If you forgave infidelity, how did you do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay with a spouse who cheats just "for the kids." That's a terrible burden to put on them.

How is that a burden on them? So I shouldn't have married either because I married for the kids. Yes, he is wonderful man, but we would have remained boyfriend/ girlfriend if I did not want kids

I guess it's different for those who marry primarily for romantic love. I love my DH very much. But I did not marry him because of that. I married him because I thought marriage was the best institution under which we could raise children. So staying for those children can still make sense if he cheats.

I grew up in a family where my Dad cheated on my Mom continuously. Watching her stay for us, knowing there was no love, no respect, no truth between my parents was very difficult. I often wondered why my mother didn't respect herself more. She wasn't doing herself, OR HER KIDS, any favors by staying.

Do you think there's some internalized misogyny here? At least in this statement, you're directly all of your anger towards the person who ill used, rather than the person who was using her ill. She probably thought she was making the best choice out of only bad choices.

Ack, that didn't come out right:

Do you think there's some internalized misogyny at play here? At least in this statement, you're directing all of your anger towards the person who was ill used, rather than the person who was using her ill. She probably thought she was making the best choice out of only bad choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay with a spouse who cheats just "for the kids." That's a terrible burden to put on them.

How is that a burden on them? So I shouldn't have married either because I married for the kids. Yes, he is wonderful man, but we would have remained boyfriend/ girlfriend if I did not want kids

I guess it's different for those who marry primarily for romantic love. I love my DH very much. But I did not marry him because of that. I married him because I thought marriage was the best institution under which we could raise children. So staying for those children can still make sense if he cheats.

I grew up in a family where my Dad cheated on my Mom continuously. Watching her stay for us, knowing there was no love, no respect, no truth between my parents was very difficult. I often wondered why my mother didn't respect herself more. She wasn't doing herself, OR HER KIDS, any favors by staying.

I hope you have gotten therapy. You still sound very troubled.

Obnoxious thing to say. You sound very troubled.

]

DP. ? Your outbursts only prove the point. Anytime a child is railing against the past and still angry and judgmental, there is unprocessed trauma that is going to affect their relationships and their adult life. The problem will become generational when the work to heal is not done. Read "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents". I am sure you will see a lot of your parents in there and see how it is still affecting your life and your choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay with a spouse who cheats just "for the kids." That's a terrible burden to put on them.

How is that a burden on them? So I shouldn't have married either because I married for the kids. Yes, he is wonderful man, but we would have remained boyfriend/ girlfriend if I did not want kids

I guess it's different for those who marry primarily for romantic love. I love my DH very much. But I did not marry him because of that. I married him because I thought marriage was the best institution under which we could raise children. So staying for those children can still make sense if he cheats.

I grew up in a family where my Dad cheated on my Mom continuously. Watching her stay for us, knowing there was no love, no respect, no truth between my parents was very difficult. I often wondered why my mother didn't respect herself more. She wasn't doing herself, OR HER KIDS, any favors by staying.

Do you think there's some internalized misogyny here? At least in this statement, you're directly all of your anger towards the person who ill used, rather than the person who was using her ill. She probably thought she was making the best choice out of only bad choices.

THIS. Zero criticism of the person who actually cheated and destroyed the marriage. Women can't win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay with a spouse who cheats just "for the kids." That's a terrible burden to put on them.

How is that a burden on them? So I shouldn't have married either because I married for the kids. Yes, he is wonderful man, but we would have remained boyfriend/ girlfriend if I did not want kids

I guess it's different for those who marry primarily for romantic love. I love my DH very much. But I did not marry him because of that. I married him because I thought marriage was the best institution under which we could raise children. So staying for those children can still make sense if he cheats.

I grew up in a family where my Dad cheated on my Mom continuously. Watching her stay for us, knowing there was no love, no respect, no truth between my parents was very difficult. I often wondered why my mother didn't respect herself more. She wasn't doing herself, OR HER KIDS, any favors by staying.

Do you think there's some internalized misogyny here? At least in this statement, you're directly all of your anger towards the person who ill used, rather than the person who was using her ill. She probably thought she was making the best choice out of only bad choices.

THIS. Zero criticism of the person who actually cheated and destroyed the marriage. Women can't win.

Daddy issues. Mommy gets all the blame even when Daddy did the bad stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay with a spouse who cheats just "for the kids." That's a terrible burden to put on them.

How is that a burden on them? So I shouldn't have married either because I married for the kids. Yes, he is wonderful man, but we would have remained boyfriend/ girlfriend if I did not want kids

I guess it's different for those who marry primarily for romantic love. I love my DH very much. But I did not marry him because of that. I married him because I thought marriage was the best institution under which we could raise children. So staying for those children can still make sense if he cheats.

