Support Group for middle aged husbands not having sex

[Anonymous]

Men: sigh. I’m in an unfixable sexless marriage.

Women: here’s what we want!

Men: nah. Sigh. Poor me. I’m in an unfixable situation

Why isn't it:

Men: I would like to fix our sexless marriage.

Women: Here is what I am willing to do to make that happen instead of: Here is what I want.

She should share what she wants and be ready to work on getting her husband what he wants as well. Anyone who thinks the power dynamic is solely "Give me what I want and you may get what you want" is headed for divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Men: sigh. I’m in an unfixable sexless marriage.

Women: here’s what we want!

Men: nah. Sigh. Poor me. I’m in an unfixable situation

Why isn't it:

Men: I would like to fix our sexless marriage.

Women: Here is what I am willing to do to make that happen instead of: Here is what I want.

She should share what she wants and be ready to work on getting her husband what he wants as well. Anyone who thinks the power dynamic is solely "Give me what I want and you may get what you want" is headed for divorce.

Sure, but what I think a lot of people here are trying to illustrate is as follows:

Man: I would like to fix our sexless marriage.

Woman: I agree! One of the big barriers I have to intimacy is that I find it difficult to get turned on when I am tired or stressed.

PP: YOU ARE ANXIOUS AND LAZY

PP: I AM NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING I CONSIDER EXTRA JUST SO YOU CAN ENJOY SEX!


Those are such toxic messages to a marriage year on year. Honestly it would make me view my husband so differently if he considered my physical needs “laziness”. If your hypothetical man says he wants to fix the marriage, does he really want to fix it? Or just have his wife do what he wants?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men: sigh. I’m in an unfixable sexless marriage.

Women: here’s what we want!

Men: nah. Sigh. Poor me. I’m in an unfixable situation

It probably seems that way, but remember sex drive is so individual so what would work for you wouldn't work for my wife. I know because I tried. But some of the advice is well-intended, and appreciated.

If you really tried creating the space for your wife to feel enthusiastic for sex and it wasn’t successful you have my deep sympathy. It is true that sex drive is idiosyncratic. My advice is based on myself, and also things other women have told me (fatigue and stress being libido killers for women in a way they aren’t for men) but I do know nothing is universal.

[Anonymous]

I am wife in a sexless marriage. Everyone wants something from me all day. The kids are constantly needing something, work is demanding. I never get enough time to recharge.

It’s great that DH helps out, does the dishes, takes the kids to school etc. it’s a nice short break. But what I really need is a week away by myself and then for DH to join me for week 2. Sex needs to be fun. It can’t be just one more person asking me to do something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one ever likes this advice but here it is. The difference in male and female drive, in my experience, is that when I am tired, or stressed I can’t get turned on. My husband has No Problem getting turned on if he’s tired or stressed. But since he’s not a garbage human, he doesn’t want to have sex with someone who isn’t into it. If we’re on vacation and I have no responsibilities, am well rested and relaxed, it’s easy to do 2x day. At home juggling schedule, work, house, etc it’s hard to get 2x month.

So since we’re in this together and not “demanding” that our spouse “owes” us, we see my getting more rest and relaxation as an investment for both of us in a better sex life. If the house is clean and I slept late while my husband took the baby to her swim lessons and gave her breakfast HECK YES there will be sex at nap time. If it’s such a big deal people want to divorce over it, stepping up to help your partner seems less work and hassle.

If that extra work your husband has to do is just evening out the work load, then sure. If you are using sex to sleep in while he does extra work, then, well, I feel sorry for your husband.

Let’s break this down. Say before a couple was doing exactly 50/50. DW and DH are both tired and stressed come the weekend. DH wants sex, DW can’t get turned on while tired. So DH does more work, call it 55/45, so DW can rest and they can *both* have enjoyable sex. You would consider that this DH is a victim? What’s your solution? DH has sex with a DW who is too tired and stressed to enjoy it? They just don’t have sex at all? Both of those options sound gross to me.

I don't know what the solution is. It is not my problem. But it is a lame as hell thing for the wife to do. I guess though if you marry someone who is too lazy and anxious to be able to handle normal life responsibilities and maintain a sex drive, it is the guy's fault.

