I was so naive re marriage, career and kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP

Here’s a fresh example from tonight. I need to work late.

I texted him and asked if after the toddler goes to bed / or before, he can throw a load of laundry in the wash and then dryer. I said we would then fold it together when I come home.

He said he can’t because he’s arranging the groceries delivered today so he does not want to do two tasks.

You are an absolute nutcase. If my DH micromanaged me by text like this I would tell him to F** right off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP

Here’s a fresh example from tonight. I need to work late.

I texted him and asked if after the toddler goes to bed / or before, he can throw a load of laundry in the wash and then dryer. I said we would then fold it together when I come home.

He said he can’t because he’s arranging the groceries delivered today so he does not want to do two tasks.

You are an absolute nutcase. If my DH micromanaged me by text like this I would tell him to F** right off.

OP: The baby needs laundry. What would you do? I can do it when I get home at 830.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP

Here’s a fresh example from tonight. I need to work late.

I texted him and asked if after the toddler goes to bed / or before, he can throw a load of laundry in the wash and then dryer. I said we would then fold it together when I come home.

He said he can’t because he’s arranging the groceries delivered today so he does not want to do two tasks.

I would have lost my marbles if you were my husband and did this to me. It just comes across as so micromanaging and condescending, even if you didn’t mean it that way, and it’s probably why he responded the way you did.

Just because you worked late does not mean you need to get on the phone and start assigning task to your spouse, another working adult who is handling the home front while you are away. It sounds like you were stressed and took it out on him but you don’t even seem to realize that you do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP

Here’s a fresh example from tonight. I need to work late.

I texted him and asked if after the toddler goes to bed / or before, he can throw a load of laundry in the wash and then dryer. I said we would then fold it together when I come home.

He said he can’t because he’s arranging the groceries delivered today so he does not want to do two tasks.

I would have lost my marbles if you were my husband and did this to me. It just comes across as so micromanaging and condescending, even if you didn’t mean it that way, and it’s probably why he responded the way you did.

Just because you worked late does not mean you need to get on the phone and start assigning task to your spouse, another working adult who is handling the home front while you are away. It sounds like you were stressed and took it out on him but you don’t even seem to realize that you do it.

This. Astonishing that OP manages to see HERSELF as the aggrieved party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP

Here’s a fresh example from tonight. I need to work late.

I texted him and asked if after the toddler goes to bed / or before, he can throw a load of laundry in the wash and then dryer. I said we would then fold it together when I come home.

He said he can’t because he’s arranging the groceries delivered today so he does not want to do two tasks.

You are an absolute nutcase. If my DH micromanaged me by text like this I would tell him to F** right off.

OP: The baby needs laundry. What would you do? I can do it when I get home at 830.

How about this: don’t do the baby’s laundry. Have it one hundred percent separated from your laundry as a couple (and you will split those tasks). Baby doesn’t have clean clothes for daycare one morning? Oops, husband will have to send the baby in pajamas and make a note to himself that he needs to do laundry that day.

You can’t keep doing these tasks and yet also expect him to learn from the mistake of not having clean baby laundry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP

Here’s a fresh example from tonight. I need to work late.

I texted him and asked if after the toddler goes to bed / or before, he can throw a load of laundry in the wash and then dryer. I said we would then fold it together when I come home.

He said he can’t because he’s arranging the groceries delivered today so he does not want to do two tasks.

You are an absolute nutcase. If my DH micromanaged me by text like this I would tell him to F** right off.

OP: The baby needs laundry. What would you do? I can do it when I get home at 830.

I would tell you to go back to your job that requires you to work all the time, to let me do my thing where I do all of the emotional work of putting a toddler to bed with no help from the other parent, and for you to stop micromanaging me about two loads of laundry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP

Here’s a fresh example from tonight. I need to work late.

I texted him and asked if after the toddler goes to bed / or before, he can throw a load of laundry in the wash and then dryer. I said we would then fold it together when I come home.

He said he can’t because he’s arranging the groceries delivered today so he does not want to do two tasks.

What is wrong with you? Your husband worked all day, is going to do all toddler care through bedtime, AND is putting away groceries. If that were me and my husband texted me that he was working late and then gave me another chore to do, I would kill him.

[Anonymous]

Damn, OP thinks her husband is the one who is out of line here. Amazing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP

Here’s a fresh example from tonight. I need to work late.

I texted him and asked if after the toddler goes to bed / or before, he can throw a load of laundry in the wash and then dryer. I said we would then fold it together when I come home.

