Dear MILs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you need to understand and accept that 9 out of 10 MILs only care about their child, and care about their spouses only inasmuch as they add value to their children’s lives.
It’s just the way it is.
Don’t expect your MIL to care even if she is polite enough to ask you how you are etc
That’s why she is trying to assess the situation FOR HER SON and maybe her grandchild, and do so without you standing in the way and blocking the airwaves so to speak.
Use your own parents for comfort! Stop expecting it from ILs!
Signed,
-someone who has been burned

This may be all well and true. And as multiple pp have declared, a MIL can say whatever she wants to her son anytime she has the opportunity to communicate with him. The thing that so many posters seem to be missing is that depending on what and how she chooses to communicate, she might cause her DIL to decide that she cannot stand her. Whether it’s morally sound for the DIL to act on that feeling is irrelevant. If you want to have a good and close relationship with your adult son and grandchildren, MILs would be wise to treat their DILs with all the kindness and respect in the world. Many DILs will shove their feelings to the side and allow access to her kids, but many will NOT. Why is it so hard to be compassionate, kind and loving toward the life partner of your adult kids?? You are a complete fool to be anything less.

The fact is that DILs (particularly those with children) have all the power and all of the leverage. They are usually the gate keepers to their kids. Unkind MILs, on the other hand, literally have NOTHING a DIL wants. Unkind, meddling and gossiping MILs have to be some of the dumbest people on the planet.

Unless your marriage is airtight, and OPs certainly isn't, the DILs power is fleeting. And OP already couldn't stand her MIL because she didn't get pampered enough in pregnancy.

[Anonymous]

The women are not alright this day and age... holy ****. Neurotic af

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow! While I haven’t read through all of the comments I am so shocked that so many of you find it completely normal and expected for a MIL not to care about her DIL.

Where I’m from when you marry someone you become a part of that family as well and you care for one another. I know for a fact my MIL genuinely cares about me as well. Obviously she will always love her own son more than me that’s totally normal and expected but she still cares about me as my own person and as her DIL.

When I had surgery she would personally text me to see how I’m recovering and she even stopped over to the house with baked goods.

When I was pregnant she would reach out to see how the pregnancy was going. In a non intrusive way.

Is it that much of a rarity to care about your DIL? That’s just so sad to me that so many of you have had negative experiences where your mil didn’t care about you.

Before you ask I am very close to my own parents as well but that doesn’t mean I can’t be close to my mil as well.

I think I would be hurt if I had a very difficult pregnancy and then my mil didn’t ask about me at all. Then waited until I wasn’t around and when my husband seemed tired asked him about it. But to be fair that’s because my mil has always shown love and genuine care for me.

My dad’s mom always showed love and care for my mom as well.

I think it’s so odd that it should be expected for your mil to treat you essentially as a stranger or acquaintance would be treated.

I do agree with the posters saying though it sounds like a DH problem more than just a mil problem. It is generally advised by marital counselors to not go to outsiders especially biased ones such as parents to vent about your marriage.

So the fact that this mil waited until the wife specifically wasn’t around to question her son on why he was so tired makes me think she feels comfortable asking her son these undermining questions and there has to be a reason she feels comfortable doing so and that reason is probably because her husband talks to his mom about this stuff.

Parents are like the most biased source on the planet. I would be having a conversation with my husband too if he was running to his mom to vent about me or dealing with the new baby because it would cause a rift between his mother and I and put strain on our marriage.

+++++++100000000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear DILs Everywhere,

Your husband was my son for many years before he was your husband. I don’t care if he is 5 or 95 as long as I’m alive it is my “job” to lookout for him and make sure he is being treated right.

So many men work hard for their families and all their wive’s do is spend their hard earned money. As a mom of a young son I want my son to be treated kindly in his marriage and not dominated by a domineering woman in the future.

And I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think my first loyalty is always to my own son. If I think he is being taken advantage of in his marriage you bet your ass I always have that “right” to pull him aside and have a conversation about it.

I carried him for 9 months, gave birth to him, raised him into adulthood, held him while he cried, fixed his boo boos, stayed up with him all night. I will always cradle to grave protect him.

