If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
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Anonymous
I didn't know that. thanks. I did notice that DW was drier than usual. |
Anonymous
Your presumption is accurate. |
Anonymous
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There does seem to be an underlying assumption here that not having much sex is an acceptable state of things, and that it's up to the Higher-D spouse to live with it.
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Anonymous
I also want to get into "who's responsible for the orgasm" but that's a whole new thread. |
Anonymous
OP, you are not starting from scratch here. You have a history with your wife. If you are looking for a quick fix, a new manipulative tool in your toolbox, that's not what I'm talking about. I'm not giving you a new approach or a new line to work. I'm just telling you what sex means. I have every reason to believe that if you and your wife really embraced sex for all that it is, you would BOTH want to have it, in every possible position and mood, at every possible opportunity. My God, what woman would not want to be worshipped by her husband and experience multiple orgasms on a daily basis? (By the way, multiple orgasms is just one of the many awesome things about being female--I feel so sorry for my husband when I get so many to his one, but he swears he's ok with that). However, you are right that understanding what sex means might just make you more capable of patience, and tenderness, and respect, and forbearance, and strength, when you wife is seriously not capable of sex. This idea of endless, no-consequence availability is a myth. It's not real. People labor under the delusion, but that's a shame. Even in the most Theology-of-the-Body faithful marriages, there will be illness, there will be times apart, there will be fights and resentments, there will be children who need attention. Chastity is a virtue in marriage, too. It can be hard. But when you know what it's all about, you can bear it--happily. I love sleepy sex, wild sex, routine sex, surprising sex, quiet sex, screaming sex, all of it, because it is all in the context of love, real love. Real love with your wife should start with humility. Go ask her forgiveness for all the ways you have fallen short over the years. Sincerely. Promise to try to do better. Ask her if there is anything you need to apologize for, any way you have wronged her that you need to know about. Tell her you want to show her your love in all that you do. You may not be strong enough to change all your bad patterns, but with grace, you will. You will satisfy her, and you will be satisfied. But it won't happen overnight. But you can start now. |
Anonymous
I have never experienced discomfort, except for the one time I had a small episiotomy. My midwife friends all confirm that birth interventions and traumatic births greatly increase the rate of sexual discomfort after birth. I wish more women knew this when making decisions about maternity care. After my home births, we were intimate again right away. No problems. I get more sexually responsive every time. Breast feeding is no issue, either. All that said, every woman is unique. Talking to an understanding health professional (I think midwives are preferable here) would be good. |
Anonymous
| Wow, OP, I haven't read all 16 pages. But if your pent up frustration is making you act toward her the way you presented yourself in your first few posts, I'd say there may be something more to her lack of sex drive. Frequently, low libido is hormonal, but it is so often paired with the way we feel about our spouses and the way they've been there for us. I would have classified myself as low sex drive early on in my marriage after kids. My husband did not do an equal parenting job, and I began to feel like I was the mother to him, as well as my kids. He became just one more demand on me. I was not empty of sex drive, though. I just did not want sex with HIM. (I didn't cheat or come anywhere close, never would, but I did take care of my own needs about weekly). I resented him and it poisoned our intimacy. However, we righted the ship. It wasn't easy. It involved me having sex more often than I wanted to. It meant my husband understanding that sometimes I actually did NOT want to have a full on orgasm, that I was tired and it was enough to just have sex and some closeness (but he alwyas gave me the option to have one, was a generous lover, etc). The fact is, your first post you're acting like a petulant child whose WIFE has a problem. The thing is, if you're doing the whole marriage thing correctly, you own your problems jointly. And with sex, it's so often an issue where both partners have let things slide. The resentment and demands go both ways. If you are living in a sexless marriage you have a right to be unhappy and to want change, but it is unwise for you to so squarely let the issue rest on your wife's shoulders. It is crystal clear that you are doing this. It rings through like a shout in your posts. My advice is to really try to change your own ways. STarting with a major overhaul of what marriage should be. Honestly, your post "if I had known this was the case I wouldn't have married you" means maybe it is too late. Not that you can't fix the lack of sex thing, but you have really lost sight of what marriage is all about. If I knew that my husband would become paralized from the waist down, for instance, and would not be able to walk or have sex or anything, I would have still married him. Gladly. And I think teh same is true for us. When we went through our period of low sex, my husband IMMEDIATELY asked me what was wrong. He rode out the hormones thing, and when I said resentment was starting to feel toxic, he took that seriously. He's not perfect and neither am I but we both tried hard. it is not that hard just to "put out" a few times a month, but it is VERY hard, indeed, to address the underlying issues and that can only happen when both parties are into fixing things, not just making demands on the other one. Honestly, I'm glad I didn't marry someone like you because if my husband had taken the attitude you are taking, we'd be divorced. Now, we've reconnected and are doing it like little wild rabbits. |
Anonymous
Please read up on this topic. Every midwife understands that low estrogen levels--NOT the mode of delivery--is what causes vaginal dryness. Good for you if you were able to resume sexual activity with no discomfort, but *many* breast feeding mothers will experience painful intercourse. |
Anonymous
Low estrogen is just one cause of discomfort. And many breast feeding mothers do not experience low estrogen. Stitches, internal abrasions, cervical trauma, nerve damage--all can result from interventions such as episiotomies, forceps, coached pushing in the lithotomy position, etc. Disrupting the hormones of natural labor also disrupts the body's ability to prevent some traumas. And traumatic births can lead to a complete numbness of the vaginal area for months. On the other end of the spectrum, birth can be an incredibly sensual experience and enhance a couple's sex life. I could certainly always learn more, but I have read widely about this, due to very different postpartum experiences after very different labors and deliveries, and in my training as a birth assistant. |
Anonymous
I think two different things are going on here. First, bodies change and desire can wane through nobody's "fault." Second, however, is how the LD spouse communicates that unfortunate fact to the HD spouse. If a decline in your spouse's effort or helpfulness isn't the cause of your lack of desire, then telling him that increasing his effort or helpfulness will increase your desire doesn't make a lot of sense. Under these circumstances, it's easy to create the impression that you're using his desire to improve your own situation without necessarily doing anything to increase your own desire. That's why I think the LD should accompany these requests for increased effort by the other spouse with some fairly clear indications about what effort she is also going to put forth to address the problem. That way at least HD doesn't get the impression that LD regards it as just his problem.
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Anonymous
Were you HD or LD before kids? Would you say your resentment due to him hot being an equal parent was the main reason for withholding sex? During the LD period, what was the frequency of sex? (How many times a month did DH request vs how many time you actually had sex) btw, the title of the thread was meant to bring posters in. I wouldn't actually say it to DW. I am open to change if she would tell me what was wrong. |
Anonymous
Not OP, but this strikes me as awfully judgmental. Having been on the other side of this, your "fix the marriage" comment seems ill-informed to me. It seems distressingly common, from what I have heard, for the lower-sex drive partner to raise any and all issues as pretexts to avoid addressing the issue of sex itself, and frustrated high-drive partners are often left in the position where they are trying to move heaven and earth to resolve other issues in the marriage as a prerequisite to addressing the sex issue another day, a day that somehow never seems to come. This can cause extreme frustration, which is what I hear in OP's words. |
Anonymous
So you resent the baby then? |
Anonymous
It's awful and guess what? For some of us that never goes away. Ever. It makes sex far less pleasant than it was before, frankly. I know the HD people on here will basically be of the position that you should suck it up because it's "your duty" or whatever, but yeah, if you bothered to ask you'd know this shit. |
Anonymous
Hey Earth Mother, some of us end up in emergency C-sections and it is not our fault. It changes your body forever and it is horrible to recover from. |