You need to start your own thread about things you WON’T do for sex

This supports the hypothesis that these men are terrible in bed. I cannot think of a less attractive sentiment than “I want to have sex but I won’t do anything to help make sure you enjoy it”

Huh? I said it is not my problem, as in, my wife is really into sex and we have a great sex life. I don't think my wife "owes" me anything. (But maybe that's how the PP looks at relationships.) I just think it is lame that the PP here thinks it is reasonable to have her husband do more than his fair share in exchange for a (what I can only imagine is equally lame) sex life. Just glad it is not my problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am wife in a sexless marriage. Everyone wants something from me all day. The kids are constantly needing something, work is demanding. I never get enough time to recharge.

It’s great that DH helps out, does the dishes, takes the kids to school etc. it’s a nice short break. But what I really need is a week away by myself and then for DH to join me for week 2. Sex needs to be fun. It can’t be just one more person asking me to do something.

So you need a two week vacation in order to have sex? Lol. Ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am wife in a sexless marriage. Everyone wants something from me all day. The kids are constantly needing something, work is demanding. I never get enough time to recharge.

It’s great that DH helps out, does the dishes, takes the kids to school etc. it’s a nice short break. But what I really need is a week away by myself and then for DH to join me for week 2. Sex needs to be fun. It can’t be just one more person asking me to do something.

So you need a two week vacation in order to have sex? Lol. Ok.

I’m going to assume you’re a man. And this is why my needs are not getting met. You are trivializing my needs while still expecting me to me yours. Can you even relate to the idea that one more person crawling all over you is just too much? Or are you thinking hell no, I’d love for my wife to crawl over me in the evening?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am wife in a sexless marriage. Everyone wants something from me all day. The kids are constantly needing something, work is demanding. I never get enough time to recharge.

It’s great that DH helps out, does the dishes, takes the kids to school etc. it’s a nice short break. But what I really need is a week away by myself and then for DH to join me for week 2. Sex needs to be fun. It can’t be just one more person asking me to do something.

So you need a two week vacation in order to have sex? Lol. Ok.

I’m going to assume you’re a man. And this is why my needs are not getting met. You are trivializing my needs while still expecting me to me yours. Can you even relate to the idea that one more person crawling all over you is just too much? Or are you thinking hell no, I’d love for my wife to crawl over me in the evening?

Of course I can relate. Most adults can. And I believe you feel that way. I am just laughing at how ridiculous it is to need a two week vacation to have any interest in sex. I hope you get that vacation though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am wife in a sexless marriage. Everyone wants something from me all day. The kids are constantly needing something, work is demanding. I never get enough time to recharge.

It’s great that DH helps out, does the dishes, takes the kids to school etc. it’s a nice short break. But what I really need is a week away by myself and then for DH to join me for week 2. Sex needs to be fun. It can’t be just one more person asking me to do something.

Have you told your DH this? I feel like a DH who only “helps out” is part of the problem, but could you say as you have here that you really need some time on your own? I’m an introvert married to an extrovert and children really REALLY tax introverts, my husband is very sensitive to that since I needed recharge time even before marriage, and if I needed a full week I think he’d make it happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one ever likes this advice but here it is. The difference in male and female drive, in my experience, is that when I am tired, or stressed I can’t get turned on. My husband has No Problem getting turned on if he’s tired or stressed. But since he’s not a garbage human, he doesn’t want to have sex with someone who isn’t into it. If we’re on vacation and I have no responsibilities, am well rested and relaxed, it’s easy to do 2x day. At home juggling schedule, work, house, etc it’s hard to get 2x month.

So since we’re in this together and not “demanding” that our spouse “owes” us, we see my getting more rest and relaxation as an investment for both of us in a better sex life. If the house is clean and I slept late while my husband took the baby to her swim lessons and gave her breakfast HECK YES there will be sex at nap time. If it’s such a big deal people want to divorce over it, stepping up to help your partner seems less work and hassle.

If that extra work your husband has to do is just evening out the work load, then sure. If you are using sex to sleep in while he does extra work, then, well, I feel sorry for your husband.

Let’s break this down. Say before a couple was doing exactly 50/50. DW and DH are both tired and stressed come the weekend. DH wants sex, DW can’t get turned on while tired. So DH does more work, call it 55/45, so DW can rest and they can *both* have enjoyable sex. You would consider that this DH is a victim? What’s your solution? DH has sex with a DW who is too tired and stressed to enjoy it? They just don’t have sex at all? Both of those options sound gross to me.

