Support Group for middle aged husbands not having sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok guys. Here’s our group. How are you handling this? What has worked; what hasn’t? How will we go on in this situation? Let’s discuss.

So moral judgments aside:

My situation - 15 years married, 2 kids in middle school, have gone from sex 1-2 a month to once a season lately at best (and 0 for winter).

What works - completely giving up on your spouse as a sexual partner. Sounds counter-intuitive but its true. The sexual frustration and cycle of initiation and rejection is what is toxic. I take care of myself at least daily so I have nothing in the tank for her.

Also, exercise, dressing well. Going out more, ignoring the depressing nights of just sitting beside her on the couch while she surfs facebook or watches reality tv. Flirting, paying genuine compliments to women.

What doesn't work - scheduling sex, buying her toys, lingerie, vacations, hotels, inviting her to explore fantasies.

Can being in a sexless marriage work long term? For her, yes. For me, no. Short term, it's actually better to accept it than to try and fix an unfixable situation.

This is why you’re sexless. Women know when you’re giving your attention to other women. You’ve got nothing left in the tank for her not only physically but also emotionally.

Flirting with other women would be a deal breaker. He outed himself, yuck.

+1 it’s not unfixable bro, you’re basically just doing what you want! You’re not trying. Unless she actually asked for a hotel to explore her fantasies. Flirting with other women, though - gross! That’s not fixable. You’re wife is probably planning right now how to leave you

[Anonymous]

If my DH had flirted with other women when we were in a dryspell, the drought would be longer. That doesn't help at all. I would not find him more desirable, at all. I would be disgusted with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok guys. Here’s our group. How are you handling this? What has worked; what hasn’t? How will we go on in this situation? Let’s discuss.

So moral judgments aside:

My situation - 15 years married, 2 kids in middle school, have gone from sex 1-2 a month to once a season lately at best (and 0 for winter).

What works - completely giving up on your spouse as a sexual partner. Sounds counter-intuitive but its true. The sexual frustration and cycle of initiation and rejection is what is toxic. I take care of myself at least daily so I have nothing in the tank for her.

Also, exercise, dressing well. Going out more, ignoring the depressing nights of just sitting beside her on the couch while she surfs facebook or watches reality tv. Flirting, paying genuine compliments to women.

What doesn't work - scheduling sex, buying her toys, lingerie, vacations, hotels, inviting her to explore fantasies.

Can being in a sexless marriage work long term? For her, yes. For me, no. Short term, it's actually better to accept it than to try and fix an unfixable situation.

This is why you’re sexless. Women know when you’re giving your attention to other women. You’ve got nothing left in the tank for her not only physically but also emotionally.

Flirting with other women would be a deal breaker. He outed himself, yuck.

+1 it’s not unfixable bro, you’re basically just doing what you want! You’re not trying. Unless she actually asked for a hotel to explore her fantasies. Flirting with other women, though - gross! That’s not fixable. You’re wife is probably planning right now how to leave you

I get the impression the fantasies he wanted to invite her to explore were his...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one ever likes this advice but here it is. The difference in male and female drive, in my experience, is that when I am tired, or stressed I can’t get turned on. My husband has No Problem getting turned on if he’s tired or stressed. But since he’s not a garbage human, he doesn’t want to have sex with someone who isn’t into it. If we’re on vacation and I have no responsibilities, am well rested and relaxed, it’s easy to do 2x day. At home juggling schedule, work, house, etc it’s hard to get 2x month.

So since we’re in this together and not “demanding” that our spouse “owes” us, we see my getting more rest and relaxation as an investment for both of us in a better sex life. If the house is clean and I slept late while my husband took the baby to her swim lessons and gave her breakfast HECK YES there will be sex at nap time. If it’s such a big deal people want to divorce over it, stepping up to help your partner seems less work and hassle.

If that extra work your husband has to do is just evening out the work load, then sure. If you are using sex to sleep in while he does extra work, then, well, I feel sorry for your husband.

