Less successful sister is acting like she's the de facto owner of dad's beach house

[Anonymous]

Wow, OP, you're dad is sound in mind and body. He thinks it's fine for your sister to visit frequently. So...butt out.

And it is HIS HOUSE, so if he decides it to leave it to her in his will or a larger portion of his estate to her, that's HIS business.

You sound like a bitter bean-counter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:My sister also seems to think I’ll just give her my share of my parents mountain house. She gave me a major guilt trip about how unless it’s her only home in retirement, she’d never be able to afford her share of upkeep and taxes so how could I possibly be so selfish to not just give it to her so that I could use it a couple months a year. I was really flabbergasted she thought I’d just give her my half of this very valuable asset that has been in our family for generations simply because i pursued higher paying jobs than her

So, you'd rather sell a house that's been in your family for GENERATIONS than go with your sister's plan? That is the only way she can keep it (and you are blaming her for it because her job isn't as lucrative). By the time you and OP sell the damn houses, you will be out considerable money for fees and taxes and will have ruined family relationships. Is it really worth it? Maybe your parents and OP's dad see otherwise?

It seems more prudent to draw up an agreement to keep the house and pass down to children, or to think of it as a long term asset that you can sell after x years, agreed on by all parties, to gain additional growth.

No - I’d plan to keep the house and use it as a second home regularly (it’s a second home place). I could buy my sisters out of her share if she can’t afford it and she could get her own second home or rental or time share or whatever that she can afford. Her plans shouldn’t count on me just gifting her millions of dollars so that she can live there full time. Why does she get to count on it being hers when she can’t afford it because she prioritized a job where she always gets off at 3pm whereas I can’t count on it being mine when I could actually fairly pay for it? I’m happy to share fairly, happy to buy her out, but not planning on just giving her a multimillion dollar asset. That would be giving my money to her kids instead of my own kids which makes no sense

Your sister isn’t asking you to gift her anything. If your dad decides to leave the house to her, that is his choice and you get no say in it.

This. OP, this isn’t your house!

OP, as a parent, if I found out where your heart is on this matter, I would intentionally cut you off. Your success has come at the cost of nastiness.

That was not OP, you dimwits. Try and keep up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It does seem your sister is acting as if she will inherit the property and when your dad passes, she may seek to claim that she owns it outright although it is quite difficult to adversely possess property.

https://myersfletcher.com/resources/item/it-s-risky-business-neglecting-an-estate.html

You may want to just ensure nothing shady is going on/conduct some diligence (check the deed on the property and make sure it is titled in your dad's name or that it is titled in his trusts's name and email a PDF of the trust or will and your dad's estate plans to all of your siblings - to ensure that everyone has a copy and it is clear your dad or his trust owns the property and that the estate plan is to distribute it equally among his three children).

Adverse possession exists as a concept solely to provide law school professors with exam questions

This. I don't remember a lot about it, but I do know that attempting to adversely possess the house when OP's father is living there is . . . unlikely to be successful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister also seems to think I’ll just give her my share of my parents mountain house. She gave me a major guilt trip about how unless it’s her only home in retirement, she’d never be able to afford her share of upkeep and taxes so how could I possibly be so selfish to not just give it to her so that I could use it a couple months a year. I was really flabbergasted she thought I’d just give her my half of this very valuable asset that has been in our family for generations simply because i pursued higher paying jobs than her

So, you'd rather sell a house that's been in your family for GENERATIONS than go with your sister's plan? That is the only way she can keep it (and you are blaming her for it because her job isn't as lucrative). By the time you and OP sell the damn houses, you will be out considerable money for fees and taxes and will have ruined family relationships. Is it really worth it? Maybe your parents and OP's dad see otherwise?

It seems more prudent to draw up an agreement to keep the house and pass down to children, or to think of it as a long term asset that you can sell after x years, agreed on by all parties, to gain additional growth.