I grew up in a family where my Dad cheated on my Mom continuously. Watching her stay for us, knowing there was no love, no respect, no truth between my parents was very difficult. I often wondered why my mother didn't respect herself more. She wasn't doing herself, OR HER KIDS, any favors by staying.

Do you think there's some internalized misogyny here? At least in this statement, you're directly all of your anger towards the person who ill used, rather than the person who was using her ill. She probably thought she was making the best choice out of only bad choices.

THIS. Zero criticism of the person who actually cheated and destroyed the marriage. Women can't win.

Daddy issues. Mommy gets all the blame even when Daddy did the bad stuff.

Girls almost always blame their mother for every ill in their life. Daddy's little Princess. It dooms their future relationships. They subconsciously end up with men like Daddy or are out screwing around in their marriage or with married men to win back daddy. They can't see that their mother suffered awful emotional abuse and trauma from the cheating and that abuse made her unable to act in her own best interest. She also most likely thought she was doing the best by her kids to not have them in separate houses, moving back and forth, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay with a spouse who cheats just "for the kids." That's a terrible burden to put on them.

How is that a burden on them? So I shouldn't have married either because I married for the kids. Yes, he is wonderful man, but we would have remained boyfriend/ girlfriend if I did not want kids

I guess it's different for those who marry primarily for romantic love. I love my DH very much. But I did not marry him because of that. I married him because I thought marriage was the best institution under which we could raise children. So staying for those children can still make sense if he cheats.

I grew up in a family where my Dad cheated on my Mom continuously. Watching her stay for us, knowing there was no love, no respect, no truth between my parents was very difficult. I often wondered why my mother didn't respect herself more. She wasn't doing herself, OR HER KIDS, any favors by staying.

And there are adults, even on these boards who blame their parents for divorcing. There was truth between your parents: they both loved you. And that is what you should have kept in mindbecause that is what they owed you. The rest(whether they loved each other) was none of your business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay with a spouse who cheats just "for the kids." That's a terrible burden to put on them.

How is that a burden on them? So I shouldn't have married either because I married for the kids. Yes, he is wonderful man, but we would have remained boyfriend/ girlfriend if I did not want kids

I guess it's different for those who marry primarily for romantic love. I love my DH very much. But I did not marry him because of that. I married him because I thought marriage was the best institution under which we could raise children. So staying for those children can still make sense if he cheats.

I grew up in a family where my Dad cheated on my Mom continuously. Watching her stay for us, knowing there was no love, no respect, no truth between my parents was very difficult. I often wondered why my mother didn't respect herself more. She wasn't doing herself, OR HER KIDS, any favors by staying.

And there are adults, even on these boards who blame their parents for divorcing. There was truth between your parents: they both loved you. And that is what you should have kept in mindbecause that is what they owed you. The rest(whether they loved each other) was none of your business.

That's ridiculous. Obviously parents love for each other has an effect on the kids and does not live in a vacuum. Grow up yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay with a spouse who cheats just "for the kids." That's a terrible burden to put on them.

How is that a burden on them? So I shouldn't have married either because I married for the kids. Yes, he is wonderful man, but we would have remained boyfriend/ girlfriend if I did not want kids

I guess it's different for those who marry primarily for romantic love. I love my DH very much. But I did not marry him because of that. I married him because I thought marriage was the best institution under which we could raise children. So staying for those children can still make sense if he cheats.

I grew up in a family where my Dad cheated on my Mom continuously. Watching her stay for us, knowing there was no love, no respect, no truth between my parents was very difficult. I often wondered why my mother didn't respect herself more. She wasn't doing herself, OR HER KIDS, any favors by staying.

I hope you have gotten therapy. You still sound very troubled.

Obnoxious thing to say. You sound very troubled.

]

DP. ? Your outbursts only prove the point. Anytime a child is railing against the past and still angry and judgmental, there is unprocessed trauma that is going to affect their relationships and their adult life. The problem will become generational when the work to heal is not done. Read "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents". I am sure you will see a lot of your parents in there and see how it is still affecting your life and your choices.

This was not the same person. You've responded to two different people. You are too high minded of yourself. Probably the same poster who likes to talk about infidelity when she or he has never experienced it. I don't blame my parents. I think your comment is obnoxious. The person simply didn't like living in a household where there was no love. You projected that she blamed her parents for something about herself currently. She was merely responding to the poster that was saying somehow it was beneficial for the kids for parents to stay together after cheating. See you are reading things into these comments that aren't there, not the other way round.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying with my DH after his affair is one of the most difficult things I have done. I took the advice of a good friend who basically told me not to make any rash decisions and give myself the gift of time to really figure out what I wanted and what I could handle. My DH did a lot of individual therapy, changed jobs, stopped traveling, and signed a post-nup with a cheating clause. He has made every effort to regain my trust.

