Reply to If you forgave infidelity, how did you do it?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Staying with my DH after his affair is one of the most difficult things I have done.  I took the advice of a good friend who basically told me not to make any rash decisions and give myself the gift of time to really figure out what I wanted and what I could handle.  My DH did a lot of individual therapy, changed jobs, stopped traveling, and signed a post-nup with a cheating clause. He has made every effort to regain my trust.

We communicate much better now and our kids are thriving.  With that being said, there is not one day that goes by that I do not think about it.  It is really a terrible trauma to live through.  Sometimes what is worse than the fact of the affair is going back and remembering what I was like those initial few weeks.  Couldn't eat, sleep, lost 15 pounds, pulled over on the side of the road and sobbed often, sat in the doctor's office crying while I got checked for STDs.  I had such a displaced sense of reality and felt like a walking zombie.  I am happy that I stayed mainly but sometimes I do wonder whether healing from my trauma would have been easier if I left.[/quote]

can you still have sex with him? do you still feel affection or attraction towards him?

I know it’s difficult to get rid of that psychological pain memory from the first shock, it’s ptsd, and there are likely daily reminders of the trauma; in the end, you get addicted to that self-pity and although it doesn’t make you feel good, it does activate stress hormones, it makes you alive, like all drug addictions, it’s not healthy, you need your health for your kids 
I don’t know if you’re religious, I’m not super but I’m a little and I do have faith in the universe, just think this is God’s will, don’t be afraid, he walks in front of you, this is how the universe goes around or expands or whatever, marvel at the human nature and it’s misery of not being able to control basic instincts, don’t think it’s about you and what you could have done or did not do, because in the big scheme of things it doesn’t matter 
I’m talking big but I’m like you, still working with myself to get over it after more than 25years … it is what it is, some people go through affairs, others get cancer, get into accidents and so on, have their kids shot at school by some maniac, all men btw, these animals, never heard of one woman [/quote]

So, the fact that you were cheated on is God’s will? When your spouse was screaming around with another person God did that so you could have a trial and learn and grow?

I get the idea of turning something bad that happened as a trial that you can use to refine your understanding of life and be stronger as a person but I don’t get the idea that it’s God’s will. Even when I was very religious I just thought that God doesn’t want people to make mistakes but he lets them even if they hurt other people. And we don’t have to just let others keep hurting us.

Not saying you are wrong for staying and I’m glad you find comfort in the thought but I do wonder if this kind of attitude could be twisted by cheaters to assuage their guilt or by wayward spouses to keep themselves in abusive situations. [/quote]

This is a huge disagreement n churches about predestination free will and soteriology. Many people think predestination views are from gnostic traditions and not Christianity, but that's a discussion for the religious forum. And it absolutely is twisted by cheaters and other people doing bad things. It was god's will that I did this thing I felt compelled to do that I knew was wrong and he will determine if something good or bad comes of it. I have to have faith and trust in him and he will reform me if it's his will. He has a plan for me. Literally happening every day all over the planet with many different religions. Abdication of free will. Abdication of sin and repentance.
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