No - I’d plan to keep the house and use it as a second home regularly (it’s a second home place). I could buy my sisters out of her share if she can’t afford it and she could get her own second home or rental or time share or whatever that she can afford. Her plans shouldn’t count on me just gifting her millions of dollars so that she can live there full time. Why does she get to count on it being hers when she can’t afford it because she prioritized a job where she always gets off at 3pm whereas I can’t count on it being mine when I could actually fairly pay for it? I’m happy to share fairly, happy to buy her out, but not planning on just giving her a multimillion dollar asset. That would be giving my money to her kids instead of my own kids which makes no sense

Your sister isn’t asking you to gift her anything. If your dad decides to leave the house to her, that is his choice and you get no say in it.

This. OP, this isn’t your house!

OP, as a parent, if I found out where your heart is on this matter, I would intentionally cut you off. Your success has come at the cost of nastiness.

That was not OP, you dimwits. Try and keep up.

OP has chimed in enough that all these comments are accurate. Dimwit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister also seems to think I’ll just give her my share of my parents mountain house. She gave me a major guilt trip about how unless it’s her only home in retirement, she’d never be able to afford her share of upkeep and taxes so how could I possibly be so selfish to not just give it to her so that I could use it a couple months a year. I was really flabbergasted she thought I’d just give her my half of this very valuable asset that has been in our family for generations simply because i pursued higher paying jobs than her

So, you'd rather sell a house that's been in your family for GENERATIONS than go with your sister's plan? That is the only way she can keep it (and you are blaming her for it because her job isn't as lucrative). By the time you and OP sell the damn houses, you will be out considerable money for fees and taxes and will have ruined family relationships. Is it really worth it? Maybe your parents and OP's dad see otherwise?

It seems more prudent to draw up an agreement to keep the house and pass down to children, or to think of it as a long term asset that you can sell after x years, agreed on by all parties, to gain additional growth.

No - I’d plan to keep the house and use it as a second home regularly (it’s a second home place). I could buy my sisters out of her share if she can’t afford it and she could get her own second home or rental or time share or whatever that she can afford. Her plans shouldn’t count on me just gifting her millions of dollars so that she can live there full time. Why does she get to count on it being hers when she can’t afford it because she prioritized a job where she always gets off at 3pm whereas I can’t count on it being mine when I could actually fairly pay for it? I’m happy to share fairly, happy to buy her out, but not planning on just giving her a multimillion dollar asset. That would be giving my money to her kids instead of my own kids which makes no sense

Exactly. I'd probably talk to your dad about POA for medical reasons if ever needed. And everyone should have a copy of his will or trust.

I would say sell the properties and divide it evenly to avoid many headaches. That's fair to all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op has a right to be concerned. I've often seen the favorite child get the vacation house to keep it in the family. Also parents also think an unsuccessful child should be given more money. I'd assume this is what her dad is planning. But is all of that worth losing a sibling over? Life isn't fair.

Op should be more concerned over her dad remarrying and a step mom really getting 100% and then only leaving it to her kids. Then op would really have something to complain about. Happened on both sides of my family.

LOL That actually happened to me. We had a family condo on the ocean for many years. After the divorce he dated and ended up remarrying. Though us kids were suppose to have the condo she has it which is fine. We are all doing well and get along with her but our dad should have kept it separate imo. They also had a nice home, but that happens quite a bit. Don't depend on someone else's assets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op has a right to be concerned. I've often seen the favorite child get the vacation house to keep it in the family. Also parents also think an unsuccessful child should be given more money. I'd assume this is what her dad is planning. But is all of that worth losing a sibling over? Life isn't fair.

Op should be more concerned over her dad remarrying and a step mom really getting 100% and then only leaving it to her kids. Then op would really have something to complain about. Happened on both sides of my family.

