big scheme of things it doesn’t matter
I’m talking big but I’m like you, still working with myself to get over it after more than 25years … it is what it is, some people go through affairs, others get cancer, get into accidents and so on, have their kids shot at school by some maniac, all men btw, these animals, never heard of one woman

+1 I agree with all of this and at the same time I think--how can a married woman with kids to this to another woman. I get that everyone says men are less evolved (like your last statement), but in many of these instances the men are doing it with other married women that also have kids. It's an unusually brutal thing.

Thinking about his wife and two little kids is mainly what stopped me from having an affair.

What if the wife is a terrible person, terrible mother?

NP. I don’t think cheaters have a good concept of what makes somebody a terrible person.

I know that my AP's wife and her family hold views and commit actions that the vast majority of DCUM would find abhorrent and that put their children at risk, health-wise, intellectually, emotionally. Every time this issue is discussed here, people envision themselves as the betrayed spouse. They never picture the dregs of society. For all the talk of karma on here, who's to say a deplorable person losing their marriage isn't just karma righting wrongs? I don't believe in that stuff, but none of these issues are black and white.

The hubris is incredible. I hope you don’t think you’re an instrument of karma. You sound like you’re trying to be some kind of self-appointed vigilante dispensing cosmic justice but really, you’re just a cheater.

No, you're making stuff up. I was simply replying to the person who said thinking about the poor, sweet, innocent wife made her resist having an affair. If the wife is over here encouraging her kids to use the N word for instance, I'm not going to prioritize her happiness over my own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying with my DH after his affair is one of the most difficult things I have done. I took the advice of a good friend who basically told me not to make any rash decisions and give myself the gift of time to really figure out what I wanted and what I could handle. My DH did a lot of individual therapy, changed jobs, stopped traveling, and signed a post-nup with a cheating clause. He has made every effort to regain my trust.

We communicate much better now and our kids are thriving. With that being said, there is not one day that goes by that I do not think about it. It is really a terrible trauma to live through. Sometimes what is worse than the fact of the affair is going back and remembering what I was like those initial few weeks. Couldn't eat, sleep, lost 15 pounds, pulled over on the side of the road and sobbed often, sat in the doctor's office crying while I got checked for STDs. I had such a displaced sense of reality and felt like a walking zombie. I am happy that I stayed mainly but sometimes I do wonder whether healing from my trauma would have been easier if I left.

can you still have sex with him? do you still feel affection or attraction towards him?

I know it’s difficult to get rid of that psychological pain memory from the first shock, it’s ptsd, and there are likely daily reminders of the trauma; in the end, you get addicted to that self-pity and although it doesn’t make you feel good, it does activate stress hormones, it makes you alive, like all drug addictions, it’s not healthy, you need your health for your kids
I don’t know if you’re religious, I’m not super but I’m a little and I do have faith in the universe, just think this is God’s will, don’t be afraid, he walks in front of you, this is how the universe goes around or expands or whatever, marvel at the human nature and it’s misery of not being able to control basic instincts, don’t think it’s about you and what you could have done or did not do, because in the big scheme of things it doesn’t matter
I’m talking big but I’m like you, still working with myself to get over it after more than 25years … it is what it is, some people go through affairs, others get cancer, get into accidents and so on, have their kids shot at school by some maniac, all men btw, these animals, never heard of one woman

+1 I agree with all of this and at the same time I think--how can a married woman with kids to this to another woman. I get that everyone says men are less evolved (like your last statement), but in many of these instances the men are doing it with other married women that also have kids. It's an unusually brutal thing.

Thinking about his wife and two little kids is mainly what stopped me from having an affair.

What if the wife is a terrible person, terrible mother?

NP. I don’t think cheaters have a good concept of what makes somebody a terrible person.

I know that my AP's wife and her family hold views and commit actions that the vast majority of DCUM would find abhorrent and that put their children at risk, health-wise, intellectually, emotionally. Every time this issue is discussed here, people envision themselves as the betrayed spouse. They never picture the dregs of society. For all the talk of karma on here, who's to say a deplorable person losing their marriage isn't just karma righting wrongs? I don't believe in that stuff, but none of these issues are black and white.

