Reply to "Perfect on paper husband," just not in love with him

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Reply to ""Perfect on paper husband," just not in love with him"

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[quote=Anonymous]Op it sounds to me like you feel alone because you do not have a connection with your spouse.

While you might think of it as chemistry, it may also be chalked up to not having any kind of emotional closeness to him. If he is not listening to you when you need to talk, or not willing to just have conversations about anything and nothing, then I can see why you feel this way. Its like living with a roommate. While you can get some of that from girlfriends (emotional connection) its just not the same as getting it from your spouse.

I know for me personally, my husband is not very good at this. I have to initiate practically every conversation. It makes me feel like he has zero interest in me. I know he cares, but he doesn't know how to show it through words and I NEED that.

He doesn't seem to understand that in order for me to feel attraction, interest in sex etc...that I need that emotional connection. I can't just have sex to have sex (my libido is not strong enough). I need to have meaningful conversations to feel close. He shuts me out a lot and anytime I want to talk about anything that isn't roses and sunshine, I'm ruining our dinner, or ruining that evening, or ruining that day. Its fucking exhausting. I feel like I can't talk to him about anything sometimes. If I want to discuss something that I'm concerned about with our son, he seems to just get overwhelmed, stressed out and looks like he's ready to explode. Clearly he has massive communication problems (i digress, that is about my husband not yours)

I imagine that this might be contributing to your lack of chemistry or feelings for your husband. Now, to be fair - I was initially attracted to my husband at the beginning, and these days sometimes I am, sometimes not. But it was never anything hot and heavy. I did not have that "wow" factor of attraction that I've had with some other men. I do often wonder if I blew it by not holding out for that-but I kind of thought that was a pipe dream.

Ironically, I was about the same age as you when I got married (32, almost 33). I will admit I think I was more interested in getting married and having kids than thinking this was "the one"...but I made my choice and I'm trying to make the best of it. I will say it makes me want to throw up when I read all these posts on here that say things like "still married 17 later and as in love as the first day!!! My spouse is perfect! We have amazing sex and he cooks and cleans, changes diapers,  treats me like a queen and makes over 500K!!! Really?? I don't think that scenario exists very often in real life. So you need to stop thinking that if you divorce your husband you'll suddenly find the love of your life and live happily ever after. Its more likely you just be a single mom, miserable and maybe more alone than before. Not too many men out there are looking for a 40+ woman with 2 kids.

I don't think you should throw this away. From what you've written your husband sounds like a really good man. However its not fair to him if you aren't being honest with how you feel and just ignoring him all the time. Pretty soon I would imagine he is going to look elsewhere. You say you think he would rate you marriage an 8, but have you ever really asked him? If you are ignoring him, or treating him like dirt, then sooner or later he is the one who is going to dump you...because well, he sounds like a catch.

I think you should tell your husband that you feel lonely and disconnected that you would like to try couples therapy. That seems like the only way you'll get him to open up and  listen to you, instead of just trying to solve your problems. Maybe he has some things he'd like to get off his chest too...but because he doesn't like to talk, or show emotion, he just doesn't and keeps it all inside.

Individual therapy might help a bit, but it sounds too me like there is a lack of meaningful communication between the two of you -and if that improved, then maybe you would start to feel closer to him, and get divorce out of your mind.[/quote]

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