Any way to disinvite a cousin from an annual beach reunion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol. OP is asking for advice on one thing and people bring up perceived additional info as if it's true. Wild.

It's the dcum classic -- rewriting the OP's posts to fit their own history & narrative.

Ah, never change DCUM!

OP is getting advice, it's just not what she wants to hear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what happened when she was the only childfree one?

There might be resentments on her side too.

She’s always been like this. In the past it hasn’t been as bad bc she hovers and asks if I’m making her a sandwich, my answer is normally sure! Or annoyance and a “no” and I quickly move on. It just hits differently when I’m making sandwiches for all these kids and her husband is working and her baby is sleeping and she asks me to prepare her lunch. (To which I said no.)

That’s one example.

While you cousin could use some fine tuning. Most of your gripes oil down to your cousin not sacrificing herself like you do making her entire life about servicing the kids and everyone else. always doing doing doing, that's what we're supposed to do as women and moms , right?

Cousin may need to step it up, but you need to tone it down.

+1
It's pretty clear what's going on here. I had a couple of relatives who were EXACTLY like this, expected the wives/moms to sacrifice their entire "vacation" to serve everyone else, especially children, and definitely if you had the nerve to exist as a childless woman like the cousin was for awhile. The cousin isn't falling in line and OP is pissed. My self-appointed trip planner aunt wasn't pleased either. Too bad for her that I wasn't willing to be on duty all vacation as the husbands and children just sat in front of the TV waiting to be served. Team cousin.

Nah. I’m childfree for life, but when I go on vacay with my nieces and nephew, I help them brush their hair, find their shoes, fix them a snack, etc. Honestly it’s kind of fun, since I don’t deal with the daily drudgery, plus I love them. OP’s cousin sounds like a lazy wretch.

You want to do it though which is far different than their mother expecting you to do it. You are also kinda prooving PP's point that the cousin is lazy because she doesn't want to take care of children that aren't her own.

+1 and I have a sneaking suspicion that pp would have a different view of a male cousin.

[Anonymous]

Lots of DCUM posters obviously don’t live by the “it takes a village” way of raising kids. Fine. But that means your way of vacationing with kids is not a good fit for this particular vacation. Like it or not, OP is the host, so her preferences matter. (And yes to the ones who insist on bringing up OP’s parents. It’s HER parents who have given HER permission to use the house. She is the host.)

And there’s simply no excuse for not doing your own laundry and dishes as an adult, or working remotely and disrupting vacation for others when your own house is nearby. OP, it’s perfectly fine to tell the cousin it won’t work next year and why.

[Anonymous]

It is your house, so to say. She is acting like she is at an all-inclusive resort. You are the all-inclusive staff.
No, just say no, who wants that slob for a friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what happened when she was the only childfree one?

There might be resentments on her side too.

She’s always been like this. In the past it hasn’t been as bad bc she hovers and asks if I’m making her a sandwich, my answer is normally sure! Or annoyance and a “no” and I quickly move on. It just hits differently when I’m making sandwiches for all these kids and her husband is working and her baby is sleeping and she asks me to prepare her lunch. (To which I said no.)

That’s one example.

While you cousin could use some fine tuning. Most of your gripes oil down to your cousin not sacrificing herself like you do making her entire life about servicing the kids and everyone else. always doing doing doing, that's what we're supposed to do as women and moms , right?

Cousin may need to step it up, but you need to tone it down.

+1
It's pretty clear what's going on here. I had a couple of relatives who were EXACTLY like this, expected the wives/moms to sacrifice their entire "vacation" to serve everyone else, especially children, and definitely if you had the nerve to exist as a childless woman like the cousin was for awhile. The cousin isn't falling in line and OP is pissed. My self-appointed trip planner aunt wasn't pleased either. Too bad for her that I wasn't willing to be on duty all vacation as the husbands and children just sat in front of the TV waiting to be served. Team cousin.

Nah. I’m childfree for life, but when I go on vacay with my nieces and nephew, I help them brush their hair, find their shoes, fix them a snack, etc. Honestly it’s kind of fun, since I don’t deal with the daily drudgery, plus I love them. OP’s cousin sounds like a lazy wretch.

You want to do it though which is far different than their mother expecting you to do it. You are also kinda prooving PP's point that the cousin is lazy because she doesn't want to take care of children that aren't her own.

Agreed with the bolded.

I'm a big believer in the village style, and I always chip in, one way or another. But I don't think that works when it's an enforced obligation -- when you think you have a right to other people's labor, whether you guise that as "it's the right thing" or you are up front in thinking you are owed it. That's a gift. It's not a coin owed you, that you can cash in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of DCUM posters obviously don’t live by the “it takes a village” way of raising kids. Fine. But that means your way of vacationing with kids is not a good fit for this particular vacation. Like it or not, OP is the host, so her preferences matter. (And yes to the ones who insist on bringing up OP’s parents. It’s HER parents who have given HER permission to use the house. She is the host.)

And there’s simply no excuse for not doing your own laundry and dishes as an adult, or working remotely and disrupting vacation for others when your own house is nearby. OP, it’s perfectly fine to tell the cousin it won’t work next year and why.