The hubris is incredible. I hope you don’t think you’re an instrument of karma. You sound like you’re trying to be some kind of self-appointed vigilante dispensing cosmic justice but really, you’re just a cheater.

No, you're making stuff up. I was simply replying to the person who said thinking about the poor, sweet, innocent wife made her resist having an affair. If the wife is over here encouraging her kids to use the N word for instance, I'm not going to prioritize her happiness over my own.

I’m the PP who chose NOT to have the affair. My friend’s/crush’s wife is a nice person and I have to agree with the “hubris” PP that your line of thinking is at the very least rather strange. I’d guess you’re in justification mode but I don’t know you so will refrain from commenting further.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying with my DH after his affair is one of the most difficult things I have done. I took the advice of a good friend who basically told me not to make any rash decisions and give myself the gift of time to really figure out what I wanted and what I could handle. My DH did a lot of individual therapy, changed jobs, stopped traveling, and signed a post-nup with a cheating clause. He has made every effort to regain my trust.

We communicate much better now and our kids are thriving. With that being said, there is not one day that goes by that I do not think about it. It is really a terrible trauma to live through. Sometimes what is worse than the fact of the affair is going back and remembering what I was like those initial few weeks. Couldn't eat, sleep, lost 15 pounds, pulled over on the side of the road and sobbed often, sat in the doctor's office crying while I got checked for STDs. I had such a displaced sense of reality and felt like a walking zombie. I am happy that I stayed mainly but sometimes I do wonder whether healing from my trauma would have been easier if I left.

can you still have sex with him? do you still feel affection or attraction towards him?

I know it’s difficult to get rid of that psychological pain memory from the first shock, it’s ptsd, and there are likely daily reminders of the trauma; in the end, you get addicted to that self-pity and although it doesn’t make you feel good, it does activate stress hormones, it makes you alive, like all drug addictions, it’s not healthy, you need your health for your kids
I don’t know if you’re religious, I’m not super but I’m a little and I do have faith in the universe, just think this is God’s will, don’t be afraid, he walks in front of you, this is how the universe goes around or expands or whatever, marvel at the human nature and it’s misery of not being able to control basic instincts, don’t think it’s about you and what you could have done or did not do, because in the big scheme of things it doesn’t matter
I’m talking big but I’m like you, still working with myself to get over it after more than 25years … it is what it is, some people go through affairs, others get cancer, get into accidents and so on, have their kids shot at school by some maniac, all men btw, these animals, never heard of one woman

+1 I agree with all of this and at the same time I think--how can a married woman with kids to this to another woman. I get that everyone says men are less evolved (like your last statement), but in many of these instances the men are doing it with other married women that also have kids. It's an unusually brutal thing.

Thinking about his wife and two little kids is mainly what stopped me from having an affair.

What if the wife is a terrible person, terrible mother?

NP. I don’t think cheaters have a good concept of what makes somebody a terrible person.

I know that my AP's wife and her family hold views and commit actions that the vast majority of DCUM would find abhorrent and that put their children at risk, health-wise, intellectually, emotionally. Every time this issue is discussed here, people envision themselves as the betrayed spouse. They never picture the dregs of society. For all the talk of karma on here, who's to say a deplorable person losing their marriage isn't just karma righting wrongs? I don't believe in that stuff, but none of these issues are black and white.

The hubris is incredible. I hope you don’t think you’re an instrument of karma. You sound like you’re trying to be some kind of self-appointed vigilante dispensing cosmic justice but really, you’re just a cheater.

No, you're making stuff up. I was simply replying to the person who said thinking about the poor, sweet, innocent wife made her resist having an affair. If the wife is over here encouraging her kids to use the N word for instance, I'm not going to prioritize her happiness over my own.

I’m the PP who chose NOT to have the affair. My friend’s/crush’s wife is a nice person and I have to agree with the “hubris” PP that your line of thinking is at the very least rather strange. I’d guess you’re in justification mode but I don’t know you so will refrain from commenting further.

