Are working spouses resentful of stay at home spouses who live leisurely lives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wouldn’t be resentful because that’s not the type of life I want.

I’m proud of my accomplishments, which include having a successful full time job as well as a well-running house (without outside help). I love the life I lead and I find meaning and value in it.

I would be bored leading the type of life you describe.

People who are genuinely happy and satisfied with their own lives generally don’t try to diminish other people’s lives this way.

NP but I'd also be bored. Someone's opinion doesn't diminish someone else's situation.

Come on. Telling someone you find their life boring is meant to be an inside. Keep it to yourself. Duh.

Who is telling anyone anything? This is an anonymous message board. If you can't give your opinion on here, then where can you?

That opinion has nothing to do with the thread though. Maybe start one about lifestyles you’d find boring?

The OP’s question was about resentment. Some are responding that no, they wouldn’t feel that way because the lifestyle doesn’t appeal to them (re: boring). Isn’t that on topic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are a team. We both are able to work jobs with decent work/life balance and get to many practices, scout events, etc. I'm happy with that arrangement. Both of us could make significantly more at higher stress jobs.

My husband and I are a team too.
But just as most teams don’t have two pitchers or two catchers on the field, we have different roles.
His is to earn a living to support us financially. Mine is to take care of the home and children. One can argue that our responsibilities overlap sometimes because the fact that we don’t need childcare contributes to our not needing additional earnings to pay for childcare—or sometimes he will drive the kids ti a sporting practice when the other kid has to be at another activity. But for the most part, we just go about our “teamwork” in a different way from the way your team works.

Some of us would like our husbands to do more than "sometimes drive a kid to a sporting practice." But glad your teamwork works for you.

NP

But, lady, get over yourself. You sound like a petulant child with your “sOmE oF uS…” outrage and jealousy.

Just worry about your own family and maybe think about what steps you need to take to become happier. You’re clearly bitter AF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wouldn’t be resentful because that’s not the type of life I want.

I’m proud of my accomplishments, which include having a successful full time job as well as a well-running house (without outside help). I love the life I lead and I find meaning and value in it.

I would be bored leading the type of life you describe.

People who are genuinely happy and satisfied with their own lives generally don’t try to diminish other people’s lives this way.

NP but I'd also be bored. Someone's opinion doesn't diminish someone else's situation.

Come on. Telling someone you find their life boring is meant to be an inside. Keep it to yourself. Duh.

Who is telling anyone anything? This is an anonymous message board. If you can't give your opinion on here, then where can you?

That opinion has nothing to do with the thread though. Maybe start one about lifestyles you’d find boring?

The OP’s question was about resentment. Some are responding that no, they wouldn’t feel that way because the lifestyle doesn’t appeal to them (re: boring). Isn’t that on topic?

No, read the thread. She was saying she would be bored as the leisurely stay at home spouse, not as the working spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it is friends who post on DCUM who are jealous of their friends who are SAH parents.

+1
The kind of man who chooses a SAH woman first of all knows and appreciates that the Parenting part of the SAH life is not leisurely.
But also recognizes that the parts that are “leisurely” are things that make her happy and usually are things he is happy to be able to provide for her because it makes her a happy woman.
And whether you believe it or not, most men want peace and happiness of a conflict-free existence at home. Happy women are also happy to lift up and care for their partner. And there’s simply no reason for a man to feel resentful of his wife indulging in “leisurely” activities that contribute to her happiness if she is also caring for him and his home and kids and his needs at the same time. In fact, he is really glad to have a happy wife who is not caught up in the myth that advancing through the paces of a demanding career that takes her focus from their family is the only meaningful way to contribute in society. “Happy wife, happy life” is a mantra that he embraces—and not with resentment.

If a spouse is resentful of the arrangement, it’s not a good fit for them.

So no—I don’t think husbands whose wives have a stay-at-home life are resentful. I think it’s only DCUM working moms who occupy that space.

I was resentful. Because I knew it was a one-way street. There’s no way in hell my DW would be willing to flip the script, and adopt a happy DH-happy life approach. And it’s annoying when someone expects to be treated in a way that they won’t treat you.

The reality is that men and women are different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it is friends who post on DCUM who are jealous of their friends who are SAH parents.

