I'm making a choice that could break my family apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who told MIL/FIL? That sounds messy. What could SIL possibly say on social media that would make anyone have sympathy for her??? She sounds like an ungrateful shrew.

SIL posted on my MILs FB that her favorite daughter in law was giving them another grandchild - "Isn't she wonderful?" For a few minutes MIL thought I was pregnant again event though her son has had a vasectomy.

Whaaaaaaaaaat??? Oh wow, SIL is definitely nuts and above all UNGRATEFUL. As Maya Angelou said, "When people show you who they are, believe them". She doesn't deserve a child and I'm glad no child has to have her for a mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm sorry, but this rates as a first world problem. This woman cannot bear children, but has a family who is willing to support her desires to the point where the will bear her children for her. Seriously folks?

Yes she has fears and inadequate a to deal with, but also the full extent of opportunity anyone could even dream of. Many infertile women would give any thing for a surrogate volunteer. This woman cannot see the blessing she had, which is her right. But she shouldn't bash OP for her kindness.

This sums it up perfectly. How ungrateful and narcissistic.

Stop with the labeling everyone narcissistic. She's not a narcissist. She's doing a very bad job dealing with her grief and infertility.

Because she's a narcissist.

She told OP that OP should only have 4 kids because having more hurt her feelings. SIL is a narcissist. "Fuck you, nieces/nephews! I wish your mother had aborted you because your existene hurst my feelings."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm sorry, but this rates as a first world problem. This woman cannot bear children, but has a family who is willing to support her desires to the point where the will bear her children for her. Seriously folks?

Yes she has fears and inadequate a to deal with, but also the full extent of opportunity anyone could even dream of. Many infertile women would give any thing for a surrogate volunteer. This woman cannot see the blessing she had, which is her right. But she shouldn't bash OP for her kindness.

This sums it up perfectly. How ungrateful and narcissistic.

Stop with the labeling everyone narcissistic. She's not a narcissist. She's doing a very bad job dealing with her grief and infertility.

Because she's a narcissist.

She told OP that OP should only have 4 kids because having more hurt her feelings. SIL is a narcissist. "Fuck you, nieces/nephews! I wish your mother had aborted you because your existene hurst my feelings."

That's a diagnosis you're not qualified to make. Most people in extreme pain behave like narcissists. That doesn't mean they are. I agree her behavior is crazy. But other than concluding that this surrogacy is a terrible idea and this woman is coping terribly, I wouldn't judge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Well it sounds like you mentioned being a surrogate in the past and they never took you up on it. You should have taken that as a sign that they were not interested. Your SIL does not want you to carry her baby and probably never did. Your BIL was out of line in asking you again after it was clear that his wife was not on board.

No. I never once in the past mentioned to SIL that I wanted to be her surrogate. Nor did I ever once say here that I did, so I'm not sure why you thought that. She did after my second say offhandedly that the next baby I had would probably have to be hers. I just hugged her and handed her her nephew and said "You can have mine all you want until you have your own." So we have been very close over the years until now - as I stated.

From your OP:

"Over the past few years I've spun the idea of offering to be her surrogate if it ever came to that."

So who were you spinning this idea too?

OP: In my own mind and heart. Then after we loaned them another $10000 my DH (please be kind here) said "You know if you just had the baby for them it would be cheaper for us." That started our conversation about it, where I admitted to him the thought had crossed my mind. Then we saw our lawyer, my obgyn and a fertility specialist to see if this was even possible because we didn't want to offer and have it not be possible causing them another heartbreak.

So you've loaned them at least $20,000 and made medical and legal preparations to loan them your body. Then she lashes out at you in a way you were told to expect and you are ready to rescind the offer the next day.

Your and DH's extraordinary generosity seems to have some odd emotional strings attached.

Um, so you think they should still do this after her batshit reaction!?! SIL created an absolutely impossible situation with her response. Of course they have to rescind. You are nuts.

I thought so at first too, but according to the people on this thread who actually know something about the psychology of infertility, her reaction was not all tha tstrange, and was to be expected. OP seems to have been shocked that her beloved SIL harbored resentment towards her, but none of them were. That tells me OP was not as prepared as she thought she was. One PP put it well, she was prepared in terms of herself (doctor, etc) but not in terms of what to actually expect from SIL (who has been saying weird resentful jealousy-driven things for years so it's not like how she felt was as hidden as OP thought).

Everyone involved here is going to have to seriously walk away from their overinflated expectations if they want to make any progress. SIL wants control over her body and now OP's body and mind. OP thought this was going to be emotionally simple, just her swooping in with her hardy womb to solve a family problem. They are both wrong, and if they stick too hard to their expectations, they will both lose. The only way everyone can win here is if they both let go a little and accept where the other person is coming from.