He can divorce you honey and get another wife but he can only ever have one mother.

Signed,

A mother of a young boy.

I feel sorry for your future DIL. Consider this, then - if you cause trouble in your son's marriage your will only be making your son unhappy. Divorce is horrible. Imagine now that your son and his wife have a child. If you succeed in interfering to where you cause a divorce, you will not only cause your own son pain, but leave your grandchild broken-hearted over the end of life as they know it. That makes you a selfish jerk.

Divorce is horrible? Come on now. People here talk about it being liberating. Less child care time more personal time. And kids are resilient, remember? A divorce would mean MIL gets a lot more time with her grandchild too without walking on eggshells around an unstable DIL.

lol yikes. Tell me you don’t give one shit about children without saying you don’t give one shit about children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear DILs Everywhere,

Your husband was my son for many years before he was your husband. I don’t care if he is 5 or 95 as long as I’m alive it is my “job” to lookout for him and make sure he is being treated right.

So many men work hard for their families and all their wive’s do is spend their hard earned money. As a mom of a young son I want my son to be treated kindly in his marriage and not dominated by a domineering woman in the future.

And I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think my first loyalty is always to my own son. If I think he is being taken advantage of in his marriage you bet your ass I always have that “right” to pull him aside and have a conversation about it.

I carried him for 9 months, gave birth to him, raised him into adulthood, held him while he cried, fixed his boo boos, stayed up with him all night. I will always cradle to grave protect him.

He can divorce you honey and get another wife but he can only ever have one mother.

Signed,

A mother of a young boy.

I feel sorry for your future DIL. Consider this, then - if you cause trouble in your son's marriage your will only be making your son unhappy. Divorce is horrible. Imagine now that your son and his wife have a child. If you succeed in interfering to where you cause a divorce, you will not only cause your own son pain, but leave your grandchild broken-hearted over the end of life as they know it. That makes you a selfish jerk.

Divorce is horrible? Come on now. People here talk about it being liberating. Less child care time more personal time. And kids are resilient, remember? A divorce would mean MIL gets a lot more time with her grandchild too without walking on eggshells around an unstable DIL.

lol yikes. Tell me you don’t give one shit about children without saying you don’t give one shit about children.

So, people should stay in bad marriages for the sake of the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear DILs Everywhere,

Your husband was my son for many years before he was your husband. I don’t care if he is 5 or 95 as long as I’m alive it is my “job” to lookout for him and make sure he is being treated right.

So many men work hard for their families and all their wive’s do is spend their hard earned money. As a mom of a young son I want my son to be treated kindly in his marriage and not dominated by a domineering woman in the future.

And I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think my first loyalty is always to my own son. If I think he is being taken advantage of in his marriage you bet your ass I always have that “right” to pull him aside and have a conversation about it.

I carried him for 9 months, gave birth to him, raised him into adulthood, held him while he cried, fixed his boo boos, stayed up with him all night. I will always cradle to grave protect him.

He can divorce you honey and get another wife but he can only ever have one mother.

Signed,

A mother of a young boy.

I feel sorry for your future DIL. Consider this, then - if you cause trouble in your son's marriage your will only be making your son unhappy. Divorce is horrible. Imagine now that your son and his wife have a child. If you succeed in interfering to where you cause a divorce, you will not only cause your own son pain, but leave your grandchild broken-hearted over the end of life as they know it. That makes you a selfish jerk.

Divorce is horrible? Come on now. People here talk about it being liberating. Less child care time more personal time. And kids are resilient, remember? A divorce would mean MIL gets a lot more time with her grandchild too without walking on eggshells around an unstable DIL.

lol yikes. Tell me you don’t give one shit about children without saying you don’t give one shit about children.

So, people should stay in bad marriages for the sake of the kids?