+1
The kind of man who chooses a SAH woman first of all knows and appreciates that the Parenting part of the SAH life is not leisurely.
But also recognizes that the parts that are “leisurely” are things that make her happy and usually are things he is happy to be able to provide for her because it makes her a happy woman.
And whether you believe it or not, most men want peace and happiness of a conflict-free existence at home. Happy women are also happy to lift up and care for their partner. And there’s simply no reason for a man to feel resentful of his wife indulging in “leisurely” activities that contribute to her happiness if she is also caring for him and his home and kids and his needs at the same time. In fact, he is really glad to have a happy wife who is not caught up in the myth that advancing through the paces of a demanding career that takes her focus from their family is the only meaningful way to contribute in society. “Happy wife, happy life” is a mantra that he embraces—and not with resentment.

If a spouse is resentful of the arrangement, it’s not a good fit for them.

So no—I don’t think husbands whose wives have a stay-at-home life are resentful. I think it’s only DCUM working moms who occupy that space.

I was resentful. Because I knew it was a one-way street. There’s no way in hell my DW would be willing to flip the script, and adopt a happy DH-happy life approach. And it’s annoying when someone expects to be treated in a way that they won’t treat you.

The reality is that men and women are different.

Men are expected to be the provider. I can’t imagine being with a man who did not want to provide for his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wouldn’t be resentful because that’s not the type of life I want.

I’m proud of my accomplishments, which include having a successful full time job as well as a well-running house (without outside help). I love the life I lead and I find meaning and value in it.

I would be bored leading the type of life you describe.

People who are genuinely happy and satisfied with their own lives generally don’t try to diminish other people’s lives this way.

NP but I'd also be bored. Someone's opinion doesn't diminish someone else's situation.

Come on. Telling someone you find their life boring is meant to be an inside. Keep it to yourself. Duh.

Who is telling anyone anything? This is an anonymous message board. If you can't give your opinion on here, then where can you?

That opinion has nothing to do with the thread though. Maybe start one about lifestyles you’d find boring?

Who are you, the thread police? Is this your first time here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are a team. We both are able to work jobs with decent work/life balance and get to many practices, scout events, etc. I'm happy with that arrangement. Both of us could make significantly more at higher stress jobs.

My husband and I are a team too.
But just as most teams don’t have two pitchers or two catchers on the field, we have different roles.
His is to earn a living to support us financially. Mine is to take care of the home and children. One can argue that our responsibilities overlap sometimes because the fact that we don’t need childcare contributes to our not needing additional earnings to pay for childcare—or sometimes he will drive the kids ti a sporting practice when the other kid has to be at another activity. But for the most part, we just go about our “teamwork” in a different way from the way your team works.

Some of us would like our husbands to do more than "sometimes drive a kid to a sporting practice." But glad your teamwork works for you.

NP

But, lady, get over yourself. You sound like a petulant child with your “sOmE oF uS…” outrage and jealousy.

Just worry about your own family and maybe think about what steps you need to take to become happier. You’re clearly bitter AF.

Not bitter, just wouldn't be interested in a lifestyle where my children's parent sometimes drove them places. If that works for you, then great!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are a team. We both are able to work jobs with decent work/life balance and get to many practices, scout events, etc. I'm happy with that arrangement. Both of us could make significantly more at higher stress jobs.

My husband and I are a team too.
But just as most teams don’t have two pitchers or two catchers on the field, we have different roles.
His is to earn a living to support us financially. Mine is to take care of the home and children. One can argue that our responsibilities overlap sometimes because the fact that we don’t need childcare contributes to our not needing additional earnings to pay for childcare—or sometimes he will drive the kids ti a sporting practice when the other kid has to be at another activity. But for the most part, we just go about our “teamwork” in a different way from the way your team works.

Some of us would like our husbands to do more than "sometimes drive a kid to a sporting practice." But glad your teamwork works for you.

NP

But, lady, get over yourself. You sound like a petulant child with your “sOmE oF uS…” outrage and jealousy.

Just worry about your own family and maybe think about what steps you need to take to become happier. You’re clearly bitter AF.

Not bitter, just wouldn't be interested in a lifestyle where my children's parent sometimes drove them places. If that works for you, then great!

DP here. DH is really successful and has a very demanding job. The type of man who is earning seven figures does not have a predictable schedule. He is loving and present but we can’t depend on him to take Johnny to soccer or Jane to dance. He will take Jane to dance and loves to watch her whenever he can and it usually averages out to 1-2x per week. I’m on my own juggling our three kids the rest of the time. On weekends, DH goes to every game.

I have 3 kids at 3 different schools with different start times, different spring breaks, varying teacher work days, etc. Summer is 3 months off and there are not many weeks where all 3 kids are even going to school 5x per week. Add in snow days, sick days, field trips, school thanksgiving lunch, middle school games at 245, doc appointments, orthodontist appointments, etc and my days are busy.