I don't know what the solution is. It is not my problem. But it is a lame as hell thing for the wife to do. I guess though if you marry someone who is too lazy and anxious to be able to handle normal life responsibilities and maintain a sex drive, it is the guy's fault.

You need to start your own thread about things you WON’T do for sex

This supports the hypothesis that these men are terrible in bed. I cannot think of a less attractive sentiment than “I want to have sex but I won’t do anything to help make sure you enjoy it”

Huh? I said it is not my problem, as in, my wife is really into sex and we have a great sex life. I don't think my wife "owes" me anything. (But maybe that's how the PP looks at relationships.) I just think it is lame that the PP here thinks it is reasonable to have her husband do more than his fair share in exchange for a (what I can only imagine is equally lame) sex life. Just glad it is not my problem.

I’m that PP. Happily, my husband doesn’t think my physical needs are “lame” and thinks meeting them is part of a healthy sex life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one ever likes this advice but here it is. The difference in male and female drive, in my experience, is that when I am tired, or stressed I can’t get turned on. My husband has No Problem getting turned on if he’s tired or stressed. But since he’s not a garbage human, he doesn’t want to have sex with someone who isn’t into it. If we’re on vacation and I have no responsibilities, am well rested and relaxed, it’s easy to do 2x day. At home juggling schedule, work, house, etc it’s hard to get 2x month.

So since we’re in this together and not “demanding” that our spouse “owes” us, we see my getting more rest and relaxation as an investment for both of us in a better sex life. If the house is clean and I slept late while my husband took the baby to her swim lessons and gave her breakfast HECK YES there will be sex at nap time. If it’s such a big deal people want to divorce over it, stepping up to help your partner seems less work and hassle.

If that extra work your husband has to do is just evening out the work load, then sure. If you are using sex to sleep in while he does extra work, then, well, I feel sorry for your husband.

Let’s break this down. Say before a couple was doing exactly 50/50. DW and DH are both tired and stressed come the weekend. DH wants sex, DW can’t get turned on while tired. So DH does more work, call it 55/45, so DW can rest and they can *both* have enjoyable sex. You would consider that this DH is a victim? What’s your solution? DH has sex with a DW who is too tired and stressed to enjoy it? They just don’t have sex at all? Both of those options sound gross to me.

I don't know what the solution is. It is not my problem. But it is a lame as hell thing for the wife to do. I guess though if you marry someone who is too lazy and anxious to be able to handle normal life responsibilities and maintain a sex drive, it is the guy's fault.

You need to start your own thread about things you WON’T do for sex

This supports the hypothesis that these men are terrible in bed. I cannot think of a less attractive sentiment than “I want to have sex but I won’t do anything to help make sure you enjoy it”

Huh? I said it is not my problem, as in, my wife is really into sex and we have a great sex life. I don't think my wife "owes" me anything. (But maybe that's how the PP looks at relationships.) I just think it is lame that the PP here thinks it is reasonable to have her husband do more than his fair share in exchange for a (what I can only imagine is equally lame) sex life. Just glad it is not my problem.

And yet you’re spending a lot of time on this thread?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one ever likes this advice but here it is. The difference in male and female drive, in my experience, is that when I am tired, or stressed I can’t get turned on. My husband has No Problem getting turned on if he’s tired or stressed. But since he’s not a garbage human, he doesn’t want to have sex with someone who isn’t into it. If we’re on vacation and I have no responsibilities, am well rested and relaxed, it’s easy to do 2x day. At home juggling schedule, work, house, etc it’s hard to get 2x month.

So since we’re in this together and not “demanding” that our spouse “owes” us, we see my getting more rest and relaxation as an investment for both of us in a better sex life. If the house is clean and I slept late while my husband took the baby to her swim lessons and gave her breakfast HECK YES there will be sex at nap time. If it’s such a big deal people want to divorce over it, stepping up to help your partner seems less work and hassle.

If that extra work your husband has to do is just evening out the work load, then sure. If you are using sex to sleep in while he does extra work, then, well, I feel sorry for your husband.

