If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP, I haven't read all 16 pages. But if your pent up frustration is making you act toward her the way you presented yourself in your first few posts, I'd say there may be something more to her lack of sex drive. Frequently, low libido is hormonal, but it is so often paired with the way we feel about our spouses and the way they've been there for us. I would have classified myself as low sex drive early on in my marriage after kids. My husband did not do an equal parenting job, and I began to feel like I was the mother to him, as well as my kids. He became just one more demand on me. I was not empty of sex drive, though. I just did not want sex with HIM. (I didn't cheat or come anywhere close, never would, but I did take care of my own needs about weekly). I resented him and it poisoned our intimacy. However, we righted the ship. It wasn't easy. It involved me having sex more often than I wanted to. It meant my husband understanding that sometimes I actually did NOT want to have a full on orgasm, that I was tired and it was enough to just have sex and some closeness (but he alwyas gave me the option to have one, was a generous lover, etc). The fact is, your first post you're acting like a petulant child whose WIFE has a problem. The thing is, if you're doing the whole marriage thing correctly, you own your problems jointly. And with sex, it's so often an issue where both partners have let things slide. The resentment and demands go both ways. If you are living in a sexless marriage you have a right to be unhappy and to want change, but it is unwise for you to so squarely let the issue rest on your wife's shoulders. It is crystal clear that you are doing this. It rings through like a shout in your posts. My advice is to really try to change your own ways. STarting with a major overhaul of what marriage should be. Honestly, your post "if I had known this was the case I wouldn't have married you" means maybe it is too late. Not that you can't fix the lack of sex thing, but you have really lost sight of what marriage is all about. If I knew that my husband would become paralized from the waist down, for instance, and would not be able to walk or have sex or anything, I would have still married him. Gladly. And I think teh same is true for us. When we went through our period of low sex, my husband IMMEDIATELY asked me what was wrong. He rode out the hormones thing, and when I said resentment was starting to feel toxic, he took that seriously. He's not perfect and neither am I but we both tried hard. it is not that hard just to "put out" a few times a month, but it is VERY hard, indeed, to address the underlying issues and that can only happen when both parties are into fixing things, not just making demands on the other one. Honestly, I'm glad I didn't marry someone like you because if my husband had taken the attitude you are taking, we'd be divorced. Now, we've reconnected and are doing it like little wild rabbits.

Not OP, but this strikes me as awfully judgmental. Having been on the other side of this, your "fix the marriage" comment seems ill-informed to me. It seems distressingly common, from what I have heard, for the lower-sex drive partner to raise any and all issues as pretexts to avoid addressing the issue of sex itself, and frustrated high-drive partners are often left in the position where they are trying to move heaven and earth to resolve other issues in the marriage as a prerequisite to addressing the sex issue another day, a day that somehow never seems to come. This can cause extreme frustration, which is what I hear in OP's words.

I don't think this is judgmental. I think this is very, very, very common.

[Anonymous]

If sex is really unimportant to the LD spouse, maybe they'd let the HD spouse take on a lover/fuckbuddy.

[Anonymous]

"Not OP, but this strikes me as awfully judgmental. Having been on the other side of this, your "fix the marriage" comment seems ill-informed to me. It seems distressingly common, from what I have heard, for the lower-sex drive partner to raise any and all issues as pretexts to avoid addressing the issue of sex itself, and frustrated high-drive partners are often left in the position where they are trying to move heaven and earth to resolve other issues in the marriage as a prerequisite to addressing the sex issue another day, a day that somehow never seems to come. This can cause extreme frustration, which is what I hear in OP's words. "

Yes, the humiliation and devastation caused by long term rejection can cause extreme frustration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, Sexless wife here. Oh, I feel you. We do it 6-8 times per year and have done it less some years. I too feel that marrying someone LD was a mistake but I will never say so to DH because I know that would be devastating for him. We too have had "the talk" and written communication and I have had counselin. The basics will not change. If you plan to get sexual satisfaction in other ways I think you owe it to your wife to tell her about it.

BTW -- Those who are not HD spouses yoked to LD spouses, please shut up. I wanted sex during and immediately after three pregnancies, whether I worked or SAHed, breastfed or not. I want sex at least 300 days out of every year. Drive is not about what's going on in your life; it's about how sex makes you feel.

I haven't read this whole thread, but +1 to this. I know how tiring it can be to be the only one who initiates. And I know tired - primary bread winner and mother to two, including an infant. I love my husband, but if I could change his LD, I would. I imagine for us that part of it is timing. I am a morning person, he is very much a night owl. We can't seem to find a time without the kids that we are both jonesing. I do know that I don't want to divorce him. I suppose, to some degree, I have given up because I can't remember how sex makes me feel. It's been that long ago.