Not to mention most of the sh@t the married guy is telling them is completely made up…and, of course, he is a saint in all of this. If any of it were remotely true, he already would have divorced. I’m sure he keeps kicking that can down the road anytime pp brings up a future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering if the PP gives herself permission to victimize people in other ways (stealing, bullying, etc.) if they don't meet her standards? If we make our own morality conditional on the morality of others, are we really any better than they are?

I've lurked on OW forums and there is often an obsession with the BW and her supposed sins and vices. Clearly the rationale is "she deserves this because she wasn't a good wife/human." I'm sure it's just a coincidence that the OW who has appointed herself judge and jury is enjoying the fruits of the BW's "karma," right?

Don't twist yourself into a pretzel to justify doing something harmful. If you have the hots for some married guy, tell him to divorce or open up his marriage. Likewise, if you're a cheater, you don't get to sentence your spouse to non-consensual non-monogamy just because you don't have a 100% perfect marriage. Someone else's faults or sins do not justify your own.

The very scary part is the wife knows none of this. These crazy @ss OW are staking them, trying to glean any bit of info they can about them, wishing them ill will, etc., and they have zero idea this target is on their back. It’s freaky and incredibly victimizing to find out. Some psych has been stalking you and your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying with my DH after his affair is one of the most difficult things I have done. I took the advice of a good friend who basically told me not to make any rash decisions and give myself the gift of time to really figure out what I wanted and what I could handle. My DH did a lot of individual therapy, changed jobs, stopped traveling, and signed a post-nup with a cheating clause. He has made every effort to regain my trust.

We communicate much better now and our kids are thriving. With that being said, there is not one day that goes by that I do not think about it. It is really a terrible trauma to live through. Sometimes what is worse than the fact of the affair is going back and remembering what I was like those initial few weeks. Couldn't eat, sleep, lost 15 pounds, pulled over on the side of the road and sobbed often, sat in the doctor's office crying while I got checked for STDs. I had such a displaced sense of reality and felt like a walking zombie. I am happy that I stayed mainly but sometimes I do wonder whether healing from my trauma would have been easier if I left.

can you still have sex with him? do you still feel affection or attraction towards him?

I know it’s difficult to get rid of that psychological pain memory from the first shock, it’s ptsd, and there are likely daily reminders of the trauma; in the end, you get addicted to that self-pity and although it doesn’t make you feel good, it does activate stress hormones, it makes you alive, like all drug addictions, it’s not healthy, you need your health for your kids
I don’t know if you’re religious, I’m not super but I’m a little and I do have faith in the universe, just think this is God’s will, don’t be afraid, he walks in front of you, this is how the universe goes around or expands or whatever, marvel at the human nature and it’s misery of not being able to control basic instincts, don’t think it’s about you and what you could have done or did not do, because in the big scheme of things it doesn’t matter
I’m talking big but I’m like you, still working with myself to get over it after more than 25years … it is what it is, some people go through affairs, others get cancer, get into accidents and so on, have their kids shot at school by some maniac, all men btw, these animals, never heard of one woman

+1 I agree with all of this and at the same time I think--how can a married woman with kids to this to another woman. I get that everyone says men are less evolved (like your last statement), but in many of these instances the men are doing it with other married women that also have kids. It's an unusually brutal thing.

Thinking about his wife and two little kids is mainly what stopped me from having an affair.

What if the wife is a terrible person, terrible mother?

NP. I don’t think cheaters have a good concept of what makes somebody a terrible person.

I know that my AP's wife and her family hold views and commit actions that the vast majority of DCUM would find abhorrent and that put their children at risk, health-wise, intellectually, emotionally. Every time this issue is discussed here, people envision themselves as the betrayed spouse. They never picture the dregs of society. For all the talk of karma on here, who's to say a deplorable person losing their marriage isn't just karma righting wrongs? I don't believe in that stuff, but none of these issues are black and white.