Let’s break this down. Say before a couple was doing exactly 50/50. DW and DH are both tired and stressed come the weekend. DH wants sex, DW can’t get turned on while tired. So DH does more work, call it 55/45, so DW can rest and they can *both* have enjoyable sex. You would consider that this DH is a victim? What’s your solution? DH has sex with a DW who is too tired and stressed to enjoy it? They just don’t have sex at all? Both of those options sound gross to me.

I don't know what the solution is. It is not my problem. But it is a lame as hell thing for the wife to do. I guess though if you marry someone who is too lazy and anxious to be able to handle normal life responsibilities and maintain a sex drive, it is the guy's fault.

[Anonymous]

Previous marriage- 9 years without sex. I never cheated, although I had plenty of chances, and frankly, I wish I had. Youngest reached 18, I divorced her, remarried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one ever likes this advice but here it is. The difference in male and female drive, in my experience, is that when I am tired, or stressed I can’t get turned on. My husband has No Problem getting turned on if he’s tired or stressed. But since he’s not a garbage human, he doesn’t want to have sex with someone who isn’t into it. If we’re on vacation and I have no responsibilities, am well rested and relaxed, it’s easy to do 2x day. At home juggling schedule, work, house, etc it’s hard to get 2x month.

So since we’re in this together and not “demanding” that our spouse “owes” us, we see my getting more rest and relaxation as an investment for both of us in a better sex life. If the house is clean and I slept late while my husband took the baby to her swim lessons and gave her breakfast HECK YES there will be sex at nap time. If it’s such a big deal people want to divorce over it, stepping up to help your partner seems less work and hassle.

If that extra work your husband has to do is just evening out the work load, then sure. If you are using sex to sleep in while he does extra work, then, well, I feel sorry for your husband.

Let’s break this down. Say before a couple was doing exactly 50/50. DW and DH are both tired and stressed come the weekend. DH wants sex, DW can’t get turned on while tired. So DH does more work, call it 55/45, so DW can rest and they can *both* have enjoyable sex. You would consider that this DH is a victim? What’s your solution? DH has sex with a DW who is too tired and stressed to enjoy it? They just don’t have sex at all? Both of those options sound gross to me.

I don't know what the solution is. It is not my problem. But it is a lame as hell thing for the wife to do. I guess though if you marry someone who is too lazy and anxious to be able to handle normal life responsibilities and maintain a sex drive, it is the guy's fault.

It is all his fault! And he gets to have sex 2x/week while other men post about their years of celibacy! That’ll show him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one ever likes this advice but here it is. The difference in male and female drive, in my experience, is that when I am tired, or stressed I can’t get turned on. My husband has No Problem getting turned on if he’s tired or stressed. But since he’s not a garbage human, he doesn’t want to have sex with someone who isn’t into it. If we’re on vacation and I have no responsibilities, am well rested and relaxed, it’s easy to do 2x day. At home juggling schedule, work, house, etc it’s hard to get 2x month.

So since we’re in this together and not “demanding” that our spouse “owes” us, we see my getting more rest and relaxation as an investment for both of us in a better sex life. If the house is clean and I slept late while my husband took the baby to her swim lessons and gave her breakfast HECK YES there will be sex at nap time. If it’s such a big deal people want to divorce over it, stepping up to help your partner seems less work and hassle.

If that extra work your husband has to do is just evening out the work load, then sure. If you are using sex to sleep in while he does extra work, then, well, I feel sorry for your husband.

Let’s break this down. Say before a couple was doing exactly 50/50. DW and DH are both tired and stressed come the weekend. DH wants sex, DW can’t get turned on while tired. So DH does more work, call it 55/45, so DW can rest and they can *both* have enjoyable sex. You would consider that this DH is a victim? What’s your solution? DH has sex with a DW who is too tired and stressed to enjoy it? They just don’t have sex at all? Both of those options sound gross to me.

I don't know what the solution is. It is not my problem. But it is a lame as hell thing for the wife to do. I guess though if you marry someone who is too lazy and anxious to be able to handle normal life responsibilities and maintain a sex drive, it is the guy's fault.