So confused how you read the above posts and that was your takeaway. Really bizarre and illogical thinking. But someone singing the praises and touting the wondrous benefits of divorce (none of which include a single thought about the children) but instead focus on things like more personal time away from your children is not someone I would want anywhere near children. Certainly not my own! That poster (probably you?) is pretty yuck and cringe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you need to understand and accept that 9 out of 10 MILs only care about their child, and care about their spouses only inasmuch as they add value to their children’s lives.
It’s just the way it is.
Don’t expect your MIL to care even if she is polite enough to ask you how you are etc
That’s why she is trying to assess the situation FOR HER SON and maybe her grandchild, and do so without you standing in the way and blocking the airwaves so to speak.
Use your own parents for comfort! Stop expecting it from ILs!
Signed,
-someone who has been burned

This may be all well and true. And as multiple pp have declared, a MIL can say whatever she wants to her son anytime she has the opportunity to communicate with him. The thing that so many posters seem to be missing is that depending on what and how she chooses to communicate, she might cause her DIL to decide that she cannot stand her. Whether it’s morally sound for the DIL to act on that feeling is irrelevant. If you want to have a good and close relationship with your adult son and grandchildren, MILs would be wise to treat their DILs with all the kindness and respect in the world. Many DILs will shove their feelings to the side and allow access to her kids, but many will NOT. Why is it so hard to be compassionate, kind and loving toward the life partner of your adult kids?? You are a complete fool to be anything less.

The fact is that DILs (particularly those with children) have all the power and all of the leverage. They are usually the gate keepers to their kids. Unkind MILs, on the other hand, literally have NOTHING a DIL wants. Unkind, meddling and gossiping MILs have to be some of the dumbest people on the planet.

Unless your marriage is airtight, and OPs certainly isn't, the DILs power is fleeting. And OP already couldn't stand her MIL because she didn't get pampered enough in pregnancy.

Why would you assume DILs in general not talking about op here relationship with her husband is fleeting but not her son’s relationship with his mother. I find the marital relationship the stronger and more important one.

I see most sons putting their wives first and if their mother is unkind to their wife the mother is the one to lose out not the wife.

So again yes the mil had a lot more to lose than the DIl.

If you think your husbands relationship with his mom is stronger or more important than his relationship with you as his wife than you picked the wrong husband because if you picked the right husband you wouldn’t even have to question where you stand

[Anonymous]

LOL at all these people who think a man should have stronger relationship with his mother than his own wife.

Because you know you never read on here estrangement between parents and children.

I can’t even wrap my head around how pissed I would be if I thought for a second my husband viewed his mother as more important than me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you need to understand and accept that 9 out of 10 MILs only care about their child, and care about their spouses only inasmuch as they add value to their children’s lives.
It’s just the way it is.
Don’t expect your MIL to care even if she is polite enough to ask you how you are etc
That’s why she is trying to assess the situation FOR HER SON and maybe her grandchild, and do so without you standing in the way and blocking the airwaves so to speak.
Use your own parents for comfort! Stop expecting it from ILs!
Signed,
-someone who has been burned

This may be all well and true. And as multiple pp have declared, a MIL can say whatever she wants to her son anytime she has the opportunity to communicate with him. The thing that so many posters seem to be missing is that depending on what and how she chooses to communicate, she might cause her DIL to decide that she cannot stand her. Whether it’s morally sound for the DIL to act on that feeling is irrelevant. If you want to have a good and close relationship with your adult son and grandchildren, MILs would be wise to treat their DILs with all the kindness and respect in the world. Many DILs will shove their feelings to the side and allow access to her kids, but many will NOT. Why is it so hard to be compassionate, kind and loving toward the life partner of your adult kids?? You are a complete fool to be anything less.

The fact is that DILs (particularly those with children) have all the power and all of the leverage. They are usually the gate keepers to their kids. Unkind MILs, on the other hand, literally have NOTHING a DIL wants. Unkind, meddling and gossiping MILs have to be some of the dumbest people on the planet.

Unless your marriage is airtight, and OPs certainly isn't, the DILs power is fleeting. And OP already couldn't stand her MIL because she didn't get pampered enough in pregnancy.