The hubris is incredible. I hope you don’t think you’re an instrument of karma. You sound like you’re trying to be some kind of self-appointed vigilante dispensing cosmic justice but really, you’re just a cheater.

No, you're making stuff up. I was simply replying to the person who said thinking about the poor, sweet, innocent wife made her resist having an affair. If the wife is over here encouraging her kids to use the N word for instance, I'm not going to prioritize her happiness over my own.

I’m the PP who chose NOT to have the affair. My friend’s/crush’s wife is a nice person and I have to agree with the “hubris” PP that your line of thinking is at the very least rather strange. I’d guess you’re in justification mode but I don’t know you so will refrain from commenting further.

Not to mention most of the sh@t the married guy is telling them is completely made up…and, of course, he is a saint in all of this. If any of it were remotely true, he already would have divorced. I’m sure he keeps kicking that can down the road anytime pp brings up a future.

Yeah it's this unfortunate cat-fight stuff that women get into. Let's go beyond this internalized misogyny ladies!

You don't steal from bad people. You don't bully bad people. You don't murder bad people. You don't abuse bad people. Wrong is wrong. Believing that poor MM is just a victim of the Big Bad Wife is a really silly attempt to make a bad thing OK. Not only does a person anxious to get into your pants have a reason to lie to you about the state of his marriage, but he has a reason to lie to HIMSELF to assuage his own guilt.

If you don't care about other people just because they're humans, fine, don't. Just be honest about it. Don't blame the victim just to make your disgusting acts more palatable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering if the PP gives herself permission to victimize people in other ways (stealing, bullying, etc.) if they don't meet her standards? If we make our own morality conditional on the morality of others, are we really any better than they are?

I've lurked on OW forums and there is often an obsession with the BW and her supposed sins and vices. Clearly the rationale is "she deserves this because she wasn't a good wife/human." I'm sure it's just a coincidence that the OW who has appointed herself judge and jury is enjoying the fruits of the BW's "karma," right?

Don't twist yourself into a pretzel to justify doing something harmful. If you have the hots for some married guy, tell him to divorce or open up his marriage. Likewise, if you're a cheater, you don't get to sentence your spouse to non-consensual non-monogamy just because you don't have a 100% perfect marriage. Someone else's faults or sins do not justify your own.

The very scary part is the wife knows none of this. These crazy @ss OW are staking them, trying to glean any bit of info they can about them, wishing them ill will, etc., and they have zero idea this target is on their back. It’s freaky and incredibly victimizing to find out. Some psych has been stalking you and your kids.

Yes, it's a total mind f*ck to realize that some third party has been super invested in your marriage. To be clear, that is 100% the fault of your spouse . . . they're the ones who turned your marriage into a love triangle. But it's natural to wonder about the mental state of someone who would go all Hand That Rocks the Cradle.

I was just reading in the Other Woman subreddit and a bunch of OW were going on and on about how after DDay when the MM has gone NC, why don't the wives feel like second place and end the marriage? Again, this ridiculous internalized misogyny. Oh, this autonomous person who went so far as to have sex with me and who could have left his marriage for me at any time is just a poor prisoner to the all-powerful wife! Sure, she isn't so all-powerful that she was able to stop an affair from happening, but she's definitely forcing her husband to stay.

It's like, girl, keep your eyes on your own paper. You don't get to insert yourself into someone else's marriage without her knowledge and then have all sorts of opinions on how she reacts to that. You know what sucks? Having someone who's not you or your "boyfriend" calling the shots in your relationship. You know how to avoid that? Don't be a side-piece.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying with my DH after his affair is one of the most difficult things I have done. I took the advice of a good friend who basically told me not to make any rash decisions and give myself the gift of time to really figure out what I wanted and what I could handle. My DH did a lot of individual therapy, changed jobs, stopped traveling, and signed a post-nup with a cheating clause. He has made every effort to regain my trust.