Most moms work. I think it is very hard to put your all into your work and kids. Very hard. I have many super mom friends who are both successful at work and amazing mothers. They give up sleep. They wake up before the kids wake up to work out, get ready, pack lunch and then they flex at work so they can get out early, are present foe their kids and then log back in at night to finish up their work. I absolutely do have a far easier and leisurely life. I run all my errands when kids are in school. I work out daily after I drop kids off at school. I have 5 hours when kids are in school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it is friends who post on DCUM who are jealous of their friends who are SAH parents.

+1
The kind of man who chooses a SAH woman first of all knows and appreciates that the Parenting part of the SAH life is not leisurely.
But also recognizes that the parts that are “leisurely” are things that make her happy and usually are things he is happy to be able to provide for her because it makes her a happy woman.
And whether you believe it or not, most men want peace and happiness of a conflict-free existence at home. Happy women are also happy to lift up and care for their partner. And there’s simply no reason for a man to feel resentful of his wife indulging in “leisurely” activities that contribute to her happiness if she is also caring for him and his home and kids and his needs at the same time. In fact, he is really glad to have a happy wife who is not caught up in the myth that advancing through the paces of a demanding career that takes her focus from their family is the only meaningful way to contribute in society. “Happy wife, happy life” is a mantra that he embraces—and not with resentment.

If a spouse is resentful of the arrangement, it’s not a good fit for them.

So no—I don’t think husbands whose wives have a stay-at-home life are resentful. I think it’s only DCUM working moms who occupy that space.

I was resentful. Because I knew it was a one-way street. There’s no way in hell my DW would be willing to flip the script, and adopt a happy DH-happy life approach. And it’s annoying when someone expects to be treated in a way that they won’t treat you.

You were resentful because you are not making enough money. That's it. Plain and simple.

[Anonymous]

Pp again. If the husband had a predictable day where he can log in and log out to be an equal partner, he likely is not pulling in $$$. Sure, he can probably earn 300-400k. If he is earning over 800, he can’t just work 8-4.

The men who earn $$$ often have stay at home spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it is friends who post on DCUM who are jealous of their friends who are SAH parents.

+1
The kind of man who chooses a SAH woman first of all knows and appreciates that the Parenting part of the SAH life is not leisurely.
But also recognizes that the parts that are “leisurely” are things that make her happy and usually are things he is happy to be able to provide for her because it makes her a happy woman.
And whether you believe it or not, most men want peace and happiness of a conflict-free existence at home. Happy women are also happy to lift up and care for their partner. And there’s simply no reason for a man to feel resentful of his wife indulging in “leisurely” activities that contribute to her happiness if she is also caring for him and his home and kids and his needs at the same time. In fact, he is really glad to have a happy wife who is not caught up in the myth that advancing through the paces of a demanding career that takes her focus from their family is the only meaningful way to contribute in society. “Happy wife, happy life” is a mantra that he embraces—and not with resentment.

If a spouse is resentful of the arrangement, it’s not a good fit for them.

So no—I don’t think husbands whose wives have a stay-at-home life are resentful. I think it’s only DCUM working moms who occupy that space.

I was resentful. Because I knew it was a one-way street. There’s no way in hell my DW would be willing to flip the script, and adopt a happy DH-happy life approach. And it’s annoying when someone expects to be treated in a way that they won’t treat you.

The kind of man who has this attitude is one to avoid. He treats his wife like she’s a man and it’s very tit for tat.

A real man prioritizes his wife’s and family’s happiness over his own.

PP’s attitude is the main reason he divorced, but he will never believe it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it is friends who post on DCUM who are jealous of their friends who are SAH parents.

+1
The kind of man who chooses a SAH woman first of all knows and appreciates that the Parenting part of the SAH life is not leisurely.
But also recognizes that the parts that are “leisurely” are things that make her happy and usually are things he is happy to be able to provide for her because it makes her a happy woman.
And whether you believe it or not, most men want peace and happiness of a conflict-free existence at home. Happy women are also happy to lift up and care for their partner. And there’s simply no reason for a man to feel resentful of his wife indulging in “leisurely” activities that contribute to her happiness if she is also caring for him and his home and kids and his needs at the same time. In fact, he is really glad to have a happy wife who is not caught up in the myth that advancing through the paces of a demanding career that takes her focus from their family is the only meaningful way to contribute in society. “Happy wife, happy life” is a mantra that he embraces—and not with resentment.

If a spouse is resentful of the arrangement, it’s not a good fit for them.

So no—I don’t think husbands whose wives have a stay-at-home life are resentful. I think it’s only DCUM working moms who occupy that space.

