When the Other Woman meets your kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope, shes 40. Really nothing special.

You need to accept that to him there obviously is something special. It might make you feel better to tear her down, but if she’s 40, nothing special and ugly, and he picked her over you... why? You don’t have to like her but highlighting all her flaws doesn’t make you look better in comparison. It does the opposite actually.

Stop the “something special” BS. She was willing and available. It’s rarely no more than that for an AP.

He was not picking the mother of his children.

There are much different criteria for bring a side piece vs a wife.

He left though. We aren’t talking about just an affair ... he’s still with her. He picked her. So OP pointing out she’s plain and 40 is irrelevant. He chose her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope, shes 40. Really nothing special.

My wife is far more polished and attractive than my AP. I believe this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope, shes 40. Really nothing special.

My wife is far more polished and attractive than my AP. I believe this.

If my husband has an affair or leaves me for another woman why would I possibly care if he thought I was more polished?

[Anonymous]

You need to accept that to him there obviously is something special. It might make you feel better to tear her down, but if she’s 40, nothing special and ugly, and he picked her over you... why? You don’t have to like her but highlighting all her flaws doesn’t make you look better in comparison. It does the opposite actually.

This really is not very nice. Have some compassion. OP already said she suspects what her husband likes is how the OW makes him feel, which is true in so many affairs. For the person having the affair, the AP could be anyone, as long as they give ego kibbles to the cheating spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope, shes 40. Really nothing special.

You need to accept that to him there obviously is something special. It might make you feel better to tear her down, but if she’s 40, nothing special and ugly, and he picked her over you... why? You don’t have to like her but highlighting all her flaws doesn’t make you look better in comparison. It does the opposite actually.

Stop the “something special” BS. She was willing and available. It’s rarely no more than that for an AP.

He was not picking the mother of his children.

There are much different criteria for bring a side piece vs a wife.

He left though. We aren’t talking about just an affair ... he’s still with her. He picked her. So OP pointing out she’s plain and 40 is irrelevant. He chose her.

Why are you assuming he had a choice? Did OP say she wanted him back after the affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wouldn't call her hot, unless frumpy mousey women with bad teeth, gummy smiles who dress like retired librarians are your thing... (sorry. Just give me this bit of pettiness).

Men always affair down.

I mean, whatever makes you feel better about it, but the fact remains that she was filling a void in his romantic life that OP wasn’t. Maybe it was sex. Maybe it was support and encouragement. Maybe it was simply being kind and not keeping score in a relationship. We don’t know. But being hot isn’t a requirement.

She's a secretary with 3 kids that needs another income. OP's husband was a easy target, she used sex and lies to achieve her goal.

How long she can keep up the facade is unknown. Wait till the three kids move in with them....lol

I'm betting OP is going to have the last laugh, I can tell it's one of those situations. Her Ex will wish he had kept it in his pants, his family in tact with peace and quiet.

It’s interesting that you frame what happened as the secretary targeted the boss for his income. I see something quite opposite as likely - the boss targeted his secretary for sex. Which is a pretty gross abuse of power.

IMO, OP is pretty lucky to have this happen - it’s allowed her to escape a guy who abuses his power in a way that can destroy finaces and family. she’s lucky it only destroyed a family. Can you imagine if the secretary had reported the sex as harrassment and DH had gotten fired? He’d be unemployable. Not to mention potentially liable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You need to accept that to him there obviously is something special. It might make you feel better to tear her down, but if she’s 40, nothing special and ugly, and he picked her over you... why? You don’t have to like her but highlighting all her flaws doesn’t make you look better in comparison. It does the opposite actually.

This really is not very nice. Have some compassion. OP already said she suspects what her husband likes is how the OW makes him feel, which is true in so many affairs. For the person having the affair, the AP could be anyone, as long as they give ego kibbles to the cheating spouse.

I’m not saying it to be mean but to remind her when she denigrates the other woman’s appearances, personality, age, etc. it *does not* elevate her. She can be mad at her ex and think he’s a dog but pointing out how low down and plain and blah and old the woman your husband left you for is a self defeating practice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wouldn't call her hot, unless frumpy mousey women with bad teeth, gummy smiles who dress like retired librarians are your thing... (sorry. Just give me this bit of pettiness).

Men always affair down.

I mean, whatever makes you feel better about it, but the fact remains that she was filling a void in his romantic life that OP wasn’t. Maybe it was sex. Maybe it was support and encouragement. Maybe it was simply being kind and not keeping score in a relationship. We don’t know. But being hot isn’t a requirement.

She's a secretary with 3 kids that needs another income. OP's husband was a easy target, she used sex and lies to achieve her goal.

