Reply to If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.

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Reply to "If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you."

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Sex means a great deal more than physical release, a connection, a fun activity.  We convince ourselves otherwise, but its design remains the same.  
It is crucial to understand that sex is not SOLELY for procreation, but it needs to be respected for its power of possible procreation in order to understand it at all.  So IF you are going to make love to a woman, you should be doing so with the appreciation for her WHOLE PERSON, which includes her mind, her heart, her soul, her body, her potential fertility.  If you are making love to anything less than her whole self, you are selling sex short.  You are disrespecting her.  And she will know that on some deep level.
This applies no matter who you are, what you believe, whether you want children or not.  Because it's the way sex was made.  It's our nature.  
Now, if you start at the beginning, you'd say "free, total, faithful, open"?!?!  That's asking a lot!  I just want to get off!  I'm not that deep or complicated!  You'd be dismissive.
But work your way backwards.  Look at DCUM.  Look at your unfulfilling sex life.  You KNOW something is missing.  You KNOW there is something better out there.
The truth is the truth even if no one believes it.  A lie is a lie even if everyone believes it.  Our human race operates on a lot of collective lies about sex.  Sometimes I despair that things are too far gone to ever be righted.  But my hope is that people will listen to that primal urge for something more, something better.  Because we were made for so much more than using one another to get off.
This is especially true in a marriage.  Because then you have at least the assumption that sex is all of those things, the physical embodiment of marriage vows.  So when spouses lie to one another with the language of their bodies, in the context of daily interactions that either build up or tear down the wedding vows, the desecration of sex is that much more painful and has even greater consequences.
Is this any easier to follow, OP?[/quote]

OP here. Bear with me here, I'm dense.  I don't see how embracing this (new to me) concepts of love will make my sex life more fufilling.  I'm seeing all these theories about what love/sex is suppose to be.  That's great.  How does embracing these ideals get a LD spouse to "put out" more?  If I subscribe to these ideal and get DW to subscribe also, will it mean we will have more sex?   Or will it mean I will ACCEPT than less sex is suddenly ok and not be resentful?   It's like a receipe to follow but the cake might not turn out liek its suppose to.  You know?[/quote]

OP, you are not starting from scratch here.  You have a history with your wife.  If you are looking for a quick fix, a new manipulative tool in your toolbox, that's not what I'm talking about.  I'm not giving you a new approach or a new line to work.  I'm just telling you what sex means.

I have every reason to believe that if you and your wife really embraced sex for all that it is, you would BOTH want to have it, in every possible position and mood, at every possible opportunity.  My God, what woman would not want to be worshipped by her husband and experience multiple orgasms on a daily basis?  (By the way, multiple orgasms is just one of the many awesome things about being female--I feel so sorry for my husband when I get so many to his one, but he swears he's ok with that).

However, you are right that understanding what sex means might just make you more capable of patience, and tenderness, and respect, and forbearance, and strength, when you wife is seriously not capable of sex.  This idea of endless, no-consequence availability is a myth.  It's not real.  People labor under the delusion, but that's a shame.

Even in the most Theology-of-the-Body faithful marriages, there will be illness, there will be times apart, there will be fights and resentments, there will be children who need attention.  Chastity is a virtue in marriage, too.  It can be hard.  But when you know what it's all about, you can bear it--happily.

I love sleepy sex, wild sex, routine sex, surprising sex, quiet sex, screaming sex, all of it, because it is all in the context of love, real love.  Real love with your wife should start with humility.  Go ask her forgiveness for all the ways you have fallen short over the years.  Sincerely.  Promise to try to do better.  Ask her if there is anything you need to apologize for, any way you have wronged her that you need to know about.  Tell her you want to show her your love in all that you do.

You may not be strong enough to change all your bad patterns, but with grace, you will.  You will satisfy her, and you will be satisfied.  But it won't happen overnight.  But you can start now.[/quote]

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