We communicate much better now and our kids are thriving. With that being said, there is not one day that goes by that I do not think about it. It is really a terrible trauma to live through. Sometimes what is worse than the fact of the affair is going back and remembering what I was like those initial few weeks. Couldn't eat, sleep, lost 15 pounds, pulled over on the side of the road and sobbed often, sat in the doctor's office crying while I got checked for STDs. I had such a displaced sense of reality and felt like a walking zombie. I am happy that I stayed mainly but sometimes I do wonder whether healing from my trauma would have been easier if I left.

can you still have sex with him? do you still feel affection or attraction towards him?

I know it’s difficult to get rid of that psychological pain memory from the first shock, it’s ptsd, and there are likely daily reminders of the trauma; in the end, you get addicted to that self-pity and although it doesn’t make you feel good, it does activate stress hormones, it makes you alive, like all drug addictions, it’s not healthy, you need your health for your kids
I don’t know if you’re religious, I’m not super but I’m a little and I do have faith in the universe, just think this is God’s will, don’t be afraid, he walks in front of you, this is how the universe goes around or expands or whatever, marvel at the human nature and it’s misery of not being able to control basic instincts, don’t think it’s about you and what you could have done or did not do, because in the big scheme of things it doesn’t matter
I’m talking big but I’m like you, still working with myself to get over it after more than 25years … it is what it is, some people go through affairs, others get cancer, get into accidents and so on, have their kids shot at school by some maniac, all men btw, these animals, never heard of one woman

+1 I agree with all of this and at the same time I think--how can a married woman with kids to this to another woman. I get that everyone says men are less evolved (like your last statement), but in many of these instances the men are doing it with other married women that also have kids. It's an unusually brutal thing.

Thinking about his wife and two little kids is mainly what stopped me from having an affair.

What if the wife is a terrible person, terrible mother?

NP. I don’t think cheaters have a good concept of what makes somebody a terrible person.

I know that my AP's wife and her family hold views and commit actions that the vast majority of DCUM would find abhorrent and that put their children at risk, health-wise, intellectually, emotionally. Every time this issue is discussed here, people envision themselves as the betrayed spouse. They never picture the dregs of society. For all the talk of karma on here, who's to say a deplorable person losing their marriage isn't just karma righting wrongs? I don't believe in that stuff, but none of these issues are black and white.

The hubris is incredible. I hope you don’t think you’re an instrument of karma. You sound like you’re trying to be some kind of self-appointed vigilante dispensing cosmic justice but really, you’re just a cheater.

No, you're making stuff up. I was simply replying to the person who said thinking about the poor, sweet, innocent wife made her resist having an affair. If the wife is over here encouraging her kids to use the N word for instance, I'm not going to prioritize her happiness over my own.

This is exactly what these sick people do. Find something they don’t like about the other person to justify their bad behavior. Sorry. You are still a tramp and are being used. I wouldn’t mind the cheater and a person like this getting together. It’s the fact that they are spreading disease to the monogamous partner and the emotional abuse on top that is the worst of it and so unfair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering if the PP gives herself permission to victimize people in other ways (stealing, bullying, etc.) if they don't meet her standards? If we make our own morality conditional on the morality of others, are we really any better than they are?

I've lurked on OW forums and there is often an obsession with the BW and her supposed sins and vices. Clearly the rationale is "she deserves this because she wasn't a good wife/human." I'm sure it's just a coincidence that the OW who has appointed herself judge and jury is enjoying the fruits of the BW's "karma," right?

Don't twist yourself into a pretzel to justify doing something harmful. If you have the hots for some married guy, tell him to divorce or open up his marriage. Likewise, if you're a cheater, you don't get to sentence your spouse to non-consensual non-monogamy just because you don't have a 100% perfect marriage. Someone else's faults or sins do not justify your own.

The very scary part is the wife knows none of this. These crazy @ss OW are staking them, trying to glean any bit of info they can about them, wishing them ill will, etc., and they have zero idea this target is on their back. It’s freaky and incredibly victimizing to find out. Some psych has been stalking you and your kids.