I was resentful. Because I knew it was a one-way street. There’s no way in hell my DW would be willing to flip the script, and adopt a happy DH-happy life approach. And it’s annoying when someone expects to be treated in a way that they won’t treat you.

The kind of man who has this attitude is one to avoid. He treats his wife like she’s a man and it’s very tit for tat.

A real man prioritizes his wife’s and family’s happiness over his own.

PP’s attitude is the main reason he divorced, but he will never believe it.

Yeah he sounds like a bad partner. No wonder he is divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are a team. We both are able to work jobs with decent work/life balance and get to many practices, scout events, etc. I'm happy with that arrangement. Both of us could make significantly more at higher stress jobs.

My husband and I are a team too.
But just as most teams don’t have two pitchers or two catchers on the field, we have different roles.
His is to earn a living to support us financially. Mine is to take care of the home and children. One can argue that our responsibilities overlap sometimes because the fact that we don’t need childcare contributes to our not needing additional earnings to pay for childcare—or sometimes he will drive the kids ti a sporting practice when the other kid has to be at another activity. But for the most part, we just go about our “teamwork” in a different way from the way your team works.

Some of us would like our husbands to do more than "sometimes drive a kid to a sporting practice." But glad your teamwork works for you.

NP

But, lady, get over yourself. You sound like a petulant child with your “sOmE oF uS…” outrage and jealousy.

Just worry about your own family and maybe think about what steps you need to take to become happier. You’re clearly bitter AF.

Not bitter, just wouldn't be interested in a lifestyle where my children's parent sometimes drove them places. If that works for you, then great!

“My husband and I are a team. We both are able to work jobs with decent work/life balance and get to ***many*** practices, scout events, etc.”

Sounds like that’s EXACTLY the lifestyle you have…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are a team. We both are able to work jobs with decent work/life balance and get to many practices, scout events, etc. I'm happy with that arrangement. Both of us could make significantly more at higher stress jobs.

My husband and I are a team too.
But just as most teams don’t have two pitchers or two catchers on the field, we have different roles.
His is to earn a living to support us financially. Mine is to take care of the home and children. One can argue that our responsibilities overlap sometimes because the fact that we don’t need childcare contributes to our not needing additional earnings to pay for childcare—or sometimes he will drive the kids ti a sporting practice when the other kid has to be at another activity. But for the most part, we just go about our “teamwork” in a different way from the way your team works.

Some of us would like our husbands to do more than "sometimes drive a kid to a sporting practice." But glad your teamwork works for you.

NP

But, lady, get over yourself. You sound like a petulant child with your “sOmE oF uS…” outrage and jealousy.

Just worry about your own family and maybe think about what steps you need to take to become happier. You’re clearly bitter AF.

Not bitter, just wouldn't be interested in a lifestyle where my children's parent sometimes drove them places. If that works for you, then great!

DP here. DH is really successful and has a very demanding job. The type of man who is earning seven figures does not have a predictable schedule. He is loving and present but we can’t depend on him to take Johnny to soccer or Jane to dance. He will take Jane to dance and loves to watch her whenever he can and it usually averages out to 1-2x per week. I’m on my own juggling our three kids the rest of the time. On weekends, DH goes to every game.

I have 3 kids at 3 different schools with different start times, different spring breaks, varying teacher work days, etc. Summer is 3 months off and there are not many weeks where all 3 kids are even going to school 5x per week. Add in snow days, sick days, field trips, school thanksgiving lunch, middle school games at 245, doc appointments, orthodontist appointments, etc and my days are busy.

Most moms work. I think it is very hard to put your all into your work and kids. Very hard. I have many super mom friends who are both successful at work and amazing mothers. They give up sleep. They wake up before the kids wake up to work out, get ready, pack lunch and then they flex at work so they can get out early, are present foe their kids and then log back in at night to finish up their work. I absolutely do have a far easier and leisurely life. I run all my errands when kids are in school. I work out daily after I drop kids off at school. I have 5 hours when kids are in school.

I love it when SAHMs list all the things they do every day like other people don't deal with the exact same things. You think only your kids are off for summer? Only your kids go to the doctor? Live your life however you want, but some of us want more than just a husband who is successful and has a very demanding job. But good luck working out three different spring breaks this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp again. If the husband had a predictable day where he can log in and log out to be an equal partner, he likely is not pulling in $$$. Sure, he can probably earn 300-400k. If he is earning over 800, he can’t just work 8-4.

The men who earn $$$ often have stay at home spouses.

I'm good with my husband earning $400K (as do I) and being an equal partner. Again, different priorities for different people. One of us could lean in and earn seven figures, but we'd spend less time with the family we decided to have.