Ok so why would a mil be dumb enough to bash the woman her son loves more than anyone on the planet she literally has everything to lose her son and grandchildren. I’m not even talking from an ethical standpoint but a logical one. Aside from it being just plain wrong to bash the person your son chose as his life partner it’s just incredibly dumb as the mil has a lot more to lose. Like why do that to yourself?

[Anonymous]

His mother will always be his mother but you as his wife may not always be divorced.

So be careful DILs before you throw your weight around and get cocky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear DILs Everywhere,

Your husband was my son for many years before he was your husband. I don’t care if he is 5 or 95 as long as I’m alive it is my “job” to lookout for him and make sure he is being treated right.

So many men work hard for their families and all their wive’s do is spend their hard earned money. As a mom of a young son I want my son to be treated kindly in his marriage and not dominated by a domineering woman in the future.

And I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think my first loyalty is always to my own son. If I think he is being taken advantage of in his marriage you bet your ass I always have that “right” to pull him aside and have a conversation about it.

I carried him for 9 months, gave birth to him, raised him into adulthood, held him while he cried, fixed his boo boos, stayed up with him all night. I will always cradle to grave protect him.

He can divorce you honey and get another wife but he can only ever have one mother.

Signed,

A mother of a young boy.

I feel sorry for your future DIL. Consider this, then - if you cause trouble in your son's marriage your will only be making your son unhappy. Divorce is horrible. Imagine now that your son and his wife have a child. If you succeed in interfering to where you cause a divorce, you will not only cause your own son pain, but leave your grandchild broken-hearted over the end of life as they know it. That makes you a selfish jerk.

Divorce is horrible? Come on now. People here talk about it being liberating. Less child care time more personal time. And kids are resilient, remember? A divorce would mean MIL gets a lot more time with her grandchild too without walking on eggshells around an unstable DIL.

lol yikes. Tell me you don’t give one shit about children without saying you don’t give one shit about children.

So, people should stay in bad marriages for the sake of the kids?

So confused how you read the above posts and that was your takeaway. Really bizarre and illogical thinking. But someone singing the praises and touting the wondrous benefits of divorce (none of which include a single thought about the children) but instead focus on things like more personal time away from your children is not someone I would want anywhere near children. Certainly not my own! That poster (probably you?) is pretty yuck and cringe.

Im not talking about my personal feelings but this board is extremely pro divorce and very quick to recommend it. Are you new here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you need to understand and accept that 9 out of 10 MILs only care about their child, and care about their spouses only inasmuch as they add value to their children’s lives.
It’s just the way it is.
Don’t expect your MIL to care even if she is polite enough to ask you how you are etc
That’s why she is trying to assess the situation FOR HER SON and maybe her grandchild, and do so without you standing in the way and blocking the airwaves so to speak.
Use your own parents for comfort! Stop expecting it from ILs!
Signed,
-someone who has been burned

This may be all well and true. And as multiple pp have declared, a MIL can say whatever she wants to her son anytime she has the opportunity to communicate with him. The thing that so many posters seem to be missing is that depending on what and how she chooses to communicate, she might cause her DIL to decide that she cannot stand her. Whether it’s morally sound for the DIL to act on that feeling is irrelevant. If you want to have a good and close relationship with your adult son and grandchildren, MILs would be wise to treat their DILs with all the kindness and respect in the world. Many DILs will shove their feelings to the side and allow access to her kids, but many will NOT. Why is it so hard to be compassionate, kind and loving toward the life partner of your adult kids?? You are a complete fool to be anything less.

The fact is that DILs (particularly those with children) have all the power and all of the leverage. They are usually the gate keepers to their kids. Unkind MILs, on the other hand, literally have NOTHING a DIL wants. Unkind, meddling and gossiping MILs have to be some of the dumbest people on the planet.

Unless your marriage is airtight, and OPs certainly isn't, the DILs power is fleeting. And OP already couldn't stand her MIL because she didn't get pampered enough in pregnancy.

Why would you assume DILs in general not talking about op here relationship with her husband is fleeting but not her son’s relationship with his mother. I find the marital relationship the stronger and more important one.

I see most sons putting their wives first and if their mother is unkind to their wife the mother is the one to lose out not the wife.