[Anonymous]

Posting this again since the formatting was screwed up:

I would like to know what you HD people would like us to do to increase our desire? I mean really, tell me. If it was within my control I would do it. Porn doesn't do it for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It's awful and guess what? For some of us that never goes away. Ever. It makes sex far less pleasant than it was before, frankly. I know the HD people on here will basically be of the position that you should suck it up because it's "your duty" or whatever, but yeah, if you bothered to ask you'd know this shit.

So what do you expect the HD spouse to do? Accept celibacy or near-celibacy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Posting this again since the formatting was screwed up:

I would like to know what you HD people would like us to do to increase our desire? I mean really, tell me. If it was within my control I would do it. Porn doesn't do it for me.

I don't think it is actually a fixable problem in many cases. If the LD person is not open about it before marriage, which I think is extremely common, the HD person is then left with only a few choices, all of them bad: accept it and be unhappy; cheat; divorce; talk the LD spouse into an open marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 10:19. Your wife has sacrificed her body, her sleep, her mental energy, her emotional well to ensure the survival and well-being of your babies. Your sacrifice--several years of less sex.

I'd throw in that SHE wanted #2 but....oh well

So you resent the baby then?

No I don't. While I was necessary in producing #2, I made it clear that I wasn't looking forward to being in that stage of parenthood again. That stage where the mother lacks sleep and you have even less sex than normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Come on now. I wouldn't have sex if she was in PAIN!!!! Sheesh. We've had sex twice since #2 arrived. Both times were painless!

Sorry, OP. I just don't believe this. About 90% of women I know had significant discomfort - even if not PAIN with capital letters - the first times they had sex after childbirth, and certainly if the sex is within the first 2-3 mos. (And I'm betting I've talked to about 2 dozen more ladies about this than you.) Either your DW doesn't feel like she can communicate this to you or you aren't willing to listen . "Painless"??? Whatever. You guys have serious issues.

OK, you point may be valid IF you are my DW. Are you DW?

I cried from the pain the first time we had sex after our first was born, and DH didn't even notice.
I was so appalled and felt so disgusted and angry I couldn't talk about it.

Are you the same poster that is claiming that OP's DW was in pain too?

No, different poster. But, I agree that most women find sex painful while BFing, at least for the first several months. The same hormones that allow women to lactate also cause vaginal dryness.

I didn't know that. thanks. I did notice that DW was drier than usual.

It's awful and guess what? For some of us that never goes away. Ever. It makes sex far less pleasant than it was before, frankly. I know the HD people on here will basically be of the position that you should suck it up because it's "your duty" or whatever, but yeah, if you bothered to ask you'd know this shit.

Look lady, you obviously have issues and some anger probably at your DH. Since I'm sure (mostly) that you ARN'T my DW, stop pretending to know and speak like what you're saying is FACT in MY situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Posting this again since the formatting was screwed up:

I would like to know what you HD people would like us to do to increase our desire? I mean really, tell me. If it was within my control I would do it. Porn doesn't do it for me.

It's common that the LD spouse is not bothered by the lack of sex. It's common that the HD spouse is very aggitated at the lack of sex. Who should give up the ground? The one who is not feeling bothered or the frustrated one?

At least meet half way since it's 50% your duty to right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Posting this again since the formatting was screwed up:

I would like to know what you HD people would like us to do to increase our desire? I mean really, tell me. If it was within my control I would do it. Porn doesn't do it for me.

It's common that the LD spouse is not bothered by the lack of sex. It's common that the HD spouse is very aggitated at the lack of sex. Who should give up the ground? The one who is not feeling bothered or the frustrated one?

At least meet half way since it's 50% your duty to right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, Sexless wife here. Oh, I feel you. We do it 6-8 times per year and have done it less some years. I too feel that marrying someone LD was a mistake but I will never say so to DH because I know that would be devastating for him. We too have had "the talk" and written communication and I have had counselin. The basics will not change. If you plan to get sexual satisfaction in other ways I think you owe it to your wife to tell her about it.

BTW -- Those who are not HD spouses yoked to LD spouses, please shut up. I wanted sex during and immediately after three pregnancies, whether I worked or SAHed, breastfed or not. I want sex at least 300 days out of every year. Drive is not about what's going on in your life; it's about how sex makes you feel.

I haven't read this whole thread, but +1 to this. I know how tiring it can be to be the only one who initiates. And I know tired - primary bread winner and mother to two, including an infant. I love my husband, but if I could change his LD, I would. I imagine for us that part of it is timing. I am a morning person, he is very much a night owl. We can't seem to find a time without the kids that we are both jonesing. I do know that I don't want to divorce him. I suppose, to some degree, I have given up because I can't remember how sex makes me feel. It's been that long ago.