How long she can keep up the facade is unknown. Wait till the three kids move in with them....lol

I'm betting OP is going to have the last laugh, I can tell it's one of those situations. Her Ex will wish he had kept it in his pants, his family in tact with peace and quiet.

It’s interesting that you frame what happened as the secretary targeted the boss for his income. I see something quite opposite as likely - the boss targeted his secretary for sex. Which is a pretty gross abuse of power.

IMO, OP is pretty lucky to have this happen - it’s allowed her to escape a guy who abuses his power in a way that can destroy finaces and family. she’s lucky it only destroyed a family. Can you imagine if the secretary had reported the sex as harrassment and DH had gotten fired? He’d be unemployable. Not to mention potentially liable.

We don't know who made the first move. I do believe she's thinking more about her future than love for this guy. It's fairly common, he thinks he found his soul mate. I would rather DH got fired, and gotten his just desserts, a total creep who did OP a favor. Like I said this scenario is going to blow up in her ex DHs face.

Wait until all the kids start conversing back and fourth how these two met. This isn't going to be the Brady Bunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope, shes 40. Really nothing special.

OP how long were they having the affair when you found out?

How did you find out?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm not entirely certain when things began. Her ex husband and I tried to piece it together at one point after everything was exposed, but there seemed to be no end to the lies. If you haven't gone through something like this, you can't fully appreciate how disorienting it is - realizing that you can't event trust your own memories. I remember seeing a facebook memory pop up several months after I kicked him out, a photo of a giant bouquet of my favorite flowers he had sent to me while he was on an out of town trip months earlier. At the time, I thought it was a thoughtful gesture from the love of my life. Now, I know he was screwing her brains out - she accompanied him on almost all his business trips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm not entirely certain when things began. Her ex husband and I tried to piece it together at one point after everything was exposed, but there seemed to be no end to the lies. If you haven't gone through something like this, you can't fully appreciate how disorienting it is - realizing that you can't event trust your own memories. I remember seeing a facebook memory pop up several months after I kicked him out, a photo of a giant bouquet of my favorite flowers he had sent to me while he was on an out of town trip months earlier. At the time, I thought it was a thoughtful gesture from the love of my life. Now, I know he was screwing her brains out - she accompanied him on almost all his business trips.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm not entirely certain when things began. Her ex husband and I tried to piece it together at one point after everything was exposed, but there seemed to be no end to the lies. If you haven't gone through something like this, you can't fully appreciate how disorienting it is - realizing that you can't event trust your own memories. I remember seeing a facebook memory pop up several months after I kicked him out, a photo of a giant bouquet of my favorite flowers he had sent to me while he was on an out of town trip months earlier. At the time, I thought it was a thoughtful gesture from the love of my life. Now, I know he was screwing her brains out - she accompanied him on almost all his business trips.

+1000

This kind of deep lying is gaslighting and it’s a form of emotional abuse. It makes you doubt your interretarion of everything that happened in your life together, and it can carry over into doubting other relationships and perceptions in life.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm not entirely certain when things began. Her ex husband and I tried to piece it together at one point after everything was exposed, but there seemed to be no end to the lies. If you haven't gone through something like this, you can't fully appreciate how disorienting it is - realizing that you can't event trust your own memories. I remember seeing a facebook memory pop up several months after I kicked him out, a photo of a giant bouquet of my favorite flowers he had sent to me while he was on an out of town trip months earlier. At the time, I thought it was a thoughtful gesture from the love of my life. Now, I know he was screwing her brains out - she accompanied him on almost all his business trips.




+1000

This kind of deep lying is gaslighting and it’s a form of emotional abuse. It makes you doubt your interretarion of everything that happened in your life together, and it can carry over into doubting other relationships and perceptions in life.

OP again. Yes. This is by far the most insidious, cruel part of what he did to me. It was literally maddening - as in, there were times I felt my head splitting in half as I tried to reconcile over and over again what I thought was real vs what I had learned was actually happening. He'd promise me that was everything, there were no more secrets, and then months later, boom - another one. And I'd have to once again reset the timeline of Before and After, reinterpret everything. You literally feel like the ground is not solid under your feet. And it keeps happening, even long after you have mentally accepted the end of the relationship.

For example, 6 or 7 months after we separated, I was out shopping. There was a sale on my favorite brand of makeup at a department store, and when I was picking out some items the saleswoman pointed out their new style of lip liners. I don't wear lip liner, never have. But in that moment, when I was treating myself and trying to feel a little bit pretty and cheery, it was like time stood still for a moment. I remembered dropping my cell phone on the floor in my husband's car, and when I picked it up I found a lip liner wedged up under the passenger's seat. I remember staring at it in my hand, not understanding what it was, why it was there, it was so out of context. He explained it away as having probably fallen out of a purse of one of the slugs that he drove to work regularly.