You need to start your own thread about things you WON’T do for sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one ever likes this advice but here it is. The difference in male and female drive, in my experience, is that when I am tired, or stressed I can’t get turned on. My husband has No Problem getting turned on if he’s tired or stressed. But since he’s not a garbage human, he doesn’t want to have sex with someone who isn’t into it. If we’re on vacation and I have no responsibilities, am well rested and relaxed, it’s easy to do 2x day. At home juggling schedule, work, house, etc it’s hard to get 2x month.

So since we’re in this together and not “demanding” that our spouse “owes” us, we see my getting more rest and relaxation as an investment for both of us in a better sex life. If the house is clean and I slept late while my husband took the baby to her swim lessons and gave her breakfast HECK YES there will be sex at nap time. If it’s such a big deal people want to divorce over it, stepping up to help your partner seems less work and hassle.

If that extra work your husband has to do is just evening out the work load, then sure. If you are using sex to sleep in while he does extra work, then, well, I feel sorry for your husband.

Let’s break this down. Say before a couple was doing exactly 50/50. DW and DH are both tired and stressed come the weekend. DH wants sex, DW can’t get turned on while tired. So DH does more work, call it 55/45, so DW can rest and they can *both* have enjoyable sex. You would consider that this DH is a victim? What’s your solution? DH has sex with a DW who is too tired and stressed to enjoy it? They just don’t have sex at all? Both of those options sound gross to me.

I don't know what the solution is. It is not my problem. But it is a lame as hell thing for the wife to do. I guess though if you marry someone who is too lazy and anxious to be able to handle normal life responsibilities and maintain a sex drive, it is the guy's fault.

You need to start your own thread about things you WON’T do for sex

This supports the hypothesis that these men are terrible in bed. I cannot think of a less attractive sentiment than “I want to have sex but I won’t do anything to help make sure you enjoy it”

[Anonymous]

Why are so many women posting on this thread?

[Anonymous]

Men: sigh. I’m in an unfixable sexless marriage.

Women: here’s what we want!

Men: nah. Sigh. Poor me. I’m in an unfixable situation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are so many women posting on this thread?

To help the men who are in sexless marriages who might like ideas for how they could not spend nine years celibate like the poster above? I mean if you prefer to just whine about it that’s fine too...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are so many women posting on this thread?

To help the men who are in sexless marriages who might like ideas for how they could not spend nine years celibate like the poster above? I mean if you prefer to just whine about it that’s fine too...

to get the men to understand it's probably most of their fault to begin with. and they are demonstrating it here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are so many women posting on this thread?

To help the men who are in sexless marriages who might like ideas for how they could not spend nine years celibate like the poster above? I mean if you prefer to just whine about it that’s fine too...

to get the men to understand it's probably most of their fault to begin with. and they are demonstrating it here.

I think the men don’t see it as their responsibility to work on the relationship or understand the women’s perspective. They want sex and if they’re not getting it they are done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are so many women posting on this thread?

To help the men who are in sexless marriages who might like ideas for how they could not spend nine years celibate like the poster above? I mean if you prefer to just whine about it that’s fine too...

to get the men to understand it's probably most of their fault to begin with. and they are demonstrating it here.

I think the men don’t see it as their responsibility to work on the relationship or understand the women’s perspective. They want sex and if they’re not getting it they are done.

I am one of the men although I don't think I am one of the more obnoxious ones. My resigned view is sort of this:

Its takes more and more effort as the marriage goes on to get some glimmer of sexual intimacy and even what I get is usually out of sympathy than genuine desire.

I have friends who are jackasses, less devoted and physically worse shape but they have good sex lives because their wives genuinely love sex for sex sake.

The answer is just that sometimes life isn't fair and you end up marrying someone who changes in marriage and there isn't a whole lot you can do. I am sure there are plenty of amazing women who thought they chose a great life partner who one day decided they would stop working, get obese, start gambling, start drinking heavy, etc, and there really isn't much you can do about it other than resign yourself or divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men: sigh. I’m in an unfixable sexless marriage.

Women: here’s what we want!

Men: nah. Sigh. Poor me. I’m in an unfixable situation

It probably seems that way, but remember sex drive is so individual so what would work for you wouldn't work for my wife. I know because I tried. But some of the advice is well-intended, and appreciated.