DH doesn't initiate. Does he withhold too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP, I haven't read all 16 pages. But if your pent up frustration is making you act toward her the way you presented yourself in your first few posts, I'd say there may be something more to her lack of sex drive. Frequently, low libido is hormonal, but it is so often paired with the way we feel about our spouses and the way they've been there for us. I would have classified myself as low sex drive early on in my marriage after kids. My husband did not do an equal parenting job, and I began to feel like I was the mother to him, as well as my kids. He became just one more demand on me. I was not empty of sex drive, though. I just did not want sex with HIM. (I didn't cheat or come anywhere close, never would, but I did take care of my own needs about weekly). I resented him and it poisoned our intimacy. However, we righted the ship. It wasn't easy. It involved me having sex more often than I wanted to. It meant my husband understanding that sometimes I actually did NOT want to have a full on orgasm, that I was tired and it was enough to just have sex and some closeness (but he alwyas gave me the option to have one, was a generous lover, etc). The fact is, your first post you're acting like a petulant child whose WIFE has a problem. The thing is, if you're doing the whole marriage thing correctly, you own your problems jointly. And with sex, it's so often an issue where both partners have let things slide. The resentment and demands go both ways. If you are living in a sexless marriage you have a right to be unhappy and to want change, but it is unwise for you to so squarely let the issue rest on your wife's shoulders. It is crystal clear that you are doing this. It rings through like a shout in your posts. My advice is to really try to change your own ways. STarting with a major overhaul of what marriage should be. Honestly, your post "if I had known this was the case I wouldn't have married you" means maybe it is too late. Not that you can't fix the lack of sex thing, but you have really lost sight of what marriage is all about. If I knew that my husband would become paralized from the waist down, for instance, and would not be able to walk or have sex or anything, I would have still married him. Gladly. And I think teh same is true for us. When we went through our period of low sex, my husband IMMEDIATELY asked me what was wrong. He rode out the hormones thing, and when I said resentment was starting to feel toxic, he took that seriously. He's not perfect and neither am I but we both tried hard. it is not that hard just to "put out" a few times a month, but it is VERY hard, indeed, to address the underlying issues and that can only happen when both parties are into fixing things, not just making demands on the other one. Honestly, I'm glad I didn't marry someone like you because if my husband had taken the attitude you are taking, we'd be divorced. Now, we've reconnected and are doing it like little wild rabbits.

Not OP, but this strikes me as awfully judgmental. Having been on the other side of this, your "fix the marriage" comment seems ill-informed to me. It seems distressingly common, from what I have heard, for the lower-sex drive partner to raise any and all issues as pretexts to avoid addressing the issue of sex itself, and frustrated high-drive partners are often left in the position where they are trying to move heaven and earth to resolve other issues in the marriage as a prerequisite to addressing the sex issue another day, a day that somehow never seems to come. This can cause extreme frustration, which is what I hear in OP's words.

I don't think this is judgmental. I think this is very, very, very common.

+1

"I probably wouldn't have married you" isn't helpful either. IIRC the marriage vows include "for better and for worse," and for OP this is the "for worse" part.

I'm in a "for worse" stage myself. My DH, who was healthy and fit when we married, has developed MS. This is a condition that has many, many accompanying problems, including difficulty walking distances; difficulty holding farts/not farting (his muscles there are shot); difficulty getting an e*r*ection; the need for lots of sleep (he goes to bed at 9). The list goes on. We used to love to hike together; I had hoped he would learn to ski because I love that. None of that is possible now. I hate this metro area and always thought we would move north, but that will never happen because the cold exacerbates his symptoms. I worry about our kids, who have a genetic predisposition to developing MS. This is all disappointing (to say the least) but handling it is what I signed up to on our wedding day. I am in this for better and for worse. I don't think about "would I have married him?" because it is a moot issue. I *didL* marry him and I love him and we are in this together.

OP, your wife is no more "withholding" than is my DH. She is not "withholding" anything; she is having difficulty with handling all aspects of her life and is in all likelihood doing the best she can.

You need to be understanding and loving, not judgmental and angry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posting this again since the formatting was screwed up:

I would like to know what you HD people would like us to do to increase our desire? I mean really, tell me. If it was within my control I would do it. Porn doesn't do it for me.

I don't think it is actually a fixable problem in many cases. If the LD person is not open about it before marriage, which I think is extremely common, the HD person is then left with only a few choices, all of them bad: accept it and be unhappy; cheat; divorce; talk the LD spouse into an open marriage.

Things change over decades. Why the assumption that the LD person has always been this way and engaged in subterfuge prior to the marital vows?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 10:19. Your wife has sacrificed her body, her sleep, her mental energy, her emotional well to ensure the survival and well-being of your babies. Your sacrifice--several years of less sex.

I'd throw in that SHE wanted #2 but....oh well

So you resent the baby then?

No I don't. While I was necessary in producing #2, I made it clear that I wasn't looking forward to being in that stage of parenthood again. That stage where the mother lacks sleep and you have even less sex than normal.

Does anyone look forward to the lack of sleep and difficulties associated with newborns?

Seriously, OP? You sound like a 13yo boy.