LOL That actually happened to me. We had a family condo on the ocean for many years. After the divorce he dated and ended up remarrying. Though us kids were suppose to have the condo she has it which is fine. We are all doing well and get along with her but our dad should have kept it separate imo. They also had a nice home, but that happens quite a bit. Don't depend on someone else's assets.

Op, this isn’t your house. I’d focus on your own life and beach house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister also seems to think I’ll just give her my share of my parents mountain house. She gave me a major guilt trip about how unless it’s her only home in retirement, she’d never be able to afford her share of upkeep and taxes so how could I possibly be so selfish to not just give it to her so that I could use it a couple months a year. I was really flabbergasted she thought I’d just give her my half of this very valuable asset that has been in our family for generations simply because i pursued higher paying jobs than her

So, you'd rather sell a house that's been in your family for GENERATIONS than go with your sister's plan? That is the only way she can keep it (and you are blaming her for it because her job isn't as lucrative). By the time you and OP sell the damn houses, you will be out considerable money for fees and taxes and will have ruined family relationships. Is it really worth it? Maybe your parents and OP's dad see otherwise?

It seems more prudent to draw up an agreement to keep the house and pass down to children, or to think of it as a long term asset that you can sell after x years, agreed on by all parties, to gain additional growth.

No - I’d plan to keep the house and use it as a second home regularly (it’s a second home place). I could buy my sisters out of her share if she can’t afford it and she could get her own second home or rental or time share or whatever that she can afford. Her plans shouldn’t count on me just gifting her millions of dollars so that she can live there full time. Why does she get to count on it being hers when she can’t afford it because she prioritized a job where she always gets off at 3pm whereas I can’t count on it being mine when I could actually fairly pay for it? I’m happy to share fairly, happy to buy her out, but not planning on just giving her a multimillion dollar asset. That would be giving my money to her kids instead of my own kids which makes no sense

Exactly. I'd probably talk to your dad about POA for medical reasons if ever needed. And everyone should have a copy of his will or trust.

I would say sell the properties and divide it evenly to avoid many headaches. That's fair to all.

Sell b/c OP can't share? Nope.

[Anonymous]

OP, DCUM in my experience gives terrible advice when it comes to adult siblings. FYI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister also seems to think I’ll just give her my share of my parents mountain house. She gave me a major guilt trip about how unless it’s her only home in retirement, she’d never be able to afford her share of upkeep and taxes so how could I possibly be so selfish to not just give it to her so that I could use it a couple months a year. I was really flabbergasted she thought I’d just give her my half of this very valuable asset that has been in our family for generations simply because i pursued higher paying jobs than her

So, you'd rather sell a house that's been in your family for GENERATIONS than go with your sister's plan? That is the only way she can keep it (and you are blaming her for it because her job isn't as lucrative). By the time you and OP sell the damn houses, you will be out considerable money for fees and taxes and will have ruined family relationships. Is it really worth it? Maybe your parents and OP's dad see otherwise?

It seems more prudent to draw up an agreement to keep the house and pass down to children, or to think of it as a long term asset that you can sell after x years, agreed on by all parties, to gain additional growth.

No - I’d plan to keep the house and use it as a second home regularly (it’s a second home place). I could buy my sisters out of her share if she can’t afford it and she could get her own second home or rental or time share or whatever that she can afford. Her plans shouldn’t count on me just gifting her millions of dollars so that she can live there full time. Why does she get to count on it being hers when she can’t afford it because she prioritized a job where she always gets off at 3pm whereas I can’t count on it being mine when I could actually fairly pay for it? I’m happy to share fairly, happy to buy her out, but not planning on just giving her a multimillion dollar asset. That would be giving my money to her kids instead of my own kids which makes no sense

So she can’t live in it full time, but you can. Got it. You may have done well financially but you are broke emotionally.