Does she not do her own dishes or does she not do them when op thinks she should? Something tells me op has complained about how cousin does laundry too.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't expect cousin to watch my kids unless she had been specifically asked to do so, as in "I'm taking all the kids to the beach including yours, OP." If it was made plain that responsibility for a whole group dinner was being assigned, and she knew and did not do her part, call her on it IN THE MOMENT, don't pick up her slack.

OP:"Cousin, what time should my kids be at the table for dinner tonight? You said you were grilling."

Cousin: "I'm not sure"

OP: "I'd like you to commit to 6 pm as the kids will be hungry by then, okay?"

At 6 pm, if cousin is hiding out / evading in bedroom, you call her.If she does not come out, you call her on it when she does.

OP: "It looks taking part in the meal sharing is not working out for you guys. Next year, I think it would be easier for you all to vacation on your own and we can all meet up for the occasional meal out. I get that it's a lot of work taking care of a group this size, so no hard feelings." If she jumps in and pulls her weight, great. If she doesn't you have made your expectations plain.

Stop silently stewing. Before the next trip, tell her that you feel it has to be an equitably shouldered group effort, give examples of her dropping the ball, and say this year it's commit or split off into separate vacations.

[Anonymous]

The cousin acted badly. Expecting others to wait on her, do her laundry, not ever cook, hide in her room, have her DH work remotely from a house with 5 kids. She’s a spoiled brat or very depressed. But either way it’s not someone I would want to spend a vacation with. Even if it meant renting another house. One person in a group with a baby can’t just be acting like it’s an all inclusive resort.
OP you need to speak with your parents first. But I wouldn’t be catering to this cousin on vacations. Traditions end. And the cousin ended it. She’s not going to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The cousin acted badly. Expecting others to wait on her, do her laundry, not ever cook, hide in her room, have her DH work remotely from a house with 5 kids. She’s a spoiled brat or very depressed. But either way it’s not someone I would want to spend a vacation with. Even if it meant renting another house. One person in a group with a baby can’t just be acting like it’s an all inclusive resort.
OP you need to speak with your parents first. But I wouldn’t be catering to this cousin on vacations. Traditions end. And the cousin ended it. She’s not going to change.

No op ended it by her refusal to find a compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of DCUM posters obviously don’t live by the “it takes a village” way of raising kids. Fine. But that means your way of vacationing with kids is not a good fit for this particular vacation. Like it or not, OP is the host, so her preferences matter. (And yes to the ones who insist on bringing up OP’s parents. It’s HER parents who have given HER permission to use the house. She is the host.)

And there’s simply no excuse for not doing your own laundry and dishes as an adult, or working remotely and disrupting vacation for others when your own house is nearby. OP, it’s perfectly fine to tell the cousin it won’t work next year and why.

No the problem is slot of DCumers especially the women, think they have the right to dictate and control their adult relatives calling it village style. True village style is not one person telling everyone else what they are going to do. It's coming together to develop a plan for the group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only person disinviting should be the owners of the home. OP, what do your parents say about all of this?

+1,000

Agree. Quite frankly, if op was my daughter house privileges would be revoked , and the house put up for sale. No way would I put up with her nonsense in my senior years. Could you imagine what a nightmare sheds be trying to hash ownership big the house with her siblings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only person disinviting should be the owners of the home. OP, what do your parents say about all of this?

+1,000

Agree. Quite frankly, if op was my daughter house privileges would be revoked , and the house put up for sale. No way would I put up with her nonsense in my senior years. Could you imagine what a nightmare sheds be trying to hash ownership big the house with her siblings?

I'm curious if OP has siblings, and if she does does she vacation with them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The cousin acted badly. Expecting others to wait on her, do her laundry, not ever cook, hide in her room, have her DH work remotely from a house with 5 kids. She’s a spoiled brat or very depressed. But either way it’s not someone I would want to spend a vacation with. Even if it meant renting another house. One person in a group with a baby can’t just be acting like it’s an all inclusive resort.
OP you need to speak with your parents first. But I wouldn’t be catering to this cousin on vacations. Traditions end. And the cousin ended it. She’s not going to change.

No op ended it by her refusal to find a compromise.

It seems like the compromise is that the cousin and her child and her DH are “guests” of the OP. I wouldn’t want to vacation with them. But maybe you would. I don’t think cousin will change. It’s not a vacation for me to take care of my family and hers also.

[Anonymous]

What am I missing? Why are posters ganging up on OP? This cousin expects that her meals, laundry and cleaning are going to be 100% handled by two women who have a zillion kids between them. What do you expect OP to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The cousin acted badly. Expecting others to wait on her, do her laundry, not ever cook, hide in her room, have her DH work remotely from a house with 5 kids. She’s a spoiled brat or very depressed. But either way it’s not someone I would want to spend a vacation with. Even if it meant renting another house. One person in a group with a baby can’t just be acting like it’s an all inclusive resort.
OP you need to speak with your parents first. But I wouldn’t be catering to this cousin on vacations. Traditions end. And the cousin ended it. She’s not going to change.

No op ended it by her refusal to find a compromise.

It seems like the compromise is that the cousin and her child and her DH are “guests” of the OP. I wouldn’t want to vacation with them. But maybe you would. I don’t think cousin will change. It’s not a vacation for me to take care of my family and hers also.

The compromise would be : cousin and husband clean up after themselves.

Op drop the expectation that everyone wat he's her kids. And thinking she can control screen time for adults.

They all figure out what to do for meals maybe it's everyone chipping in on ordering in every day