We communicate much better now and our kids are thriving. With that being said, there is not one day that goes by that I do not think about it. It is really a terrible trauma to live through. Sometimes what is worse than the fact of the affair is going back and remembering what I was like those initial few weeks. Couldn't eat, sleep, lost 15 pounds, pulled over on the side of the road and sobbed often, sat in the doctor's office crying while I got checked for STDs. I had such a displaced sense of reality and felt like a walking zombie. I am happy that I stayed mainly but sometimes I do wonder whether healing from my trauma would have been easier if I left.

can you still have sex with him? do you still feel affection or attraction towards him?

I know it’s difficult to get rid of that psychological pain memory from the first shock, it’s ptsd, and there are likely daily reminders of the trauma; in the end, you get addicted to that self-pity and although it doesn’t make you feel good, it does activate stress hormones, it makes you alive, like all drug addictions, it’s not healthy, you need your health for your kids
I don’t know if you’re religious, I’m not super but I’m a little and I do have faith in the universe, just think this is God’s will, don’t be afraid, he walks in front of you, this is how the universe goes around or expands or whatever, marvel at the human nature and it’s misery of not being able to control basic instincts, don’t think it’s about you and what you could have done or did not do, because in the big scheme of things it doesn’t matter
I’m talking big but I’m like you, still working with myself to get over it after more than 25years … it is what it is, some people go through affairs, others get cancer, get into accidents and so on, have their kids shot at school by some maniac, all men btw, these animals, never heard of one woman

+1 I agree with all of this and at the same time I think--how can a married woman with kids to this to another woman. I get that everyone says men are less evolved (like your last statement), but in many of these instances the men are doing it with other married women that also have kids. It's an unusually brutal thing.

Thinking about his wife and two little kids is mainly what stopped me from having an affair.

What if the wife is a terrible person, terrible mother?

NP. I don’t think cheaters have a good concept of what makes somebody a terrible person.

I know that my AP's wife and her family hold views and commit actions that the vast majority of DCUM would find abhorrent and that put their children at risk, health-wise, intellectually, emotionally. Every time this issue is discussed here, people envision themselves as the betrayed spouse. They never picture the dregs of society. For all the talk of karma on here, who's to say a deplorable person losing their marriage isn't just karma righting wrongs? I don't believe in that stuff, but none of these issues are black and white.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay with a spouse who cheats just "for the kids." That's a terrible burden to put on them.

How is that a burden on them? So I shouldn't have married either because I married for the kids. Yes, he is wonderful man, but we would have remained boyfriend/ girlfriend if I did not want kids

I guess it's different for those who marry primarily for romantic love. I love my DH very much. But I did not marry him because of that. I married him because I thought marriage was the best institution under which we could raise children. So staying for those children can still make sense if he cheats.

I grew up in a family where my Dad cheated on my Mom continuously. Watching her stay for us, knowing there was no love, no respect, no truth between my parents was very difficult. I often wondered why my mother didn't respect herself more. She wasn't doing herself, OR HER KIDS, any favors by staying.

Do you think there's some internalized misogyny here? At least in this statement, you're directly all of your anger towards the person who ill used, rather than the person who was using her ill. She probably thought she was making the best choice out of only bad choices.

This thread is about people who choose to forgive infidelity and stay in the marriage, not about the cheater per se.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay with a spouse who cheats just "for the kids." That's a terrible burden to put on them.

How is that a burden on them? So I shouldn't have married either because I married for the kids. Yes, he is wonderful man, but we would have remained boyfriend/ girlfriend if I did not want kids

I guess it's different for those who marry primarily for romantic love. I love my DH very much. But I did not marry him because of that. I married him because I thought marriage was the best institution under which we could raise children. So staying for those children can still make sense if he cheats.

I grew up in a family where my Dad cheated on my Mom continuously. Watching her stay for us, knowing there was no love, no respect, no truth between my parents was very difficult. I often wondered why my mother didn't respect herself more. She wasn't doing herself, OR HER KIDS, any favors by staying.

That's one story. There are so many different stories and scenarios. There are many marriages where there is lots of love and a happy home--but mom or dad cheated once and the kids had zero idea. Not every cheater is a serial cheater and a horrible parent/spouse/person.

A bad marriage can be many things. The environment can be very toxic even when there is no cheating on either side. Yes, in an awful marriage and home environment--a divorce may be in the best interest of the kids. But, your example is just that: your example. And, obviously, you are still very bitter about it.

+100

I know so many stories where the kids are blissfully unaware, even after the parents are gone. They still hold them on a pedestal.

Yes, it is true that some children never find out about infidelity. But there are others who do, and staying for the sake of the children is not always the gift you make think it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay with a spouse who cheats just "for the kids." That's a terrible burden to put on them.

How is that a burden on them? So I shouldn't have married either because I married for the kids. Yes, he is wonderful man, but we would have remained boyfriend/ girlfriend if I did not want kids

I guess it's different for those who marry primarily for romantic love. I love my DH very much. But I did not marry him because of that. I married him because I thought marriage was the best institution under which we could raise children. So staying for those children can still make sense if he cheats.