Why OP hasn't made a therapy appt for everyone ASAP, I don't know. Maybe she has and just hasn't told us, but no other idea gets them close to a good resolution here. ANY other phone call she could make would make the situation worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow there are some ungrateful and downright ridiculous people in this thread.

A brother loans his brother money for medical expenses and he and his wife offer surrogacy and they are the assholes.

Typical DCUM.

They aren't assholes But yes they are too involved.

[Anonymous]

I don't know how it is with surrogacy. But with organ transplants, I believe that a person who decides that he/she doesn't want to go through with it has the option of having the doctor tell the would be recipent that the donor was not a good candidate/match. Perhaps if you are sure that you don't want to be her surrogate ever, you could say that you got checked out by your doctor and you discovered the risks were too high given...some excuse, high blood pressure, effects of previous pregnancies, etc.

I don't think lying is ever a good choice but in this case, it might be the kindest option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow there are some ungrateful and downright ridiculous people in this thread.

A brother loans his brother money for medical expenses and he and his wife offer surrogacy and they are the assholes.

Typical DCUM.

They aren't assholes But yes they are too involved.

So just to be clear...a brother should turn down his brother when he asks for money and no one should ever offer surrogacy. Okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you all are too invested in their fertility situation. Loaning huge amounts of cash for IVF and offering surrogacy, I mean it just seems over the top to me.

I would do the same for my sister if I could. I would want to help in anyway possible. You have no right to judge.

In my experience you have to be careful with things like infertility. I had a co-worker go through IVF who was horrible the entire time to everyone in the office. It's a sensitive topic which is why Op needs to step back and be cautious about inserting herself (along with her DH) in the future.

[Anonymous]

SIL IS SETTING YOU UP, watch out OP. She knows that after her crazy list of demands and awful behavior you won't be a surrogate for her anymore. That's EXACTLY why she's telling your MIL/FIL and leaving a social media trail. Now she can be the victim all over again, when her "mean SIL" takes away her last hope at being a mother.

It's sick. Honestly I wouldn't trust your kids near this woman. She's nuts.

I've lost two babies full term and watched my father die in my teens. And I like to think I'm not a horrible person or consumed with grief. I'm 40 now, my window for having babies is closing and I've accepted my life child-less and have made peace with that. I'm travelling the world and volunteering. Your SIL has taken a bad situation and made it all about her, and is consumed by grief and jealousy. Walk away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow there are some ungrateful and downright ridiculous people in this thread.

A brother loans his brother money for medical expenses and he and his wife offer surrogacy and they are the assholes.

Typical DCUM.

They aren't assholes But yes they are too involved.

So just to be clear...a brother should turn down his brother when he asks for money and no one should ever offer surrogacy. Okay.

Not just money but thousands of dollars. Yes, thousands is over the top. Actually giving all of that money may have created even more stress and pressure for SIL to produce a baby. Like we've spent $20k in cash and have no baby to show.

[Anonymous]

You are damned if you do damned if you don't with infertile women and mothers of special needs kids.

Poor OP must be exhausting dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow there are some ungrateful and downright ridiculous people in this thread.

A brother loans his brother money for medical expenses and he and his wife offer surrogacy and they are the assholes.

Typical DCUM.

They aren't assholes But yes they are too involved.

So just to be clear...a brother should turn down his brother when he asks for money and no one should ever offer surrogacy. Okay.

Not just money but thousands of dollars. Yes, thousands is over the top. Actually giving all of that money may have created even more stress and pressure for SIL to produce a baby. Like we've spent $20k in cash and have no baby to show.

Oh ffs you are an idiot. Maybe OP is to blame for global warming and cancer too.

[Anonymous]

Good luck keeping it quiet from the eventual baby that may result from this. SIL has made sure that it won't be a secret how it all came about.
ITA, this is going to blow up in OP's face over and over, in a million different ways =(

[Anonymous]

I posted yesterday and just read through all the updates. OP, sounds like you haven't directly had any further discussions directly with SIL or BIL. Do so, now. You need to make a decision (I recommend not proceeding with the surrogacy, but your call) and then tell BIL and SIL. Put SIL out of her obvious misery and don't let BIL hold out false hope (if you're pulling the offer.)

No idea why your DH needs to talk to his parents. They have nothing to do with this. Bringing them into it will just take more power away from your SIL. Now the whole family will be discussing her life. Jeez, just end this madness. There is no way this ends well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted yesterday and just read through all the updates. OP, sounds like you haven't directly had any further discussions directly with SIL or BIL. Do so, now. You need to make a decision (I recommend not proceeding with the surrogacy, but your call) and then tell BIL and SIL. Put SIL out of her obvious misery and don't let BIL hold out false hope (if you're pulling the offer.)

No idea why your DH needs to talk to his parents. They have nothing to do with this. Bringing them into it will just take more power away from your SIL. Now the whole family will be discussing her life. Jeez, just end this madness. There is no way this ends well.

Maybe because SIL has now pulled his parents into this mess.