I'll never know if it was innocent or if it was her's. I do know it was a punch in the gut, many months after the fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. I'm not entirely certain when things began. Her ex husband and I tried to piece it together at one point after everything was exposed, but there seemed to be no end to the lies. If you haven't gone through something like this, you can't fully appreciate how disorienting it is - realizing that you can't event trust your own memories. I remember seeing a facebook memory pop up several months after I kicked him out, a photo of a giant bouquet of my favorite flowers he had sent to me while he was on an out of town trip months earlier. At the time, I thought it was a thoughtful gesture from the love of my life. Now, I know he was screwing her brains out - she accompanied him on almost all his business trips.




+1000

This kind of deep lying is gaslighting and it’s a form of emotional abuse. It makes you doubt your interretarion of everything that happened in your life together, and it can carry over into doubting other relationships and perceptions in life.

OP again. Yes. This is by far the most insidious, cruel part of what he did to me. It was literally maddening - as in, there were times I felt my head splitting in half as I tried to reconcile over and over again what I thought was real vs what I had learned was actually happening. He'd promise me that was everything, there were no more secrets, and then months later, boom - another one. And I'd have to once again reset the timeline of Before and After, reinterpret everything. You literally feel like the ground is not solid under your feet. And it keeps happening, even long after you have mentally accepted the end of the relationship.

For example, 6 or 7 months after we separated, I was out shopping. There was a sale on my favorite brand of makeup at a department store, and when I was picking out some items the saleswoman pointed out their new style of lip liners. I don't wear lip liner, never have. But in that moment, when I was treating myself and trying to feel a little bit pretty and cheery, it was like time stood still for a moment. I remembered dropping my cell phone on the floor in my husband's car, and when I picked it up I found a lip liner wedged up under the passenger's seat. I remember staring at it in my hand, not understanding what it was, why it was there, it was so out of context. He explained it away as having probably fallen out of a purse of one of the slugs that he drove to work regularly.

I'll never know if it was innocent or if it was her's. I do know it was a punch in the gut, many months after the fact.

She put it there hoping you would find it. Tired of playing second fiddle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. I'm not entirely certain when things began. Her ex husband and I tried to piece it together at one point after everything was exposed, but there seemed to be no end to the lies. If you haven't gone through something like this, you can't fully appreciate how disorienting it is - realizing that you can't event trust your own memories. I remember seeing a facebook memory pop up several months after I kicked him out, a photo of a giant bouquet of my favorite flowers he had sent to me while he was on an out of town trip months earlier. At the time, I thought it was a thoughtful gesture from the love of my life. Now, I know he was screwing her brains out - she accompanied him on almost all his business trips.




+1000

This kind of deep lying is gaslighting and it’s a form of emotional abuse. It makes you doubt your interretarion of everything that happened in your life together, and it can carry over into doubting other relationships and perceptions in life.

OP again. Yes. This is by far the most insidious, cruel part of what he did to me. It was literally maddening - as in, there were times I felt my head splitting in half as I tried to reconcile over and over again what I thought was real vs what I had learned was actually happening. He'd promise me that was everything, there were no more secrets, and then months later, boom - another one. And I'd have to once again reset the timeline of Before and After, reinterpret everything. You literally feel like the ground is not solid under your feet. And it keeps happening, even long after you have mentally accepted the end of the relationship.

For example, 6 or 7 months after we separated, I was out shopping. There was a sale on my favorite brand of makeup at a department store, and when I was picking out some items the saleswoman pointed out their new style of lip liners. I don't wear lip liner, never have. But in that moment, when I was treating myself and trying to feel a little bit pretty and cheery, it was like time stood still for a moment. I remembered dropping my cell phone on the floor in my husband's car, and when I picked it up I found a lip liner wedged up under the passenger's seat. I remember staring at it in my hand, not understanding what it was, why it was there, it was so out of context. He explained it away as having probably fallen out of a purse of one of the slugs that he drove to work regularly.

I'll never know if it was innocent or if it was her's. I do know it was a punch in the gut, many months after the fact.

Yes, yes, yes to all of this. Once I found out my husband had been cheating, I officially ended our marriage (he ended it the day he started keeping secrets). We have to be in touch because of our kids but the gut punch is so very hard every time he sends me some idiotic email saying, "trust me, this is the best......" or "believe me, I did research ......". I only respond to the content as it relates to the kids but what I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs, "TRUST YOU? BELIEVE YOU?" What an f'ing joke. I trusted and believed you for close to 20 years. Now I see you for who you really are and I will never trust or believe you again. Never. Go sell that dream to the woman you had the affair with. I know who you really are now. I will be cordial. I will be cooperative for the kids but I will base my opinion of you on your actions and never again on your words.