So again yes the mil had a lot more to lose than the DIl.

If you think your husbands relationship with his mom is stronger or more important than his relationship with you as his wife than you picked the wrong husband because if you picked the right husband you wouldn’t even have to question where you stand

Im not threatened by conversations my husband has with his mom, I don’t even know what they talk about on the phone when then catch up. If you are threatened and tantrumming over a question about being tired you have major issues in your marriage. You probably shouldn’t be giving out marital advice if you think the way OP thinks.

[Anonymous]

So women are also not allowed to talk with their own mothers about any of these topics? Not allowed to share how their households operate, what problems they're facing with division of labor or work hour logistics or anything else?

My MIL drives me crazy and i'll own that her questions feel nosy, but if i'm being honest with myself it's things I talk about with my own mom, so why in the world can't my husband talk about them with his mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry - I’m a DIL who is definitely not signing your letter. 👍🏻

+10000x

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ is your mil allowed to talk to her own son when you aren’t in the room.

She was his mother for many years before you were his wife.

She didn’t cease to be his mother when you married him. She is allowed to show care for her own son in any way she damn well pleases.

About her aches and pains, social group, senior breakfasts? sure.

About me? No.

Trash-talking someone's spouse isn't care for them. It's catty betch bs. No excuses.

Nobody “trashed” op. The MIL just told her son he looked tired. He has a four month old, of course he is tired, but old people are so far removed from that experience they don’t really remember HOW tired a person gets with a baby, especially their first baby.

I remember my parents’ commentary was definitely clueless and less than helpful pretty much always. In fact, my kids are entering tween/teen years and my parents are still offering really annoying, unhelpful commentary and manufacturing problems that don’t actually exist. I let it roll off my back because they’re just words from clueless people who still love us.

And nothing about asking about someone’s tiredness implicates OP or a lack of care for OP. OP is making that assumption.

Guess what, if you lack grace and empathy you are always going to have trouble in relationships, especially complex relationships. There is a lot of ground between MIL considering someone an “incubator” (OP’s word) and simply understanding that yes, your MIL is always going to love their own baby more than they love you, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love you or care about you. I loved my MIL but I didn’t expect really anything from her. I knew she loved DH and my kids more than me because duh of course she does. If she said something dumb I let it slide because I, a fellow human, also say dumb things sometimes. This facilitated a happy relationship. OP sounds exhausting, sorry OP.

OP here. Absolutely of course she is going to care more about her own son than me. But that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t check on me at all.

The woman is the one (not the man) who goes through the brunt of the issues during pregnancy and child birth. Not once did she ask about me. I think there is a fine line between treating me exactly like her son and not asking at all about me.

She could have asked is there anything you need from me. Brought over meal to help us out anything but she did and said nothing.

The incubator comment means that you are seen as nothing more than a person to produce and provide grand babies for you which is the way mil was acting because once the pregnancy got risky she didn’t ask about me the actual human carrying the child but she damn well was worried her grandchild couldn’t make it. So she can care about her son, grandchild, but not her DIL? Why because I’m not blood related?

Hence me being seen as an incubator. My pain and mental and physical anguish didn’t matter as long as that baby and her son were healthy.

But her son seems a little tired and she needs to suddenly inquire about it. I was tired to that day and in a lot of pain but she didn’t give two shits.

There has to be a middle ground. I don’t expect to be in the ladies inheritance but I think the least a mil can do is reach out to her DIl to ask how she is feeling and offer to help in a way that benefits BOTH her son and DIL. Without the DIl there would be no grandchild to speak of.

How sexist of you!

Why is that her job?

You told your mom to stay home that you and DH have everything under control,so who would she be making meals?

Hmm.

And how do you know she didn't ask?

Maybe she ask your DH about hi and he said not to bother you.

Hmm?

You seem hell bent on turning her into some monster for no good reason.


Perhaps it's because being a mom is harder than you expected b but rather than admit that and ask for help. You lash out.

Anger is easier for you than vulnerable


Hmm. How about you call.mil and say I could really use some hey especially with my own mom far away.

Try humility