Let’s break this down. Say before a couple was doing exactly 50/50. DW and DH are both tired and stressed come the weekend. DH wants sex, DW can’t get turned on while tired. So DH does more work, call it 55/45, so DW can rest and they can *both* have enjoyable sex. You would consider that this DH is a victim? What’s your solution? DH has sex with a DW who is too tired and stressed to enjoy it? They just don’t have sex at all? Both of those options sound gross to me.

I don't know what the solution is. It is not my problem. But it is a lame as hell thing for the wife to do. I guess though if you marry someone who is too lazy and anxious to be able to handle normal life responsibilities and maintain a sex drive, it is the guy's fault.

You need to start your own thread about things you WON’T do for sex

This supports the hypothesis that these men are terrible in bed. I cannot think of a less attractive sentiment than “I want to have sex but I won’t do anything to help make sure you enjoy it”

This seems to be the standard for women.

[Anonymous]

World's tiniest violin playing right now...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one ever likes this advice but here it is. The difference in male and female drive, in my experience, is that when I am tired, or stressed I can’t get turned on. My husband has No Problem getting turned on if he’s tired or stressed. But since he’s not a garbage human, he doesn’t want to have sex with someone who isn’t into it. If we’re on vacation and I have no responsibilities, am well rested and relaxed, it’s easy to do 2x day. At home juggling schedule, work, house, etc it’s hard to get 2x month.

So since we’re in this together and not “demanding” that our spouse “owes” us, we see my getting more rest and relaxation as an investment for both of us in a better sex life. If the house is clean and I slept late while my husband took the baby to her swim lessons and gave her breakfast HECK YES there will be sex at nap time. If it’s such a big deal people want to divorce over it, stepping up to help your partner seems less work and hassle.

If that extra work your husband has to do is just evening out the work load, then sure. If you are using sex to sleep in while he does extra work, then, well, I feel sorry for your husband.

Let’s break this down. Say before a couple was doing exactly 50/50. DW and DH are both tired and stressed come the weekend. DH wants sex, DW can’t get turned on while tired. So DH does more work, call it 55/45, so DW can rest and they can *both* have enjoyable sex. You would consider that this DH is a victim? What’s your solution? DH has sex with a DW who is too tired and stressed to enjoy it? They just don’t have sex at all? Both of those options sound gross to me.

I don't know what the solution is. It is not my problem. But it is a lame as hell thing for the wife to do. I guess though if you marry someone who is too lazy and anxious to be able to handle normal life responsibilities and maintain a sex drive, it is the guy's fault.

You need to start your own thread about things you WON’T do for sex

This supports the hypothesis that these men are terrible in bed. I cannot think of a less attractive sentiment than “I want to have sex but I won’t do anything to help make sure you enjoy it”

Yep, and throwing a tantrum afterward. Amazing how unattractive these LVM are

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one ever likes this advice but here it is. The difference in male and female drive, in my experience, is that when I am tired, or stressed I can’t get turned on. My husband has No Problem getting turned on if he’s tired or stressed. But since he’s not a garbage human, he doesn’t want to have sex with someone who isn’t into it. If we’re on vacation and I have no responsibilities, am well rested and relaxed, it’s easy to do 2x day. At home juggling schedule, work, house, etc it’s hard to get 2x month.

So since we’re in this together and not “demanding” that our spouse “owes” us, we see my getting more rest and relaxation as an investment for both of us in a better sex life. If the house is clean and I slept late while my husband took the baby to her swim lessons and gave her breakfast HECK YES there will be sex at nap time. If it’s such a big deal people want to divorce over it, stepping up to help your partner seems less work and hassle.

If that extra work your husband has to do is just evening out the work load, then sure. If you are using sex to sleep in while he does extra work, then, well, I feel sorry for your husband.

Let’s break this down. Say before a couple was doing exactly 50/50. DW and DH are both tired and stressed come the weekend. DH wants sex, DW can’t get turned on while tired. So DH does more work, call it 55/45, so DW can rest and they can *both* have enjoyable sex. You would consider that this DH is a victim? What’s your solution? DH has sex with a DW who is too tired and stressed to enjoy it? They just don’t have sex at all? Both of those options sound gross to me.

I don't know what the solution is. It is not my problem. But it is a lame as hell thing for the wife to do. I guess though if you marry someone who is too lazy and anxious to be able to handle normal life responsibilities and maintain a sex drive, it is the guy's fault.

Define "normal life responsibilities".