Yes, it's a total mind f*ck to realize that some third party has been super invested in your marriage. To be clear, that is 100% the fault of your spouse . . . they're the ones who turned your marriage into a love triangle. But it's natural to wonder about the mental state of someone who would go all Hand That Rocks the Cradle.

I was just reading in the Other Woman subreddit and a bunch of OW were going on and on about how after DDay when the MM has gone NC, why don't the wives feel like second place and end the marriage? Again, this ridiculous internalized misogyny. Oh, this autonomous person who went so far as to have sex with me and who could have left his marriage for me at any time is just a poor prisoner to the all-powerful wife! Sure, she isn't so all-powerful that she was able to stop an affair from happening, but she's definitely forcing her husband to stay.

It's like, girl, keep your eyes on your own paper. You don't get to insert yourself into someone else's marriage without her knowledge and then have all sorts of opinions on how she reacts to that. You know what sucks? Having someone who's not you or your "boyfriend" calling the shots in your relationship. You know how to avoid that? Don't be a side-piece.

Ummm. If he never leaves the marriage or has any intention to, I don’t think the side piece is in first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying with my DH after his affair is one of the most difficult things I have done. I took the advice of a good friend who basically told me not to make any rash decisions and give myself the gift of time to really figure out what I wanted and what I could handle. My DH did a lot of individual therapy, changed jobs, stopped traveling, and signed a post-nup with a cheating clause. He has made every effort to regain my trust.

We communicate much better now and our kids are thriving. With that being said, there is not one day that goes by that I do not think about it. It is really a terrible trauma to live through. Sometimes what is worse than the fact of the affair is going back and remembering what I was like those initial few weeks. Couldn't eat, sleep, lost 15 pounds, pulled over on the side of the road and sobbed often, sat in the doctor's office crying while I got checked for STDs. I had such a displaced sense of reality and felt like a walking zombie. I am happy that I stayed mainly but sometimes I do wonder whether healing from my trauma would have been easier if I left.

can you still have sex with him? do you still feel affection or attraction towards him?

I know it’s difficult to get rid of that psychological pain memory from the first shock, it’s ptsd, and there are likely daily reminders of the trauma; in the end, you get addicted to that self-pity and although it doesn’t make you feel good, it does activate stress hormones, it makes you alive, like all drug addictions, it’s not healthy, you need your health for your kids
I don’t know if you’re religious, I’m not super but I’m a little and I do have faith in the universe, just think this is God’s will, don’t be afraid, he walks in front of you, this is how the universe goes around or expands or whatever, marvel at the human nature and it’s misery of not being able to control basic instincts, don’t think it’s about you and what you could have done or did not do, because in the big scheme of things it doesn’t matter
I’m talking big but I’m like you, still working with myself to get over it after more than 25years … it is what it is, some people go through affairs, others get cancer, get into accidents and so on, have their kids shot at school by some maniac, all men btw, these animals, never heard of one woman

This would be my big problem. I don't think I could orgasm again with someone who cheated on me. I feel visceral disgust towards anyone who causes me any type of pain. Even if I'd try having sex with him, my mind would wonder and imagine them together. It would be too much for me. But again, my kids are older and I'm financially independent, so I'd have no reason to live with the pain and trauma.

Sex with my DH after I found out about the infidelity was worse than not being able to orgasm. Frankly, it felt like rape. I had made clear that monogamy was an essential part of my consent to sex with him and he broke his agreement, lied to me, manipulated me and gaslit me, all while continuing to cheat on me after promising to stop. I didn’t feel like not having sex with him was a choice in my position. I found out that the infidelity had not stopped in my sixth month of pregnancy. I had another preschool child. I had one more year of grad school. I was unemployed, and not confident I could find a job while 6 months pregnant and even less confident that I could find a job, work, finish school, give birth and go back to work immediately all while still finishing grad school. I felt economically coerced to continue having sex with him until I could support myself and the kids. The pregnancy and the birth bought me some time avoiding sex, but it took me a year and a half to pull myself and my kids out of that mess. Every time I had sex during that period felt like a violation.