He said he can’t because he’s arranging the groceries delivered today so he does not want to do two tasks.

What is wrong with you? Your husband worked all day, is going to do all toddler care through bedtime, AND is putting away groceries. If that were me and my husband texted me that he was working late and then gave me another chore to do, I would kill him.

Yep I would not put up with this from my husband if I also worked FT.

[Anonymous]

I dunno. Maybe we are odd but ive texted dh to theow in a load of laundry and he'd put it in. Or he would text me to do whatver because it needs to be done. We long ago decided bot to read tone into texts and emails. Its just exchange of info. If someone is annoyed they will assume the text is mean when its not. You two need to have a calm conversation about household and childcare responsibilities and what you want both your lives to look like in the short and long term. It happens that you have non traditional role breakdown but since both of you work, you are both tired and need to split the house stuff somewhat fairly. But it doesn't mean the person who works less at a full time job does a ton more. we discussed what to outsource, what to let go and how to dela with the rest based on who is better/less annoyed by the task. So i cook and he does laundry and we both grocery shop and take care of two kids. My job is more flexible so im on tap for appointments and drop off. He is a better planner so he manages the calendar and signs up for activities when HE can do the transport and allocates time for it.

[Anonymous]

OP, why do you always refer to your child as only “the baby” or “the kid?”

You do realize a child is not an accessory or pet, don’t you.

[Anonymous]

I hope you are making 400k/year of not time to re evaluate your priorities op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dunno. Maybe we are odd but ive texted dh to theow in a load of laundry and he'd put it in. Or he would text me to do whatver because it needs to be done. We long ago decided bot to read tone into texts and emails. Its just exchange of info. If someone is annoyed they will assume the text is mean when its not. You two need to have a calm conversation about household and childcare responsibilities and what you want both your lives to look like in the short and long term. It happens that you have non traditional role breakdown but since both of you work, you are both tired and need to split the house stuff somewhat fairly. But it doesn't mean the person who works less at a full time job does a ton more. we discussed what to outsource, what to let go and how to dela with the rest based on who is better/less annoyed by the task. So i cook and he does laundry and we both grocery shop and take care of two kids. My job is more flexible so im on tap for appointments and drop off. He is a better planner so he manages the calendar and signs up for activities when HE can do the transport and allocates time for it.

Yeah, I don’t understand this totally either. Asking each other if we can do something is fine. Fine to say no if we can’t. We are both all hands on deck, let’s get this done efficiently types though. I suppose if you have more ego it would be tricky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP

Here’s a fresh example from tonight. I need to work late.

I texted him and asked if after the toddler goes to bed / or before, he can throw a load of laundry in the wash and then dryer. I said we would then fold it together when I come home.

He said he can’t because he’s arranging the groceries delivered today so he does not want to do two tasks.

What is wrong with you? Your husband worked all day, is going to do all toddler care through bedtime, AND is putting away groceries. If that were me and my husband texted me that he was working late and then gave me another chore to do, I would kill him.

I don’t understand why this family does not outsource more.

Also, if you throw in laundry at 830 or Dh only puts laundry in washer and then you put it in the dryer, you can pull out the outfit you need for your child tomorrow.

Dh works late. If I’m trying to just survive and gave me tasks, I would probably kill him.

That being said, your Dh will probably throw in the laundry and be annoyed at you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dunno. Maybe we are odd but ive texted dh to theow in a load of laundry and he'd put it in. Or he would text me to do whatver because it needs to be done. We long ago decided bot to read tone into texts and emails. Its just exchange of info. If someone is annoyed they will assume the text is mean when its not. You two need to have a calm conversation about household and childcare responsibilities and what you want both your lives to look like in the short and long term. It happens that you have non traditional role breakdown but since both of you work, you are both tired and need to split the house stuff somewhat fairly. But it doesn't mean the person who works less at a full time job does a ton more. we discussed what to outsource, what to let go and how to dela with the rest based on who is better/less annoyed by the task. So i cook and he does laundry and we both grocery shop and take care of two kids. My job is more flexible so im on tap for appointments and drop off. He is a better planner so he manages the calendar and signs up for activities when HE can do the transport and allocates time for it.

Yeah, I don’t understand this totally either. Asking each other if we can do something is fine. Fine to say no if we can’t. We are both all hands on deck, let’s get this done efficiently types though. I suppose if you have more ego it would be tricky.

OP’s husband doesn’t have “an ego.” He is exhausted from working a more-than-full time job with no childcare help from OP, plus OP orders him around and shows him zero appreciation.