I grew up in a family where my Dad cheated on my Mom continuously. Watching her stay for us, knowing there was no love, no respect, no truth between my parents was very difficult. I often wondered why my mother didn't respect herself more. She wasn't doing herself, OR HER KIDS, any favors by staying.

I hope you have gotten therapy. You still sound very troubled.

Obnoxious thing to say. You sound very troubled.

]

DP. ? Your outbursts only prove the point. Anytime a child is railing against the past and still angry and judgmental, there is unprocessed trauma that is going to affect their relationships and their adult life. The problem will become generational when the work to heal is not done. Read "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents". I am sure you will see a lot of your parents in there and see how it is still affecting your life and your choices.

This was not the same person. You've responded to two different people. You are too high minded of yourself. Probably the same poster who likes to talk about infidelity when she or he has never experienced it. I don't blame my parents. I think your comment is obnoxious. The person simply didn't like living in a household where there was no love. You projected that she blamed her parents for something about herself currently. She was merely responding to the poster that was saying somehow it was beneficial for the kids for parents to stay together after cheating. See you are reading things into these comments that aren't there, not the other way round.

DP. It's interesting how you are capable of pointing out how the poster is reading things into comments that aren't there while you are reading into comments that aren't there. Ins ome cases, it is beneficial for the parents to stay together after cheating. That was my point. You cannot say that divorce is always more beneficial to the children than staying together is. Go back and read my post. I wrote that it "can" make sense, not that it always makes sense.

[Anonymous]

I stand by my comment that her statement was posted to clarify that it's not always beneficial for parents to stay together growing up so clearly she also thought it needed clarification. Since this was the point of your post anyway, I guess you have no objection.

[Anonymous]

It's beneficial for kids to be with mom and dad IF mom and dad are not yelling and screaming at each other and can go back to living normally. In some cases, that's possible, in others, it isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying with my DH after his affair is one of the most difficult things I have done. I took the advice of a good friend who basically told me not to make any rash decisions and give myself the gift of time to really figure out what I wanted and what I could handle. My DH did a lot of individual therapy, changed jobs, stopped traveling, and signed a post-nup with a cheating clause. He has made every effort to regain my trust.

We communicate much better now and our kids are thriving. With that being said, there is not one day that goes by that I do not think about it. It is really a terrible trauma to live through. Sometimes what is worse than the fact of the affair is going back and remembering what I was like those initial few weeks. Couldn't eat, sleep, lost 15 pounds, pulled over on the side of the road and sobbed often, sat in the doctor's office crying while I got checked for STDs. I had such a displaced sense of reality and felt like a walking zombie. I am happy that I stayed mainly but sometimes I do wonder whether healing from my trauma would have been easier if I left.

can you still have sex with him? do you still feel affection or attraction towards him?

I know it’s difficult to get rid of that psychological pain memory from the first shock, it’s ptsd, and there are likely daily reminders of the trauma; in the end, you get addicted to that self-pity and although it doesn’t make you feel good, it does activate stress hormones, it makes you alive, like all drug addictions, it’s not healthy, you need your health for your kids
I don’t know if you’re religious, I’m not super but I’m a little and I do have faith in the universe, just think this is God’s will, don’t be afraid, he walks in front of you, this is how the universe goes around or expands or whatever, marvel at the human nature and it’s misery of not being able to control basic instincts, don’t think it’s about you and what you could have done or did not do, because in the big scheme of things it doesn’t matter
I’m talking big but I’m like you, still working with myself to get over it after more than 25years … it is what it is, some people go through affairs, others get cancer, get into accidents and so on, have their kids shot at school by some maniac, all men btw, these animals, never heard of one woman

+1 I agree with all of this and at the same time I think--how can a married woman with kids to this to another woman. I get that everyone says men are less evolved (like your last statement), but in many of these instances the men are doing it with other married women that also have kids. It's an unusually brutal thing.

Thinking about his wife and two little kids is mainly what stopped me from having an affair.

What if the wife is a terrible person, terrible mother?

NP. I don’t think cheaters have a good concept of what makes somebody a terrible person.

I know that my AP's wife and her family hold views and commit actions that the vast majority of DCUM would find abhorrent and that put their children at risk, health-wise, intellectually, emotionally. Every time this issue is discussed here, people envision themselves as the betrayed spouse. They never picture the dregs of society. For all the talk of karma on here, who's to say a deplorable person losing their marriage isn't just karma righting wrongs? I don't believe in that stuff, but none of these issues are black and white.

The hubris is incredible. I hope you don’t think you’re an instrument of karma. You sound like you’re trying to be some kind of self-appointed vigilante dispensing cosmic justice but really, you’re just a cheater.