Reply to Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
OP,

You need to take charge here with an eye to the future.

Your wife has had enough. You need to show her you're doing your level best to make your sister rise to the occasion, and to persuade your father that your mother will need more care well before he retires.

Then when it becomes clear after your sister and father do their part, that it's still not enough, your wife will be amenable to you making an extra effort, which may mean finding an aide, driving up there only once a week, coordinating the move to the nursing home, and contributing money to those costs.

You need to pressure your sister much more. You need to get on the phone with her, when your wife is within earshot, and really use all the arguments you have. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Explicitly tell her that she owes her mother, and now she needs to step up. Raise your voice if necessary. Remind her that your wife and yourself had her back and tried to help her before. Make it clear that she's a good-for-nothing if she doesn't do this for her mother. Not only does she need to visit, she also needs to pay her portion for hiring an aide and then possibly contributing to the nursing home. She can afford it.

Separately, you need to get on the phone with your father, also when your wife is around to listen, and convince him by degrees that your mother will decline quicker than he can retire. He is wise to continue working. Financial health is everything. But in the meantime, tell him it's not sustainable for you to drive in the late afternoon several times a week just to check in on your mother.

Enter the senior help, whether trained or not, finances will decide that. It could be a neighbor or student or whatever, as long as they have good references or you have a gut feeling they're honest. Hire someone to check on her daily. 
Then you will push your father to get on waiting lists for nursing homes.

My MIL, a widow, has a rotation of women she interviewed and hired as cleaners and cooks a few years ago. Now she's in late Parkinson's and she absolutely relies on them. They are wonderful women who love my MIL and they take great care of her. One or two of them come several hours every day, to prepare all meals, dispense medication, and clean. They take turns depending on what other jobs they have to do, or what vacation they each take. It's taken such a burden of the family's shoulders. My two BILs visit regularly, but couldn't possible take care of their mother by themselves, as they both work full time and have their own families. My husband and I live an 8 hour plane ride away - DH is a doctor, he helps with the medical aspect of things.

Time to step up, OP.[/quote]

Great advice. [/quote]

It’s great advice if you have money. The OP stated his parents do not. That’s an incredibly expensive solution. [/quote]

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