[Anonymous]

OP, don’t get upset over an asset your dad may not have forever. Should he ever need long term skilled nursing home care, his assets will be drawn down. You are throwing a fit over a house that no one in your family is guaranteed to inherit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, understand your concern. I have a younger sister who always, always had her hand out in one way or another and played the sympathy card with my parents throughout their lives. Their estate was always set up to benefit the grandchildren, and my siblings and I were fine with that, just not my younger sister. Fast forward to my parents passing within weeks of each other, she had at some point gotten them to revise their will and kept it secret from the rest of the family. I consider it to be elder abuse the games she played, but so be it, she got everything down to the china. For a small moment in time she invited us to come and take some remembrance of our parents, but even that gesture went away very fast. She was not a squatter, but an opportunist and assumed that because she was the youngest she was and always was entitled to special exception. Needless to say, she has lost most of the family who refuse to have anything to do with her and I am treading in that direction, not because I need the money but I can't seem to let it go in my own mind how deceptive she was with all of us, especially my elderly parents. They deserved better than that in their final years. My hope is they did not see it the way everyone else does.

that is so damn sad. happened to a good friend of mine. the brother/son was the youngest. he inherited the multi-generational family business. he drove it into bankruptcy after taking out a few loans from the older siblings. he then went to their mother, who was still alive. got her to change the will and leave everything to him, down to every last bit of jewelry, even pieces she had discussed with her daughters. the sisters are beyond angry and have had nothing to do with him for 7 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, don’t get upset over an asset your dad may not have forever. Should he ever need long term skilled nursing home care, his assets will be drawn down. You are throwing a fit over a house that no one in your family is guaranteed to inherit.

very, very good point. don't sleep on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister also seems to think I’ll just give her my share of my parents mountain house. She gave me a major guilt trip about how unless it’s her only home in retirement, she’d never be able to afford her share of upkeep and taxes so how could I possibly be so selfish to not just give it to her so that I could use it a couple months a year. I was really flabbergasted she thought I’d just give her my half of this very valuable asset that has been in our family for generations simply because i pursued higher paying jobs than her

So, you'd rather sell a house that's been in your family for GENERATIONS than go with your sister's plan? That is the only way she can keep it (and you are blaming her for it because her job isn't as lucrative). By the time you and OP sell the damn houses, you will be out considerable money for fees and taxes and will have ruined family relationships. Is it really worth it? Maybe your parents and OP's dad see otherwise?

It seems more prudent to draw up an agreement to keep the house and pass down to children, or to think of it as a long term asset that you can sell after x years, agreed on by all parties, to gain additional growth.

Not Op, but yeah, I would. There is no equatable way to share a joint house across three siblings and their children. There is no joint legal agreement that can share an asset across an entire family.
One family always ends up “hogging” it in my experience. And it’s usually the family with the least income and the most free time. After living through this nightmare with my husband’s family, I am saying goodbye to the romantic notion of a third or fourth generation vacation home. It only works if it’s a compound and all the families of every subsequent generation are financially equal.

Some years ago my SIL/BIL tried to get her (DH) parents to buy a weekend home a few hours near them. Mind you, the ILs lived at least 8 hours away, so this would never be a weekend home for them. It became clear to DH that this really wasn't intended to be a family home as the SIL wouldn't agree on possible other, more convenient locations, but a weekend house solely for the sister's use. The parents also realized this and the idea eventually withered on the vine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op has a right to be concerned. I've often seen the favorite child get the vacation house to keep it in the family. Also parents also think an unsuccessful child should be given more money. I'd assume this is what her dad is planning. But is all of that worth losing a sibling over? Life isn't fair.

Op should be more concerned over her dad remarrying and a step mom really getting 100% and then only leaving it to her kids. Then op would really have something to complain about. Happened on both sides of my family.

I've seen this happen a number of times in friends' families and I can't quite figure out if I have an opinion or not. Well, I def think wrong when left only to her kids but is it wrong that the step children who never lived in the home get a cut.

Also know a case where the dad left everything to his children and only a small amount to his surviving second wife. She was in serious financial trouble within a year of his passing. They had been married 35 years. Very tragic.